Unexpected

 He was very nervous. Samuel gave him a cigarette and told him to go smoke it outside, by the bushes that covered a large part of the house. As they filmed inside with another guy, he was smoking, his hands shaking and even his lips turning a very bright pink. He had been chosen just of the street, after one of the producers had just loved the way he looked. He wasn’t a very hipster boy or anything like that, he was just naturally beautiful and that was something they really needed in their movies.

 There was a market for those who liked guys like him, the kind that looks very young but that’s old enough to sign a contract and win a decent amount of money for working in the adult industry. Of course, there was always the problem of him never having done anything like that. The producer had told him it was something very safe and very private or at least as private as it could be when the video could be seen by, at least, a million people online. The point was that it was a very lucrative business.

 And the guy needed it. His name was Phillip and he had no money to go to college. He lived with his single mom and a little sister. She was being sent to public school, so her mom had no money worries there. But she just couldn’t do anything for her son. Her advice for him was to just get a job and start making money, in order to avoid giving his future family a life like that one. He was saddened by those words but, at the same time, it was funny that his mom had no idea he had no interest in women or families.

 He accepted the offer by calling the producer the night he talked with his mother. They agreed to do a screen test, with a video camera and taking some pictures. For him, that was no problem. He just did what they asked from him and, not surprisingly, he was all that they could wish for in a guy and maybe even more. He looked exactly like what their audience was asking for. He was very flattered when they told him this, not really understanding the whole dimension of the matter. The important thing was he was going to get paid.

 However, the morning of the first shooting he realized that, although he had sexual experience, he had never done it in front of so many people. There was a camera guy and his assistant, a makeup person, the sound guys, the director, a producer and, of course, the other guy that would be having sex with him. It was al a bit overwhelming when he first saw it all and that’s when Samuel the sound guy gave him a cigarette and told him to go outside and chill for a bit. It was a good advice. Phillip tried to calm down but he wasn’t fully calmed when he was called inside, in order to begin.

 To his surprise, he had neglected to realize he was going to have sex with only one person. So when they started touching and kissing, the others just seemed to disappear. Of course, every now and then, they would say some direction or tell them to move in a certain way. It would break the moment for a bit, but he would go on doing what they were paying him to do. When it was all done, everyone congratulated the pair. The director looked very happy and the producer told Phillip he could be the next big star.

 He got paid right then and there and took the bus straight home to go and stash the bills inside a can he had in his room. He would have loved to tell his mother he was going to make good money, but he realized he had to lie first. He just couldn’t tell her what he was actually doing. Not because it was bad or wrong, his mother was not that kind of person. He just didn’t have any intention to tell her that he was gay. It didn’t seem like the right time to do it. So he had to come up with something else to cover for it.

 Phillip announced her, the next day that he was going to work in a comic book store. He said it was one of those big stores in the fancy side of town, where many men would pay hundreds of dollars for a vintage version of their favorite comic book. She was very surprised but pleased and, as expected, she didn’t ask anything else. Not how he had gotten the job or when or how much did it pay. She was just happy to know her son could take care of himself. Besides, he knew that once he made more money, he would try to help her a bit with it, by buying groceries or paying some of the home bills.

 Time passed and the producers came through with their promises. Some weeks, Phillip had to go and perform for at least four movies. Some were done for the same production company and others would be done by foreign people that would pay to have Phillip in one of their pictures. At the beginning, he was only portrayed as a young innocent boy. But he eventually got into more specific genres within the industry. Of course, nothing too violent or dangerous. He was a pretty boy but not a stupid one.

 More than once, some man somewhere would try to touch him without permission or do crude jokes about him in front of him. At first he tried to just shrug it off, but once he realized he had some weight in the conversations, he started to talk back to people and to let them know exactly what the rules were. One thing was the performances he gave and another, very different, was his intent to be with someone, if there was any intent at all. This made him lose a few jobs but it made others fall in love with him and inviting him to do more work and even a few side things.

 He would do silly videos with some of his costars, in order to raise money for different things, or he would model clothes and accessories for many brands catering to the gay community. The moment he felt he had made it, in some way, was when they asked him to go to the other side of the country to promote some of his movies and also some of the clothes that he had been modeling for. He would make a ton of money doing that and he would also gain much needed exposure that was never a bad thing for anyone.

 His mother thought he was going on a trip to buy rare vintage comic books for the store. It was around then when he felt she knew something, maybe not the whole picture but maybe parts of it. She looked at him differently and would seem to be careful with her words when she spoke to him. He would have liked to ask her what was going on but it would be pushing a little bit too much and it wasn’t worth it, not in that moment that seem to be going so good for her. That part of his personal life could wait.

 However, life never really agrees with anyone. She just takes her own course. On his trip, he met a photographer for a new brand that wanted him as a model. He posed for him and talked a lot during the photo-shoot and at an event where they ran into each other. He realized he really liked that guy, and the guy seemed to really care about him, beyond the pornography and the pictures. Luckily, he too lived on the other side of the country, so they even went back together, talking and talking during the five-hour flight.

 It was about three months into them dating, when Phillips mother told him he was proud of him, no matter what he did. He was confused by that and had no idea what to say. She then grabbed her tablet and showed him an advertisement she had seen online for men’s underwear. It was him. She told him she investigated a little bit more and realized what other business he was working in. Before he could say a word, she assured him it was all fine, because he wasn’t doing anything wrong. It was just different.

 Weeks later, Phillip introduced her to Jonathan, the photographer he had been dating for a while. He really hit it off with her and with his little sister. They would even go to the movies or the park, enjoying the weekends together as a big family. It was a very strange feeling but a good one.

 Phillip kept doing his jobs. Eventually, he moved on more into the modeling aspect of the whole thing, but still loving to work for some brands that let him get in touch with that side of him that gave him a chance in life. It was strange, but he owed it all to pornography. Who would have thought?

Onsen

   It felt very nice to be there. Outside, snow had begun to fall heavily but it was still possible to see the river slowly moving through the canyon, steam coming up from it. Plant life had been entirely covered by white and silence had fallen too from the sky, making the scene all the most bizarre and beautiful. The hotel overlooking the canyon was in the perfect place to be able to offer magnificent views of the whole natural spectacle, as well as a bird’s eye view of the little town that lay only a few kilometers ahead.

 I was looking at all of this from a private room where a Jacuzzi occupied most of the room. It was actually called an “onsen” and it was basically a hot tub filled with natural water coming from inside the mountain. It was heated by the amazing volcanic system of the islands and many people say that it has great properties that help everything from the skin to the innermost organs of the body, as well as the mind. They are normally located in big rooms, to share with others. But they have individual rooms here.

 The wind blew outside and it could be felt easily inside, as there was no glass around the room, no windows at all. Only a roof and that was it. Some of the snow was even falling inside the hot water and it was a beautiful thing to see. I walked closer and attempted to get into the bath as fast as I could, but the water was much too hot and it was better if I did it slowly, in order not to shock my body with the temperature change. After all, it was freezing outside and it wouldn’t be smart to just jump in a boiling hot tub.

 As I sat down, the sound of a bird flying in the distance made me turn my head, again, towards the outside. I saw it passing near some trees on the other side of the river. It was probably some kind of hawk or eagle. The sound reminded me of many of those animal shows I had seen all my life, where biologist and ornithologists chase after a very uncommon species of bird, normally a big one like an eagle or even a vulture. Of course, those did not live nearby but it was fun to think about something else for a change.

 I had travelled all the way to Japan only to escape my life, in a sense. It wasn’t as if everything was horrible or anything like that. I had a nice paying job and a tiny place for myself that I could afford.  I could buy whatever I wanted in the supermarket and have some drinks whenever I felt like it. Nevertheless, I had been feeling strange for a while, like I wasn’t supposed to be living what I was living. I suddenly felt bored at work, when in the past I had always loved what I did and had studied. It was such a sudden change that I didn’t know what to think or do. So I just booked a ticket and flew away.

 Japan had not been a casual choice. I had wanted to visit the country for a long while and the moment seemed perfect. I had enough savings to be there for at least a week, so money was not really a problem. I just told people at work that I was leaving and left. I couldn’t care less about the problems that I would be causing by leaving so suddenly, but the thing was I needed to take care of myself for a while and that was more important than a job I knew was not for me anymore. It had become something like a cage.

 I had been in Japan for two days and decided to get away from the city and visit a nice little town, far away from the craziness of people. Of course, I’m not adventurous enough to camp in the middle of nowhere, so I decided to stay for a couple of nights in that small and cozy hotel high in the mountains. It was fun because I didn’t speak any Japanese and they spoke no English but we managed to communicate when we needed to. People were always kind and respectful; they left room for my thoughts.

 It was not as if I had done something awful like betray someone or steal from the company I worked for. I was just lost in my own life, fed up with what I had been doing for a while. I actively wanted to change it all up, to evolve into someone else. I know people don’t really change at all but I did really want to know if I could be something else or if what I had gotten up to that point in my life was everything I could ever aspire to. Sometimes thinking about all of it made me a little bit dizzy and annoyed.

 The “onsen” was a great idea because I had always liked the idea of being naked. I was naked at home for the weekends and the moment I arrived from worked I just stripped and lay down in my sofa to watch movies or a TV series. I had always been comfortable with that. So the idea of bathing at the same time a beautiful natural scene was taking place outside, was just too good to pass. So I had come in a bathrobe from my room and put my legs in the water first, slowly getting used to the very hot temperature of the water.

 Slowly, I practically glided into the water and discovered it felt amazingly comfortable. Yeah, it was very hot and I was sweating at the same time I was in the water, which was very weird. But it was very nice. I found a nice place to sit down and enjoy the view. The eagle or hawk flew again, this time closer, and I followed its flight for a while until I couldn’t see it anymore. And then I realized that it was the first time in a long time that I felt at ease, relaxed. I had missed that because at work it was all about moving around and doing stuff every single second. But that was not the case up there.

 I actually felt I could breathe. Then, I realized I couldn’t actually breathe. I remembered the old man in the front desk trying to explain something about the temperature of the water. I think he meant it wasn’t great to stay in the water for a long time if I wasn’t used to, so I practically jumped out and stood there, close, for a while, dripping water and looking outside. There was something so magical about that forest and the river and everything that you just couldn’t pull your eyes away from it. It was amazing.

 Suddenly, I realized that I was feeling too bad for myself. Again, my life was not a mess. I wasn’t dying or needing money. My family was close and I didn’t have many friends but the few of them that stayed around were very nice and we could spend a nice amount of time talking to each other. And I had sex. Casual sex to be fair but it was usually great sex that I enjoyed and, apparently, the other person always enjoyed too. So why was I feeling so strange, so lost in such a great life? What was it? What was happening?

 I needed another soak in steamy water to realize it. As skin felt the warmth of the water, from my toes to my collarbone, I saw in my mind an idea. It was an image, like a scene from a movie or something. And in that scene, I was doing something else with my life. I was actually doing something that made me happy. I even felt it! At first, I thought it was the hot water but then it was clear I was feeling happiness feeling my from the inside, like something expanding inside of me. It felt beautiful and I wanted that.

 So the choices to make were simple: I would do whatever made me happy. Really happy and not only happy because I feel it’s the right thing to do or because I feel that’s what I should be doing. I was going to step up and just find out what would make me feel whole, like a person that has reached the top of life’s pyramid. Japan had taught me that keeping it simply was the key, so I just applied that to every single aspect of my life, the moment I came back home and had to make those choices happen.

 I quit my job and started working as a teacher for a while. I had always enjoyed doing it but, for some reason, I had distanced myself from it. Besides, I could make money to study at the same time, to do some workshops and find out new interests for me in this new life I’m still trying to build.

 The casual sex is still happening but I’ve discovered new ways to make it even better and it often involves a hot tub. Weird. As for the rest of my life, it’s still the same as before. I didn’t need to make everything different. Only the parts that were failing me, that had become someone else and not me. The real me.

His scent

   I loved to be the one hugging him, tightly, beneath the covers when it was raining outside or above them, naked, during the summer. Waking up was always one of the best parts of my day because I would notice his scent so very close to me. It didn’t matter how much we had moved during our sleep, it was always a please to feel him close to me. And I think, even if I would never dare to speak on his behalf, that he thought exactly the same thing. I think he loved me back, maybe even more.

 During the week, we would wake up at the same, even if the other had nothing to do that day. Sometimes it was me who kissed him before leaving for work, some other days it was me staying there, organizing my space and feeding the dog we had adopted together. Its name was Bumper, because he loved to bump into everything. Maybe the thing was that our dog was not very brilliant but we loved to imagine he had some traits of both of us. Maybe he was clumsy like me and distracted like him.

 Our favorite days, or at least mine, were Saturdays and Sundays. We would wake up earlier and I would make love to him for the longest time. I loved to explore his body slowly, even to the point that I would turn off my cellphone in order not to be interrupted from that beautiful task. I got to know every single centimeter of his body and I was proud to know every single corner of him. After a mutual orgasm, we would stay silent and then talk about our lives, fun little snippets every day.

 That’s how I think I know him. I think feeling his heart while sleeping, his breathing while we made love and his warmth when we kissed goodbye, it all made me understand him and really know who he was and what he wanted out of life. It didn’t take a long time for us to hold hands in public after we had decided to properly date each other. Same happened with our “sudden” decision to live together. We just knew we had to, it was meant to be and only we could understand the feeling.

 So, it’s pretty understandable that the worst day of my life was the one when a policeman, a man with a stupid face, came to our home and told me they had found him, the love of my life, dead on the street. It happened one night, when he was coming from work during one of those horrible thunderstorms that are becoming more and more common in these parts. According to the policeman, he had been assaulted by a group of men. They had taken his money, his belongings and had then proceeded to kick him and punch him until one of them decided to pull out a gun.

 My first question was simple: “Where is he?” The idiot policeman repeated that he was dead and I didn’t ask again. He offered to take me to the police station, so I grabbed a jacket and went along. It was so very late; I was already in my pajamas. It was very awkward, but I started crying in the police car, en route to my lover. I couldn’t stop crying for a second, only when I had to step out of the car in order to enter the police station. He never asked me if I was fine or needed something.

 The doctor running the morgue was a woman and I was thankful for that. She seemed to care for every single one of those corpses, of those dead people that for some reason were there, lying on their back inside a gigantic freezer. I started shaking the moment I entered the room and I lost any attempt to seem calm when she unveiled his body to me. He was naked, of course, and very white and blue. It’s a silly thing, but the first thing I thought was the fact that he hated both those colors.

 I took one of his hands and caressed it; I kissed his cheek and his forehead and held on to him. I could hear the dumbass policeman asking me if that was my “partner” but I didn’t care at all. I wanted to stay there forever, whit him, even if I had to die too. The doctor was very silent and it was obvious she would have preferred for me not to touch her patient but I couldn’t stop holding on to him. If I had let go, he would have died forever and I just couldn’t afford that to happen.

 However, all the crying and the memories and the deep pain got to me. I had been waiting for him to come with food, so my stomach was empty. The doctor, hours later, told me that could have been one of the reasons for me to faint right there on the morgue. They carried me to the police station’s infirmary and gave me some ramen soup, the kind you can make in the microwave. I ate that hot cup in silence, still crying. A massive headache began to brew.

 His family came in some hours later, after I had signed every single paper that had to be signed. Between those, I had to ask a friend to go to my house and bring me our marriage certificate, which only a few people knew about. It was hard for me to tell his family that we had been married for a couple of months and that it had been his decision not to tell them because he wanted it all to be a big reveal. He was planning it all as if it was the marriage of two famous people. And know, it had been me telling them all of it, with his cold body not too far away.

 They were shocked to hear it all, of course, but I honestly think I was the most affected by the tragedy. I kissed him several times once more, before I had to leave in order to go home. They promised they would arrange it all for his body to be prepared for whatever I would decide to do. I took the doctor to the side, and told her we had talked about being cremated together in a huge pyre, holding hands. She gave me a nice smile and told me to get back to her the next day.

 Sure enough, they sent his body to a cemetery where he would be cremated and given to me. I called his family to tell them all about it and they didn’t say much about it all. They seemed to be still in quite a shock. They did show up to the place and we even held each other for a moment, in silence. We saw his coffin, a very modest one; enter the oven and the metal door close afterwards. Tears rolled down my face but I didn’t cried loudly like before, I was under too much pain to do that again.

 They gave me his ashes and the doctor was there to pay her respects. I hugged her tight and cried some more. She offered to take me home and I accepted. His family didn’t say another word to me, even when I saw them looking at the urn with his ashes when they were handed to me. I wanted to make peace; I wanted them to understand what we had together. But it was too little too late, so I just went home with the doctor. She kindly stayed for a while but I have to say it was better when she left.

 That’s because I spoke to him for a while, as frankly as we had always been when he was alive. I told him he was the best thing to ever happen in my life and that I was proud that I got to meet such a wonderful person in such a shitty world. I thanked him for being my lover and husband, for making me enjoy life and people even more and for always been there for me. I hoped him the best for his afterlife, if there was one. If there wasn’t, I wanted him to know I would always be his.

 Another storm was brewing when I opened my bedroom window. The wind was beginning to howl. One strong current was enough to take the love of my life away from me. I saw him float away and then disappeared into the dark clouds floating not so far away.

 I left the urn right there and then dropped on the bed. His smell was still there. I closed my eyes to feel him one more time and it did work. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever felt. However, when I opened my eyes everything was real and raw. He wasn’t there anymore.