I took off my clothes and just tossed them
to one side, on the sand. The wind was chilly and every single hair on my skin
rose because of the cold. But I didn’t put anything back on. I left the clothes
there to be carried by the water later on. There was no point in hiding them
anywhere or trying for them not to get wet. The truth was I didn’t care anymore
about anything and I still don’t. I didn’t even looked back when I started
walking, looking at the rocks far on the other side of the beach.
The water washed my feet, as if a thousand
knives stabbed me slowly. It hurt, of course, but I knew that was going to
happen and my body was getting ready for it. I was so tired of everything, of
people and life and everything surrounding it. I just wanted to walk the beach,
the only place that could relax my mind. Eventually, I would have to get into
the ocean and breath in some salt water. But I didn’t know when that would be
happening. It was better to take it one step at a time.
Pembelton Beach was far from any settlement.
There where some houses close by but it would take them at least fifteen
minutes to get to me if they realized I was there, my some miracle. All the
details had being chosen carefully. I didn’t want anyone to stop me from being
free, at least once in my life. I had felt imprisoned from day one, from the
first moment I realized life was just this unfair list of things happening to a
mere body, an essence that has nothing to do with anything else.
Society failed me. Or maybe I was the one who
failed society. Anyway, we were not meant to be together. I had always felt
strange in social situations, such as parties and crowds. The “odd one”, was my
nickname back in high school. People thought I didn’t know that but I knew, I
heard every word that they attempted for me not to hear. They didn’t have the
balls to say it to my face. I would have preferred that. And it was the same in
college and in other contexts.
To be fair, I have to say that university was
the best place for me because I could be whoever I was without really caring
about others. I had what you would call friends but they are not around anymore
and I don’t blame them. Or maybe I do blame them but, what’s that good for?
People have excuses for everything and I have run tired of listening to them.
As I said before, I don’t care anymore. Not at all. I just want to move on to
something else, whatever that may be. Does it sound tragic and melodramatic? As
you might guess, I don’t care.
After the first twenty minutes, the cold water
started feeling less painful, as well as the wind. I stopped crossing my arms
over my chest and I just held them to the side. The ocean was getting more and
more violent, as a storm was clearly coming from deep into the open ocean. The
clouds had rapidly turned from white to almost black. And I could even see some
thunders far into the sea. It was beautiful in a way. It seemed everything I
felt was being reflected by the weather.
I would have wanted rain to come faster but it
didn’t seem to want to downpour just yet, so I walked on. I remembered many
other times in my life when rain had been a factor. When being stood up by
someone or just staying home safe, as it was the only place I could really feel
protected. I lived with my parents, of course. I still do, in a way. The point
is I felt taken care of because they were there and because I knew there was no
other way for me. I can hear you think…
Love was always a really weird thing for me.
To be honest, I don’t think it exists. I never did. I did see some traces of it
in other people’s lives but maybe it was something else. Maybe it’s just that
people are too afraid to be alone and they just cheat themselves into having a
relationship that they think it’s based on love, when in reality they just have
a very basic human need to feel someone else close by, to feel someone else’s
warmth. Of course, I felt that too. Not that it mattered.
The sand on Pemberton Beach is very black,
probably because of the ancient volcanic origin of the region. The big boulders
scattered all over are also dark, doubling as a home for many sea creatures. As
I walked down the natural path, I saw several crabs, in various sizes. Those
small creatures made me think that life may not be as complicated as I think it
is. However, they free of our society, our brains that torture us every day
with things that will never happen to us.
Someone once asked me what my dream for the
future was. It happened on a job interview and it kind of shocked me. Not only
because dreams are not something I have, but also because the question was
asked in singular, as if most people had only one dream. Maybe they meant work
wise but I just couldn’t answer the question. And I have never being good at
lying, so I told the man I didn’t have dreams for the future, only hopes. For a
future where I could be free, truly free. Of course, the man ended the
interview there and I never heard from that company again.
I went to several interviews and I applied to
so many jobs. That ended recently, when I finally got a menial job at a company
handling papers and getting coffee. After so many millions spent and time
wasted, I ended up being the guy they ask for more milk or sugar or those
stupid stick to stir up the coffee. You can guess I wasn’t very happy with it
and that’s why I left it last week and came to this beach. My parents were
disappointed but there was no other way.
Begging was involved in getting the money for
this trip but they eventually gave it to me, after promises it would be just
for a weekend and that I would help them by looking at some houses for them to
buy. They want a house by the beach to spend their elder years. With that
excuse I travelled here yesterday and now I’m naked on a beach, far from any
other human being that could intervene at what I’m going to do. That’s exactly
how I planned it, many months ago.
Because this idea had been around my head for
a long time. It had appeared first when I was in school and many times more
until now. The difference is I can finally do it now because I didn’t feel any
remorse. I just felt I had to do it and I didn’t care about anything else.
There was no other way right then and I did not want to listen to long speeches
about people who cared about me, or wanted me stay around. If they did, they
would have been around. My parents, they were prepared, or so I thought.
Pain is always harder at first, that’s always
the case. They knew how to handle it and had other children, which helps. As I
entered the ocean, after a long walk, I realized it was the right moment to do
it. I felt happy for the first time in a long time because I knew I was doing
the right thing. I was finally doing something that made sense. My life was
explained to me in those last moments and I realized it served a purpose. But
that’s a long explanation, and I’m tired now.
My body was drowned in just a few minutes. It
is one of the most horrible deaths but I did it exactly as I had researched it.
Big gulps and avoid moving too much. It worked exactly as it was supposed to. I
was washed ashore the next day, when they discovered me.
Now, I’m at peace. I’m finally free at there
is no way someone can convince me I didn’t do the right thing. What was my function
in life, if not ending up here? I wasn’t good alive, I was a waste of space and
matter. Now, I’m finally who I was supposed to be.
