Suddenly, Maxine felt guilty of everything
she had ever done and also guilty of things she couldn’t have possibly done.
For a single moment, she felt responsible for everything and anything that had
ever happened around her. Of course, she was just being silly but that tiny
fraction of time sunk itself deep into her core. For days, she felt badly about
it all and thinking about not being sad made her even sadder. That unease even
translated itself into a powerful aching of the whole body.
She curled up in bed and stayed there for a
whole week, deciding not to go out for her own well being but also for the well
being of others. She felt she needed to fix too many things about herself and
it wasn’t a good idea to expose others to the mess that was happening inside of
her. That guilt was much too powerful and it had taken hold of her. Yet, the
only way to get it out was or her to be strong enough and really deal with it
instead of trying to shield herself from further harm.
Maxine felt she had alienated everyone and
that it was her fault that all relationships she had with other people had
failed miserably in a matter of months. She had been too busy doing her things,
trying to stay alive in a world filled with barriers and traps. The woman had
expected people to understand her, to get why she couldn’t go out anymore or
talk to them as often as they once did. She forgot she had never been a very
talkative person, not a really “in touch” friend.
And
yet, they blamed her and her decisions for the destruction of their
friendships. She was to blame for a lack of communications. When she had heard
these accusations, which had come in the form of text messages in her phone,
she realized she couldn’t possibly fight the allegations. How in the hell could
she make any sense by writing on a cellphone? She couldn’t possibly defend her
position and made herself be understood by typing on a machine, waiting for an
answer.
Max asked for all of them to meet, her closest
friends and her, in order to sort things out and clear the air. But they all
suddenly said they were much too busy for that to happen. Maybe in the future
but not right away, not when it mattered and when she could make the most
sense. She felt awful because they made her feel she was the one to blame and it
was that moment that send her down a spiral of guilt and internal pain that she
couldn’t really handle by herself. Or that’s what she had taught. Because that
woman, and everyone, is stronger than they think.
After that awful week, she realized she had to
accept that changes happen in life, that she hadn’t done anything badly or said
anything that would make anyone part ways with her. She had lived her life in
the way she thought she had to in order to achieve what she wanted. It would be
very unfair to judge her because of that, to make her the one to blame just
because she had decided to take care of herself completely. Maybe it hadn’t
been the best thing to do but it was her choice.
They told her they were also very taken aback
by her failures in life, that it was exhausting to hear her complain every time
about things that were or were not happening in her life. They told her they
were tired of trying to help and they had decided it was not worth it anymore.
That was the knife in the back, a big and sharpened knife that they plunged
deep into her, an attack that was decisive on how she decided to proceed days
later. Every word was branded on her mind.
It was true she was a failure. She had
accepted that as a part of herself, of her personality and of everything that
she seemed to be up to that point in her life. It was also true that, once or
twice, she had asked for advice. It was only natural to do so with friends.
However, it wasn’t true she had been begging for advice or help, as they made
it seem. She had only reached out to them, worried that so much time had passed
since their last conversation, seeking to rekindle the connection.
Well, those words had been more that knife,
more than any weapon. None of the arms created by mankind could ever hurt as
much as those words had. Because they were not only hurtful but they were also
mixed with lies and a clear objective to destroy, they had been prepared in
advance in order to be ready for the moment she spoke about their clear
shortcomings, the same ones she had but that she had been the only one to
recognize. Modesty be damned, it was Maxine who spoke!
It is revolting to think about it now. She had
talked about them about talking and trying to get things straight. She still
wants to do that and has tried to get it done but they won’t have time for her,
not for now at least. She decided to let them live their lives, just as done
before. She’ll probably be blamed for that too but she doesn’t care anymore
because, for once, she knows she was in the right. She knows now, in this
precise moment in time, that she has done everything possible without being a
bother to herself or them. That’s as much as she can do right now and, to be
fair, she couldn’t say if she would do more.
That’s one group, the largest one. The others
are the kind that just wants her close in case they want something from Max.
Maybe they want her body or her connections or her talent for a while, possibly
for free. They don’t talk often either and they always seem ashamed when she
talks to them and wonders why they don’t talk more often. In that case, she’s
not the one to blame, almost the opposite. And that’s not a great position
either because they make her feel just as bad, one way or the other.
This group is manageable and most of them are
mostly honest about how their relationship works with Maxine. They both know
who they are in those connections and it mostly goes fine, without any annoying
moments. They just happen to be people that know each other and that play the
game of knowing each other well and liking each other’s lives. It requires a
bit of acting but, as it doesn’t really happen that often, it isn’t really a
big deal. It’s just one of those human things.
The last group, being the least crowded one,
is the made up by real friends. People that just don’t care what about or when
you talked to them. They always have time and words of support. They say the
truth, which can sometimes be hard, but they do it because they know that might
be the best way to keep a friendship in its best shape possible. They don’t
really care what shape their connection takes, they just want to be close to
their friends, to Maxine in this case.
Anyway, people are people and things always find
a way to work out eventually. Maxine soon learned that worrying about
everything didn’t really help at all and that making all of that take a toll on
her could only be harmful to herself and destroy her own life in the long run.
Nothing is more important than taking care of yourself, so Maxine decided to do
things in her life as she saw fit. If others agreed with her or not, that was their
decision to make and she would have to accept changes.
You simply cannot please everyone. That’s just
not possible.
