The beach was almost empty but that did not
matter. I stood there for a long time, looking at the ocean and just thinking
and thinking about everything: my family, what I was doing there, the chances
of meeting someone to fall in love with, job opportunities and so many other
things I can’t even remember. After a while, I sat down on one of the many
steps of the stairs that lead people from the park to the beach and just sat
there for at least an hour. During that time, the climate change from bad to worst
and I could see a storm forming over the ocean, not very far. It looked awful
but I didn’t care. Or maybe I did but wasn’t afraid, I don’t remember which one
it was.
After a long time there, I decided to walk the
few blocks that separated myself from the metro station. And during that time,
maybe ten minutes, I kept thinking about all of that again. At some point,
after validating my ticket in the station, I found myself being bored out of my
mind by my own thoughts. Why was I so melancholic or depressed or whatever it
was? It wasn’t unheard of for me to be like that but it was never that deep,
that strange either. When the train came, I sat down on a chair by the window
and just looked out the window to the darkness outside and the passing
stations.
That weird state almost made me lose my
station but I “woke up” just in the right moment to descend the train and
almost run up the stairs. By then, I just wanted to get home and to my bed. I
walked some more blocks and almost didn’t realize it was already raining and
thunders could be heard in the far distance. But somehow, I didn’t really care.
Normally, I would have been shaken by the sound of thunder but this time it was
as if nothing was happening. The journey in the elevator towards the top floor
seemed eternal but when I got to my door I felt kind of a warmth feeling, maybe
from finally being in a place I called home, where I could be safe and in
peace.
It was an odd thing to think because I could
be safe in many other places but there I was feeling like I just had saved
myself from the apocalypse or something like that. I actually felt relieved to
get off my coat and walk into my room, where my bed seemed to be waiting for my
arrival. I just let my body fall on the bed and I closed my eyes, trying to
avoid thinking about anything. I was successful in my attempt to do so because
I fell asleep quite fast, something I wasn’t usually able to do at that time of
day. I only slept for three hours but it was enough to feel recharged and less
pessimistic and emotional.
It was already night when I sat in the bed and
took off my clothes. The general heating system of the building had been lit up
and the climate had changed to a more cozy one that at the time of my arrival.
I stayed just in briefs for a moment until I realized I lived alone and anyone
looking at my windows would be a person freezing in the outside. I actually
walked towards the window and almost missed the street below as the rain, and
the mist that came with it, had invaded the city, making only things that were
incredibly close visible. I caressed my arms and then walked out to the
kitchen. MY apartment was small: bedroom, living room with kitchen on a side
and a bathroom. But it was more than enough for just me.
I heated up microwave lasagna I had left and,
as it was cooking, I grabbed myself a beer from the refrigerator. I probably
gulped down half of the can’s content before I started eating but I guess that
was because I was dry from three hours of sleep. I had no TV so I took the
lasagna and the beer to my room. There I turned on my laptop and looked for
something fun to watch. I smiled and even laughed while eating so my trick to
get back on the bright side of life worked, as it often did. I thought of those
moments down at the beach, but couldn’t really explain them. I had just stay
there to think and nothing more.
It is true that my life is not the most
exciting one in the world but I thinking so much about it was useless and
pointless. I had a small job that paid badly and I was trying to look for a
better one but for now nothing had come up. Somehow people saw my resume and
said “no” because I have no experience. But how could I have any experience if
I’ve never even been hired, not from the age of eighteen when I started looking
for work. Not my fault in any case but here we are. I had to tell myself that,
eventually, something would come up and I could be improving my life in that
aspect. I didn’t want to be dependent from my parents forever.
I love them and I missed them. For a moment
there, eating lasagna, drinking beer and watching a silly show online, I was
reminded of them again and this time a couple of tears went down my cheeks, one
on each side. I really missed them a lot and there where not near, not near at
all. They lived across the ocean and we hadn’t been able to talk for a few days
because of damage to their Internet network or something. It had been painful
because every couple of days I chatted with them put the camera on and tell
them about my day and they would tell me about theirs and so one. Maybe that
was to blame for how I felt but maybe it was just a part of a bigger thing.
I finished my lasagna and my beer so I went to
the kitchen to throw it all to the garbage bin and to take another beer from
the refrigerator. I took two steps away from the kitchen but turned back and
took another beer can because I knew I wanted to be at least a little drunk to
sleep. After many years of getting to know myself, I realized that when I was
drunk I never had awful nightmares, not even nice little dreams filled with
hope and joy. I just didn’t have any or didn’t remember. Whatever it was, it
was fine with me and hat was what I needed on that rainy day: to stop thinking
and just sleep. I opened of the cans and started drinking when I heard a silly
music playing. When it stopped, I realized it was my cellphone.
I looked for it in my pants, which had been
lying on the floor, and checked the missed calls list. Shit… To add more fun to
the party that was that day, my ex-boyfriend had called, probably because I
always forgot about that stupid watch he had once left in my house and now he
tormented me with it. When we broke up, I took everything that was his from my
apartment and just left it in his doorstep, without even ringing at his door to
say “Hi” or anything of the sort. I just wanted to get it over with and move
one. But apparently I had missed that stupid watch, which was able to avoid my
cleaning by being stuck behind one of my bed’s “legs”. Now I had it but I had
no urge to give it to him. If he wanted, and I had already told him this, he
had to come for it.
You would think that a person that you find
having sex with someone else would be at least a little bit ashamed of he’s
behavior but no, he wasn’t like that. He didn’t care at all about those
“little” things and was just obsessed about that ugly watch. I had never been
very lucky with men but that time I really missed it by a long shot. He was a
handsome guy, true, but that should have alerted me. He was too close to the ideal
men, in body at least, and those kind of men had never even been close to me so
there was my red flag and I didn’t even care to see it.
Anyway, I still thought about it. Not about
him because I realized I had never really cared about him as a person, nor as a
lover to be honest. But we had a good thing going on about how we spent time
together and that was something very nice to have. But those six months were
over and now I was in my briefs drinking beer and watching cartoons. Of course,
I still wanted to find a person to actually care for, someone I could hug and
kiss whenever I wanted and for that person to want to do that with me too, someone
to comfort me in a day like that one and for me to hug tight whenever he felt
weird or sad. But who knows if that will ever come my way.
I think it’s better not to torture oneself
with what could have been. That’s one more of those useless things. I decided
to stop think and just drank the third can of beer like a professional, almost
without breathing and just gulping it down as if my life depended on it. I
turned off all the lights and just looked to the window, where the rain was
still falling heavy on the street and all over the city. It was a nice thought
to think that many people near me and maybe further away were having a similar
moment, just looking out through the window before falling asleep. It was
comforting somehow.
I closed my eyes and, before I fell asleep for
another eight hours, I thought of the men I would like to have in my arms, the
job I would be proud of, my family and how their hugs felt and a future where
nothing mattered, only my true happiness.
