I have found myself without words, without a
real need to speak out, to talk to anyone. I find every person to be utterly
dull, to be devoid of anything really interesting to say, of anything that
means something to me. Granted, it is my fault and my perception. I cannot
explain why it happens and exactly how, but I realize it is something that is
part of me and I cannot shake it off and continue my path through this world.
Is not as simple as many people things. Demons are stronger, always.
That does not mean they win every single time.
It means the battles are always hard, filled with blood and sweat. And you will
lose some of them, hopefully the ones that don’t really matter. If you lose,
you learn. And that’s always good but not really. Because when you learn you
have to have a good brain inside your skull. If you don’t, well, learning all
you want won’t change a thing. You will always have a narrow-minded view of the
world and that may not be the best in your life.
I have learned a lot of things, I believe,
both useful and useless. I know the names of all countries in the world and
their capital cities but I have no idea how to use numbers beyond the most
essential calculations. I know some things, here and there, about some of the
world’s personalities, about animals and things all over the cosmos. But I have
no idea what love is or what responsibility means for most of the people. I
don’t even know if I want to know, but it’s clearly frowned upon.
Not talking in a world that yells at you every
single second of the day could even be dangerous. How to counter all of that
crap that enters your ears and body? By talking, by having opinions and
thinking. I do all that except the talking because I have found myself noticing
there’s no one there to actually listen. And talking is only worth something
when someone is listening and maybe they change their views on a subject
because of what you said. That’s not happening to me.
Granted, I’m not saying every single thing I
say is worth something, anything for that matter. But I have realized that, as
humans, we do need to be listened and for people to care, in any way possible.
We need to feel we matter, that the world would be different if we suddenly
disappeared. Sadly enough, the world wouldn’t really change if I died now, only
a small fraction of it and only for a small amount of time. That’s not drama
but a reality and the truth is not always something we want to listen to. But
truth does not care about us, only about what is.
Yet, I may be too much of a drama queen. Maybe
every single thing that I’m thinking and writing right now is just in my mind.
Maybe I’m worth much more than I feel to, maybe the world would change if I
died right this moment. But something in me does not think so. Something inside
of me, in my heart or brain or lungs, is trying to tell me that I’m hollow and
that I simply don’t matter. Because another truth is that we don’t all matter
and we’re just too afraid to realize that.
So many billions of humans have lived, many
more are alive right now and others are being born right now and in the future.
Of all that cluster of human souls, only some of them really matter in some
way. Maybe they discovered something or they made feel people good. It is
possible they fought wars or their love, branded by words, transcended the
borders of speech and time and truth. But those people are such a small group
in such a vast amount of people. Just people.
Yes, we all matter to someone, in a way. We
all have parents and sisters and brothers and more family. Many have daughters
and sons, lovers and pets. There’s always someone that remembers you. However,
that may not be enough to some of us, especially when life has decided to make
your life different, to make you the one to go through a path that not many
people travel. And you don’t feel honored at all because it pisses you off how
you feel like a gamble.
I don’t speak that much because I hate my
life. I don’t hate the people in it, because they have done their best. That’s
another truth. But I do fucking hate that I have learned so much and really
know so little. I hate that this world doesn’t seem to have a place for me.
Each second that passes the air around me seems to be getting thinner and
thinner. In some ways, I feel like an astronaut that has started drifting away
from the spaceship and only has a limit amount of time left.
I hear the clock ticking and ticking, passing
too fast. Because people think there’s torture when time goes slow but that’s
not the real nightmare. It is much worse when hours and minutes and days and
years pass in the blink of an eye and you feel you’re still in the exact same
place, as everyone else moved around and achieved so much. And you, me in this
case, are drifting away more and more. Alarms make sounds all around you but
there’s nothing really you can do besides waiting. You try to reach, to live,
but life doesn’t really want you anymore.
That’s how it feels. It feels as if you’re
drowning slowly and no one should live through that. Not physically or figuratively.
We don’t deserve to be killed in the slowest of fashions, as the world looks at
us and judges us for not being brave enough to do things that we have no idea
how to do. This world is wild, is a rabid animal that has to be tamed. It’s
just a savage beast that wants more and more and more and we cannot all comply
with its wishes. Maybe we’re too weak.
That’s a factor, I guess. We might be too weak
for this life or, at least, for the way we handle ourselves and everything
around us. I find myself to weak write anything more right now. Every single
thing takes a toll on our heads and it’s just too difficult to try to handle
everything at the same time. It’s too hard and we’re not the same people that
before, year ago. Those rugged men and women are not here anymore, maybe in
some places thought. Most of us surrendered to our feelings.
I just wanted you to think a little bit about
the state of your mind, about how you really feel and how you live. Reality is
a bitch but it’s the one we have to live in for the time we remain on this
planet.
If you can, help someone else live through this.
If you can, help me.
