Reglas de vida

   La gente está tan acostumbrada a la rutina, a que todas las vidas sean iguales, que simplemente no entienden cuándo la vida de una sola persona se sale de ese carril que se supone todos debemos seguir. Se dice que esa persona es rara, se dice que es su culpa que no funcione su vida ya que no quiere mantenerse en esos carriles definidos o claros. Con el tiempo, algunos de esos “raros” han sido empujado dentro de los límites de la vida que todos conocemos, pero siguen habiendo personas que simplemente no se acoplan.

 Desde una edad temprana es evidente que todos van hacia un mismo lado, de la misma manera. La libertad es una ilusión después de la más tierna infancia. Cuando se pone a un niño en un centro de educación, eso inevitablemente lo interna en esas reglas que las personas han creado para vivir vidas “normales”. Desde la primaria los niños saben quienes son “raros” y cómo detectarlos. Hay gusto normales y gustos anormales, hay manera de hacer que se aceptan y maneras que simplemente no son aceptables.

 Esto empeora de manera grave en la adolescencia, pues los seres humanos saben que saldrán de la protección de sus padres al finalizar esa etapa y entonces todo será por su cuenta y no podrán depender de nadie para tener éxito en las reglas de la vida que han sido impuestas hace mucho tiempo, por personas que necesitaban una serie de normas que estabilizaran el mundo a su alrededor y lo hicieran tener mayor sentido. Ahí fue que la adolescencia adquirió esa importancia falsa que tiene hoy en día.

 Pero en todo caso pelean, pelean por sus vidas echando a unos a un hueco eterno del que tal vez nunca salgan. Claro que factores externos pueden tener incidencia en quitar a ciertas personas, a los anormales, del camino pero la vida no es buena ni mala, solo es. Así que muchas personas siguen y deben competir con aquellos que por su vida y su empeño han adquirido todo lo necesario para triunfar por encima de los demás, una y otra vez, sin detenerse un solo momento a cambiar su camino.

 Es impensable hacerlo. No ocurre y por eso los que están del lado equivocado del camino lo tienen muy difícil para de pronto entrar al camino donde existen los problemas pero no son tan graves como para los que viven en los bordes de la sociedad y de la existencia. Es una tontería negar que unas personas tienen ventajas que otros no tienen, pero hay quienes dicen que esto es mentira y otros deciden justificar estas diferencias, diciendo que no todos pueden tener acceso a las mismas ventajas pues entonces no habría personas en todos los niveles de trabajo y vida en el planeta, algo que ellos dicen es necesario.

 Es el puto trabajo el que termina de dividirnos, de clasificarnos y de hacernos nada más sino una etiqueta. Miren el caso, por ejemplo, de las amas de casa. Muchas personas hoy en día todavía no creen que sea un trabajo que merezca nombrarse en reuniones y fiestas como todos los demás, por el único hecho de que la persona no recibe un salario. Trabajar así no es algo que ellos crean que tiene valor alguno y aunque lo nieguen, una y otra vez, es algo que es porque ellos lo han hecho así.

 Y ni hablemos de la clasificación de las personas por la cantidad de dinero que ganen en un tiempo determinado. No es solo la cantidad de dinero que ganen por su salario contractual, sino también en cuanto tiempo se gana ese dinero. Es mucho más impresionante ganar una gran cantidad de dinero en un tiempo que se piensa limitado que ganarlo todo una vez por una razón o por otra. Clasificamos entonces a las personas así y las pensamos en referencia a lo que ganan. Lo que son o lo que piensan es irrelevante.

 El dinero es una de esas manos invisibles que mueve el mundo y siempre lo ha hecho. A la gente le gusta pensar que esto es algo reciente y que antes no sucedía, pero el poder y el dinero siempre han ido de la mano controlando todo lo que existe y lo que creamos y hacemos. Nuestra libertad siempre ha sido limitada y una bonita ilusión que permite que aquellos que siguen el camino principal piensen que su felicidad es plena y que no hay margen de duda para que lleguen a pensar que puede haber algo que no cuadra.

 Pero los que están en los márgenes y más allá, saben muy bien que todo o es tan bonito como lo cuentan. Claro que la vida tiene cosas buenas y cosas malas, pero es mucho más oscura cuando no hay luz y no demasiado clara cuando sí la hay. La vida es compleja, es una maraña de caminos y de ideas que nunca terminan y que nos hemos encargado de ir limitando día tras día, al ir restringiendo lo que somos y como podemos llegar a serlo. Dejamos de ser libres porque nosotros lo decidimos.

 Fuimos nosotros los que le cortamos las alas a la humanidad y lo hicimos porque sabíamos que no podíamos permitir que todos volaran demasiado alto. De nuevo, las personas pensaron que no todos tienen el derecho de poder volar por encima de los demás, sea por un tiempo limitado o por la duración de toda una vida. Y en esto muchos estuvieron de acuerdo incluso existiendo en lugares diferentes de la sociedad. Los ricos y los pobres acordaron que tienen que seguir existiendo ambos grupos porque no hay otra manera de seguir existiendo para ellos, no conciben el mundo de otra manera.

 Y sí, claro que muchas de las cosas que suceden son cumpla nuestra, de nosotros como individuos únicos e independientes. Al menos en gran medida. Somos nosotros los que tomamos las pequeñas decisiones, aquellas que pueden corregir el curso de nuestras vidas en ciertos momentos, sin importar si son decisiones exitosas o desastrosas. Es nuestra culpa cuando fracasamos y casi siempre es por nosotros que alcanzamos el éxito. No todos estarán de acuerdo pero en general esa es la realidad de las cosas.

 Por supuesto que cuando nuestra vida es un fracaso, en gran parte la culpa es nuestra. Somos nosotros los que decidimos ser diferentes, los que vimos que estábamos en los márgenes y decidimos seguir hacia allá, sin mirar que nos alejábamos cada vez más del centro que todos aspiran a seguir. Estuvimos completamente conscientes de que estábamos alejándonos de lo que todo el mundo debe hacer y hay que aceptar las consecuencias de esa decisión, lo que ocurre cuando nos empeñamos en ser distintos.

 Las cosas no funcionan igual porque no tenemos las cualidades para saber navegar las aguas de la vida, de la vida que se ha asignado a nosotros por quienes somos y de dónde venimos. Tenemos un destino definido y si no lo cumplimos, está claro que vamos a fracasar una y otra vez. La única opción que tenemos es tratar de volver al camino trazado pero eso es más fácil decirlo que hacerlo. Es casi imposible entrar en un lugar en el que nunca has estado y donde hay gente que compite contigo.

 Y no solo compite. No se trata de perder y ganar. Porque la verdad es que nunca se gana y siempre se pierde, de maneras diferentes e incluso los más exitosos. La meta siempre cambia de lugar y por eso hay que seguir y seguir y urge tener todas esas ventajas que se entregan en la infancia. No hay un final claro y fracasar o tener éxito no tienen ningún significado en el gran esquema de las cosas, es solo cuando lo experimentamos que creemos que tienen alguna importancia pero no la tienen.

 El caso es que todo esto causa el síndrome de la gran cantidad de fracasados que somos y vivimos en este mundo. Personas que no llegamos a ningún lado, que no somos nada más sino un estorbo y que nunca podemos ser lo que nadie necesita ni quiere ni busca. Solo somos y no suele ser fácil.

 Hacemos lo que tenemos que hacer y, en algún momento pasa una de dos cosas: o nos dejan en paz y nos dejan vivir en un rincón de este mundo o salimos de él por nuestra propia voluntad o, a veces, por la de algún otro. Es simplemente la realidad de las cosas, de lo que a veces no queremos ver.

He came back

   Trekking the archipelago was an adventure, there’s no other way to describe it. They had always been there, available for everyone to go and just take the challenge. Technically, they were a national park but getting the permission to walk through the islands and sail was not impossible to get. The only condition that could annoy people would be the fact that a guide sent by the government office in charge of national parks would have to get a seat in the group that would be crossing the islands.

 Amak was the name of our guide and he was only the third member in our small party. I was one of the others. The second member would be my husband, the person that had initially thought of the trip. He had been dreaming about it for many years, as he had been trekking the world with his parents since he was a little kid. They were ecologists; so travelling around the planet was a common thing for him. He had a birthday on Mount Everest and his parents wedding had taken place in the Australian desert.

 Somehow, he had ended up marrying to a person like me, someone that rarely travelled more than a hundred kilometers away from his birthplace. I had only flown on a plane three times in my life and they had all been moments of a certain character, like birthdays and special occasions for my family. I had met him in college and, to be honest, I had never really liked him. He had the attention of every single person at every moment, he was the one all girls fell in love with and all guys admired.

 It was just like that until the very last semester; when we were almost forced to interact do to the impending arrival of that dreaded moment when you have to make a final paper to sum it all up at the end of the career. The problem, which I now see as a blessing, was that we had similar projects and we were convinced to do the work together and surrender it as a duo, instead of doing it all by ourselves. So we had to start seeing each other often and it was then when everything changed.

 We started seeing each other differently and I discovered he had an image of me, as I had formed a picture of him. Of course, both ideas were not complete or accurate, so it was kind of interesting to uncover that slowly. We became friends after the first few months and then we really got to working on our thesis. We came up with a lot of things together and, by the end of all that process, we discovered we had something very precious between each other, something that was much more special than a newfound friendship. It was the time we knew more feelings were involved.

 After college we separated for a while though, because he needed to go back to his parents who were living in Nepal in that time. I was sure that he wasn’t coming back to the city, so I decided to just be a nice friend before he left. He didn’t say much during those days, preferring to be silent and a little bit distant. When he left, I caught myself crying sometimes, in the most strange places and moments. I just dried the tears and pretended nothing was going on, lying to myself because it was easier that way.

 To my surprise, he appeared in my life again six months later, after a long time without communicating to me. We agreed on talking on a bar and the moment I saw him I felt everything again, as if he had never left. It was strange, so I decided not to act on any feeling and just enjoy the moment. And we did. He told me new stories about his parents and also some of his own, helping people in remote areas and enjoying nature and life at tits fullest. He seemed to have had a great time there and it was obvious he wanted to be there.

 So I asked him why had he came back? It was obvious that he had everything he wanted back with his parents, traveling the globe and enjoying life near nature. And he now had a career to help himself and his family, so it did not make any sense to come back to a place he didn’t like or appreciate it beyond some friendships and the career he had gotten. I turned a bit angry as I said that, but I tried to control myself as much as I could. My voice trembled and my hands were shaking visibly.

 He did the worst thing he could have done in that moment: instead of talking, of explaining himself, he put his hand on mine. I jumped from my seat, almost knocking over my glass full of beer. Everyone turned around to look at me and I was too embarrassed, so I left him there on his own. I walked back to my house, not that far away from the place we had been drinking in. I was enraged and on the verge of crying, my fists tightly closed and my jaw closing violently as if I wanted to destroy my own teeth.

 However, he ran to get to me. Again, he grabbed me by the wrist and stopped me. Instinctively, I launched a punch towards him but he dodged it and made me get closer to him, in a weird hug that he forced at first but then I corresponded slowly. I finally cried and asked him again why he had come back to that place, to me. Again, he answered with no words, something I’ve learned that he likes to do quite often. He kissed me right then and there, in the middle of the street and of the night. It didn’t last long but it was enough for me to let my defenses down and finally get calm.

 And now, year later, he convinced me to travel like he once did. I had no commitment with nay kind of work or with anyone, so he convinced me to work with him and his parents and sometimes only with him. He was the kind of person that helped remote communities stand on their own two feet. He helped them communicate with the world and get access to everything they needed to survive. He convinced me to go with him and I accepted, feeling maybe I needed to change my life decisively.

 That trip crossing the islands was just part of the fun, something to do before and after helping people. The first night, we hugged tightly and Amak slept as if he had never done that before. I realized it couldn’t be that bad to be in the middle of the wilderness with the one person that came back to me, looking precisely for me. He loved me and I felt that every day I was with him, even if he made me do things I didn’t particularly liked doing. I guess he felt I was able to do all that and he wanted me to dare a bit.

 I spent all of those days holding his hands, sometimes for some minutes, sometimes for much longer. I realized I really loved that man and I loved the way he did things and how he trusted in me much more than I did myself. He made me feel better than special. He made me feel I was worth it.

Happy new year

   The last place has always been paired with all the bad connotations. Being last is seen as having virtually no good qualities. Sometimes, not even bad qualities. You just don’t have anything going on for yourself if you come up in the last place. You might as well not run or participate, many think. But the truth is that there will always be a last one, as nothing in this world lasts forever and everything and everyone is doomed to disappear. And someone or something will be last, because things are finite.

 Can you imagine being the last human in the world? Yes, it would be extremely lonely and sad but you would be the last one, the last creature walking in two legs with a brain good enough to create things that are almost impossible. And you would be the last one in that lineage. You would be the last one to understand what feelings are and the last one to know how to attempt and explain them. You will be the last one to love and the last one to properly cry of real sadness.

 That’s all very beautiful, poetic even. You will be the last recipient of a vast history, encompassing bloody wars and beautiful romances. In you, the last remaining body, memories of all that has been and had been before you were born would be deposited. A brain acting as the last vessel for all human thought and advancement. Every single thing that humankind has done will be imbued in your blood and your flesh. When you die, being the last one of us all, an entire part of the history of the universe will die too.

 Tragic but there’s beauty in all the most awful things. We can deny it all that we want but that’s the way it is. Awful things can be fatal, can mark the last part of something, and maybe that’s why they can be beautiful, even in the darkness and among the most despised of human occurrences. Not everyone can actually see that light in the dark, but when you do, it’s the most beautiful thing you can ever see. That’s the world we live in and the world we have made around us, as members of the human race.

 So when you die, being the last of us, you will encompass everything beautiful and everything awful in your own essence, in your body and your soul.  All the concepts, the ideas, the feelings and thought, they will all somehow live inside of you, still breathing even if barely, trying to survive one more day. But, as we said before, being last is something that happens forever, something that does not change, no matter how much we would like it. “Last” is forever and that’s the way it is. So we will have to calm down in the last moments and just appreciate what was and never will be again.

 A year is the same. The end of this year marks the end of a series of events that marked our life that made us into the people that we are. Of course, many of those things will spill put into the next year and the following years, but as our live are so short, we can really define each year with ease. It isn’t difficult to put a name to it, to define it as something. Some years are bad and some are good, for example, depending on whom you ask. That’s the base of it all, the one that’s stored inside our heads for the future.

 It always happens that people begin to think an awful lot during the last few days of the year. They regret not doing some things and are happy that they did some others, but they know very well that whatever has happened cannot be undone and that they will have to deal with it. Nothing is clearer than when a loved one has passed and we remember that year because of it. Of course, its painful, but it’s also the reminder of our own mortality and that we should appreciate every single day on this Earth.

 The thing is we start thinking about what we have done only when the year is coming to an end, but rarely before that. Maybe in birthdays or days when we feel especially sad or down about something, but in many countries the last month of the year is the one with more suicides, homicides and, in general, more violent deaths than any other part o the year. Maybe it’s precisely because we start thinking about things and we decide we didn’t do enough or others didn’t do enough either. It can be a mess.

 The best thing is to think about every single thing we did and not only fixating our look on the bad stuff, which is what we tend to do often. Bad things always seem to be more serious, like their matter more, which is ridiculous. Feeling good and happy should always be as important as feeling like shit, so we should never take it for granted. Taking everything into account is very important and never forgetting that we are creatures made to feel everything, no matter what is and that nothing is forever.

 At the end of this year, we shouldn’t thing too much about the next one, we should just feel content with what we have done and just be on the lookout for the next year. If we want to achieve something special, then we should work towards it, doing whatever is needed to properly reach our goal. And that’s it, do things if you want or don’t do them if you don’t want to. It’s that simple and you should never complicate yourself with silly thought in a moment when you should be celebrating instead of feeling like shit. Jus enjoy the time you have because it is limited and there are no do-overs.

Happy new year.

Unexpected

 He was very nervous. Samuel gave him a cigarette and told him to go smoke it outside, by the bushes that covered a large part of the house. As they filmed inside with another guy, he was smoking, his hands shaking and even his lips turning a very bright pink. He had been chosen just of the street, after one of the producers had just loved the way he looked. He wasn’t a very hipster boy or anything like that, he was just naturally beautiful and that was something they really needed in their movies.

 There was a market for those who liked guys like him, the kind that looks very young but that’s old enough to sign a contract and win a decent amount of money for working in the adult industry. Of course, there was always the problem of him never having done anything like that. The producer had told him it was something very safe and very private or at least as private as it could be when the video could be seen by, at least, a million people online. The point was that it was a very lucrative business.

 And the guy needed it. His name was Phillip and he had no money to go to college. He lived with his single mom and a little sister. She was being sent to public school, so her mom had no money worries there. But she just couldn’t do anything for her son. Her advice for him was to just get a job and start making money, in order to avoid giving his future family a life like that one. He was saddened by those words but, at the same time, it was funny that his mom had no idea he had no interest in women or families.

 He accepted the offer by calling the producer the night he talked with his mother. They agreed to do a screen test, with a video camera and taking some pictures. For him, that was no problem. He just did what they asked from him and, not surprisingly, he was all that they could wish for in a guy and maybe even more. He looked exactly like what their audience was asking for. He was very flattered when they told him this, not really understanding the whole dimension of the matter. The important thing was he was going to get paid.

 However, the morning of the first shooting he realized that, although he had sexual experience, he had never done it in front of so many people. There was a camera guy and his assistant, a makeup person, the sound guys, the director, a producer and, of course, the other guy that would be having sex with him. It was al a bit overwhelming when he first saw it all and that’s when Samuel the sound guy gave him a cigarette and told him to go outside and chill for a bit. It was a good advice. Phillip tried to calm down but he wasn’t fully calmed when he was called inside, in order to begin.

 To his surprise, he had neglected to realize he was going to have sex with only one person. So when they started touching and kissing, the others just seemed to disappear. Of course, every now and then, they would say some direction or tell them to move in a certain way. It would break the moment for a bit, but he would go on doing what they were paying him to do. When it was all done, everyone congratulated the pair. The director looked very happy and the producer told Phillip he could be the next big star.

 He got paid right then and there and took the bus straight home to go and stash the bills inside a can he had in his room. He would have loved to tell his mother he was going to make good money, but he realized he had to lie first. He just couldn’t tell her what he was actually doing. Not because it was bad or wrong, his mother was not that kind of person. He just didn’t have any intention to tell her that he was gay. It didn’t seem like the right time to do it. So he had to come up with something else to cover for it.

 Phillip announced her, the next day that he was going to work in a comic book store. He said it was one of those big stores in the fancy side of town, where many men would pay hundreds of dollars for a vintage version of their favorite comic book. She was very surprised but pleased and, as expected, she didn’t ask anything else. Not how he had gotten the job or when or how much did it pay. She was just happy to know her son could take care of himself. Besides, he knew that once he made more money, he would try to help her a bit with it, by buying groceries or paying some of the home bills.

 Time passed and the producers came through with their promises. Some weeks, Phillip had to go and perform for at least four movies. Some were done for the same production company and others would be done by foreign people that would pay to have Phillip in one of their pictures. At the beginning, he was only portrayed as a young innocent boy. But he eventually got into more specific genres within the industry. Of course, nothing too violent or dangerous. He was a pretty boy but not a stupid one.

 More than once, some man somewhere would try to touch him without permission or do crude jokes about him in front of him. At first he tried to just shrug it off, but once he realized he had some weight in the conversations, he started to talk back to people and to let them know exactly what the rules were. One thing was the performances he gave and another, very different, was his intent to be with someone, if there was any intent at all. This made him lose a few jobs but it made others fall in love with him and inviting him to do more work and even a few side things.

 He would do silly videos with some of his costars, in order to raise money for different things, or he would model clothes and accessories for many brands catering to the gay community. The moment he felt he had made it, in some way, was when they asked him to go to the other side of the country to promote some of his movies and also some of the clothes that he had been modeling for. He would make a ton of money doing that and he would also gain much needed exposure that was never a bad thing for anyone.

 His mother thought he was going on a trip to buy rare vintage comic books for the store. It was around then when he felt she knew something, maybe not the whole picture but maybe parts of it. She looked at him differently and would seem to be careful with her words when she spoke to him. He would have liked to ask her what was going on but it would be pushing a little bit too much and it wasn’t worth it, not in that moment that seem to be going so good for her. That part of his personal life could wait.

 However, life never really agrees with anyone. She just takes her own course. On his trip, he met a photographer for a new brand that wanted him as a model. He posed for him and talked a lot during the photo-shoot and at an event where they ran into each other. He realized he really liked that guy, and the guy seemed to really care about him, beyond the pornography and the pictures. Luckily, he too lived on the other side of the country, so they even went back together, talking and talking during the five-hour flight.

 It was about three months into them dating, when Phillips mother told him he was proud of him, no matter what he did. He was confused by that and had no idea what to say. She then grabbed her tablet and showed him an advertisement she had seen online for men’s underwear. It was him. She told him she investigated a little bit more and realized what other business he was working in. Before he could say a word, she assured him it was all fine, because he wasn’t doing anything wrong. It was just different.

 Weeks later, Phillip introduced her to Jonathan, the photographer he had been dating for a while. He really hit it off with her and with his little sister. They would even go to the movies or the park, enjoying the weekends together as a big family. It was a very strange feeling but a good one.

 Phillip kept doing his jobs. Eventually, he moved on more into the modeling aspect of the whole thing, but still loving to work for some brands that let him get in touch with that side of him that gave him a chance in life. It was strange, but he owed it all to pornography. Who would have thought?