Blood test

 As far as I could remember, I had never had blood taken from me. I had never been sick and, being a man, I had never being pregnant. So the thing was very new for me and scary. It’s kind of silly to be scared of such a silly thing but aren’t we always scared about the things that we don’t even understand? Because I didn’t even know why they wanted me to give my blood after just a routine check-up. The doctor said it was good, once in a while, to do something like a full scan of the body to be sure nothing was off, nothing was out of place. But taking blood from my body seemed very invasive.

 I am the kind of person that takes days to talk to you, even if I have seen you for a year, at work, at school or wherever. I am the kind of person that always tries to be in relationships were the other person wants more love than sex. I’m the kind of person that would never put on a bathing suit in front of someone else or shower in a public place or something like that. I would die first to be honest. So giving away a sample of blood was just as if someone had forced me to give up something that was only mine and it didn’t felt right. Besides that, I had never done it and felt silly because I knew it was something positive to do. After all, he doctor was right: I needed to get to know what was happening inside my body. I had not being in a doctor’s office for five years or more and if he wanted to know what was going on, he was the doctor after all.

 I woke up really early to give my sample. I tried not to think about it until the moment was imminent. So I just woke up, showered, put on some loose clothes and walk out home. The weather was strange: it seemed that it was going to rain but it didn’t, as if the sky was waiting to make a more dramatic storm later in the day. I just thought the weather sometimes behaved like a moody human. I walked to the bus stop and waited there for the bus that would take me to the hospital. It was such a sad thing, to be going to a hospital. I thought tight there that I pity every single person that has to go to a hospital every single day of his or her lives. All that sadness and stress and just negativity…

 I mean, I’m not the most positive guy you’re going to find, not at all, but I do try to be objective and working in the health sector must not be an easy task, maybe if you are the head of a pharmaceutical company or something. When my bus stopped, I walked inside like a zombie. I hadn’t had anything to eat, as asked by the doctor, so I felt a little like walking on air. The bus was filled with people so early in the day so I just stood up by the exit and waited for my stop. As I did so, I noticed that most of the passengers in the bus were women and then another fact of life hit me in the face: women are so under appreciated. Not because they carry life but because they keep it going. All those ladies in the bus were proof of that and I felt bad as a man.

 One of them was talking about the day she was going to have. I couldn’t hear the whole conversation, but I could guess she was a housekeeper. She was telling another woman that she had asked her boss to give her two days off as she was feeling really tired and had many things to do at home. The other women asked her if her husband helped around the house and she answered that he did but that things were still backing up. She hoped to get those two days to run some errands and just be with her children for some more time that week. That was all I heard before I stepped out of the bus, twenty minutes after I had gotten in. I felt bad for her but I thought that at least she had a steady job. Things could always be worse.

 As it was very early, there were no traffic jams on the streets and no overcrowded sidewalks. The few people around were workers of stores or vendors that were installing their posts in strategic places for the morning rush. People were going to need their coffee, their newspapers and their dose of sugar and they were going to given them all to them. I walked past them and then through a couple of blocks where not a single soul was seen. It was the perfect time of the day to shoot a zombie apocalypse scene. I imagined it and smiled for myself. I finally got to the hospital and went straight to the second floor, where I was charged for my blood test. Then I sat down and looked around.

 Besides me, there were only two other people: a teenager with his mom and an elderly couple. The teenager was obviously checking social media and seemed very focused on it. His mom seemed moved her feet and legs without stopping. By her outfit, it was obvious she worked in some office and that she needed to get there as soon as possible, which was curious because wouldn’t you open up your morning to be with your son? Then there was the elderly couple, two lovely older people that were chatting about their pills and if they had them all in the woman’s purse. She pulled them all out and I was surprised to see at least ten little orange bottles in armrest of the chair. They were saying their properties, as no one ever knew the names.

 The teenager was called first and then the couple and when more people were coming in, I finally got inside too. I got into a small cubicle were a nurse checked my arms for the best vein and the she told me to look the other way, as it may look a bit too scary. I did exactly that, as I was not really looking forward to see my blood spilling out of my arm. As she did her job, she told me that the results would be available in two weeks. I wanted to complain but my arm hurt too bad and she told me, after putting a circular sticking plaster where she had put the needle on.

 When the pain passed, I asked her why it took so long to have the results. I told her it was just a routine procedure for my doctor but she told me that all exams were the same and that they checked the blood for every possible disease I could have: hepatitis and several sexual transmitted diseases includes syphilis and HIV. When she said the last part, I got even more scared that before the needle went through my skin. I didn’t ask anything else or said anything at all. She just gave me a sheet with which I could claim the results in two weeks time. Five minutes later, I was already outside walking home. Somehow, I didn’t want to take the bus back. I had too many things in my head and only wanted to vent a little before freaking out once again. 

 As I stopped to buy something to eat, I thout about the reason why I was freaking out. Exactly five months ago I had gone to a party and, strangely for me, I had gotten really drunk. The friends that had invited me there were just laughing their asses off because they had never seen me drunk and because, strangely enough, I was a very funny drunk guy. I told just, funny stories I didn’t even know I had and I talked to people straight away, even going so far as to ask them if they have had sex that day. Bare in my mind the party was attended by, at least, forty people and only knew a couple of them. I drank a lot and, the next day I was surprised to realize that I hadn’t vomited or anything gross like that all night.

 What was weird was that I woke in one of the bedrooms of the apartment were the party was held and I happened to be only wearing my underwear and with someone besides me. Now, I didn’t know if something happened and to this day I have no idea. It was just as if all memories produced after two in the morning had been erased by the computer that was my brain. I only know I grabbed my clothes, put them on and just got the hell out of there. Days later, I spoke with one of my friends that had been in the party and he just said he found me funny when drunk. But he never said anything about me kissing or talking in a “unique way” to someone. So I didn’t mention it and I had forgotten everything about it until the day of the blood test.

 The following two weeks were torture. Every time I had a moment to think about my life, I found myself wondering if I had sex that night of the party and if it had been unprotected. As I didn’t recall anything, and I didn’t really stayed in the room the next day to see if there was a condom wrapper around, I just didn’t know anything. I just knew I was very nervous and jumpy every time someone was looking to talk to me about anything. Days were long sometimes and I just wanted the hospital to call me and tell me they need me to pick up the results earlier but maybe that wouldn’t have been a very happy call.

 Anyway, I waited as patiently as I could and when it was time, I went to the hospital and asked for my results. It was very frustrating that I had to wait several minutes for them and that I had to go through them with a doctor different that the one who had asked for the damn exam. She must have realized what was going on inside my mind because she just said “You’re fine, honey”. I felt like an elephant had ben lifted from my back and I could finally worry about other things, like my life in general and the fact that I suffered from anemia.

Performers

   The moment was very surreal. She was a very big star, a very well known woman, and she was offering him something she shouldn’t. He knew that drugs were typical in this business but he never thought he would see them so soon. Mia offered him two pills: one was bigger and yellow and the other was white and smaller. She told him that both were great and made anyone feel great, more free and without guilt. She also offered him a bottle of wine to drink them with but he refused it, thinking it wasn’t the best idea to mix those pills with alcohols. He had seen some TV shows were people mixing drugs and other things ended up dead or insane. As Mia consumed her share, he stared at the pills thinking what should he do with them.

 He could tell Mia he was going to take them and just throw them to the ground. The place was dark anyway and with all the people moving around and dancing, they would get stepped on fast and the evidence would disappear. But that wasn’t realistic as Mia wanted to see as he consumed them. So he was against the wall, literally, in this opportunity. He asked her to wait because he was a little bit nervous and she just nodded. They then danced and talked to everyone that Mia knew and had fun just like that. He kept the pills in his shirt’s chest pocket. He could feel them there but only when he was thinking about Mia remembering him that he had to take them. He was expecting her to forget all about it and for the night to have a speedy end before anything could happen.

 The truth was that drugs made him very nervous. Even people smoking pot made him think about how strange it was to just smoke or drink or have something distort your view of reality because the one you have is too boring or too hard. Peter, who still had the pills on his chest pocket, had met a guy in college that often did drugs and then he gradually transformed into this idiotic beast that never new anything. Only the other junkies joined him between classes and he rarely even went to class, except for those no one ever missed. He was not an awful guy, it was actually easy to see he could have been a very handsome fellow but drugs had made him into this puppet with no real life in him.

 Mia then got closer to Peter. He was scared she would ask him to drink the pills again but she just started dancing in front of him. Then, they danced together and it was just as if she had been drinking a lot, only that she said things that she would have never said when drinking. She talked about colors and shapes and how she felt the music. She never said, not once, that she loved Peter or that she loved something, which would have been typical of a drunken person. It was weird to see her like that and Peter wondered how did she do it, with so much work around her. He also wondered why did she do it: Mia had everything anyone could want. It made everything stranger to Peter

 When the night ended, it was him that had to carry her to her car and then drive her home. Peter didn’t mind, as Mia had been so good to him for the last few months. He was just a beginner, having no experience in professional acting. And Mia just helped him get a better role and to be prepared for it. Mia was actually a very experienced and nuanced actress, knowing every single thing a professional performer should know. She was famous, having done many movies and having won several awards. She was not someone that had just arrived to the party; she was really a great professional. Nevertheless, she ran out of friends at the end of the night and it was Peter who took her home.

 He left her in bed and her car in the garage of her awesome apartment in a very exclusive area of town. Peter did not live close but he stayed for some minutes, looking at the city from the balcony. That view was magnificent and he wondered if he would ever get to have something like that. Then he heard Mia complaining. He ran to her and she asked him for water, which he brought with haste. She thanked him for being there but she asked him to go and sleep as the week was going to be very complicated for them. He agreed and left, taking a taxi to his home where he barely had any sleep. The following morning, it was Sunday so he met his parents in his sister’s house. There he played with his new nephew, which helped him relax and just enjoy life.

 His mother asked him if he was feeling ok because he looked like a zombie but he told her it was just that he had not been able to sleep. His sister then teased him that Mia was making him stay up until late, something he didn’t even gave an answer to. He didn’t want his family to think Mia was a problematic brat but he also didn’t want them to think it was him who was misbehaving in some manner.  The rest of that day, Peter just played with his nephew and the dog, throwing the Frisbee and also doing a small play with all his nephew’s toys were the dog was the savior and the princess in distress was Peter’s mother. They all laughed and applauded.

 Back home, Peter knew that acting was his thing. There was nothing else that made him feel alive and just good about himself. He had dealt with a lot of issues growing up and performing had been the answer to all of it. He had been the happiest guy in the world when he had landed his first role and meeting Mia had been a struck of luck that he still couldn’t believe. But now, after a while, he was wondering if she wasn’t more of a problem than anything else. What if she passed on her complicated life to him, what if that type of life was the one to have if Peter wanted to be known and successful? He didn’t know if he could handle the pressure. But at least that night, he slept a bit more.

  As Mia had predicted, the week was harsh on them. Shooting had begun and the director was a very demanding man. On the first day, he asked Mia to do the same scene at least fifteen times. Peter had seen how professional she was, as she just did what it was needed of her and never complained at all. She was very polite and tried to work with her director, never been too pushy. Besides, Mia was great. Her scenes were just something to look at, always so layered and real. She was the real deal and it was great that, during the brakes, she would ask Peter to come with her and just chat about anything. She gave him advice and also discusses what she hadn’t like about her scenes, although she never criticized the screenwriter or the director.

 Nevertheless, Mia did look tired. Beneath her make up, it was easy to see that she had large marks under her eyes and that her skin seemed a bit dry. But then she would come to the set and just blow everyone’s mind. When it was Peter’s turn to act, she was always there, cheering him on. He was obviously not as good as her but by the end of the week he was able to surprise himself with a very angry performance, in which he had to throw a glass full of whisky to a fireplace. The scene was dangerous for obvious reasons but it was the only one the director never asked to repeat. He said everything had been so well done, that he’s rather not spoil it all by shooting another scene.

Mia congratulated Peter and they had a glass of wine to celebrate. Work went on in various locations around town for several weeks. By the end of the third month, the director announced they had finished the movie. Everyone celebrated and Peter got to thank the director and ask him for his autograph. He also asked Mia for her and she did something even better: she asked an assistant to take a picture of them and she sent it framed with her autograph to Peter’s home. Sadly, she had to leave town to do a musical in some other town so it was sad to see her go but Peter knew that she would shine anywhere she went. They promised to keep contact and they hoped to do something more together, in the future.

 Finally able to have some rest, Peter got home and enjoyed himself remembering so many things he had learned and so many people he had met. He had been so fortunate and hoped for things to be even better as he got involved with more and more roles. When he was acting, he felt so alive and real, so representative of everyone but mainly of himself. He tried to make every character his, even if they didn’t really had anything in common. It was just the best thing to do. Months passed and he went with his family to se the movie. He hadn’t been able to go to the premiere, due to another job, but he decided to take his family to see it. As he put on some clothes, he put chose the same shirt he had wore to the club that night and realized the pills were there.

 He was again attracted to the whole idea behind them but decided to thrown them to the garbage bin as he had already found his drug and it was a far better one.

What the past is telling me

   I woke up sweating, trembling a bit even. I had just had one of those dreams about the past, but one that was distorted and made me feel even more lost that what I was back in school. I turned around and realized, relieved, that Paul was there. For a moment, I had thought I was all alone and had to calm myself down by myself, which was difficult because I would always go back to what had made me feel so uneasy instead of calming myself down. But with him there, his warmth and even his smell, the task would be much easier. I just moved closer to him and he moved, putting his arm around me without waking up. With only that, I was able to fall asleep again and, this time, I didn’t have any horrible dreams. It was all blank, just like I preferred it.

 Some hours later, we were having something for breakfast and he asked me about my dream. He said he had heard me wake up but that he had been so tired he had fallen asleep again very fast. I told him nothing and I don’t really understand why. Not only were we closer than ever now, he was one of those people that make you feel good just by being there. But somehow, I decided not to say anything, only that I did not remember anything about the dream, which was I lie. I don’t think he bought that but that didn’t matter. I knew he wasn’t going to start asking more and more questions. That wasn’t he’s style. We just kept eating and said nothing more about my dream or anything related to that.

 Instead, he told me that he really wanted me to go to his next performance in a bar not very far away from my place. Paul was a musician and played the bass in a band. It wasn’t a rock band but I don’t know that much about music so every time someone asks me about what he did, I would say he’s a rocker or that he plays the bass, which makes me sound horribly ignorant. But weirdly enough, he has always liked me to say things like that. I think that’s why we got along so well since the first time we talk to each other. He perceived me as crazy and I felt the same vibe from him. The night we met we kissed and had sex, which made me think I would never see him again. I was so wrong.

 Karma has a way of doing things, or maybe it’s meant to be or whatever… Anyway, the thing was that I saw him everywhere. Every time I went for a beer with my friends, he would be playing with his band there or in the next pub or something. We would run into each other and it was very uncomfortable until he told me that he had being wanting to get my number but couldn’t find me online. I laughed at that remark, possibly because I thought that was something very nice to do and I just gave him my number and from then on we have being close to on e another, without labeling our current situation. He’s not my boyfriend or anything like that. We just spend time together.

 Anyway, I kept the dream to myself. At work, it kept haunting me. Different to other dreams, I remembered everything about this one. The faces, what people said, everything that happened. It was difficult to get away from it and I decided to confront it and just tell someone.  So I went to my best friend and told her everything. But her reaction was not what I was expecting. She told me to explain to her what made me uneasy from the dream because she didn’t understand what it was. I explained to her that the dream dealt with many of my high school classmates and the fact that I had pissed my pants out of fear once when I was like nine or ten. She ten became very serious and told me that probably it was something I had never faced and now it had decided to come back.

 But I didn’t want that to come back. I had worked for many years and with no rest, in order to make myself into someone less sensitive to mockery and laughter and such. Back then, people were very cruel and had treated me in a wrong way and my solution had been to become someone tough, lonely and very sarcastic. It worked beautifully because, although people still talked about me behind my back, I decided I didn’t care and they just wouldn’t say a word. When I graduated, I thought that would be a big shell to pull off my back, but it wasn’t. I realized I needed again, because I had begun dating and I had entered the gay world, which is more complex and awful than people realized.

 I just didn’t want to dream about it again. Yes, I had decided not to confront it and maybe that was why things happened but why confront that and how? Yes, I had being laughed at but who cares? Who hasn’t? I refuse to say I was bullied because that feels wrong, it feels wrong to say it because there was never something as harsh as that… I don’t know. That following night, Paul didn’t come to my house because he had worked to do in his. I realized I had to spend my night alone and that made me think for hours and hours before I went to sleep. With Paul, he had sex and then we fell asleep but without him it was difficult.

 The following day, something happened that made me feel that something didn’t want me to forget about those damn times in school. I was in the grocery store, more like a supermarket, checking for jams and just turned my head and so one of the jocks from high school. Of course, he wasn’t a jock anymore, he looked a bit bigger, much more stupid that ever before, but it was him and I could hear his laughter like in the dream. That distraction was worth a jar of strawberry jam that I mistakenly put in the air instead of the shelf. I was so ashamed with the lady that had to come cleaning and with every single member of the staff of that supermarket. I just paid for the smashed jam and left almost running.

 I got home fast and just stayed there for the rest of the day. I asked for some Chinese food and tried to distract myself with a movie but I had already seen it and I just felt like crying, which I ultimately did. I was sobbing like mad all alone on my sofa and the only thing I could think off was about calling Paul, so I did. I sounded pretty congested when I talked to him and he noticed it right away. I asked him if he could come home for a bit but he told me he was still finishing his work and had so much more to do. He asked me to tell him what was going on over the phone but I just hung up on him because I was disappointed. I had wanted to pull my heart out for him and apparently work was much more important so I called my best friend instead.

 When she arrived, I paid for her taxi because it was late and she did not live close by. As soon as we entered my apartment, I began crying again and just told her everything, how bad it felt that I had to hide my feeling just because some stupid fucking kids had been mean to me for doing something that was normal and for being afraid. They didn’t understand that I felt intimidated by them because they were all friends and I was the new kid that no one wanted to talk to because it felt as if had brought the plague to the school. I didn’t wanted to be popular or anything, I just wanted to fit in and they just gave me the fucking finger.

 And it had been like that for years and year afterwards. People always thinking I had nothing to say or nothing to share and they just put me aside. In college, it was so much better but then it was guys, because I had to like them and felt like shit because the gay fucking world is shallow and they only care if you looked good and I just had a low self-esteem and that didn’t help at all. No boyfriends in several years and the only guy I had met that met something had just refused to come to my home and spent some time with me, when I had been the one to go to his fucking concerts and support him every single time. I was disappointed, hurt and confused by it all.

 My friend took my hand and told me that what I was doing was necessary, to vent all my frustration out and realize what was really bothering. And that was that I felt I needed more than what I have been given. She thought that I had tried so hard to be away from people not to get hurt, that now my need for a human touch was greater that it could have been before and the person that I felt something for was just not there. We were nothing. Not that I needed a boyfriend but I needed commitment more than a name. And, apparently, Paul wasn’t the one to give me that. Besides, we were not “exclusive” and I knew there was at least another guy around. And now that I cared for him so much, it bothered me.

 She stayed the night and we watched movies and ate ice cream. Luckily it was a Thursday, so I could get to work late and my friend had her day off. We talk about her life too, her boyfriend and her crazy mother and I realized that she was one of the things I had always wanted from life: a true friend. I just needed to be a better one myself and realize what was else I needed and wanted for myself, because no one else would do it for me.

Unwind

    It felt stupid, just waiting there as if I had nothing better to do. Besides the person that had to give me the documents was late so if the job seemed easy at one point, had now became annoying beyond imagination. I had drunk a cup of coffee and was tempted to leave after waiting for fifteen minutes. Just then, a man in a white coat arrived. It was impossible to miss her: her coat was made of fur, fluffy and beautiful and, beneath it; she wore a red dress with a deep cleavage.

 What kind of agent was this? I had never seen someone so obvious! Or maybe it was her technique, to look completely out of place in that park. She waved her hand at me and I just nodded. She sat down next to me and opened her purse. Silly me, I thought she was going to extract the papers from there but I was wrong. She grabbed a lipstick and a small mirror and began a routine she must have done twenty times a day, at least. When she was done, she put her things inside the purse and looked at me.

-       Girl’s got to be ready at all times.

 I stared at her, confused. I was sure she was the one I had to talk too but she didn’t seem to know what she had to do.

 I cleared my voice and asked, looking at a family pass by:

-       Do you…

-       I’m hungry. I haven’t had one rice for hour. That plane food… I don’t know how someone eats that. I couldn’t afford first class this time so I was under deep stress for all those hours. You know those flights.

 She clearly thought she was making sense. Or it may have been the fact that she was a very good actress because I had no idea what she was talking about. She glanced around, apparently looking for something.

-       There must be a nice restaurant in this area… Town Hall is just across the street, right?

-       Yeah…

 I stood up and offered to take her to lunch. She was thrilled by the prospect of eating and didn’t shut up in the long walk to a restaurant. Seoul was a beautiful city and I wanted to see it just as much as her but I considered myself on duty. The thing was Agent Volnal appeared to have a very different attitude towards her duties. She pointed and practically screamed at everything she thought was odd or peculiar. Being a little obvious wasn’t bad but this was a bit too much.

 We finally got to a nice little restaurant. They seem to serve every traditional dish but also other popular Asian foods like sushi or fired rice. Ms. Volnal took her coat off when seating at a table by the wall and I noticed how physical she was. What I mean is she looked like a person who goes to the gym pretty often.

-       Ms.…

-       Mirna. – She said, barely moving her lips or her eyes from the menu.

 There was a long silence in which both of us decided what to order. I wasn’t feeling too hungry myself but I preferred to go along. This was too strange to leave it at that and, most importantly, people were expecting me to have important documents by nightfall.

-       I think I might have the sashimi. I love fish.

-       Good.

-       What are you having? Maybe we can order like many small things and then share. What do you think?

-       Sure, sounds fun.

 It didn’t sound fun because time was scarce and I had been advised not to stroll for too long away from the hotel or the airport. No one wanted me to be caught by the enemy or by some foreign police. But I needed the documents and I was sure she had them.

-       We would like a sashimi plate, and some kimchi and the “kaboom” sushi you list here. And…Let’s see… What else you want honey?

 For a moment, I was too shocked by the fact she had called me honey. But then I recuperated and ordered two more plates of traditional meat and vegetables. She looked around the restaurant, admiring every single piece of the décor. I, for one, was starting to get worried. Even if we decided to eat fast, which I wouldn’t bet on, nightfall would catch us there, in a small restaurant in downtown Seoul. I had to have the info fast in order to travel early the next day.

-       Have you ever been in Asia before? – She asked.

 I jumped a bit, being to immerse in my own thoughts.

-       Yeah, I’ve gone to Japan and the Philippines. And have been in Singapore too.

-       I went to Thailand last year. Phuket. You know, the place where the tsunami happened. You wouldn’t believe; they have all working and it’s so beautiful. You should totally go there.

 As a matter of fact, I had always wanted to be there. And then the waitress came and I realized I was really hungry.

 As it happens, Mirna was a delight. For the following three hours I absolutely forgot whom I was or what it was that I was doing. We talked about everything single shallow and silly thing. We laughed at some celebrity news and also about some funny things that had happened to us in the past.

 We never said a single word about or jobs. It seemed to me we didn’t need to talk about that, seeing we worked so often and for so many hours and in so many places.

-       God, this is delicious! – Said Mirna, having some kimchi.

-       I know, right? Who would think a bunch of stewed cabbage tasted this good?

-       It’s crazy. Although, I’m more of a sweet tooth.

-       Really?

-       I just love chocolate. Any guy who gives me a box of chocolates, has a very good shot at being my husband.

 I laughed. I had never felt so at ease with a woman, at least not too recently.

-       You know, there’s a store in my hotel. They sell these Belgian chocolates. Maybe we could have some.

 And we did. After eating, we took the subway together, still laughing and pointing and smiling and talking. We must have looked as best friends all the way to the hotel. There, on the ground level, there was a large chocolate store. They even created custom made orders. Mirna and I tasted a whole bunch and we each came out with a big box for our journey back home.

 Then, it came the moment to say goodbye. I had forgotten all about work until, when she kissed my cheek and hugged me goodbye; she put her lips near my ear and said:

-       Bathroom wastebasket.

 We smiled and each other and, as she walked towards the subway station, I entered the hotel and went up to my room. I didn’t even close the main door to check in the bathroom. As she had said, there was a small flash drive beneath the plastic bag in the wastebasket. And attached to it, there was a note:

I HOPE YOU ENJOYED DINNER.

I GET BORED DOING THESE THINGS

SO I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND I NEEDED TO UNWIND.

GOOD LUCK.

M.V.