Lonely in the deep

   Dear Susan,

 I have grown accustomed to the glares and glimmers on the glasses all around the station. I know I told you I would never be able to live here, in a fish bowl with such a small amount of people. There are none of those lively parties in which we met so many other people that we then considered friends and now are nothing but shadows that don’t even care about me or where I am. Have they even asked you for news? I know they haven’t.

 In away, I’m happy to be here, so far from any of their shit and fake attitudes. I was growing annoyed of them all. I guess I never told you, but being here by myself has made me able to see what I couldn’t see before: I was getting surrounded by people and I never stopped to think if they really care about me or about whatever I had to say. It’s amazing how looking at the emptiness of space can change your perception on everything.

 Susan, my lovely Susan, you know I cannot be anything but honest with you. You were there right at the start, when I got married to him and we begin this rollercoaster life that the astronauts live. Remember when we read about those ladies back in the twentieth century, the ones with all those dead husbands in the pursuit of the Moon dream? I was shocked by how strong they were, how resistant and tragic their lives were.

 And now, we are them my dear. We have become the spouses of men that risk their lives every day and we have grown numb to the risks they take. I have to confess that I prevent him from telling me what he does every day. I know he has to do spacewalks and tough jobs on and above the planetoid, but knowing exactly about it all would make me feel I really have no control over anything, which is true but I don’t want to keep thinking about it.

 How’s Brian doing? Here I go, writing on and on about me and the crazy astronaut I married and I haven’t asked you a thing about how things are going on there. Has he been selected for a new project? I head he did great on that vessel towards the Benu asteroid. Such a scary ride! You must have been destroyed by that. You should write much more often, we did promise we would write and practice our calligraphy, remember?

 It seems like a stupid promise to make but I think it has helped both of us. It really does help that I use this paper imported by the Europeans and the ink brought by the Chinese to write these letters that take days to arrive.

 What’s new here besides my ongoing craziness? Well, not too much to be honest. I think they’ve discovered something here on the planetoid, some kind of new metal to use in the construction of the stations and the ships but you know that I don’t really know a lot about those things. I bought a ton of books and magazines to keep myself entertained as well as movies and TV shows. There’s one about the lives of oil rig workers that I’m really enjoying, although it can be a bit slow at times.

 I sometimes think of fun stuff to do here, like romantic dinners and movie nights with him. I do try to keep it interesting doing different things for him, but its always very sad when he leaves and I’m alone for many days in a row. It’s nice to hug him and feel he’s mine for that moment. But I do know now that I have never really been in power to do anything about this, about our relationship and everything related to it. I’m just here and that is all I can say for now. See why I’m kind of sad these days?

 When I’m done doing the dishes, I like watching the Sun from our living room. It looks so small and distant, it makes me remember those summer days when I was young and had no idea about anything. Not that I know things right now, but back then I felt really small and innocent. It all felt as if it was new and beautiful. Somehow, I think that has disappeared forever from my life. Nothing feels new or beautiful anymore; it just feels like something else to be scared about, something else to take my life away somehow.

 I love him, I do. But I often think about the things that could’ve happened if I hadn’t gotten married to him, if I could’ve continued my studies and my projects instead of following him all over the place. Yes, other spouses do things and have their own lives but I don’t feel there was ever a place for me in this world. After all, you know very well I’m an artist, one that needs specific things to survive and to create. And those things cannot happen here, or at least, I don’t think they can.

 Well, I don’t want this letter to turn into something like a long list of complaints or something of the sort. You know well that I do love to complain about anything and everything, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to do it so often. I’ve even complained to people I don’t really know that well.

Yes, I tour the station sometimes and talk with some people; those that still think this is a fun ride. And we talk for a while but most of them are engineers and physicists and astronomers, so I don’t really have words for them to hear or interesting viewpoints to discuss with any of them.

 I think my best friend here is the station cat called Philomena. I have no idea who named her and brought her to this place. But we play sometimes and she makes me feel that I’m not yet losing my mind. She purrs and lot and that’s always comforting somehow, like those electric blankets we love.

 Anyway, this is it from me. I would love to read back from you. You can even call me and I will show you the place on the video feed. Just… Just don’t disappear like all the others did. I beg of you not to do that. Sorry if that makes you uncomfortable, but I had to say it.

 Well, big hug from this cold place.

 Talk to you soon,

 R.

Changing lives

   Thomas had gotten used to working out almost every waking hour of the day. He would wake up very early in the morning, sometimes at five in the morning, in order to get dressed up fast, hop onto his wheelchair and then drive directly to the gym. He would help the owner open up shop and then he would spent the whole day in there, resting only once to have lunch in the gym’s cafeteria and sometimes to drink some water and other drinks he ingested in order to have proper level of vitamins and all of those.

 He had been invested in growing his strength since he had came back from his service overseas. He had lost one leg and had been in treatment for his other one for a long time. Actually, the only times he spent out of the gym or his house would be spent in the hospital, in his treatment. He would have some physical therapy and then receive several shots that would help his body deal with all the scars and, especially, with the psychological consequences of everything that had happened in the desert.

 In his team, he hadn’t been a leader or someone too important. He was just one of the guys, trying to realize the mission that had been entrusted to them. They had to patrol small towns and suburbs looking for terrorists, for people attempting to use their dwindling power to hurt a bunch of invaders. He had told those exact words to his psychiatrist, telling her that he understood how damaging their existence there was but that he was younger somehow, even when it had happened only a few months before.

 Thomas was a bit resentful of the full thing, having no intention of going back or of wanting to contact the other guys that had participated in the war with him. Even watching pictures he had taken there was awful, hurting his head and his insides. He even burned some of them, but his wife prevented him from doing it with the whole lot. She hid everything in a box, far from his reach in order to preserver things she thought he would need in the future. She thought she knew what was best for him.

But in reality, she had no idea. What he wanted was to build himself up again, to be strong and fit in order for the world not to be able to destroy him. When his foot blew up, he felt he was made of clay or something like that. He felt like something and not someone, like one little piece in a large game that didn’t care about people like him. And he didn’t want to be just that, he had grown fed up of the whole soldier life, only entering it because he needed the money they paid to help his family out. But he had other dreams, before all of that. Not anymore though.

 Everyone person that went to that gym had grown to know Thomas in one-way or the other. They all knew he was the guy without one foot but also as the guy that could spend almost two hours in the same weight station. It was amazing to see him sweat but not care too much about it, going on and on. Many asked him for advice and he would give it to them but he was always clear about not letting them getting too close. He didn’t want any friends or anything of the sort. He didn’t want to compromise at all.

 That’s why his relationship with his wife had grown sour and stale. They didn’t have sex anymore and she claimed it wasn’t because of his accident but he felt that wasn’t the case. However, he was honest with himself and he knew he had relinquished any need for sexual relationships.  He had no interest in them, even if his penis proved to be working still. His doctors had assured him he could have children if he wanted to, but the truth was that he had no intention to have any kids.

 He wasn’t interested in living the life they had always wanted for him. His family, his wife, his friends in his soldier team and everyone else thought that knew what he needed in his life, what he had to and how he had to do it. And he had done exactly that for a long time, accepting the life he had been almost forced to live. But now he felt free somehow, he felt that by losing a part of himself, he had allowed real freedom to enter his life. It finally felt like he had a reason to live and not just go by.

 One day, his wife finally exploded in a fit of rage. She broke some plates and threw the box filled with his pictures and medals to his face. She yelled and demanded some action from him, something to tell her he was still the same man she had married. But the truth was that he wasn’t and he told her exactly that. He also said that he would be picking up his things and that he would be happy to sign any papers she wanted him to sign. He wheeled himself out of the house and then left for the gym.

 That night, he went back home to find it empty. She had probably left for her mother’s house or something. He stood up from the chair and decided right then and there that he didn’t need it anymore. He would get some crutches and then a prosthesis for his disappeared foot. He didn’t wanted to stay as a cripple, he needed to take the freedom he had been granted and use it to make whatever he wanted in life with it. He put all of his things on a few boxes, carried them to the car and then drove right into a motel to sleep for the night. It was the best night sleep he had in a long time.

 A few weeks later, he signed the papers his former wife’s lawyer had for him in his office. He was using the crutches then and had already sign up to get a prosthetic foot. It was going to cost a lot but him being a retiree from the army would get him some kind of discount. He was happy that day, celebrating the whole thing with one of his only friends, the owner of the gym. He was already thinking of getting a job, when his friend told him he would be welcome to work as a trainer in the gym. Thomas accepted in a heartbeat.

 He eventually got a nice little house, he was enjoying himself a lot at work and was even open to having new friends and maybe even a romantic relationship. He had built his body to be the one he wanted and now he was doing all he could to be the guy he had always wanted to be as desires and wishes go. He was finally himself and that made him smile from time to time, especially at those times he was alone and he remembered everything that had happened in his life and how much could still happen.

 Thomas was eager for more.

Happy new year

   The last place has always been paired with all the bad connotations. Being last is seen as having virtually no good qualities. Sometimes, not even bad qualities. You just don’t have anything going on for yourself if you come up in the last place. You might as well not run or participate, many think. But the truth is that there will always be a last one, as nothing in this world lasts forever and everything and everyone is doomed to disappear. And someone or something will be last, because things are finite.

 Can you imagine being the last human in the world? Yes, it would be extremely lonely and sad but you would be the last one, the last creature walking in two legs with a brain good enough to create things that are almost impossible. And you would be the last one in that lineage. You would be the last one to understand what feelings are and the last one to know how to attempt and explain them. You will be the last one to love and the last one to properly cry of real sadness.

 That’s all very beautiful, poetic even. You will be the last recipient of a vast history, encompassing bloody wars and beautiful romances. In you, the last remaining body, memories of all that has been and had been before you were born would be deposited. A brain acting as the last vessel for all human thought and advancement. Every single thing that humankind has done will be imbued in your blood and your flesh. When you die, being the last one of us all, an entire part of the history of the universe will die too.

 Tragic but there’s beauty in all the most awful things. We can deny it all that we want but that’s the way it is. Awful things can be fatal, can mark the last part of something, and maybe that’s why they can be beautiful, even in the darkness and among the most despised of human occurrences. Not everyone can actually see that light in the dark, but when you do, it’s the most beautiful thing you can ever see. That’s the world we live in and the world we have made around us, as members of the human race.

 So when you die, being the last of us, you will encompass everything beautiful and everything awful in your own essence, in your body and your soul.  All the concepts, the ideas, the feelings and thought, they will all somehow live inside of you, still breathing even if barely, trying to survive one more day. But, as we said before, being last is something that happens forever, something that does not change, no matter how much we would like it. “Last” is forever and that’s the way it is. So we will have to calm down in the last moments and just appreciate what was and never will be again.

 A year is the same. The end of this year marks the end of a series of events that marked our life that made us into the people that we are. Of course, many of those things will spill put into the next year and the following years, but as our live are so short, we can really define each year with ease. It isn’t difficult to put a name to it, to define it as something. Some years are bad and some are good, for example, depending on whom you ask. That’s the base of it all, the one that’s stored inside our heads for the future.

 It always happens that people begin to think an awful lot during the last few days of the year. They regret not doing some things and are happy that they did some others, but they know very well that whatever has happened cannot be undone and that they will have to deal with it. Nothing is clearer than when a loved one has passed and we remember that year because of it. Of course, its painful, but it’s also the reminder of our own mortality and that we should appreciate every single day on this Earth.

 The thing is we start thinking about what we have done only when the year is coming to an end, but rarely before that. Maybe in birthdays or days when we feel especially sad or down about something, but in many countries the last month of the year is the one with more suicides, homicides and, in general, more violent deaths than any other part o the year. Maybe it’s precisely because we start thinking about things and we decide we didn’t do enough or others didn’t do enough either. It can be a mess.

 The best thing is to think about every single thing we did and not only fixating our look on the bad stuff, which is what we tend to do often. Bad things always seem to be more serious, like their matter more, which is ridiculous. Feeling good and happy should always be as important as feeling like shit, so we should never take it for granted. Taking everything into account is very important and never forgetting that we are creatures made to feel everything, no matter what is and that nothing is forever.

 At the end of this year, we shouldn’t thing too much about the next one, we should just feel content with what we have done and just be on the lookout for the next year. If we want to achieve something special, then we should work towards it, doing whatever is needed to properly reach our goal. And that’s it, do things if you want or don’t do them if you don’t want to. It’s that simple and you should never complicate yourself with silly thought in a moment when you should be celebrating instead of feeling like shit. Jus enjoy the time you have because it is limited and there are no do-overs.

Happy new year.

Cape Horn

   The island had seemed so close, just a few minutes away from us. But the sea could never be trusted in that region. The weather changed in seconds and we were suddenly in the middle of gigantic waves and the most terrible wind anyone had ever experienced. We were prepared though; we had been doing calculations in order to properly avoid the disastrous things that could happen in that sector of our journey. But one thing is what you expect and one very different is the one that you get.

 The storm was fierce and seemed almost sentient, as if nature had no intention of letting us pass through. We were close and also so very far from our target and it felt almost like cruelty towards us that we were not being let to land on the island or to continue our journey. We wanted to set foot there but if that wasn’t happening, we could have scrapped it from our itinerary. But if we couldn’t pass to the other side, if we couldn’t reach the other side of the continent, shame would befall us back at home.

 We had sailed several weeks ago, promising to be successful. Many others had already done it in the past and we wouldn’t be breaking records or anything like that, but our small town was one proud of its seafaring history and we really wanted every single neighbor and friend to be proud of us. Besides, we were still very young in comparison to most sailors, so that was a thing we could play for the media, if we were successful. But first we had to overcome nature and she wasn’t letting us do what we intended.

 Wet and tired, still trying to make our yacht change course every two minutes, I remembered training with the group for months. Some did think we were idiots for attempting to do the journey, instead of just going to college and get a degree on something useful. Small town people don’t often care about dreams or things that are beyond themselves, they just want young people to know their place fast in order to keep the order and move along. They want some degree of tranquility and we weren’t there for it.

 What we wanted was to make something in life that would make us special or at least memorable. We all knew very well that our lives would probably not amount to much. After all, we came from a lost town in a place no one really cared about and we didn’t have money or fame to make us different, because that’s what makes people stick out in this world. We just wanted to do something that could make us proud in the future when we would have boring jobs that don’t pay well or we get to form families that we don’t really know how to envision from this young age.

 It was hard to explain it to them and that’s why we had to do everything by ourselves. The boat had been lent to us by a guy who had actually circumnavigated the globe several times. He was really interested in our story and came to help and train us. He even wanted to come with us but his doctor forbid it because of his health problems. He never really told us what was wrong with him but it was obvious it was quite serious. After we trained, he would often seat alone for ours, just staring at something in the horizon.

 His training was rough. He made us do in a few months what all sailors have to learn in years. He tried to make us understand the passion that makes a sailor become in love with the ocean and he taught about so many other things that relate to navigating, like the lives of marine creatures and many legends that had been told to him on his journeys around the world. It was amazing to listen to him and really feel that he loved what he did. His passion made us feel that what we were about to do was not crazy or stupid.

 Our parents and other friends did tell us that several times. Even journalists from small radio stations and television channels that came the day we departed, asked us if we were insane to do what we were going to do. And we all laughed and joked and just shrugged it off because there was nothing that they could say that would derail us from doing what we intended to do. It was already something that we had in our heads, deep in there, and it couldn’t be moved, changed or destroyed. We had to do it.

 Some were sad the day we left but not because they felt regret but because they missed some of the guys and girls that had decided not to go with us. Many did, almost half of the initial group to be honest. But I think we understood where they were coming from, because it’s not so easy to say that you’re leaving and don’t even know if you’re coming back. Because the trip is not about us and our skills as sailors, it’s about the world that we live in, the kind of people we may find and nature’s relentless struggle to be all-powerful.

 It was nice though, to feel the wind in one’s hair and sniff the salty air all around. That first day and first night were the pinnacle of many of our lives. We felt like adults, like really fully adults, for the first time since we had graduated high school. We felt like men and women capable of doing things that no one expected from us. Everything around us and our senses told us that this had been the right idea all along. We were right and we were going to prove to every single person in the world that no one can be taken for granted for any reason. We had our chance to prove them all wrong.

 We stayed in that storm for two whole days. Rations were beginning to go scarce but we had a good person managing that, in order to resist for at least two more days. We were even thing about going back to the last port and just try some other day, but going back also proved to be very difficult. In every direction, waves were beginning to grow larger and larger, the sky was always grey and the wind pushed the boat in the opposite direction. It was almost impossible to be sane in such a situation.

 We decided we couldn’t stop, we couldn’t just give up. Pushing through was the only way we were going to move on to something else. So we checked the equipment, we confirmed it on the outside and we pressed on. The idea was to go through the storm and then head straight to the nearest port in the coast. It would be a very small town, but that seemed suitable for a group of people that came from a very similar place. Actually, we were all looking forward to the kind of hospitality only given in such places.

 Everyone performed admirably, as if they had done this all of their lives. They were all essential in make the boat go through the toughest waves and pulls and pushes of the wind. We risked our lives and we did feel death looming close by. But we couldn’t back down in that moment. We had to push through once and again and again, until we could finally rest and leave that horrible storm behind. For a moment there, it was almost certain that we would die and it seemed we were ready for it, like never before.

 But nature suddenly seemed to feel kind and generous. The waves started shrinking and the wind also calmed down a bit. A hole through the clouds opened and we could see the sun, shining brightly over our tired heads. And then, very close once again, we saw Horn island. It felt so close again and we were tempted to try and land there but we decided against it. We couldn’t let the storm trap us there. So we decided to salute the island and move on up the coast, towards something more certain.

 The people on the village we docked in were extremely nice and friendly. They gave us food and even let us use their washing machines for our laundry. We were going to sleep in the boat but they also insisted we should all sleep in nice beds that night, so that’s what we did.

 We ended up staying there for four days, after fixing some problems with our ride. Then, we said goodbye and moved on to the next port. We would go north and then on to the open ocean again, to cross the Pacific. We were still a long way from home and we were very thrilled about it.