I just had to do it. That’s
what I talk the officer when they came to my home one sunny Saturday afternoon.
The day had started so bright and beautiful, but my body somehow knew something
else was going to happen. I had been living in that cottage for more than a
year, never really feeling safe. And my past, my actions, had finally caught up
to me. It was very scary but, at the same time, a relief. I didn’t have to keep
running from everyone and I could finally breathe in relative peace, even if it
was inside a cell.
They came in and talked to me. We
didn’t even tried bullshit, as we all knew what we were doing there. I wasn’t a
danger to anyone, so they avoided using harsh language or force. They didn’t
even use handcuffs. I asked why because, as you always see in TV shows,
handcuffs are supposed to be mandatory. They said they would make an exception
for me, because they didn’t really wanted to upset the villagers, they didn’t
want them to know what was happening. The less they knew was best for everyone.
It was clear they also wanted to
avoid been noticed because they weren’t dressed like officers. They looked like
a nice couple, touring the beautiful towns of the English countryside. But they
weren’t a couple and I never knew if they were really nice or not. They just
wanted to do it all without a fuss, avoiding any kind of commotion and,
especially, any possibilities of the news leaking to the press. I guess they
wanted to be the ones revealing to the world that I had been captured, without
any resistance.
They let me call a fellow
villager, a friend I had made with time. I told her I would be leaving because
of an emergency and that I would need her to take care of the plants and
animals in the house for a while. I had two cats and a dog, as well as a very
well cared garden with all kinds of flowers and herbs. It had been my
everything for this time. She asked why I was leaving but I just insisted on
the reason being an emergency. She didn’t say anything else, maybe
understanding that I was, somehow, under pressure.
We then walked out of the house,
letting me close with the key and leaving it beneath the welcome mat. I didn’t
grab a coat or a sweater, because what good would it be for me to do that if I
was going to spend a long time in a cell. I hopped into the officers’ car and
we rapidly drove off. I couldn’t get myself to turn around to look at my house
for one last time. I broke right then and there, my eyes swelling up with tears
that rolled down my cheeks. I didn’t clean my face until much later, preferring
to taste the saltiness of the tears, to realize what was happening, to make it
real.
I fell asleep on the ride to the
city. The officers told me they had to take me there first, to be processed and
for a judge to see me. They would even give me a lawyer, but it was clear I
wasn’t going to use one. The only thing I was clear about was that I was going
to plead guilty and I would pay my sentence, no matter how long it was. I
didn’t want to defend myself in front of anyone; I didn’t want a jury to get
their nose into what had happened. The fastest way to put everything behind was
just to accept my fate.
The moment I woke up, I realized
how life would change for me. As the car crossed the gates of the main police
station, I started missing everything from my life before. I missed Paws the
cat and the way he like to play on the window when it rained, thinking the
water drops were small fish. I thought of Captain, my dog, and Cinderella, my
other cat. The three of them had been my companions for a while, at nights and
in moments I thought the only exit was killing myself, running directly into a
truck passing by on the road.
I would also miss my times in the
garden, caring for the plants and the flowers and cutting and putting things on
pots. It had been a lot of work but it was always fun and exciting. I learned a
lot about life from those plants, a lot about myself and how I can be a better
person. I thought of mentioning that to the judge but then I realized they
wouldn’t care about what I had done while on the run. For them I was just
another murderer that had to pay the price for what he had done, no matter how
many plants or animals I loved.
The officers finally put me on
handcuffs and helped me down the car. We walked through various corridors and
climbed up stairs. I thought the place was like a labyrinth and that it was an
intentional thing on the part of the creator of that place in order to confuse
anyone and make them feel anxious and insecure. It was kind of working, right
to the point where they sat me down on a bench and asked me to stay put. Of
course, I complied. There was no place I could be and running away made no
sense at all.
I waited for an hour or so before
one of the officers came back and told me I had to stay overnight in a cell
beneath the station. Apparently, not all papers had gone through and some
others were needed for me to be properly sentenced. They guaranteed me it
wouldn’t take more than a few hours but the judge was only available until the
next day. So we took the elevator, he filled some more papers and I eventually
got to a cell, alone in the dark. I couldn’t sleep at all, so I just waited,
trying to avoid becoming insane. I realized how hard it was going to be for me,
even doubting if I could endure through it.
Thankfully, everything happened
early in the day. I declared myself guilty in front of the judge and he revised
the case carefully before stating his sentence: I was going to be in jail for
ten years. My so-called lawyer was ecstatic, as she thought it was going to be
way more than that. Apparently, I could have been sentenced to life in prison,
but as I only killed one person and never really shown tendencies to indicate I
would kill again or that I had killed before, they decided to be a little nicer
to me.
Yet, a ten-year sentence was
still a lot. I was going to come out in my forties, without any real chance of
getting a proper job. I would be more of an outcast that I had ever been, and
that didn’t bother me at all. I knew it was not the norm but I thanked the
judge before he left, before I was taken down to a van were they would carry me
to prison. It took a while, more paper work, but we were on the road about two
hours after my hearing. The trip was going to be pretty short, as the prison was
not to far from the city.
When I got there, I have to say
every single detail seemed extremely important. I had my eyes wide open, as
well as my ears. Apparently, it was a medium security prison. They gave me a
uniform at the entrance and I had to strip down in order for some guard to do a
cavity search and then watch me dress up. It was the most humiliating part of
the whole process and I have to confess I wasn’t expecting something like that
to happen. I just thought about the ocean, my flowers and my animals.
More paperwork. Then, a big
muscular guard took me through several corridors until we had reached the third
yard. Some more paperwork and then another short walk, this time to my final
destination. The cell was a little big larger than the one in a police station.
I had a small window, a toilet, a sink and a bunk bed. I was kind of surprised
to see someone lying down on the top, staring at me as I entered. The guard
took off my handcuffs, closed the door and left me there with my cellmate.
I didn’t want to speak first.
Apparently he understood that, because he waited for a while, as I looked at my
surroundings and then sat down on the lower bed, feeling the fabric of the
blanket with my hands, its roughness and brutality. He then asked what I had
had done to end up there with him.
I told him, in a very clear
voice, that I had assassinated my best friend’s father. He asked why. So I told him, staring at the
pearl white wall in front of me, that he had raped me repeatedly for years, so
I decided to stab him in his sleep one night, when he least expected it. My
cellmate felt silent. So did I.
