He walked towards the window and noticed the
void was only a few centimeters from his feet. He saw the city, its lights and
many smaller figures moving from one side to the other. They could be seen
because of the traffic lights and the cars. He imagined, or rather, he asked
himself, if maybe there was someone in that entire city that could understand
how he felt or what his life was like. But the answer was probably a negative
one. He was alone and he had to learn to embrace that or suffer for the rest of
his life.
In his hand, he had the syringe ready to be
used. He pressed his hand around it but, somehow, he couldn’t bring himself to
do what he always did: inject the client with it so he would sleep longer and
then have all the time in the world to rob him of every penny he had. After
all, it wasn’t all about two coins. It was about a lot of money that couldn’t
be traced once he had done what he knew best. But he just couldn’t do it.
He was completely naked in front of that
window, with a powerful drug in his hand and just couldn’t be the person he had
been for so long. Suddenly a couple of tears escaped his eyes and then he knew
what happened was really bad. He never cried and it was obvious he wasn’t
crying for the guy that was sleeping in he bed. That man had it all and
couldn’t complain about a single thing in his life. He cried because if he
couldn’t do what he always did, he was done.
-
What’s up cutie?
A tremor traveled all along his spine. The man
on the bed was no longer sleeping.
- I’m
good. I wanted to feel the cold a bit.
- Ok.
Are you staying?
- Whatever
you want.
-
Come here.
So he had to go back to bed, dropping the
syringe in the dark and hoping he would be able to find it afterwards. It
would be a disaster for him if someone else saw it and started asking
questions.
In bed, he had to wait until the client fell
asleep again but apparently that wasn’t the mood he was in. The moment he got
into bed, it seemed the guy had developed a new set of hands. And the younger
man didn’t enjoy it one bit. He wanted to pick up his things and leave as soon
as possible. But the only way to let the guy do. So he did.
After thirty minutes or so, the man was tired
again and felt asleep right away. The boy got out of bed, went to the bathroom
to clean himself and to clean his face too and he discovered that he hated the
person that looked at him from the mirror. There had been a separation between
the version of him that did whatever was necessary to survive and the him that
just wanted to be left alone in order to live in peace. They had lived in peace
for long but now it seemed that conflict was coming back to his head.
He got out of the bathroom and looked for the
syringe with the light of his cellphone. It had fallen under the bed. He
removed the needle and put it all in an internal pocket of his jacket. He put
on his clothes in silence and got out as soon as possible, not before grabbing
a couple of bills from the guy’s wallet. The fact that he wasn’t going to do
the same thing to him that he did to all others, didn’t meant he didn’t need
any money.
Once outside the hotel, he walked to the
nearest metro station and wait on the platform for ten minutes until one of the
late trains arrived. There were many people inside for such a late hour but
mainly drunks, prostitutes, junkies and many other beautiful flowers of the
night. He sat down near the door and realized he was very tired and just wanted
to rest. Even his awful bed would be perfect, even in that awful shared
apartment in which the other guys living there were more like pigs than men.
He reflected on his life, thinking he really
hated must about it. He would have wanted a nice place with a big bed and a
nice mattress. He would have wanted to live alone and away from idiots, who
made him have headaches every single day. He would have wanted to just live a
private life away from any eyes that would want to ruin that, that would want
to judge him for everything he had done.
But that wasn’t possible. He was poor, even
after having stolen so much money. Because there was always a bigger fish and
that bigger fish demanded a piece of the earnings or it would do a lot of
damage just because. And he had to pay the rent for that hellhole, he had to
eat and pay for his metro card. Like any other human being, except he robbed
men who were “defenseless”. He didn’t thought of it like that but, whatever.
Once he got home, he locked the door, turn off
the lights and put on some cotton on his ears in order not to hear anything
from the outside. He wanted a moment to himself and that wasn’t going to happen
if he heard the stupidities of the world outside of him. So he fell asleep soon
and he slept for several hours, until he felt he had had enough of his bed. His
body felt hurt somehow and then he remembered clients could be assholes so he
didn’t give it a second thought.
Before he could cross any of the idiots that
lived with him, he put on some clothes and ran for the door. He bought
breakfast with money from an earlier job and tried to eat as slow as he could,
in order to enjoy the meal and also to make time go slower. Because if he went
fast, night would come again and he didn’t wanted it to come because he was
part of it and he had responsibilities there which he didn’t want to fulfill at
all.
He ate bacon, eggs, bread, ham and a cup of
tea. It was much more than what he normally ate. Sometimes he would just have a
granola bar or something like that. And other days, very bad days, he would
stay in his bedroom because there was no money to eat and then he would have to
deal with all the other guys shit, They would ask him for money or for drugs or
whatever and he was sick to have to do that, dealing with them.
It was a possibility to send them all to hell,
but he really couldn’t do it because he knew what he was like when he lost
control. He knew that if he started yelling or something, he couldn’t be
stopped. And many times it was not only about what could come out of his mouth
but also what he could do to others and himself, physically. He was a very
violent man when he wanted to and that’s why he wanted to avoid people in
general. They only pissed him off and that wasn’t good.
After breakfast, he decided to go to a mall
and just try to have a normal day, without so many worries. So he grabbed one
of the bills he had stolen from his client the night before and promised
himself to buy something with that. Maybe a t-shirt or at least an ice cream to
enjoy the day. But after looking so many pieces of clothing and so much food,
he felt more ill than ever. Somehow, he was worse than he thought.
He found himself thinking about the man that
he wasn’t able to rob and also about all the other that he had indeed robbed.
And tried to make sense of all of that. He realized he had no idea how
everything had gotten to that point, how it was that a young guy like him had
to do such things to keep living. He knew the world didn’t give a shit about
him but there had to be more to it than just that.
Then, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He
turned instantly, scared as he had being thinking and not paying attention to
the people around him. For a minute, he thought it was a cop or a security
officer. But it was just Nathan, the guy that charged him for what he did. He
knew Nathan had come for more money but he had none. And he was done accepting
that deal, because there was nothing he could take away from him anymore. No
secrets, no revelations to make to anyone.
His life was on a turning point but he had no
idea if it was for the best or the worst.
