Going...

“Well, I will just have to live with that, I guess.” So thought Roger, a thirty-year-old singer who had recently released his first album. He had been trying for a long time now to have a record around and he had finally achieved his dream. But a routine visit to the doctor had changed his life forever. It had been the look on the doctor’s face that said it all and nothing, at the same time. He asked Roger some questions beforehand, like “What are your parents like?” and “Do you know of any illnesses in your family?”. He had answered as best as he could but the truth was that those answers and those questions didn’t matter at all. The doctor seemed authentically shocked and sad when he told Roger he was going to loose his eyesight in a matter of months.

 The reasons were very technical. He cited some scientific names and a number of reasons for this to happen but Roger didn’t care about that at all. He just wanted to now if there was a cure or if he had heard correctly. The answer to the second question was obvious but to the first, there was no real answer. The doctor sent Roger to other doctors, specialists, who would now, more about his condition and maybe they would be able to help them. He assured Roger that his condition was very unique and that’s why he had noticed it right away. Maybe if it was in the earliest stages, the disease could be stopped somehow but he didn’t even try to guess how that would be done. He seemed pretty appalled but Roger didn’t notice, right then he didn’t care about anyone but him.

 Roger walked home in order to think a bit about what had just happened. Moments earlier, he had been pretty happy, telling the doctor the name of his album and telling him it was going to be a huge hit. People liked him before, when he started rapping as an amateur and even more when he actually started to train in order to be a proper singer. He had participated in contests all over the place and had dedicated his life to his music for the last few years. All of that was pure joy until that moment. He didn’t cry but he wanted to. He felt desperate and hopeless at the same time and, although he knew it wasn’t it for him, he would never be the same.

 When he entered home, he avoided talking to his roommate, who happened to be his manager. Malik had always been there for him, being his cousin and all, and he knew he could trust him but he didn’t want to talk. He just wanted to go to bed and try to get some sleep, even if the summer sun was high in the sky outside. He didn’t care about at as he secretly wanted to disappear right then. When he woke up, his cousin had ordered some pizza and had left him some on a plate in the kitchen. He wasn’t there anymore, probably because of business. Roger ate and thanked Malik for leaving him alone to think. It was then when Roger finally cried in silence, his tears falling to the ground in complete silence.

 The next day, they had an appointment in Jamz Records. The album had been released a month ago and they needed to have a meeting to discuss how everything was doing and if further efforts to do a campaign for the album had to be done. There were already plans for a national tour but now Jamz wanted to add a couple of foreign dates as the digital download was receiving rave reviews in other countries. Roger tried no to force his face too much to make a smile and he felt that the he was able to do that but it hurt. He was just not into hearing people talking and talking right now. In secret, he had thought of just dying in his room, one way or the other. He was desperate and wanted everything to have a fast conclusion.

 He also went to a couple of specialists who wanted to try some new medicine with him. It was mainly about using natural things to make his illness go away or at least act slower. He was told that it would take months to be rendered blind by the disease but the specialists agreed that they could make it slow down to give them more time to discover something that could stop its advance altogether. This cheered him up a bit, as it was some hope he didn’t think he would have. He took all the medicine, all the eye drops they gave him to take. He just wanted for this entire nightmare to be over soon and just be able to enjoy music like he had before. After all, he was promoting an album.

 Actually, Roger was unable to go to his next appointments with the specialists. Malik toured him around the city, going from radio station to radio station, giving out singles of his most recent release. The idea was authorized by Jamz, as they thought giving the album a personal seal as the artist handing out singles may create a certain myth about the artist that they could use in the future. Roger had a nice time going from door to door as he was asked to sing several times and also talk a bit about whatever it was that they were talking about. He felt important and loved and he needed that more than ever before. So he enjoyed the experience from start to finish, as he felt like a proper rapper.

 The album went on to have amazing sales and then the tour became a reality, with even more dates added to it all over the place. Roger was going to be on the road for at least three months, a very long time which scared him do to his disease. He visited the specialists before leaving and they gladly confirmed the disease had slowed down and it wasn’t advancing as fast as before. They gave him new medicine and begged for him to try to shorten the tour, if it was possible. Besides, they asked Roger to wear sunglasses at all times in order not to force his eyes too much. Hope was very much alive and he decided to be a good boy and just follow everyone’s advice.

 The first date of the tour was simply the best day of his life. People were cheering his name and they all sang the lyrics at the same time he was rapping and singing. He was pumped all through the performance, even in such a small venue (about a thousand people could fit in). When it was over, he signed autographs on copies of his album and posed for pictures with many people, men and women and even some kids that somehow appeared after the show. He celebrated that night at the hotel with a small party, thanking everyone involved in putting him in the place where he was now. He felt like the luckiest man on Earth and he just wanted to share that feeling with every single person.

 The following dates, he used his sunglasses and received praise for that particular style. Many more pictures were taken and autographs signed. He even got to do some press, mainly radio but also interviews for magazine that were specialized in music. He was glad to receive anyone interested in knowing his story, his struggle from when he was just a boy dreaming to be a singer and then having to do something else for a living because he had nowhere else to go but even then still singing and rapping and being who he really was. People liked his story because it felt real and honest and he loved to talk about it because he was very proud of his roots and of his pathway to recognition.

 The following day from that interview, he had his first foreign date. It was on a small venue, so it was going to be familiar and not intimidating. He jumped on stage and started with the most popular song there but then, as he was moving, he tripped and had to stop singing for a couple of minutes. He apologized and kept on going but the seed had been planted. He was nervous because he thought of the reason behind tripping. He kept singing and rapping, but people were not as pumped as in other places. Roger tried to finish but the stress was too much and he just fainted. He felt his body move and he heard some voice but he just surrendered to the pain and to tiredness of his body.

 In the hospital, the first thing he did was screaming. He had woken up but he hadn’t realized it for a while as he woke up blind. When he understood what was going on, he just screamed and almost tried to pierce his eyes to make them work. Some family members and Malik stopped him but he had to be sedated in order to be controlled. When he woke up, very late that evening, he heard his specialists talking with his doctor there. She was surprised about his condition but they were explaining how the disease just jumped ahead due to stress. It had been uncontrollable all along. In his bed, Roger cried in silence and tried to figure out what his life was going to be from then on.

Silences

   She had always loved to drive; as it liberated her from everything else she had been doing that day. When she drove back home from work, even with the traffic jams, she relaxed a lot and even stayed a bit in the car when arriving home just to think about one or two things. She also loved to be in bed with her husband and just share those priceless silences that people not really think about. Silence is beautiful when you feel you are complete with someone else and feel any sound would be just a disturbance, a nuisance. Emma and Greg had always had that kind of understanding and many people found it to be a bit disturbing but the truth was they didn’t really cared if other people approved or not of how they behave as a couple, they loved each other like mad.

 However, Emma one day realized she had been looking another man at work, someone she didn’t really know that well. She detailed everything he didn’t and she liked him right away because he stood away as different to the rest. Most of her coworkers were noisy and very annoying, always talking and mumbling and just behaving like parrots. The man she had discovered, who probably worked in another floor, was very different and was visibly shy and kept to himself. She realized, after several minutes, that she had been seeing him making copies and looking for a stapler, even as she had very big stack of work to do. When she came back to her senses, she felt oddly embarrassed and just went back to work.

 Emma had thought that behavior would only happen that one time but it didn’t. It started happening more and more, and not only with that man from work but also in the street, in stores and in the bus she took home when leaving the car there. She would just look at them carefully, appreciating everything they did, which was normally something really mundane and boring to everyone else but that seemed like magic to her. She didn’t really appreciated their bodies at all, she preferred to focus on their behavior and on whatever they were doing in the moment, no matter if it was listening to music, reading, jogging, talking on the phone or just standing there, close to her.

 If she was honest to herself, all of this made her feel very strange. She loved her husband but she just loved to look at this men just being there. She thought that maybe it was because she had been married so young and now she was getting interested in others but it was very particular that she didn’t even bothered to look at their faces sometimes and, if she did, she would discover that they didn’t looked at all like the men she supposedly found attractive. This went on for several months and for Emma it was something hard to process, because she had been living fifteen years of a very happy marriage and felt awful about what she was doing, as if she was cheating on her husband.

 One night, she decided to break their ceremonial silence and just tell Greg about what was happening to her. She hated the people that beat around the bush for hours without never ever getting to the point, so she went straight for it. It may have been a little harsh but Greg knew that was a trace of Emma’s personality that was just essential to her and he embraced that attribute with open arms. He just heard what she had to say and, after a detailed explanation of what was going on, he asked her if something else had happened. Obviously, he was worried she had cheated on him with one of these men. But she hadn’t done that so he just hugged her and told her there was nothing wring about what she did and even if something more happened, she could talk to him.

 The conversation was very positive for Emma, who had always known Greg would respond well to any issues that would be presented to him. So she kept on with her life, still looking at strangers and just that. Then, one day, one of these men looked back at her and just smiled. This tore apart everything she had thought about this strange process before and started to wonder if what she was looking for was some sort of action in her life. Of course, she didn’t like those disgusting men who looked like a cartoon character but she was still human and discovered she loved someone that looked much more deep and interesting that all the other men.

 With the man of the smile, she never had anything but she could’ve. The next man that smiled at her was lucky enough to receive a smile back and now her sessions looking at men involved much more interaction, often just smiling or staring mutually at each other. Most people would find that disturbing but to Emma it was all very alluring and it started to become almost sensual. She realized, although this was no real surprise, that she craved a real intimate life with a man. Her husband was kind and good and loyal but he wasn’t adventurous, he wasn’t passionate and that made her terribly sad.  It had always been like that but now, feeling more liberated, she had finally decided to accept it.

 One afternoon at work, when she stayed a bit more to finish up work, she found the first man she had been looking at in the elevator. She couldn’t resist looking and he responded by staring, never smiling. Then, without a word, he pressed the button of the next floor, stepped out there and looked back. Emma didn’t even doubt it and she followed him to a janitor’s closet where they had sex. As she expected, the sex was passionate but it was not vulgar. The sex was fulfilling but never disgusting or plain.  When she came back home, however, she knew she had to tell her husband so she did. She told him everything and then just waited for his answer. There was a long silence.

 Finally, he stated that he understood her and that he had felt like that too, some months ago. Of course, she instantly thought about asking if he had met someone too, but thought it was better not to push any subjects to the floor. Greg held Emma’s hand and asked her what she felt for him. Emma told him she loved him and she had never doubted it. But she also knew she was curious about the world and she wanted more from it now, more than he might be able to give to her. It hurt her a bit that a single tear slid down his face as he smiled and said that it was all fine, that he understood and that he just wanted to know if any feelings changed or if she started to change her mind about other things.

 She never had sex again with the man from her office but they did see each other often. It was incredible to realize that they had been feeling the same or at least seemed to agree on whatever it was they were looking for in other people. It wouldn’t be another couple of months until Emma had sex with another stranger, a man who was a bit more interesting that the man from the office simply because he really never spoke to her and didn’t even smiled or anything of the sort. It was very strange and even frightening but it made it him so interesting and attractive to her. She also told her husband about this man and he was also fine with it. She couldn’t deny it felt strange, but she knew she had become, a long time ago, into a real free woman.

 Time passed and her interest in men started to decline. She wasn’t just interested anymore and just wanted to dedicate the following years of her life to herself and her husband. She proposed for them to go away on a holiday, to some beautiful place far away, in order to just be with one another, in another background and see what they really felt for each other. The first time they had sex during that trip, neither of them could believe the change that had occurred in the last few years. It was obvious that something had changed and it apparently had changed for the better, as the two of them ended up being extremely happy with everything that happened. They did not discuss the reasons and it really wasn’t necessary as long as they were happy.

 And they were, for many years, until he died from a stroke. She cried all day long that day and when she finally stopped, she felt part of her soul die with him. She realized that she had loved him more than she could ever understand and that everything that had happened between them was just about learning and talking things, in their own way. She did discover he had been with someone else too, before she had her “season” but she never managed to discover who it was. Somehow she needed to know, to thank whomever it was. But that thought vanished in time and eventually she joined her husband, adoring him always.

Journey of exploration

   It was an irony that he could not board a boat without having to “return” all of his breakfast. Most people thought he was practically a sailor because of his work in the aquarium but the truth was he could barely stand the salty water and the constant movement of the waves. Nate’s job was to classify the fishes, modify their diets and select replacements if one of the individuals died. It was a very simple job really, that required only patience and time to know what to do and when to do it. He had always loved marine life, even if he didn’t particularly like the place where they lived. It was a very strange relationship the one he had with the creatures he worked with, and maybe it was that he liked them better when living in an aquarium.

 But the people for whom he worked had decided to send him to an exploration journey in order to bring new specimens to the aquarium. They wanted new species too, which meant travelling a lot and being always on the move, ready to make the next big catch. But Nate wasn’t the type to catch anything, if only the flu. He wasn’t an adventurous guy and he certainly didn’t like to travel for long periods of time. He was so odd he actually only took his vacations to be in his house. He never even visited an all-inclusive hotel or anything like that. So when he was chosen to go on a boat to capture new species, he was not very keen on the idea. Nate even went to his boss’s office and asked him to pull him out from the trip but the boss refused.

 He told Nate that it was necessary for all of his employees to be really involved in the world they were working with. He needed people that had experience with the creatures in the wild as well as in captivity. Besides, he insisted to Nate that the trip would be an eye opener for him and that it would gave him access to new knowledge about his craft and it would also be a new way to open himself as a person. Nate didn’t like people meddling in his life and maybe that was why his boss stopped talking and just told him to go and enjoy himself. Nate knew that wasn’t to be so easy so he tried talking to anyone with any power in the aquarium but everyone thought he should go.

 Defeated, he was asked to only bring a small bag with him, with only a few clothes and whatever else he needed, especially for his job. He was visited at home by the captain of the vessel who told him their trip would take almost three months around the Caribbean, where they would try to visit as many ecosystems as possible. He also told Nate he needed to learn how to dive so he made him go to some classes in the local swimming pool. Nate felt too much pressure from everyone to be as good as the trip, to be someone else basically, and that made him a bit unstable. He stopped eating regularly and lost several kilos prior to the trip. Besides, he acquired some weird repetitive movements in his hands and eyes.

 The day of the departure finally arrived. Captain Jones came to pick him up and he spoke the whole way to the boat. He was visibly very enthusiastic about the journey because, as he said, he loved to work with scientists that really appreciated everything that the ocean had to offer. Nate didn’t say a word. The boat was bigger than he had imagined it but the crew was rather small: two men helped the captain and there were only two other scientists with Nate. One was Angelina Öhm, an Austrian expert in invertebrates and professor Smith, an older man that loved whales and sharks. Both of them were actually pretty famous and worked in more prestigious aquariums than Nate.

 The boat set sailed that same afternoon, departing first towards the northern Bahamas where they expected to find a good amount of tropical fish for their respective aquariums. They actually explained to him that the boat was larger than normal because they needed space for all the containers they were going to fill with live specimens. The following day they were already near the island of Great Abaco, where Nate would have to dive. He was really dizzy, having had no sleep the night before. The first day was a total disaster: he hit his head various times against the steel of the boat, he vomited on the feet of one of the captain’s helpers, he wasn’t able to put his diving suit correctly and finally didn’t even swim at all, deciding to remain in his chambers for the day.

 That night, the Jones came to see him in his room and talked to him. He asked Nate to tell him what was going on and Nate explained that he didn’t wanted to be there because the ocean made him sick and scared. The truth was that he only wanted to go home and be safe. When he said this, the captain laughed and put an arm around his back. He told Nate he was safer on the boat than anywhere else on Earth, as he was simply one of the best sailors in the world. He told him how many medals he had from the navy and the army and joked about his prowess aboard larger and smaller vessels. After a while, Nate was able to smile and even laugh a little.

 The next day, when arriving to Cat Island, Nate decided to be more careful and patient, as he was when making the preparations for every animal’s dinner. He was always very careful and had his head in those matters and not anywhere else. So he did exactly that and he noticed he bumped his head less this time. He apologized to the seaman for the accident the day before and even shared a very small breakfast with the others. After all, his stomach was still very sensitive. He was able to put the suit on but then they only had a few good hours to dive. Rain came and ruined their exploration for the day. They captures some specimens and he remained classifying them the rest of the day.

 Days passed and Nate developed a certain new attitude. He realized that he had to be different in the boat than anywhere else. So he decided to approach his colleagues and just talk to them about his interests and his experience, no matter how little it was compared to theirs. It was refreshing to realize that both Öhm and Smith where very nice people that were very willing to share all of their knowledge with younger explorers like himself. Because it was them who told Nate that he now was an explorer, a proper adventure seeker and a potential discoverer of new life on this planet and what could be more exciting than that?

 The following two weeks were better for them as they captured many specimens a day. One special day near Haiti’s northern coast, Nate dove without the suit and caught a beautiful colorful slug with only some gloves and a bucket. He even discovered another one but with different colors and caught him too. The water was shallow and beautiful and he finally succumbed to the ocean. Now he saw what they all saw when entering the darkness of the ocean. So much life and so much activity, it was hard not to fall in love with every single species and with everyone that loved this environment back. Angelina and Smith congratulated him for his slugs and he secretly named them Nate 1 and Nate 2. Of course, that would never be on an aquarium but it was his little silly secret.

 The nights were great because they rarely dove in those times. They’d rather be in the dining room and just play cards or talk. After the first month, Nate managed to eat a bit more than he had eaten before and now he wasn’t afraid of just eating. There was so much confidence among the crew, which they now joked as if they had all being studying together in college for some time. The truth was that Nate had never felt this level of camaraderie before. He had never being part of a team and wasn’t very good at making friends or anything of the sort, he had always thought of himself as a bit of a clumsy guy, with almost no sense of what to say and when.

 But with the captain, his sailors, Angelina and Smith, he felt almost at home. They laughed, had jokes that they would repeat often and besides they would work together better than he would have ever work alone. And the best thing of all was that the boat was getting filled with awesome species that everyone was going to love in the aquarium. They had even caught some jellyfish that did not appear in their records, so it might signify the capture of a new species. Day by day he got better at diving with the suit and they would team up to capture every single creature they were interested in. Some animal they left alone, as turtle that had been hit by a boat’s propeller. He took several pictures and got tan every day more and more.

 Nate didn’t know it but the trip would jus change his life. He would return home realizing how much time he had wasted in general and how he could make some changes in life without really changing who he was but rather how he did some things.  The trip was an eye opener and Nate, even weeks before it was finished, thanked his boss, fate and everyone involved for putting him on that boat.

Ballet

Ballet was tough. It was hard on the dancers, on the choreographers and even on the audience. But Alexei just loved it. He had begun his dancing at a very young age and his parents had always been very supportive. They were the pillars of his happiness because they had enabled him to become one with dancing and had never missed one of his performances. They were very proud of their son and wanted the best for him and that’s why they supported him with everything he did. Alexei was grateful because, talking to other dancers, he realized things could not have gone so smoothly for him. There was even a dancer that claimed he had been left with an aunt at age seven for him liking ballet.

 Of course, the myth says that if a man likes ballet, both as a spectator and a dancer, then he’s a homosexual. The truth was it was that the statement was accurate very often but not always. Alexei was gay but he had met a lot of heterosexual men that loved dancing at that were even really relaxed about their sex lives. Besides, women apparently loved a guy who was bendy and had a nice body and so on. It was funny sometimes to see Evan, the most heterosexual dancer he had ever seen, just flirting with at least three girls at the same time. It looked ridiculous and funny and also was something to admire about him. The man was really handsome and he was very talented too so the girls got all in one or at least that was what he said. The point was, ballet dancers came in all forms or shapes.

 Actually, the company Alexei danced with praised itself for its variety at the moment of choosing their performances and also for their diversity among the dancers. There were black women and men, Asians, Latinos and so on. And people loved that because they had a certain “Benetton syndrome” where they loved to have all races bond and be happy together, which was clearly not the case in real life. But funny enough, they did feel each other as family. Many would often have lunch together and some even shared an apartment. For example, Alexei lived with Katerina who had been in the company three more years than him. She was very experienced and disciplined but when she wanted she could be very liberated.

 Alexei and Katerina had become very good friends and when she was unable to fin a proper place to stay after her former contract expired, Alexei invited her to live with him. They had fun whenever they were not tired and both there at the same time. They would watch movies together and eat some ice cream, which was forbidden but they did not care. It was a fun way to live because they could also talk about work and ballet in general and they would understand and give tips to one another, something that they wouldn’t be able to do with people out of the medium. So their living arrangement was advantageous for both of them and they had become more of a family than just friends.

 But that changed once the production of Swan Lake begun. Of course, that was a classic and every single member of the company wanted desperately to become well known after receiving the dual role for which everyone knew the play. But that wasn’t going to happen. It had been decided that the role would be played by two people instead of putting all the pressure in one of them. And to make matters more interesting, they also announced that gender would not play a part in any decision concerning any of the roles. They would just mask them or put them in certain costumes if the character had to be man or woman but the person playing them could be either. They announced all of this and the dancers stopped being that family and became almost enemies.

Nice little lunches, smiles, parties, walks and so on stopped. It was as if war had suddenly started and anyone could be a spy or your worst enemy. Alexei regretted this because his main dream was not to become the most well known male ballet dancer. He just wanted to keep learning and getting better and better in his art. For him, ballet was one of those things that elevate the soul and make people forget about every single bad thing that is happening to them. It has the ability to make your soul fly away into a beautiful world that doesn’t exist and feel things that maybe you wouldn’t be able to experience in reality.

 What Alexei regretted more was talking to Katerina. She had been one of the main performers in the company since she had started and didn’t want that to go away. She felt people knew her and that the audience needed to see a proper black swan, the role for which she was practicing. The truth was that many guys and girls wanted that role and not so many wanted the others. Alexei practiced for the role of the prince and just practiced a lot to get it perfectly. They had three months until the casting took place and then the audition results became known and production went ahead like a steam train. It was all a bit scary for Alexei but he knew he had his family and friend at his side.

 After rehearsal, he would often meet with Gabrielle and John. Gabby was one of those girls that is really objective and goes to the point very fast. She told Alexei that, although she didn’t know much about ballet, she did know he was a very good dancer and that every time he showed his talent, people rewarded him in many ways. Gabby was an architect and knew some art. And John was a fashion designer and had always wanted to make something for Alexei but the clothes for the plays were always done by the designer of the theater and in normal life he wasn’t a very big guy in fashion. Anyway, John was also very supportive and told him guys would fly of their seats only to check his ass on those tights, which always made Alexei laugh.

 Alexei rehearse every single day. He woke up early, went to a small room he had booked for several days and just did his routine, number by number. He noticed fast all of his mistakes and made himself learn new things or repeat those that didn’t come naturally to him. At the end of it, after several hours, he was tired, hungry as his feet hurt like hell. But it was worth it, he thought. Alexei felt that performing was always the best way to get the audience into the play and hopefully to get more people to know about ballet, which was ultimately what, he wanted. Although his family was supportive, people in life had been less candid about his choices and he could even say he had been bullied. But he didn’t say it because he wasn’t a victim but a strong person and he refused to bow to weakness.

 That was his ballet persona, if you will, that kicked in life and helped him be who he was. It was this strong attitude that attracted, after one of his rehearsals, a guy named Javier. He was a server in one of the restaurants where Alexei often went after being all day in a closed space. There he could eat a nutritious meal, bound to the rules of the academy, and also do one of the things he liked most which was just look at people passing by on the street. But once Javier started talking to him, while serving or while on a break, he had stopped looking at the people outside and had started looking only at Javier.

 They went out on a date just one week before the audition. Alexei said that his daily rehearsals should be enough to pass the audition and that he didn’t believe in overdoing anything. If he wasn’t ready, it wasn’t going to be solved by getting his feet broken on the last week. So after one of his routine rehearsals, he met with Javier who had a day off and just walked to a park and just chatted there for hours. Javier wasn’t the first guy that he met, of course, but it felt like it. He had never really talked to any guy about what he did, they were always too busy asking how bendy he was and praising him for his looks, something that Javier did but in a much more elegant way. They had dinner together and at the end of the night they kissed goodbye.

 The day of the audition, Alexei gave everything of himself. He thought to himself that this prince was going to be the best thing he would have ever done. He gave him energy and power and the jury saw it because their faces couldn’t hide the fact that they had loved what Alexei had done. Once done, he had to wait outside as the announcement of who had won what role was done only a half hour after they auditioned. Every waited in silence, pacing around and just not even thinking about anything else. Finally, they let them all in in the auditorium and announced the roles. Alexei almost jumped when he got the role of the prince and the guy who got to be white swan was ecstatic. But the black swan wasn’t won by Katerina but someone else.

 He felt bad for his friend but also felt awesome because of his role. He called his parents and Gabby and John and they were all very excited. They only had good wishes for him. Then, he grabbed his coat and went straight to Javier’s place and then they celebrated with cheap wine and sex, but it was the best celebration ever. He was happy know, more than ever. Things may never be that good again and that’s why he was living the moment so beautifully.