Life is strange

   His body felt warm and I liked that. I hugged him, tightening the grip with my arms, because I was actually afraid he might leave at any moment. But, for some reason I never asked, he stayed that night with me. We made love again and he told me he loved me as he kissed my neck and I caressed his thigh. It was so much, maybe too much, for just one night. But I decided not to ask anything, not to think about it all too much. I didn’t want to ruin the moment with a question that could be answered another time.

 Nowadays, our relationship has evolved greatly. That was three years ago. We are now married and his son lives with us. He had him with a woman he thought he loved, right out of high school but it wasn’t what he thought it was. However, from that weak union came a strong bond in the form of Nicholas, a bright kid that has made me rethink my role as a man. I’m not his father, not biologically and I haven’t adopted him yet, but he calls me Dad anyway, without thinking about it too much.

 We live in a house we were able to buy with both our salaries. The cost was high but we knew exactly what we wanted. It has a large main bedroom and two spar bedrooms for visitors. Thomas, my husband, decorated Nicholas’ room personally, putting on the walls every single thing the kid liked and making it removable in order to be adjusted as the years go by. He dedicated long hours to that project and refused my help, as he wanted to do something special for his kid after years of a difficult relationship.

 Thomas and the kid’s mother had been fighting for their rights for a long time until it was agreed she would have the kid for one month and then Thomas would get the kid for the following month and so on. I thought it was cruel to use a kid like that, as a thing to put on or off the counter. But I never said a word because that’s something for Thomas to fix and tend to. We even fought several times because he seemed too focused on his kid and his former girlfriend than in our life together.

 I have to confess I got to be a lot meaner than I ever was. For starters, I never liked the kid before he came in to live with us. I resented him in a way, seeing how Thomas loved to spend every waking moment with him and I just got some weekends and not even that. Our relationship had passed from one with a lot of romance and sex, to one where there was only a random kiss a week and some conversation that never went anywhere. Even after we got married, I felt he wasn’t mine yet and maybe he would never be. I neglected to see he was a father first, my husband later.

 The kid would come in some weekends, from time to time, but it would often be a very tense time for Thomas and for me as well. Not only because he would spend every single second with the kid but because he would spend the rest of his time talking about his former girlfriend and how he thought she should run his life. I heard so much about her for so long. The few chances I got to meet her; I avoided the opportunity at every turn. I didn’t want to feel even more threatened and unsure of myself.

 I even decided to attend a shrink once a week. I’ve never believed in those people but I thought it would be much better than just staying at home on the edge of screaming at Thomas or, God forbid, striking the kid. So I excused myself telling them I was going to meet my parents but I really spent an hour with Dr. Mendelsohn, who was as useless as I had thought before attending our appointments. The only good thing was that I wasn’t at home anymore. As I’m not made of money, I stopped going after one month.

 After that, I decided to really spend my days with my parents. After I had moved out of the house, I didn’t really got to speak with them that much, only over the cellphone or something. So I began cooking with my mom again and talking politics with dad. It was like back when I was younger and I found myself yearning for those years. It was hard because I was depressed often but at least I had them back then. They were always there for me to talk or at least just be there, to be present.

 Eventually, Thomas confronted me about going to my parents practically every single weekend. I confronted him too, telling him I had no interest in meddling into his affairs, into his life before I entered into it. He said he wanted me to be in his present fully, involving myself with his child and even with the woman that had brought him to life. But I told him the truth: I couldn’t make myself want something I didn’t. I had never wanted children or the past to come knocking on my door. I just wanted him.

 That was the moment our relationship took a deep dive. We didn’t yell or anything like that after that argument. We just fell silent and suddenly I knew exactly what I had to do. I grabbed a suitcase and started putting some of my clothes there. I told him it was temporary, because it was clear we needed space to think about what was happening. I reminded him he was my husband right before heading out. He grabbed me by the wrist and told me I was his husband too. I won’t lie: fear ran through my spine right then and there. I have no idea why but that’s what happened.

 I moved in with my parents and I asked them not to say a word about the whole thing. I would just continue to go to work and fulfill my responsibilities without any delay or doubt. I would just go on with my life because stop it altogether would be fatal. Of course, I cried every night thinking about him and how the man I used to know was no longer there. I trusted him to think about it all and come back to me with a proper response. He never did, at least not in the way I had always thought.

 He came to my place almost a year later. I had decided to rent a small apartment downtown, as I realized my parents already had a life between the two and me being there was not the life they had envisioned in their golden years. So I decided to move on, never minding anything else in my life. I even got a promotion, which was celebrated with a big party where I almost kissed another man but didn’t. I felt like shit after that but at least I stopped myself, despite the large amounts of alcohol in my blood.

 The day Thomas came, I was cleaning my place up. I stopped everything and we sat down in the living room, which consisted on a sofa against he wall, facing a flat screen TV. There was a moment of silence and then I told him I hated when silence feel between us. It seemed unnatural. He finally spoke, saying he had come to me to tell me the years of litigation were done and that he had finally gained a good amount of time with his son. I was happy for him, because he was finally ecstatic with the news.

 I thought that was it. He didn’t seem to have anything else to say, so I stood up and told him I needed to finish cleaning soon, as I had to leave later. It was a lie; I just wanted him out of my sight. But then he came close to me and hugged me as I had hugged me so many years ago. He told me he loved me and that he missed me every single day. He even kneeled and asked me to marry him, which was nice because I had been to one to do that the first time. I said yes, because I do love him.

 We then had the best sex I have ever had. It’s strange how you take some things for granted, like how much better it is when your partner is someone that knows your body thoroughly and has a very good idea about what you like, what it is that makes you feel in heaven.

 I have no idea how, but he transferred that knowledge to the other parts of our lives. That’s how I got to understand him better and to love his son, maybe as much as he did. Now I found myself packing lunches and preparing camping weekends. Life is so strange… But it’s life.

Conflicted savior

   The botanical garden was a large peaceful place where people did picnics and took pictures of various flowers and butterflies. Families and couple came because it seemed like a nice place for them to bond. So when David and Katherine entered the premises, it was obvious they hadn’t come to appreciate the flowers or bond over anything. His jacket had bloodstains all over and they looked fresh. She had several cuts on her face, one very deep and slowly bleeding out. They appeared to have come from a battle zone and the botanical garden did not seem like the first place to think about when hiding.

 As if they had picked up on how strange they looked to others in the gardens, Katherine grabbed one of David’s hands. But this didn’t help at all. It was more obvious now that ever that they didn’t have any kind of relationship. They were holding hands as if they were grabbing a freshly caught fish.

 They enter the largest greenhouse and there they were able to rest for a while. People seemed too be more focused on the beautiful colors and insects than on the couple that had come in. Katherine touched her face and noticed the blood whereas David took off his jacket and turned it around. It looked kind of funny but it was better than displaying blood all over the place.

 But still, that did not help that much. After all, David was dressed in his usual attire, which meant tight jeans, suspenders, black polo shirt and red boots. Yes, David was a skinhead but, as he explained to everyone that cared to ask, he was not the “bad” kind of skinhead. He just liked the ideals, the real ones, behind all of it. He was used to people staring at him everywhere he went but now wasn’t the time to be noticeable. With his jacket’s sleeve he cleaned some of the sweat from his almost bald head (his hair was very short).

 Katherine, on the other hand, was a bit older than him. Not enough to be his mother but old enough to be a grumpy older sister. But they weren’t related and had just being together at the wrong time and the wrong place. As a matter of fact, they did not know anything about each other, except a mad man was chasing them. Katherine grabbed her phone from her pocket and checked some things very fast. After all, it was her tool of work. She was a very important part of an advertisement company and she knew her boss was probably wondering where she was.

 After all, she had just left to pick up some photocopies that were needed in the 5 pm daily meeting. Although she thought her work was important, it really wasn’t. She was basically and errand girl, running around with coffee mugs and photocopies and various folders. Her main task, after all, was classifying every document the company had in order for their main archive to be in order. She just liked to think it was important because after turning thirty, every job matters as if it was the best of the best, even if it’s obviously not.

 The couple picked up the pace, went all along the inner path of the greenhouse and got out of it on the other end. Fortunately, they noticed there was a different exit than the entrance they had used earlier. In a very hush voice, David told Katherine the best thing was to go to a police station and tell them everything that had happened. They would provide security and the mad man may be even apprehended for following them. But they hadn’t seen him since they had entered the gardens, so maybe he had just gave up. At least that was Katherine’s opinion.

 They walked slowly, following a brick path through a forest of palm trees that lead to the other exit. Katherine stated that it was probably best of they each left for home and just let it go. David looked at her as if she had lost her marbles and didn’t even reply anything. If they separated, he was going straight to police station. Maybe they wouldn’t believe him, it had happened before. But after the mess that man had caused, it was going to be very difficult for the police not to believe him.

 As they got closer to the entrance, they realized two things: the man was on the other side. He had apparently not seen them yet but he looked oddly calm and controlled, very different from his display at the stationery store. The proof was that both David and Katherine started to tremble as soon as they had seen him and hid behind some bushes. The woman then agreed that they had to get to the police so she took out her phone but wasn’t able to dial because someone kicked her hand. It was the mad man.

 He looked enraged but controlled. It was very scary to see such a normal looking guy with so much evil in his eyes. He was holding a gun with a silencer and told them that he would shoot if thy screamed. He then advised them to stand up and walk in front of him, slowly. He would put the gun away but advised them not to run away or he would pull it our fast and shoot them both in the head before anyone could catch him.

 Katherine and David stood up and complied. The group came out of the botanical garden as if nothing was happened but anyone that would noticed the twitching in David’s eyes or how sweaty Katherine’s hands were, would instantly now that something strange was happened. As the man had told them, they walked in front of him slowly, just as if he was a friend and they were there with him. But they didn’t even talk so the image was even stranger than one would think. They crossed the street and the man told them to board a red car that was parked on the sidewalk. They looked at each other before doing what the said.

 Inside, the car was incredibly hot and the leather seats were not helpful. The man boarded too and put the gun on the dashboard. Soon, started the engine and he drove, without telling a word to them. He looked straight to the road, not moving his wide-open eyes for nothing. It had to be said: he was a very good driver, even letting old women cross at the corners and cleverly avoiding buses and trucks. He didn’t look like the man they feared.

 A couple of hours earlier in the stationery, that man had been waiting for some photocopies too, or at least that’s what it looked like. Katherine had come in because of work and David had to pick up several pages of a book that he wanted to read carefully. He had just begun the career of social studies at the university and wanted to nail every class to be the best social worker he could. Each one of them was there, minding their own business. It was when two petty thieves entered that it all went insane.

 Those two attempted to steal the money but, in the process, hurt people all over the store. They pushed Katherine towards a glass structure, which broke and cut her face and shoot a little boy and his mother, whom David tried to help when the men weren’t watching. It was when one of them tried to drag one of the girls that worked there to a storage room, that the mad man acquired his nickname.

 Without even hesitating, he pulled out his gun and shot one of the guys in the head. His body collapsed right there, for everyone to see. He then ran to the storage room and grabbed the other man by the hair. He had his penis out but hadn’t raped the girl, who was lying on the floor, crying. The mad man put his gun on the thief’s mouth and pulled the trigger. Everyone screamed. Then, people thought an even crazier man had rescued them and that they could go. But, what was his business there with a silenced gun?

 The man was aware people were scared of him and decided to take Katherine by the arm. She had been helped by another woman with her wounds but the man stopped that. He took her as a hostage because, in his mind, people had turned against their savior. David tried to talk to him and even got him to say a few words. For a moment there, it seemed he understood what had happened and that if he released Katherine nothing would happen to him. Everyone would say to the police how much of a nice man he had been by saving that girl from being raped and all of them from being hostages.

The man released loosened his hands and Katherine took that moment to step on his foot and run outside. David, stupidly, followed her. And now they were hostages again, in his car, going who knows where. The man didn’t say a word until they had left the city. He took the car through an open field and then parked right in the middle of it.

 He came out of the car, taking his gun with him. As he walked on the moist grass, he looked up. Some stars could already be seen. Then, he pointed the gun to his head and shot himself. The couple in the car where just to scared to scream.

Out of the dark

   When I woke up, the train had entered a long tunnel. It felt strange, feeling my body awaken while we were all under the flickering lights. Thankfully, no one was watching my way. I didn’t want people to look at me directly in the eyes. I didn’t want them to discover what I was hiding, which was curious, as I had no idea myself. The only thing I knew was that I had been running for at least a year now. As always, I only remembered parts and pieces, some faces and gruesome images but not much else. I felt pain but the fear that had driven me crazy before was nowhere to be seen.

 This fact made me nervous. I was still waking up covered in sweat and in blood. I knew I had killed again but I didn’t feel bad about it as I did before. If anything, I felt strangely proud of myself. Not for killing of course but for having no more fear. Anyway, now I was brave enough to try to know more about the people I attacked and it was a great surprise to know none of them where exactly loved by their peers. Was I targeting a specific type of person? I had no idea, as it was that other me, the one that lived deep inside me, who decided that.

 But in that train, I realized I didn’t care anymore. All the feelings of angst and dear had gone. I was in pain, yes, but it was only physical. My head was not about to explode from the headaches that I used to have and I didn’t feel strangely hungry anymore. Somehow, I thought, it had to do with my two personalities finally making peace. It was going to happen some day; I just knew it, because at the end of the end they had to share my body and my brain. It wasn’t like if that wild creature inside me could just walk away. T was trapped inside of me and it had learned, for my sake, that it needed me to stay alive.

 After the tunnel had passed, I looked through the window to the mountains: it was beautiful scenery, with green valleys and snow-covered peaks. I could see farmers and cows and their crops. It was the first time I had noticed the world since I had gone insane. It’s strange but I had never noticed it to be that beautiful, that full of color and bright. I smiled, a first time in a long time too. I looked forward to the future and hoped it would calm down for me to have a normal life. My earlier job as a salesman was good but I had always wanted to draw for a living. People often told me they liked my drawings but I had never tried to show them to anyone that mattered.

 Maybe I could get myself a whole new life now, drawing and painting, doing the covers of books or music albums… Maybe I could get that small apartment I had always wanted, with a black and white cat and someone I could hug at nights. My life was going to change and for the first time in my life, not only after what had happened, I felt I was in full control of everything that could happen. I smiled and when I went to the restaurant wagon I smiled too and people smiled back to me. I decided to eat until I was full and then shower so to be ready when the train finally arrived at my destination.

 I had thought of stepping down in Germany but realized they might look for me there, as I had an aunt who had lived there long ago. So I decided to get down in Zurich and just get to know the city. I had emptied my bank account before leaving and was carrying that money with me. It wasn’t much but it wasn’t two bills either so I was especially cautious with it. I carried it all in a black backpack, with some underwear and my toothbrush. That’s all I could get from my home before I escaped. Remembering that brought tears to my eyes but I dried them and decided to shower. I paid a guy working in the train to let me enter an empty first class cabin and do it there. I had five minutes but it was more than enough. I didn’t change of course but I felt renewed.

 After an hour, the train finally arrived in Zurich. I stepped down fast and exited the station. It was raining in the city but I didn’t care. My first thought was to get into an Internet café where I could look for the cheapest areas to get an apartment. I would then get there by bus or whatever and finally rent a place before sunset. I saw several places but none like the one I imagined and certainly not the prize I could pay without running out of money before I got a job. Thankfully, this old lady told me there was a young man looking for a flat mate and that it would cost far less than if I decided to live alone. I followed her advice and met the guy: he was very nice and an artist so I accepted in heartbeat. Maybe he knew people to get me to start drawing.

 I moved in immediately, as I had nothing to really move in. We talked a lot that day with the guy I moved in and he asked me to show him some drawings but I had nothing on me. But then I remembered something and asked for his laptop. I had uploaded some of the drawings I had done to this kind of blog and people had actually liked them and shared them with other. I showed the blog to him and he told me I was good but that I needed a bit of training. He was a painter and a musician so he knew what he was talking about. After we chatted, I felt hungry again so I went out for a burger and decided to make a list of everything I needed to do and get.

 First of all, it was necessary to buy a laptop. I had the money but it had to be a cheap one because I couldn’t just blew it all of in one buy. I also needed clothes, at least the basics and getting a job. Sam, the guy I lived with, told me he could talk to some people in a university he knew so I could teach, or clean or whatever. It was the same to me. Now I needed a job to eat and keep living. My dreams could wait a bit longer. I also had to check if people were still looking for me and then decide if I lived there by my real name of by the new name with which I had bought the train ticket and had fled my country. It wasn’t as if I was running from the police or anything but people were looking for me and had hunted me down for a long time. Now it all seemed calm but you never know…

 I have to explain that they had never been able to tie me to any of the crimes I had actually committed. If my feelings served me right, I had committed murder at least ten times. I didn’t remember any of it but I did remember how scared and confused I felt afterwards, waking up in places I didn’t know and with dead bodies I had no idea who they were. As I said before, I looked up some of them when I escaped the asylum and learned they were all murderers themselves or thieves. Just bad apples from every corner of society. They certainly had families but that, I preferred, had to stay in secret for me forever. Guilt wasn’t going to get me the new life that I wanted.

 The next day, Sam and I visited the university and introduced me to his girlfriend, a teacher called Magda. She was a photographer and she taught the youngest students about it. She was in need of an assistant to help her in and out of class with everything that had to do with the chemicals and such of the labs in which she worked with her students. The day after that, she told me everything I needed to know and taught me how to process pictures myself in order to properly understand the process. She made me spend all morning outside the university taking pictures of random things. I decided to go artistic, or what I thought was artistic, in some and rather boring in others.

 When the pictures started showing up in the paper and Magda smiled at me, I smiled too and felt really happy, like back in the train. It was something silly but I felt everything was going to be great for me now. I was learning new things and I had met very nice people. I had a job and everything was finally going well. I mean, I still had some nightmares but I couldn’t remember the last time I had woken up covered in blood. My inner persona had apparently calmed down. Maybe my own brain had tamed him or maybe, just maybe, he had left me for good. This last thought made me hopeful but I soon realized that was probably not the case.

 The night of the pictures I slept nicely but they day after, when I got stressed out at work, I didn’t slept as good and woke up in the middle of the night. Suddenly, I realized he was still there, inside. He trying to get out, for me to accept him and I fought it silently, sweating as if we had run into a desert. I wasn’t going to lose to him, not now. But then, I felt I had taken the back seat and he was controlling everything. I begged for him to stop, to give me my body back but he wouldn’t back down. He used my body to get out to the street barefoot, in the middle of the night. I begged him not to kill again, not to make me go crazy again but I felt him asking for silence. It was the first time he made sense to me. And that scared me.

 I was right to be. Suddenly, out of nowhere, six men wearing black clothes appeared in the street. They were pointing guns at me, at us, and before I realized what was going on, he had launched us towards them. I heard the bullets but I wasn’t in control until the following morning. I was in bed, the one I had moved in. I was naked, my clothes nowhere to be found. And the sound of people made me look out of the window: six bodies laid there in the pavement, dismembered. A woman screamed.