It was very cold outside but I just had to
smoke. It was one of those times when I just needed to fill my lungs with that
damn poison that we all know and hate but sometimes need desperately. I was
only wearing my boxers and I had put on his jacket in order not to freeze my
ass while smoking at six AM like an idiot. The view from the balcony was amazing:
as the building sat on one of the many hills in the city, you could see the
business towers on one side and the ocean in the other, as well as hundreds of
cars rushing one way or the other. The air smelled delicious, like fresh bread.
I noticed there was a bakery just across the street and an elderly couple where
entering the store, buying their morning bread so early.
How did they do it? I don’t mean wake up this
early to go and buy bread. I mean, how did they stay together for all these
years, without boring each other or drive each other mad? I know and feel I
would have the capacity to drive any other guy insane. For life… That tends to
be a fucking long time and that’s something I’m not really comfortable with. I
have never been able to keep a relationship with anyone for more than six
months and this couple may be celebrating their sixtieth anniversary together.
No, I think I would have died a long time before that or gone mad. I have a
tendency to move around, never standing still for too long. I just couldn’t.
I finish my cigarette but I don’t really want
to go in. Thankfully I brought the pack with me along with a lighter. I lit up
another one and feel it comforting my skin from the cold. Winter is done or at
least that’s what all the people in the news say. But t sure doesn’t seem like
it. My ass is freezing and I don’t know what else to do besides smoking like
mad. I let my beer inside… Fuck! Could
have used that. Well, life isn’t perfect at all, shouldn’t I know that. I’m the
man working in his father’s flower shop. I have to say I don’t hate it or
anything but I would have liked to get so much more from life.
I went to school and everything. I mean, back
in high school I was a great football player and not very smart but in college
I discovered I had a thing for numbers and all that. I’m good at that and
that’s why dad asked to work with him. I keep the books in order and thanks to
me his store is working much more efficiently than before. I even caught
someone stealing for him, so I guess I did a great job. But I would have liked
to have my own business, make my own decisions and just be myself in life. But
this happens when you look for a fucking job for three fucking years and no one
even thinks of helping you, giving you a hand. So here I am, thirty-two and
still working for daddy. It pays well so I shouldn’t really but hey, I could
bitch professionally.
I turn around and see him there, sleeping as
if he had just taken a magical potion to sleep like a log. He looks nice
asleep… Not that he doesn’t look nice while awake but you know what I mean. I
don’t really know how I got here, I mean, how it was that I accepted to come.
To be one hundred percent honest, I met him earlier today on one of those apps
for the phone where you get people to fuck with. Yeah, I was that bored. I just
downloaded the thing and in an hour I had gotten lots of messages. Which is
amazing the body I had back in high school has almost completely disappear. But
I guess I have my thing and he noticed it.
He looked nice in his picture, cute smile,
nice guy he seemed. So he asked to come to his house in the middle of the night
and here I am. The sex was great and he turned out to be a great guy, very nice
and well mannered. But that didn’t stop me from coming out to this freezing
balcony to smoke y heart out. It’s maybe because I don’t really like this kind
of situations. It annoys me that I have to use those apps and shit to get to
know someone to fuck. I mean, it makes it easier but one wonders if it’s all
because of me or because he was horny or what.
Down in the street the elderly couple has just
come out of the store. They are holding hands and each one of them is carrying
a brown paper bag with what I guess is bread inside. They walk closely
together, maybe because they’re cold or maybe because of the love they feel for
each other. Either way, they look perfect, happy and just beaming. They
disappear after I follow them with my look for a couple of blocks. No one else
is really out there except some of those idiots in bicycles and some others
obviously heading to the gym or some shit at this time of day. My only
obsession is smoking and maybe a beer or two but that cult on the body, I never
got it.
I hear my cellphone’s voice mail ringtone. It
only lasts for a couple of seconds but I instantly worry it will awake the guy.
But no, he doesn’t even move. I open the sliding door carefully, walk slowly to
my pants and take out my cellphone from one of the pockets. And come out again,
closing the door behind me. As I take another puff, I realize it was my ex who
just left me a message. He’s drunk and says I fucked him up or something. He
says I was great always but that I drove him insane. In the background I can
hear very loud music. The message ends suddenly. I check it again but hear
nothing out of the ordinary so I put my cellphone in the jacket.
He has already done that, a couple of times
after we broke up. It had to be said that it happened like four months ago and
he still doesn’t get over it. And he should. Not only because it’s bad for him
to hold that inside for so long but because he seems to forget he was the one
that send our relationship to hell. I mean, that’s what normally happens when
you want to surprise your guy with a nice present that you bought him in a nice
little flea market downtown and you just find him in his house fucking another
guy. Yeah, that’s what happened. Once I entered with the keys he had given me,
I realized there was something wrong but you know people, we always want what
we know to be a lie. But it wasn’t. He was fucking that guy hard.
I’m not the kind, soft type. I opened up that
door with a fucking kick and took pictures. Yeah, I did. I was driven insane
and just wanted to fucking destroy him. He begged me not to show those to
anyone and then I knew what was really important to him. I didn’t even look at
the guy he was fucking, who just jumped like a rabbit and into the bathroom; maybe
scared I would kick him in the balls. I wanted to. Fuck, I really did but I
knew I could get into trouble if I did that. So I just took the present, my
cellphone and what was left of my dignity and walked away.
That ended up the relationship. Again, I’m not
one of those stupid people that talks and decides and all that shit. For me,
that was it. So I never saw him again. No accepting calls or messages or
presents from him. Nothing. And yet, he still calls when drunk and has the
nerve to blame me for him fucking another guy. I have to be clear on this: I
don’t give a shit if he had a reason to go and fuck around. He felt neglected
or needy or whatever? Cool, he could have told so to me and just have a healthy
breakup or talk about it or whatever. But no, he took the whore’s road and here
we are.
I don’t even hate him. I stopped feeling
anything for him at that moment. Yeah, I guess I cried a bit but I got over it.
Again, it was a short-lived relationship and I never expected it to last for
too long. But it hurts more when it that person who disappoints you. Because I
can see me disappointing anyone and I have. But never like that and never
before taking time to sit down and talk about what’s happening. It may seem
cruel but I always tell them “You’re not my type”, “This isn’t working” and so
on. I cut the shit and say the truth because I believe we all deserve that.
So I guess that’s what makes me uncomfortable
about this whole sex app thing. I mean, it’s great that we just cut to the
chase and we know what we’re there for but maybe it’s too blunt, to direct. I
would love to be able to charm someone into having sex with me and not just
ask. Fuck, maybe I’m a romantic that way but doesn’t it fell better when people
are attracted to you as a person and not just because you are another horny guy
in their area or something? People nowadays seem to just be fucking around but
not really caring about anything else and that kind of bothers me. But I guess
that’s the way it is and who am I to say anything? Any way, this might be my
only time in this so, who cares.
Then, I feel two warm hands holding my waist
and lips kissing my right cheek. We share a kiss and a hug and then we go back
inside. I spoon him until he falls asleep and just before I do that myself; I
realize things are as I want them to be. So I’ll smell his hair and enjoy his
smile and just see where I can take this later today.
