Mostrando las entradas con la etiqueta existence. Mostrar todas las entradas
Mostrando las entradas con la etiqueta existence. Mostrar todas las entradas

viernes, 15 de diciembre de 2017

Resistance and downfall

   When the dust settled, there was nothing to rally behind of, nothing to support us another day, not a rock or a person. There was nothing. When they blew it up, they destroyed everything we had believed in for so long. It was a strike deep in our hearts, resonating thousand of kilometers in every direction, where many others would also feel that hope had died and darkness had descended upon us to stay. We were in such disbelief, that they took advantage of our pain to come and destroy us.

 Those men and women were not the kind to take prisoners or to torture. They just killed every single person that tried anything against them and they had the best memory to ensure they would never forget how someone had wronged them. And that was what we had done. They had been the predominant power in the universe and we had tried to take them down, we had tried to stop them from making us penetrate into the abyss they wanted everyone to be in and they didn’t like us doing that.

 For a time, before all of this happened, we lived a life of relative peace and quiet. It would be a lie to day we all lived in harmony, because we didn’t. We just didn’t find interesting to disrupt someone else’s existence, unless it threatened our own. Our existence was not an easy one but we tried to make ends meet by using our wit and ability to cope with every single human thing that tried to tie our hands and prevents us from going forward. Maybe that’s how it started.

 At first, they were only a handful of people, but it started to grow exponentially when they made it into the media, into the information channels that every single intelligent creature used. You have to grant it to them: they used that in their best advantage and soon enough they rallied hundreds, then thousand of people in order to do what they wanted. It was one of those things you ignore at first but then they become so overwhelming and obvious, that you cannot just turn your head away.

 They started with fights and then with proper skirmishes. Now, we battle every so often with heavy artillery and our uniforms on, trying to change the tide one-way or the other. It has to be confessed that it doesn’t really seem to be working in anyone’s favor. We seemed to have stalled and it doesn’t seem like any of the sides knows where to look for the next step. However, with the destruction of our most sacred site, things will change in a new way, one that we haven’t yet seen and it’s very scary. Maybe they knew what to do all along and we were just pieces of a game.

 Being a prisoner is bad, of course, but we would prefer that option against the real one, the only one they give us: death. Facing that is not easy for all of us. Some have already decided they want to embrace it but others are too young or too afraid to actually walk into a battlefield and decide to die. So, when we were caught off guard by the destruction of our temple, they killed a big bunch of us but others ran towards the granite hills and hid there, moving through caves, trying to live another day.

 They eventually left, feeling there was no use in finding every single one of us to be killed. It’s obvious they realized that, without food, we wouldn’t be able to survive for long. And even if we did, such a small group of people had no power to overthrow the power hungry machine they had become. They were virtually unstoppable now and every other living being knew what they had to do in order to survive, and no other person could say anything about it, because we all wanted to keep living.

 The caves became our home and, as time passed, we were able to go outside and harvest foods we had never eaten before but we had to learn to enjoy them, for our sake. Many people had learned to grow other foods there and they also found water. In time, we had a small community that seemed to go unnoticed by the rest of existence. For a time, again, we were happy and we thought everything had gone back to what it was. We thought that, maybe, we had been given another chance.

 However, that was not the case. We were awaken one morning by the sounds of heavy artillery and then came the bombs. Our population was still small so two or three bombs easily killed most of our people. Those who weren’t killed, we tried to push them off for a while, in order to let others escape or maybe we thought someone was coming to the rescue, which didn’t make any sense at all. In time, they came through and the rest of our little group was almost completely destroyed.

 The only person that remained was I. Their leader in person came down to meet me and force me to bend the knee and sweat loyalty to him. He knew, very well, that it had been me who had started this whole thing; it had been my fault that so many brave men and women were now dead. It was my fault that our world had sunken into a deep darkness that would never go away. He knew how bad I felt about it all and he had come to make me say it out loud, not only to him but also to every other soldier on his side to hear. Because they had been on my side once.

 I did. I confessed my crimes and tried hard to redeem myself by asking forgiveness. But I didn’t ask him to forgive me; I did not ask that to his soldiers either. I was telling that to my people, to the ones that had been beside me for a long time and now they had paid with their lives. They had entrusted me with their faith and their lives and I hadn’t been able to correspond in any way, I had just grabbed their lives and used them as cards one uses in a cheap and lousy game of chance.

 As I cried, the man that had become the leader of the new world came to me, gave me his hand and carried me into his vessel. Inside, I was put on chains and treated like an animal, even worse. I was done and I wanted death to be forced upon me, but it seemed like he had finally realized that just death is not punishment enough. He wanted me to really need death, he wanted me to beg for it every single day of my life and he would be able to deny me that privilege.

 In time, I became something you cannot call a human anymore. I was much less than that. I was a shadow of everything mankind had ever amounted to. I just sat on my corner, in a dark cell, and thought about every single thing that had ever happened before my very eyes. There were happy moments but mostly fear and dread. I was haunted by the remains of the people I had failed to and the ones I had lead to their deaths. They blamed me and I could never disagree with them.

 I became increasingly weak and feeble, even to the point my mind started to go a little bit. The leader would come sometimes and watch me, ask me questions or just stare, as a disgusted costumer looks at a circus freak. He knew I wanted death and he would still deny it. There was something inside of him, something that remained from the past and seemed to be buried deep within him, some kind of grudge or maybe it was something completely different. I never really knew.

 Our vessel was destroyed one day, by armies that had been hiding and resisting the darkness that had befallen on the world. They had rallied, in silence, and their moment to attack had come in the exact moment I had been finally granted my death.

 I died anyway, but it was a different thing altogether. It was better. After all, it was them that needed to take revenge on me, after I had almost destroyed everything that they had tried to build. I had been the killer of their families and friends. So it was fair, in the end of the day, for them to kill me.

lunes, 12 de junio de 2017


Rain falls. That's what it does. But it doesn't do it always in the same way. Sometimes, rain feels almost extraterrestrial, as it fell not from the sky, but from some awful place, far in space. Other times, you would think it comes from a land made of candy, created for children or for people that love a nice piece of heaven in their mouths. Wherever it comes from, rain is one of those things that makes us feel truly alive, specially when it rolls down our faces and bodies.
Rain is water but it can also burn when the body it touches is not pure, full of guilt and all those pathetic human feelings that fester inside brain and heart. Water cannot wash way all of our evil. It's not acid, even when it feels like it. Some cannot feel all of its properties. There are people that could swim for hours and never feel clean, not truly. Hot or cold, the liquid is not enough to wash away everything that is wrong with the human soul, and humankind in general. People won't be saved.
Rain won't do It and nothing else will. On other worlds, it rains gasoline and diamonds. So we all have that in common: things will Jeep falling on our heads, no matter what we think about the universe. The brain might have an understanding of how mostly everything works but when we're all dead, that won't matter. Water will still be water and gasoline will keep falling from the sky unto someone else's head. And it won't matter if we were here, if we attempted to understand this place or not.
Rain won't care. Nothing will. Because we don't want to understand that se are all here for a little while. We were given some seconds on the clock of existence and that time will run out. No matter how much we try, we won't be here forever and our existence will leave no trace. No wonder or creation made by our hands will remain to tell our story. This scares us more than we want to admit, but that's how it works, no Gods in question. One moment we are here, the next we're not.
Rain, however, will stay. Until the very end.

domingo, 15 de febrero de 2015


   I was like a ghost or something less significant. People were not able to walk through me but they certainly couldn’t see me. They didn’t acknowledge my presence and even if I shouted loud and clear, they wouldn’t even turn to look at me with disgust. Nothing. All my fears have come to pass although, to be honest, this hadn’t been different from the actual truth. Daily, I felt ignored. Maybe that was it…

 Late one night, tired of being overlooked by everyone and for everything, I decided to wish for a life of being absolutely invisible. I had no urge to become suddenly popular because that had never been true and I would feel just out of place if that had happened. I would have known, very fast, that people were lying or at least trying to deceit me to get something from me or to mock me. No, no popularity for me.

 I wished to be invisible, in order to feel actually free from everything that had to do with people. But clearly, I had made a mistake or hadn’t been clear enough about my desires. I just wanted to be able to ignore people, to not feel bad if they looked at me funny or if they said hurtful things. But I believe the word invisible may have been a little too literal. Now, I was a half-ghost or maybe just transparent.

 Somehow, I woke up at school like that and it was very effective as no one looked at me, not for talking nor looking. They just couldn’t see me. The sun outside those buildings, that seemed like the ones from a psychiatric hospital, was shining very bright but it felt cold or at least I didn’t feel any warmth or comfort if I got any close to the windows. I made a couple of people trip and fall, which was funny, but by the fifth time, it had lost all its interest.

 I went down to the cafeteria were I stole some food and ate it but it was simply disgusting. Food, in this state, had no flavor whatsoever. It seemed like chewing cardboard or plain paper. When I got sick of it, I spent most of lunchtime hearing other people conversations. That was fun because; as they had no idea I was there, they would say anything and I found out about some big secrets about people.

 But thinking of it, most of them were obvious secrets. They were only teenagers at the end of the day; they had nothing of real interest to hide. They hadn’t stole anything significant, although some had taken iPods and cellphones from their fellow student’s backpacks. They hadn’t had any crazy relationships either. They were really dull to be honest. Yes, some girls were not virgins any more but that I could have known without my transparence.

 In order to have some fun, I went down to the school’s coliseum and saw several of the guys I really liked play football. But that got too old very fast, as I had no idea what there were doing all the time. I was almost asleep when they all entered the showers. That was the moment I was waiting for so I went behind them and saw them got naked which was the first nice and fun aspect of being practically invisible.

 I could see a lot of behind and penises and their wet bodies as they went out the showers. I loved it to be honest. But it was kind of a disappointing to know that, except a couple, all the rest really look like kids still. No body hair, no big anything anywhere, not even a stubble. I don’t know why I had thought of those though “sports guys” as men when they were clearly not men still. Some of them were really cute but that was it. Besides, like I had a chance with any of them!

 I decided to leave the school and walk home. That would be fun or at least it would be distracting. I had no idea how much time the wish would last so it seemed like a good idea to explore all the possibilities before the effect of the magic was worn out. My house wasn’t too close, nor too far so a good walk was perfect at that moment. As I started to walk I felt, for the first time, I cold rush through my spine. It felt as if icy cold-water travel all the length of my body and it didn’t feel good.

 The best thing to do was to step up the pace and get going. On the sidewalks, as on the school, no one looked at me. I thought they had at various moments but it was because too many people were around me and it was obvious they all couldn’t be seen the same things around. Some people look down as they walked and others looked up, as if checking the rooftops of the nearby buildings.

 Again, I stole things from various stores I crossed along the way: a necklace for mom, a ring for my sister, a videogame for my brother and a nice vest for my father. I held this in various bags and, although it looked as if the bags were floating, no one seamed interested in them nor, again, in me. Maybe, I thought, the spell hadn’t been put on me but rather on everyone else. Maybe it was about them not been able to see me and not me having gone invisible or transparent.

Any which way, it didn’t mattered. I just hoped, for the first time during the day that it wore off rapidly. I didn’t want this anymore. I’d rather be insulted or mocked that altogether ignored. Besides, watching all of those kids and hearing what they had to say when they were with “friends”, I realized they were all just children, all equally scared to death of everyone else. That’s why they say so many mean things. I won’t say they are not to blame but now I can say I understand them.

 When I got home, I left all the gifts on the living room sofa and screamed my family member’s names but, apparently, they were not there. That was very strange as my mother rarely left the house and my brother had to be there from school already. I turned on the TV and watched some cooking show for the mean time but eventually I felt asleep. The day had left me tired and a bit dizzy.

 I woke up to the sound of people cheering and laughing. My family was all reunited, sitting by the table, having what looked like a really nice dinner. They were all so happy, smiling and telling joked and anecdotes about their days. I noticed they couldn’t see me either because I said their names but none responded. I got closer and realized something was off: we normally had a big table, with six spots on it. But this one was round, not rectangular, and was only four seats. Mine was missing.

 I also realized that the gifts I had brought were nowhere to be seen. They seemed to have vanished during my nap. They kept on talking and I got desperate. I shook them and yelled and scream and threw plates and other things to the floor. But hey remained the same: just happy, having dinner. Maybe… maybe that was it.

 Checking my theory, I walked down the only aisle and I noticed my room was missing. Nothing was there; the change was that the remaining rooms were larger. It was as if I had never existed and that was what I was afraid of. What if I wasn’t transparent or invisible? That it wasn’t that people couldn’t see me or just plainly ignored me. What if I had just never been born?

 Maybe that was the way the wish had been misunderstood. I wanted to be invisible to everyone else and what best way to be invisible that to have never been visible, ever? This was too shocking for me and then, again, the icy feeling ran through my body but this time it felt so much stronger. So much that I collapsed on the floor, unable to stand or to keep moving. Besides, I didn’t want to keep moving. I was too hurt.

 I closed my eyes but I didn’t sleep. It was like closing your eyes to encounter a foul dark world behind them, were I kept falling through holes and rings and colors surrounded me everywhere. My mind felt like exploding and my body was still numb. I was only a witness of it all, not capable to do anything to stop myself from falling.

 That was until I opened my eyes again and realized I had been in my bed all the time. I felt my body and the bed sheets and my pillow, impregnated with my smell. It was real. I was real. I was somebody and no one could ever take that away from me.