Out of nowhere, I decided to grab my wallet,
put on my pants and go to the street, to the nearest convenience store I could
find. Only one was opened, some five blocks away from the hotel. I bought two
packs of cigarettes, one pack of gum and a can of beer, just because I felt to.
I paid and went back slowly to the room were I had done something I had never
done before: I had told someone I would be with him always, for the rest of our
mortal lives, forever.
As I entered the room, I tried not to make a
noise. Of course, I didn’t turn on any lights and only put down my small
plastic bag once I had crossed the room and reached the balcony. I thanked God
that it was such a big room in which he was staying, in one of the best and
most beautiful hotels in the vicinity. He would never travel without getting to
rest in a really good place, where everything was according to his very high
standards. He had a reputation to look after.
Thankfully, I didn’t have anything to look
after. I had no reputation and there was no possibility for me to pay for such
a room, not then or now. The balcony had a very nice view of the ocean and the
sound of the waves crashing gently against the rocks soothed my soul. Or maybe
it was the fact that I smoked two or three cigarettes in a couple of minutes. I
hadn’t done that in so long and now, suddenly, I had comeback to an old and
nasty habit that I had been praised for leaving behind.
As the soft warm wind made my hair move
around, I regretted having bought only one can of beer. Then, I remembered that
room had every kind of alcoholic beverage one would like to drink. The only
problem was money but I guessed that he wouldn’t be very mad if I just drank
one of them, as it could last me for the whole night. The can of beer went back
to the plastic bag, empty after I drank it in a couple of minutes. I was
decided to get myself drunk that night.
I went inside, grabbed a bottle of vodka.
Then, I decided to grab an orange juice bottle too, to make myself some nice
little cocktails. I took both bottles to the balcony and used the empty beer
can as a glass. I mixed both liquids there and started drinking, watching the
apparent never-ending blackness that lived just above the ocean. It seemed so
attractive, so beautiful somehow. I kept drinking, slowly, as I thought of the
best way to get down to the beach in the next couple of hours. After all, I
wasn’t going to be sleeping and he wasn’t going to wake up any time soon.
I had gone to that hotel in hopes to find him
but now, I realized I had done exactly what I shouldn’t have. He had been my
only chance of happiness but now I didn’t want to see his face ever again. I
had spent every single coin I had in my bank account to get there, to tell him
I loved him and that I regretted not telling him that earlier. But hearing the
waves, I realized I had done so because I was afraid of being alone, of being a
failure at every single level a human male could be one.
I had nothing to offer him, nothing at all. My
so-called feelings were just angst and fear disguised in a week fabric of love
and devotion. He would notice soon enough that I was empty, devoid of
everything he thought he needed from someone else. Besides, I had no stability,
no money, I did odd jobs to survive and I loved to look at the darkness and
sleep during the day. I wasn’t what was expecting me to be, not even close. I
had lied and lied and now there was no turning back.
When we met, the first time, I was actually
pretending to be someone’s friend in order to crash a party. I had done so with
a friend that wanted to meet this girl, who ended up being his best friend. A
strange coincidence that made us get acquainted. I remember clearly that, in
those moments, he never seemed interested in me at all. I think he didn’t have
any of the veils in front of him then, the ones that had clouded his judgment
when he had decided to go out with me weeks later.
Some may think I give myself to little credit
but that’s not what’s happening here, not at all. What happens is that I don’t
feel anything anymore, for him or for anyone. I actually doubt I ever felt
anything for anyone ever. I guess I cared for some time and maybe I had an
interest but my feelings were never involved in anything. I just played along
and now that game has brought me to a place I have no idea how to get out of.
What do I do now that I’m into so deep? Is it possible to go back to where we
were before?
I don’t think so, just hours ago I told him I
would be with him forever and he cried and told me that’s what he had always
wanted from me. But somehow, I feel that he knows what I really feel and think.
I remember those first looks he gave in that party in which we met. He knew
then who I was and that I couldn’t be trusted with something so important as
his heart. Why does he think that has changed now, especially when we already
tried and failed? Maybe he has a thing for failing, or maybe he’s one of those
people that think they can fix other people.
If that’s the reason, I think he means well
but it would be an uphill battle. I have never changed anything about me. I
have always failed or passed by without getting noticed. He cannot change that,
not even if he wanted to do it with all of his energy and money. Not even power
can change the fact that I am me, whoever that person may be. Yes, it’s sad for
me to admit that there’s no chance for me anymore but I do believe it’s best if
I don’t get my hopes without any good reason.
I decided then to go down to the beach and
walk on sand, which I guess feels nice on your body, unless you enter the water
too. The people working in the hotel don’t see me walking down with my last can
of cocktail, passing the swimming pools and walking into a small but nice
little beach. I walk around, trying not to think anymore but that’s impossible.
My brain cannot stop telling me things, almost yelling them at me as if I
didn’t now them. It’s decided: I’m leaving him and never coming back.
I have no idea how to get back home but I
guess I can always steal some money from him and at least buy a bus ticket back
to my city, back to my little and ugly apartment which I pay cleaning floors
and serving people in awful little restaurants. That’s what a bachelor’s degree
would do for you. Or maybe I could grab some more money and just leave for
another city, a new place in which I can begin again. But the dream dies soon,
because I’m incapable of really dreaming.
I sit down just out of reach from the water.
There’s no more alcohol in my can, which I throw to the ocean. I looked at the
waves, angry with them because they refuse to take me away. I’m angry because
this is not the way thing were suppose to go down like. This is not the life I
should have had. Or I at least I don’t think anyone should have this life in
any way shape or form. It is too cruel and empty, with no rewards and nothing
to look forward to. Empty as the blackness of the sky.
I noticed that I’m walking towards the water,
slowly. It feels kind of warm, which is very nice. When it reaches my waist, I
am tempted to look back to the hotel but I decided not to. There’s not for me
there and there’s no way I’m going back,
I keep on walking until the waves push me
around, hitting me on the face several times, making me tumble and fall to my
knees. Under the surface, my body attempts to swim upwards but my mind decides
to make us swallow a good gulp of water. Better to end it here.
