Waves

   The ocean was his thing. When high school drew to a close, his parents had insisted on him finding a proper career to study in a big city, at least ten hours away from their small town. But Ari, our young enthusiast, was fascinated by the treasures of the sea and was eager to follow his grandfather’s footsteps. That man was a living legend as he had broken all records of size and number of fish he had caught. He was just the best at his craft.

 Ari visited Mr. Gons, his grandfather, pretty often. The old man lived in a small shack by the sea, where he would still fish his lunch and ate very little fruits and vegetables, despite his daughter’s insistence. He always told her that he was over eighty years old and, beyond that age, it didn’t really matter what had eaten before in your life. Mister Gons thought the ocean could give anyone a fair life and enough to nourish from.

 So it was from him from whom Ari had learned to appreciate the ocean, which had always been there for him. He loved swimming, of course, and had done a bit of surfing but he wasn’t much into it. He loved diving, though. He had attended a school were he had learned all the basics and now he did it every time he had a moment to do it. He would ask his grandfather fro his boat and dive alone, from the break of dawn to lunchtime.

 To his grandpa’s disappointment, he never brought fish to eat. He only went there to see the ocean creatures live, to the things they did normally, which was fascinating. He loved animals, sometimes bringing his dog Kop with him in the boat. When high school finished, his parents were mad at him for not having put his name down in any of the schools they suggested. They knew he loved the town but they also knew opportunities there were scarce.

 So, because of his decision not to study, he had the chance to do two things he wanted to do instead of studying law or medicine. First of all, he found a job leading tourists to a nearby reef. He would go with small groups and show them the marine life and how they tried to protect it from being destroyed. Besides work, which he always looked forward, he decided to help in the only fishery remaining in town. He started taking the guts out of the fish and putting them on ice but he hoped to get one a boat some day.

 The first months were both easy and hard, all at the same time. Driving the tourists around was incredibly relaxing, as only people who really liked the ocean would go on those kind of tours. The few times there was a nervous person, they would all help to make the experience the best of his or her life. There was definitely nothing like watching life just happen before your eyes and that’s what he loved of it.

The fishery, on the other hand, was hard work. He would do it four days a week an even then it was hell. The people handling the place had been shaped by the sea, just like their product, and they didn’t allow anything to go differently than what they had planned. They yelled a lot, especially when the work place was too filthy or the worker was too slow. Taking the guts out and scaling the fish was not as easy as it looked like and it had to be done properly or the fish would be damaged and selling it would be harder.

 Every time he got back home, after work, he would be exhausted. It didn’t matter from what job he came from, his hands would always be sore as well as his feet. Besides, Ami would gulp down food and a lot of water at diner time, as he didn’t properly eat all day. His parents were not happy for this but they didn’t say anything. He was being responsible and was winning his own money. They hoped that the workload would make him realized that he needed to study to improve himself.

 Then, halfway through the year, something no one had seen coming happened: Mr. Gons had died. It had happened in the night, while he lay on his favorite rocking chair, having fallen asleep with the sound of the waves and the feeling of sand beneath his feat. He was loved by many, especially by those families that had always lived in the town. The turnout at the funeral was outstanding; the family couldn’t have been more proud. Everyone shared stories about him and coincided that he was a one special man.

 Ari then, stopped working for a couple of days. His bosses excused him, just by looking at him: he looked beyond sad. He looked as if it was a defining moment for him so they gave him some time to think but not too much as he was needed in both the reef and the fishery. Indeed, Ari thought of his grandpa, who had thought him everything of the sea, but he also thought what he wanted from life. He knew that things were hard out there but then he realized he had already taken steps to make a live of his own.

 So the day he returned to work, confident that he was doing everything right. He couldn’t push to happen, he couldn’t force anything, but he could improve himself and just be good at what he did. He started reading a lot more about fishes and other sea creatures so that he would be available to give more complete tours on the reef. As for the fishery, he trained himself with a small knife cutting open everything at home. His mom was certainly impressed when she noticed everything in the fridge had already being chopped in various ways.

 On weekends, he would return to his grandpa’s house to drink a beer and watch the ocean. He understood then why the old man loved the place: the peace and quiet was overwhelming but appreciated. Being away from everything but that soothing sound was just perfect. But then, four months before the end of the year, he began going there with a girl he had met in one of the tours. She lived in a town close to his and would visit him when out of work. It was the first time he fell in love for real and knew she was in love with him.

 When working, he noticed he didn’t thought of it as he did it. He would think of her or of his plans, which were slowly forming in his mind. He had realized that, despite everything he thought, his parents were right. He did need to educate himself more to be better, not just to earn more money but to afford to live, as he wanted to do it. He had even thought of living with his girlfriend but that was another project, for the future.

 He told his parents of his realization that learning more was necessary to him, in order to know more about what he loved and to live a good life too. They were happy tear it but not so happy when he told them he had found an aquarium, in a medium size city about two hours away by car. It was not that they wanted him to go but that they wanted the very best for them. He explained the aquarium had a school where he could study marine biology. They actually had at least some ten more careers to choose from, which was very interesting.

 One weekend he was free from work, he took his girlfriend and his parents to the aquarium. The place was beautiful and they were all amazed that they had never really known about the place. The lady that gave them a guided visit, explained that the school had been open only for the past two years but that many students that wanted to study the careers they taught were very happy with their presence. Even the zoo area of the compound was much better than any other he had seen: the pools were very big and the machines were kept away from the animals, so not to disturbing. They didn’t have large mammals, as they believed they were better off in the ocean.

 So when the year drew to a close, Ari told his bosses all about him studying and not being able to work anymore. They were both very happy for him and wished him all the best. He had been an exemplary employee in both places, and people had learned to appreciate his work thoroughly.

 Then came Christmas. They all had a big party in his grandpa’s old house and there was no one sad or thoughtful. Everyone smiled and enjoyed the food, the company and the prospects that the future was putting on the table.

Quiero volver a soñar

   De pronto el piso dejó de existir y caí. No caí rápidamente, atraído por la gravedad. Caí lentamente, como si algo estuviera sosteniéndome mientras bajaba eternamente hacia algún punto allí abajo, entre la negrura del universo. Alrededor mío, solo había estrellas, enormes y pequeñas, cercanas y lejanas. Era fascinante tener la sensación de poder tocarlas con las manos pero, al hacerlo, pude darme cuenta que no eran calientes. Estaban frías, como el espacio alrededor mío.

 Mientras caía, pude ver formas y siluetas que se formaban allá lejos, adonde mi vista, que siempre había sido mala, no podía llegar. Entrecerré los ojos, tratando de ver pero no pude definir ninguna de las criaturas que parecían bailar allí. Supe que era hermoso, supe que era la existencia misma la que hacía que esos objetos o seres fluyeran como lo hacían. Pero mis ojos no veían nada. Era mi mente, era algo más allá de mi ser que me decía lo que pasaba alrededor mío.

 Mis pies descalzos tocaron entonces el fondo. Ni me había dando cuenta que ya había llegado y que la negrura había desaparecido, aparentemente de golpe. El piso era pasto, césped de un verde que parecía improbable pero que allí abundaba. Se sentía genial poder pisar la hierba, sentir el mundo bajo mis pies. Me detuve al ver que más allá, en las siguiente colina, había una casita. Se parecía a aquellas que los niños dibujan cuando va a la escuela.

 Mientras caminaba hacia ella, veía todos sus detalles: ventanas cuadradas e marco rojo, una puerta principal algo torcida de azul eléctrico, una chimenea de ladrillo ladeada en el techo y flores por todo el contorno de la construcción.  Era de color amarillo y parecía ser la única del lugar. Cuando llegué al frente de la casa, vi que no había nada más en el entorno más que el brillante pasto y el cielo que todavía estaba pintada de negro, aunque era de día.

Sin dudarlo, empujé la puerta. No tenía pomo y, de todas maneras, estaba seguro de que no era necesario. Quien iba necesitar de seguridad en un desolado paraje como este?

 La casa era perfecta por dentro. Todo parecía estar esperando uso, como si hubiera sido recién comprado por alguien para mí. O bueno, tal vez no para mi pero sí para alguien a quien quisiera mucho. Me senté en un bello sofá de flores de la sala y me di cuenta de que yo era el creador del lugar, al menos del exterior. Quien habría sido la persona que había comprado todo esto, hecho que este casa fuera un hogar propiamente dicho?

 Entonces, el sonido de la tetera inundó el lugar. Me levanté y caminé a la cocina y vi que alguien ya había preparado una taza con una bolsita de té negro y algo de azúcar blanco. Esa es mi bebida favorita, así que supo que todo esto era para mi. Serví el agua caliente en la taza y estuve ahí, pensando en todo, por lo que se sintieron como horas o más. Me di cuenta que ya había terminado mi bebida y entonces subí al piso superior. Ya vería las demás habitaciones de la planta baja después.

 Desde la escalera del descanso pude ver, a través de una de las ventanas cuadradas, que se había vuelto de noche otra vez. Pero no solo eso. Ahora las colinas habían desaparecido, siendo reemplazadas por un paisaje propio de la luna o algún otro cuerpo celestial. No sabía donde estaba pero, extrañamente, no me sentí conmocionado o asustado. De seguro, había una razón.

 Había solo tres puertas en el segundo piso y reí como tonto al ver lo que había detrás de la primera que abrí. Era el baño. Era bastante pequeño pero confortable, todo de madera, incluso el lavamanos. Había pequeñas botellas alrededor de este último y, en la ducha, había otra ventana cuadrada. Entonces tuve el impulso o, mejor dicho, la idea de que tenía que bañarme. Ahí mismo me quité la ropa que tenía y entré a la ducha. El agua estaba perfecta.

 Era todo muy raro. Lo sabía. En ningún momento pensaba que todo la situación tuviera algo de normal. De hecho, a través de la ventana pude ver el terreno desolado que había afuera y me sobrecogió una sensación de molestia, de fastidio. Como si ver ese terreno me recordara alguna sensación desagradable, algún recuerdo amarrado a mis ojos pero no a mi memoria.

 Entonces me di cuenta que ya no salía agua de la ducha y que ya estaba seco. Salí así del baño y supe que la puerta que había justo en frente era la correcta. La empujé y entonces vi algo que me pareció natural pero que sabía, no lo era del todo. Me vi a mi mismo, acostado en la cama, durmiendo. Una puerta se abrió dentro de la habitación: tenía baño interno. De allí salió alguien que no reconocí pero que sentí, debía conocer.

 Pude ver que era un hombre por su físico, pero su cara parecía inmersa en sombras. Era como si algo o alguien no quisiera que yo supiera de quien se trataba, aún cuando yo sentía muy en el fondo, que sabía exactamente que era lo que ocurría. El hombre se acostó en la cama, abrazándome. O mejor dicho, abrazando al yo que estaba allí dormido. Por alguna razón, esta visión me afectó, haciéndome llorar y luego me hizo salir corriendo de allí, hasta la puerta de la casa.

 La abrí de golpe y salí corriendo, apenas mirando para donde corría. Entonces tropecé con algo y caí de rodillas. El dolor era intenso y entonces olvidé porque había empezado a llorar, si es que alguna vez lo supe. Mis rodillas sangraban y me di cuenta que mis piernas y manos estaban cubiertas de un fino polvo gris, que brillaba cuando me movía. Miré fascinando como relucía y como, cuando lo trataba de limpiar, flotaba en el aire unos segundos y allí se quedaba.

 Me puse de pie y caminé. El suelo era inusualmente suave pero esto era un gusto para mis pies. No sé por cuanto tiempo caminé, desnudo, por aquel desierto espacial. Nunca miré atrás pero supe que la casa ya no estaba allí. Se había ido como había aparecido y no había manera de ir a buscarla. De todas maneras no quería volver a ella.

 Entonces algo brilló sobre mi cabeza, cegándome. Y el brillo invadió todo el lugar por lo que no pude seguir caminando. Entonces me dejé caer al suelo y caí en cuenta de que alguien controlaba el brillo. Sentía que había alguien más conmigo en el vacío del espacio. Yo no estaba solo.

 Se sintió como si cortaran una película de buenas a primeras. Fue cuando desperté. No de golpe, como suele pasar sino solo abriendo los ojos y viendo que el mundo real empezaba a dibujarse alrededor mío. Por varios minutos no me moví, tratando de recordar todo lo que pudiera sobre el sueño. Cuando me incorporé por fin, tomé una libreta y un esfero de la mesa de noche y empecé a escribir todo. Y aquí estamos.

 No sé de que iba todo. De hecho, no sé de que va nada en realidad y en un sueño es probable que entienda aún menos. Sería esa la razón de mi sueño? Seguramente. Dicen que las preocupaciones lo hacen a uno soñar cosas muy raras. Lo extraño era que yo me sintiera tranquilo en todos esos lugares y con todos esos cambios.

 Pero entonces pensé: quien era el hombre en mi habitación? Quien era el propietario de esa cara en sombras? Y porque había sentido una presencia que lo controlaba todo? Sentí miedo de mi mismo?

 Escribiendo esto me he calmado un poco pero no puedo dejar de pensar en lo que no slidad solo decida dejarme ir, cansado e atormenta la idea de que solo en sueños pueda entender que hacer con la vida y en la reaé, en lo que todavía no es o en lo que puede nunca sea. Me atormenta la idea de que solo en sueños pueda entender que hacer con la vida y en la realidad solo decida dejarme ir, cansado o tal vez sin la voluntad de hacer nada. No quiero ser nada y quiero ser todo al mismo tiempo.

 Pensándolo mejor, quiero volver a soñar.

Hate

   They all hate him. I know I do. He acts all perfect and many people around here think he is just that: perfect. I bet he hide so many thinks beneath those stupid smiles and acts of kindness. No human person is like that; we all act of cowardice or shame but never just because we are good. We just want to be it so bad we go to great lengths to transform in those idiotic beings that just spit positivity.

 He’s a fake. I just know it. He gave everyone a present on his floor last Christmas and even organized a party for them, dressed as Santa Claus. And people danced around him like dogs under the hypnosis of a really good trainer. It was disgusting how they looked, as if they were in the presence of God himself or at least one of the many saints. And he even acts the part, always helping and doing and being all over the place.

 Was he fat as a kid? Or did his parents maybe hate him? No, of course not. That wouldn’t have happened to him. People said that he would speak of his childhood often, remembering how it was all easier. Ha! Easier than now, when almost every single idiot in this office building treats him like his a deity? I doubt it. He must have been one of those insufferable jocks, full of himself, with everyone cheering around just because he looked like some guy from a magazine.

 I always try to get away from people like that. All they do is treat people like the stupidest of pets, making them do, as he wants. He doesn’t even have to ask, which is even more revolting. They just do it, as if getting the reward of his smile was more than enough to feed their children or pay their bills. I’ve heard them, women and children worshipping him in the elevator, talking about how kind and sensitive he is.

 People will believe anything if they want to, even if it kills them. They’re not smart enough to feel, to sense. I laugh in my head overtime they organized that annoying secret valentines game. They always try to pull me into that and, once, I almost agreed to do it. At the end of the day, I’m not much more smart than they are and I do work here with them. But then they spoke of how that stupid fuck was organizing it all. So I just said no and left for my house.

 Days after that I ran into him. He smiled to me! As I was a friend or one of his dogs. I just got out of the elevator and went to the bathroom, as I had no need to stand more than a minute in the presence of that cheeky smug smile, expecting me and anyone else to do the same. I want him to know that we’re not all enthralled by his physical appearance and his effort to be liked by everyone.

 He wants us all to like him? Then he should behave like any other of us, just work and shut the fuck up. We don’t wanna know about his colorful life full of beauty, and style and drama that’s only dramatic to him. Of course, he has been employee of the month so many times, no one even asks anymore about the picture they take when you win. They even said he asked fro the pictures to be removed, as he didn’t want to be disliked.

 Funny he said that, if he did say that is. Because I don’t dislike him. I don’t. Don’t ever get me wrong there. I hate him. I fully and truly hate his guts. I hate his smile, I hate those pictures of everyone’s holidays they put up once on the company’s Facebook page. Of course he was on a beach somewhere half around the world, tanned and his body ridiculously fit and lean. It was obvious that he was perfect in every fucking sense. And I hate that.

You may calm me resented or that I envy him. Maybe, I would not know if that is so. What I do know is that a fucking hate that guy and everything he stands for. He makes people feel less than they are and then he just greets them and think that will make everybody feel better because, like the Pope, he stretches the hand of all those less fortunate. And those poor devils do think that they are his friends just because he smiles at them or because they hear one of his stupid little stories.

 I’ve gone to the doctor, the shrink that is. Believe me, I’m not happy thinking about that guy every day in the office. So I went to see one of those doctors and he says I’m obsessive and I’m looking to deep into it. He tells me I should just leave it at that and live for myself. But I can, I have explained to him. How can I have time for my own when I have to go to that damn floor everyday and hear him make one of his lectures to people.

 That doctor doesn’t know I feel ill, sick to my stomach every time I hear that man’s voice. Many people say you can’t really hate, that it takes something really strong to feel that for someone. I tell you, I didn’t take a lot for me to feel what I feel. And it is hate, and I hate that feeling too. I have a life, not much but I do have it and I don’t want to spend it thinking of some male model that parades around.

 He hypnotized me once, that doctor. I thought the idea was stupid but I let him do it, as I wanted peace for once on my mind. He said, after I woke up or however you name it, that I have dangerous tendencies towards criminal behavior and that I have deep problems rooted in my brain. Fuck, what an idiot that doctor is. I could have told him that myself, awake and for a cheaper price. Of course, I never went back to see him. I don’t need people charging me for telling me the obvious.

 I want to kill him. That’s what the doc meant. And I have thought of it many times, carefully. I do it before I go to sleep or when I daydream at work. Some days ago he came to my corner and asked me for some papers. I wanted to throw up, right there. Sick isn’t it? Then, as I reached for the papers without saying a single word, I imagined punching him to his death. How beautiful would he look like with blood all over his face?

 This is not good. I know killing is a bad thing, that’s obvious. But what can I do? Every single time I see him, that strange rush invades my whole body and makes me feel like I could really do it. You know? I’ve thought several ways to do it, all of them fun to me. Of course I don’t share this with anyone. People would overreact and say I’m mass murderer or some shit like that. And the truth is I just want HIM dead. I know if I do it, I wouldn’t do it again. No need to.

 The day after he asked me for those papers, I decided I would follow him to his house. Why? Easy: before he dies I want him to tell me what lies beneath that entire perfect surface. Because, as you know, I don’t believe for a second all of those nice little details about his life and how he loves everyone and so on. I know there must be something really rotten below all that beauty. There always is. No one is perfect in this world and, the better the cover, the nastier the secrets.

 So I followed him down to the basement, because he’s one of few that comes work by car. And then it struck me: it doesn’t matter. His life, what he has or hasn’t done. I don’t give a fuck about that. What I really care about is the image he gives to the world. He might fuck children, kill whores or spread STD’s. I don’t care. I care about that fake smile he gives to everyone he meets. I want that finished.

 Yesterday, I almost went for it. I went to the bathroom to pee and he went in to and went for one of the stalls. We were alone. He was whistling. The rush came back and I knew that was the perfect moment. I could strangle him myself with my hands, seeing his soul leaving his body and his smile finally disappearing from his face. But when I decided to do it, another man came in and I just went out, breathing heavily as if I had been running.

 Then comes today. The guy announce to everyone, as if he was the president, that he will be leaving us to pursue other endeavors. I almost went crazy when I heard about it. But then, I relaxed. My life could get back to normal and I could make all these thoughts go away. Him leaving would be my cure. And the only person that would ever know about this all would be me because here, inside my head, there’s only me. And I’m thankful for that.