After it happened, I went right
into the bathroom and pretended I was doing what people do in a bathroom. Of
course, I had closed the door properly and, after a few minutes, I turned the
faucet on to make water run and make them think I was washing my hands. But the
truth was that I wasn’t doing any of that. I was staring at myself in the
mirror, looking at a person that I knew but not really that well. I got closer
to the glass and really tried to get in there, I really tried to see if there
was a human behind those eyes. Maybe the one I thought I knew or maybe another,
a new person that I had to get to know better.
But no, it was me. It was me
there, naked on a bathroom in which I had never been in. I decided right there
that I wanted to leave but, after what was happening in there, I had no idea if
anyone was going to let me leave. To be fair, they both looked like decent
people, not the kind that put a lock on the door and then do something unspeakable.
No, they really seemed like any other people or at least like any others that liked
what they had started doing after a lot of drinks. But I did want to leave so
that had to be my priority. In this day and age, I couldn’t just do as they
pleased and forget myself in seconds.
However, that was exactly what I
did. I tried to forget myself for a while, trying to pretend I was some other
person or that I was in some other place. It worked for short periods of time
but then I had an interruption from reality and I had to start over again. But
that had been a very good idea because, not much long after my escape to the
bathroom, everything finished and we found ourselves catching our breaths. It
was then I stepped out of that place, after arranging myself properly that is
and checking that I had all my belongings on me. I know very well how rude that
was of me, but there was no other way.
As I walked towards the bus stop, I tried to convince myself that was
the best thing to do. After all, I didn’t even know them. I hardly knew their
names and not so much more about them. I did not know what they did for a living
and had no idea of the dog’s name, the one that had been sleeping in his little
bed for all the time I had been in there. I didn’t get to ask how was it
possible that they could afford such a nice place in such an expensive
neighborhood, being only two people with, as far as I knew, fairly common
incomes. But none of that was ever mention at any moment, as alcohol had played
too much a role.
I sat down at the bus stop. The
place was lonely and freezing. Luckily, the next bus would pass in just a few
minutes and I would be home in a rather short time, or so I hoped because of
the late hour. When the bus got there, I noticed there were very few people in
it at that time and the only ones there were all alone, not talking to anyone
or having any kind of interaction. Somehow, I felt I belonged there at that
moment, in that exact place in the world.
When I got home, I checked my
cellphone as I took off my clothes off for a second time that night. They had
written me that they had loved their evening with me and would have loved for
me to stay. I felt strange, wrong somehow. It was all made even weirder by the
fact that the guy that wrote had a picture of their wedding as his profile
picture on the app he used to contact me. It made me feel like an invader, like
someone who wasn’t supposed to be there. And also, it made me feel lonely and
not worthy of anything.
I spent a few minutes in the dark,
sitting on the edge of my bed, only wearing socks and briefs. I wondered about my
life, my shitty little place, my horrible job and my absolute lack of
friendships and real love possibilities. Instead of spending a fun night, which
had been my intention all along, I was feeling horrible. Feelings of loneliness
and sadness invaded my body and it was then when I moved to get under the
covers and tuck myself in tightly in order for the warmth of the fabrics to
make me feel a little less horrible.
However, the mind always works
more when left alone. So, I started thinking about the cute couple that I had
met earlier. They had seen me at the bar, and we started drinking right then,
drinking and drinking a lot. We did that for only a couple of hours and then
they talked about their place and I just said “yes”, without any hesitation or
doubt. I just pushed myself into something I didn’t know about, without measuring
any possibility of danger or any outcomes. They had chosen me as their person for
a while and it was just when I entered their place when I realized what I had
become, at least that night.
I was just a guy. I wasn’t me,
with my personality and all the things that make myself the person that I am.
They weren’t interested in that, so the alcohol collaborated with some part of
my unconscious brain to just hide all that was me and “enjoy” myself that way.
And I did, I cannot pretend I did not feel pleasure or happiness in different
amounts. But it was right before running to the bathroom when I realized they
just wanted a body there to be with them. I was not myself in the sense that
there was no one inside that body, at least not the full me controlling
everything, as it should always be the case.
One has to do what one has to do,
so I did. I made them happy or at least did exactly what they had probably
thought about for a long time. I was the vessel for their imagination, for their
pleasures and fantasies. And that was nice, I guess, but I have to believe
someone, only one person, can also feel something for me and not only for the
me that moves around the world but for the me that lives inside this body, the
me that thinks and hurts and feels insane sometimes. Maybe someone can find a
way to actually love me for who I am.
But I won’t keep my hopes up.
This is life, not a silly movie. There are no real happy endings.
