Naked party

   Everything had become a little too overbearing in the inside, so I made my way outside. There was a large porch kind of thing, where people could have a smoke or just go down to the beach and relax there. Of course, being a naked party, the organizers had been smart enough to put several warnings on the sand for people to avoid the water. Most were drunk and it would have been a grave mistake for any of them to enter the water in that state. There was even a lifeguard on duty, which seemed to be very bored.

 I went around the house, all along the porch, and finally found a spot to be alone and in peace. There was some kind of mannequin offering cigarettes, reminding people to only grab one. You could light it up with a built-in lighter that the doll had on its hand. It was kind of a clever idea and I was in such desperate need to relax that the cigarette was essential for that. I didn’t really smoke that much in my daily life, but this kinds of parties made me resort to that kind of vice in a very predictable way.

 The air was rather warm that night, yet there was a wind blowing from the ocean that felt chilly and gave goose bumps in an instant. I found myself caressing my arms as I smoked and watched some people playing around on the beach and the lifeguard yawning, but still watching them very closely. I could hear the ocean and it could be seen but only because a red lantern, kind of a Chinese thing, had been lit in the middle of the beach, right at the center of the section reserved for people that had come to the party.

 Curiously, I had come because of a flyer I had been given in another beach, the official gay beach very nearby. The truth is, the gay didn’t really wanted me to have the flyer, it was a thing of the wind blowing and him being unable to keep his things in order. He must have felt ashamed when I grabbed the paper and asked what it was about. He explained and just let me have the flyer, obviously dreading the idea of a guy like me going to such an event. I have to say I wanted to laugh at him but I didn’t.

 They were giving the flyers to all hot guys on the beach and it was clear they didn’t consider me one. I wasn’t ripped, with an eight pack and tall as a tree. I didn’t have any of that, even if I had been working out at the gym like a crazy person in order to be looking nice for this holiday. I had planned it for a while, something that I would be doing for myself and by myself, so I really wanted to look as good as possible. I had even bought a speedo type swimwear that made me a little bit uncomfortable. The flyers guys weren’t helping me a lot in that department, but I just went through it.

 My attempted laughter at the flyer guy had been caused by the idea that I found the party they were promoting something silly and the kind of thing I would never participate in. So I just forgot about it until I saw the flyer back in the hotel, after having a shower and preparing to go down and have dinner. I read the whole thing and I have to confess I found it to be very interesting. So much so, that I decided to investigate a little further. I spent the duration of my dinner reading on my cellphone about those kinds of parties.

 The mere idea of being naked around other people made me laugh out of nervousness. I wasn’t able to imagine being in such an event because I had always been too self-conscious about my physical appearance. Even after so many hours of workout and dedication to my body, I was still ashamed to parade without a t-shirt, much less being totally naked. I still had some “love handles” as well as many things that those guys on the beach didn’t have. But somehow, I decided to take it on as a challenge.

 They couldn’t stop me from going and I had decided it was the perfect kind of thing to push myself and just try new things. Maybe it wasn’t going to be my type of party or my kind of people, but that wasn’t the important part. The idea was to experience something different, something that I would have never done back home, being afraid of running into someone or something like that. I had decided to be a little bit more adventurous, in order to accept myself a little bit more, to love myself more in order to live a healthier life.

So, silly me, I looked all over my luggage for the best clothes to wear. I knew it was supposed to be a naked party, but my guess was that everyone arrived clothed. So it could be nice to give the right impression from the first moment, even if things were going to change in a matter of minutes. So I chose one of my favorite shirts, matching shorts and flip-flops. I also picked the best underwear possible: they were clean, had really bright and beautiful color and could attract attention even if there was a fire in the place.

 The house was located down the road from my hotel. I neglected to realize I had to walk a long stretch of a very dark road, but I finally arrived and was kind of glad to see so many people there already. They hadn’t opened the place yet, so they were all waiting for the doors to open. I was very pleased to realize that there were so many different kinds of men: tall ones and short ones, chubby ones and athletic ones. And so on. It was very comforting to see that no matter who gave away the flyers, people would come because it was their right to have a nice time with many other different people.

 There was a large locker room, in which I was able to grab a tiny locker for my clothes. It was kind of chaotic at one point, but eventually everyone got in and had somewhere to put their things. A key was assigned to each person, corresponding to a locker, and you had to keep the key with you at all times. They asked people to never remove footwear only because it was a standard thing but it was also clarified that they did not use any glasses on the party, preferring plastic cups instead, which seemed like a better idea.

 The light in the locker room was dark but also very red, so it was hard to actually take a look at anyone. That made me feel a little bit more at ease of being in such a crowded room. But it was getting even more crowded as time went by, so I just took everything off pretty fast and locked my locker in order to move on to the main part of the event, which took place on most rooms of the house. From the outside, it looked like a typical summer beach house, but it was clear they had made some modifications in the inside.

 For instance, there was no proper kitchen. Instead, its place had been taken by a bar and some sort of snack area, each tended by a group of very attractive men. For a moment, it looked like something funny but the more time I spent there, the more comfortable it seemed. They clarified that if people wanted to have sexual intercourse, they could do it in the upper floors. The only limitation was that people had to leave their drinks in the lower level. Besides that, the porch and the beach were opened, also with restrictions.

 Up to the moment I went out to the porch, I had been walking around the lower level of the house, having some snacks and drinks. I even found myself talking to people but they would mostly leave for the upper level and I didn’t really feel ready for that. So that’s why I stepped out of the house and smoked for a bit in the porch. When I finished smoking, I decided to walk on the sand and just sit there for a while. Somehow, my brain felt filled with ideas and questions and so many things, that it made me feel tired.

 The lifeguard came down his post and walked towards a group of guys that were playing around and reminded them to keep it civilized, as drunken shenanigans were not acceptable. He seemed pretty serious so they stopped playing around and just went back to the house.

 He then turned to me and, to my surprise, he smiled. He started talking and then I answered and he sat besides me. I have no idea for how long I stayed there, talking to him. But at the end, we agreed on meeting the next day on the public beach, to talk some more and maybe have something to eat.

 I’m already looking forward to it.

My truth

   The moment I came out from the interview, I took out one my cigarettes and lit it up right there, in front of the office building. There was no one there doing the same thing, so of course people looked at me as if I was the strangest thing they had ever done, almost as if they had never even seen a human smoking in their lives. Maybe it was my clothes or the way I was standing up or maybe the fact that it was obvious I didn’t belong there. Maybe they were very good at looking through people and knowing their truth.

 I didn’t stay long to figure it out. With my cig on my mouth, I walked towards the bus stop. I didn’t really want to go back home so soon, so I wasn’t precisely running to grab the bus. I stood a bit far from the bus stop in order to finish the cigarette, as I thought of the questions they had asked me and the answers I had given. My truth right then and there was that I wanted to scream, to run away and just put my head inside a hole in the ground. I was frustrated and tired and just fed up with everything around me.

 My bus came in too fast, so I had to put off my cigarette. Luckily, the bus was not as filled up as it could have been. I was a bit pissed off that I had to pay for it, only because I knew going to that stupid interview had been a waste of time. The same thing had happened that year, once and again and again and again. Sometimes it was in places close to my home but I mostly had to travel by bus in order to just feel like an imbecile once I got to the actual interview. I had to sit there and pretend I knew shit about shit.

 Somehow, I had learned to pretend and lie in many parts of my life, but never in situations like interviews. Actually, more than not knowing how to do it, I think it was something related to not having the same mindset than the people doing the interview. I knew I wasn’t one of them. And I don’t mean it like saying I’m better or something like that. I’m certainly not better. But the point is we weren’t understanding each other because we were two very different types of people who could never connect at any level.

 That happened to me in every interview, from the moment I came out of college until today, six years later. Six years and I have never had a steady job because people won’t hire me. Maybe it’s lack of enthusiasm or maybe it’s just that I don’t have any skills or knowledge that can be applied in a “useful” job. And I live in a country were jobs are a precious thing, not really offered in every corner. And yet, some people get them and stay in them for several years or maybe all of their lives. And here I am, over thirty now, jobless and still wondering if I will ever be able to live by myself.

 As I step down the bus, a couple of blocks away from my house, I decide to take my ass to the nearest park. I have no need to hear my mother’s questions about the interview or feel how my dad looks at me knowing that I’m a complete and utter failure. No, I need to mix it up a little bit and maybe the park has exactly what I need. If I was a pothead, I would consider smoking there for a while but I cannot even have an interesting hobby like that one. I’m very boring and just sit there by myself.

 There are many guys walking dogs and old ladies also doing the same thing. I get obsessed for a while with people picking up their dogs businesses. Then, I remember why I’m there and my world just crumbles again. I feel the need to cry but I really don’t want to. I’m tired of having done that so many times in the past. It’s like I’m dried up, just too damn tired to shed one more tear into this ungrateful fucking world. I’d rather just stay put and think about something else, escape from everything once again.

 Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Why doesn’t that faggot just commit to something and start changing his ways? Why doesn’t he just become whatever it is that people are looking for in a worker? I mean, that’s what people do: they pretend to be this superhuman in order to be considered for anything from a job to a damn relationship. Fuck, even people that want to fuck each other lie about many things in order to get laid. So what’s up with this guy? Why doesn’t he just do what everybody else does and shut up?

 Well, I can’t. I physically can’t. I cannot pretend forever, I cannot work in something I despise or don’t even have an interest in. Of course I don’t have that luxury, to like what I work in. I don’t and I know that. But even in that case I just feel like I have no other option but being this sack of gas and shit that biology turned me into. I cannot just acquire all of those things that people have because it’s a case of you have it or you don’t. At least it is for me, from my point of view.

 Of course, you people are just thinking: “Who the fuck does this guy think he is? Why doesn’t he just do something, like all the rest of us do?” And the real answer to that is that I don’t have a fucking clue why I don’t do that, why I don’t just turn into someone else and become this being that everyone wants to be connected with. But I can’t. I have failed as a human male, I know that. And I’m trying to reconcile with that in a world that doesn’t give a fuck about individuals, where the group is always much more important than anything you might be feeling in your little weak head.

 When I realize it, it’s almost completely dark. The lamps on the park illuminate everything in the creepiest way and it does remind me that this city is filled with rapists, murderers, robbers and, the worst part, stupid fuckers. So I stand up and walk a few blocks towards home. I prepare in my mind phrases to tell my mother and my father. As I enter the building and press the elevator button, the sense of dread enters my soul once again. I feel awful, like crying once again, but I just don’t do it. What good will that make?

 I enter home and, as predicted, she asks me about how it went and my father looks at me over his glasses. I just say whatever thing it was that I prepared and then excuse myself because I really want to pee. And it’s true, but I also want to run away from there because I have no need to watch them look at me. I feel parents can really see through their children, even if they decide to buy the lies you tell them as their sons and daughters. Parents always know, in one way or the other, and that has always scared me.

 I enter the bathroom, close the door and pull out my penis. As I pee, I look myself at the mirror and see someone I don’t completely like. It’s not only his looks that I have always hated, but also the fact that he cannot be the person that everyone wants him to me, that he needs to be in order to survive this motherfucking world. Look at him, staring back at me with those depressing little eyes and that fucking brain that’s only filled with garbage. I can say I sometimes despise him to death.

 And his looks. He cannot even get anyone to fuck him and there is no doubt why. Never mind the tiny dick, just look at his face. He looks sick and oily, just disgusting. He finishes peeing, washes his hands in seconds and leaves. I enter my room and just fall on my bed. Again, I want to cry and scream and yell and hit and kick. But I can’t. I know nothing of the sorts will help me be whoever it is I’m supposed to be. It just won’t and I don’t know what to do next, when to just quit for good. It seems like the obvious choice.

 How many times can I stand being rejected for a job interview? For how long can I wait until I understand that no one will ever hire me to do anything? Am I resistant enough to last like this forever? Should I even keep doing that now, that I know the reality of who I am and my possibilities?

 I fall asleep and wake up in the middle of night. My mother apparently understood it all, because she didn’t wake me up or nothing. It’s four in the morning and my thoughts race through my head. I’m trying to stay in control, but sometimes it is taken from you and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Endurance

   The moment he reached the top, Finn sat down next to the yellow flag and removed his shoes. He knew that to be a stupid thing to do, because he had to go back down at some point, but his feet were hurting so much that he needed them to breathe for a while. However, he did grab the flagpole and removed it from the soil. He then opened up his backpack and put the flag there, leaving the pole outside in order to use it as a cane, in the case his feet hurt him even more as he climbed down.

 He then sat down still and enjoyed the beautiful view. The mountain was the tallest one in the vicinity and it overlooked a very deep valley filled with trees and a stream that could be heard from that summit. Birds and other animals could also be heard and seen. It was an idyllic place to be in and it wasn’t a surprise they had chosen it to be part of that year’s race. They always chose beautiful places and the flag was always in the most remote place of the area chosen for the contest. Good choices anyhow.

 Finn wiggled his toes to make blood flow through them. As he did that, he closed his eyes and raised his head at the sun. For some reason, the clouds that had been covering the area all morning had mostly dissipated and now the sun could shine and bring joy to everyone, including the race’s contestants. It was nice to feel warmth on the skin, just as it was nice to participate in such an event that made people use their physical skills but also their wit and intelligence to solve puzzles and riddles.

 The race consisted in every contestant receiving a backpack with various things. They chose the backpacks randomly and each one had different things inside. However, they all received some sort of clue in order to begin the event. It was fun to do it with friends or if you liked to compete with other people. Finn, however, loved to do it because he had fun by himself. He had no friends to invite to such a thing and he wasn’t the type to enjoy competitions. He actually thought they were only for brutes.

 But he did love to enjoy himself in the woods, by a stream or just walking up and down a mountain. The problem was that he had made too much of an effort this time and his feet were too sore to continue. The game did consist in people finding the flag but they had to come back to the area’s entrance in order to win whatever prize the organizers had. Sometimes it was some money, some other times it was something like a gift card or sunglasses or things like that. The point was that with his feet hurting so much, Finn wasn’t going to get anywhere near the entrance point. He would have to forfeit from the whole thing.

 He expected someone to at least solve the hints fast and come help him go back down from the mountain. He would give that person the flag and just say he had been just behind them. The pain was increasing slowly and he was also beginning to have these pinches on his legs. It felt as if a scorpion had walked into his pants or something. For a moment he did think that was the case but then he remembered he was in a cold climate and there were no scorpions around, for thousands of kilometers.

 The young man waited up there for an hour and then another hour. By the third one, and after finishing one of the power bars that were inside his backpack, he decided to go back down by himself. He would probably get to the entrance by night, but it was really necessary for him to just go back and rest properly or even ask if they had a nurse or a doctor in place. It wasn’t normal that his feet were hurting so much. He was used to doing these sorts of things and didn’t make any sense that he was feeling so awful.

 Putting his shoes back was not an option. He did try but it made no sense to do it, as his feet seemed to have swollen up as he waited seating down. So the trek had to be done barefoot. As the mountain was covered with small stones, it hurt like hell but he then realized there were small patches of grass on it, so he tried to walk only on top of those. There were still some stones there and his feet were making him cry and yell silently, but he continued. Finn knew very well it was always easier to go down than to go up.

 He had walked up the mountain in less than thirty minutes but it took him three times that to make it to the bottom, to the tree line. There, it was almost impossible to walk barefoot. There were too many things on the ground including leaves, branches, roots and rotten fruit that had fallen from the trees. After stepping on something that looked like blueberries, he decided it was time to be a little smarter about the whole thing. So he sat back down and looked for something to use in his backpack.

 Having found nothing that could work, he did think about ripping the flag in two and using a piece on each foot in order to walk easier or at least with much less pain. However, he decided against it because the organizers could see that as something else, as him not wanting for others to find the flag, for example. So he left it alone and decided to do what he was going to do with the flag but with his own t-shirt. He took it off, ripped it in two pieces and carefully wrapped each one around each foot, trying to make something similar to the early shoes used by cavemen.

 After this short stop, he decided to continue through the forest, walking by the river that he knew he had to cross at some point. The bad thing was he had to do it by walking on top of a gigantic tree trunk but he would only worry about it once he saw the crossing. His feet were still in deep pain but at least he wasn’t carrying any more dirt or little stones between his toes. He had to make many five second stops along the way. Not only he was in pain but he was also getting very tired of the whole day.

 He heard wolves and birds and even something that seemed to be a board in the distance. That’s what made him fall in love with the whole thing: he loved nature and how free one could feel in it. The forest always felt alive and thriving, it always seemed there were many possibilities for it to move on and keep being that awesome place were everything felt so far away and where everyone seemed to be on the same level. It was almost an utopic place to be in, even if it was only for a couple of hours.

 But, by the time Finn got to the tree trunk, the sun had almost completely disappeared from the sky. He tried to move faster, climbing the trunk as fast as he could in order to cross over the river. After all, the entrance was not that far from that place and he could easily push himself to the limit in order to get there and finish the whole thing for the day. He was even thinking that he might miss the next one, just to have a bit of a rest.

 Climbing the trunk wasn’t easy and it took him various attempts to finally make it on top. Once there, he tried to modulate his breathing in order to cross in one go, not stopping at all. One, then two deep breaths and then he went. He was more than halfway through when one of his feet got a cramp and he lost his stability. In moments, Finn slipped from the tree trunk and fell straight into the water. The backpack’s weight pulled Finn down, who was in shock for the first few moments of the incident.

 However, he then tried to pull himself out but the only thing he was doing was fight a force he wasn’t able to submit. His feet were useless so his legs couldn’t propel him properly to the top. He started panicking, knowing he could not hold a long time underwater. He had never been good at that.

 Then, he felt something pull him out. He was dragged off the water and then over the grass on the other side. The sensation went away but he couldn’t see anything, as he felt he could not properly move. Then, the face of a young man such as himself appeared in front of him, all drenched in water. He smiled.