As we headed to the station, to take that
small train that goes around every terminal, I decided to take his hand in
mine. Normally I would never do that but I decided this was the best moment to
do it. It was time not to mind anymore about who was watching or if they had
things to say. All the hate in the world could fall on me but I didn’t care
because I understood what he was going through. He needed much more than just
my hand in his, but I was happy to feel he took and squeezed it a bit, as if
telling me “Thanks, I needed this”.
We hadn’t spoken in several hours and I
decided I didn’t wanted to be the one to talk first. For me, it was a decision
he had to make because it was him who needed this time to reflect and think
about many things. Well, that was my guess anyway because I couldn’t be inside
his head. I did wonder though, about his thoughts and his secrets. But all of
that was his to have and not for me to know. I respect a person’s life, and a
life always has secrets and things you rarely share with anyone.
The train station was a bit crowded and, oddly
enough, most other passengers were foreigners, just like us. We were in San
Francisco international airport and in our train there wasn’t a single
Californian. We sat down, put our bad in front of us and felt the pull of the
train beneath us, moving slowly towards the next terminal. I noticed my eyes
were closing a bit, rocked by the movement of the train. The flight had been
very long and we still had another one to go. I had never travelled so far
before and felt a bit guilty, as I hadn’t paid for one dime. It had been all
him.
He squeezed my hand again and I turned towards
him. His eyes looked sad but they felt stronger than before. He looked at me as
if wanting to tell me something but there was no need. I proceeded to lay my
head on his shoulder and he did kind of the same. I closed my eyes but I
couldn’t really sleep. I just felt closer to him now and didn’t want that
moment to end. But the train, after two other stops, finally arrived to the
terminal we needed to be in.
When we stepped out, we walked slowly towards
some escalators and eventually to a commercial area. We passed a coffee shop
and I asked him if he wanted to grab a bite. He didn’t say anything, just
nodded as he yawned from exhaustion. As we wouldn’t let go, he joined me in the
queue. We bought two big sandwiches each with cappuccinos and a big muffin to
share. After we paid we found a little table a bit separated from the rest of
the people and sat there. Our baggage was there too, with the few things we had
been able to bring for such a short trip. We started eating in silence,
watching people go by.
We let go for a few seconds, to take our coats
off, but he grabbed my hand again as he ate his sandwich. He ate it a bit too
fast, he was hungry and he hadn’t told me. I wanted to ask him why he hadn’t
told me he was hungry if maybe his stomach hurt or something. I was growing
very mad for a moment out of such a silly thing and even my hands began to
sweat so he noticed I was going through something. He looked at me and I saw
his watery eyes looking at me. I had never thought they were as beautiful as
they were in that moment and I felt bad for that.
I at my sandwich as he drank his cappuccino,
drying his eyes with a thick napkin they had given us. I saw he wasn’t feeling
good, I saw he was still broken and I hated him for not talking to me. I felt
so far from him and I didn’t understood what I was doing there, why he had
brought me there if he wasn’t going to tell me anything. I had had it with all
the silences and considerations. I didn’t wanted to wonder anymore about what
he was thinking or what he wanted to say.
Suddenly, he stood up and left. When he was
two steps away I thought I heard the word “bathroom”. He had used his voice
once only to tell me such a stupid thing? I almost made my cappuccino cup make
a flip in its own plate but luckily my fist landed in the right place. People
looked at me anyway and I just covered my face and lowered it to finish my
sandwich and the cappuccino. I took the muffin and took a bit chunk of it with
my teeth. The sweetness of the chocolate helped my spirit feel a little bit
better.
When he came back, I noticed he had been
crying but I didn’t say a word. I only gave him his half of the muffin but he
didn’t grab it so I ate it. I wasn’t going to waste a good muffin just because
he wouldn’t talk to me. We took the baggage and started walking around the
terminal, trying to make time for the next flight. I checked our gate on a
screen and he stood up behind me, not even looking at the screen but at the
airplanes on the tarmac. I hate to see him do that because I felt I just
couldn’t leave him, ever.
We got to our gate and sat down by the counter
in order to be ready when they called us for boarding, which would began in a
matter of two hours. I wanted to fall asleep or at least feel I wanted to be
asleep but that time had passed. Maybe it was the coffee or the fact we had
eaten something, by I couldn’t fall asleep.
Then I felt his hand grabbing mine and, of
course, I didn’t push him away. Because I wanted to feel his hand and smell his
scent and taste his lips. But I didn’t now when I should go for a kiss, a hug
or a conversation. I felt lost and kind of in a disadvantage. After all, we had
just arrived from his mother’s funeral.
He squeezed my hand and also stroke it and I
just had to look at him. But he wasn’t looking at me but, again, at the planes
outside. I squeezed his fingers softly and he did look at me at then he came
close and kissed me. His face felt a bit cold, his lips a bit dry, but I knew
those were the kisses I had learned to love although covered in a veil of
sadness I had to understand. He let go of my hand and put his hand on my face
and just keep kissing me. We stopped after a few seconds, smiling.
Our hands stayed together as people arrived.
The plane was going to be full, that was certain. He kept looking to the planes
and then he started watching his watch. He was clearly anxious to get back home
or maybe worried he had to go back in a plane. He wasn’t that friendly with
them. Finally, the boarding process began and some minutes later we were
already inside the plane, sitting side my side with and old lady as our
neighbor. She was the first person to speak to him and he responded.
Hearing his voice was the best thing for me. I
loved it so much it filled me with joy, tumbling down all the feelings that had
gone through my body earlier. I smile at
the lady who told me I had a very charming husband. Of course, I didn’t correct
her but my blushed cheeks should have been enough to tell anyone she wasn’t
exactly right. As a matter of fact, we had been boyfriends for a bit more than
a year. That’s why I felt so strange doing all of this, the trip and meeting
the family and all that.
I mean, I had met them earlier, his mom too.
Bu that situation was like getting to know them all again, especially his
father who was obviously different now. He interrupted my thoughts by
whispering in my ear: “Would you like to?”
He caught me completely unprepared. I started
to sweat again, my heart racing as the plane separated from the terminal and
made its way to the runway. He grabbed my hand and from his pocket took out a
small box. I started coughing right there. He knew I did that when nervous
because he just opened it to reveal a very simple but beautiful ring. He took
it out from the box and took my hand. Now, he asked me in a normal voice,
making some heads turn.
- Would you marry me?
I
felt all of them watching me, even if there were maybe only three people paying
attention. In my mind, I revisited the funeral and what had happened earlier
and the day we met and how we shared our lives and then, I remembered him
watching the planes. I remembered that feeling I had when saw him standing
there, his back towards me, looking at the tarmac.
I knew his body and his way of dealing with
things. I knew how he ate, how he peed, how he showered, what his favorite
curse word was and how high he could jump. I knew I like his hugs and his voice.
He had said to me he liked my body and my eyes and my mind. I also knew there
were things he didn’t know about me and I didn’t know about him. There were secrets
and thought that were private. So many feelings.
- Yes. Yes, I will.
