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viernes, 30 de marzo de 2018

Santa semana


   Nunca hacemos nada en vacaciones. La respuesta simple es que no tenemos dinero para gastar aquí y allá. Escasamente compramos ropa, obviamente no vamos a tener muchos ahorros para viajar, así sea una distancia corta. De todas maneras, no tenemos coche y eso ayudaría bastante para un viaje de fin de semana o de al menos un día. Pero tampoco tenemos el dinero para estar yendo a una gasolinera una vez por semana. Somos una pareja que gana poco por cada lado y lo que juntamos apenas alcanza.

 Por fortuna, estamos juntos. En un país frío de clima y corazón como este, es bueno que al menos podamos sentarnos juntos en un parque y tomarnos de la mano sin que nadie se atreva a decir nada. Claro que lo piensan y nos lanzan miradas que dicen mucho más de lo que sus bocas jamás podrían decir, pero creo que la mayoría de las veces ignoramos todo eso. Lo llamamos ruido de fondo, así no sea en realidad ruido. Son solo partículas que habitan el mundo con nosotros o eso tratamos de pensar.

 En una semana como esta, en la que media ciudad sale de ella para ir a inundar otros lugares con gritos y alcohol, nosotros nos quedamos aquí y disfrutamos de los pocos ahorros que tenemos. Hace unos días fuimos al supermercado y compramos pescado para comer al menos tres días. Esto puede no sonar muy especial, pero la cosa es que nunca comemos nada que provenga del mar. Y no es por convicciones ambientales ni nada de eso sino porque no lo podemos pagar. Los precios a veces son exorbitantes.

 Pero esta es la semana perfecta para comprar frutos del mar y aprovechamos tanto como podemos. Martín, mi esposo, trabaja como ayudante de cocina en un restaurante peruano, así que ha hecho bastante cosas con comida de mar. Siempre le pone mucha atención al chef para imitar sus técnicas en casa. Claro que no siempre puede comprar los ingredientes que sí tienen en el restaurante, como azafrán o ají rocoto, pero los reemplaza por otros no tan caros y por eso sé que esta semana tendrá comida perfecta.

 Es gracioso, pero yo conocí a Martín un día que fui al restaurante. No, no iba a comer. En ese entonces era apenas un mensajero en una compañía de renombre que me pagaba cualquier porquería por hacer vueltas por toda la ciudad. Iba y venía en buses y taxis, gastando la plata que no tenía para conservar un trabajo que quería mandar a la mierda. Pero no lo hacía porque sabía que necesitaba al menos ese miserable pago para ayudar en casa y para poder comprar un par de pantalones en diciembre. Yendo a entregar un sobre urgente para un pez gordo, fue como llegué a ese restaurante.

 Me sentí como pez fuera del agua y creo que el tipo que estaba en la entrada lo notó enseguida porque me hizo seguir por la puerta trasera, que en ese momento estaba casi bloqueada por cajas y cajas de pescado congelado que estaban metiendo lentamente en un refrigerador del tamaño de mi casa. Fue allí cuando vi sus ojos claros, de un color miel muy hermoso, por primera vez. Me sonrió y creo que en ese momento perdí el sentido de donde estaba y porqué estaba allí. Alguien me codeó sin querer y volví en mí.

 Entre en el restaurante y le pedí al jefe de meseros que entregara el sobre, que era de vida o muerto o al menos eso me habían dicho. Pero el tipo no me hacía caso. Fue Martín el que tomó el sobre de mis manos, se quitó el delantal y el sombrero, y fue directo a la mesa correcta y entregó el sobre en segundos. Cuando volvió a la cocina, el jefe de meseros amenazó con echarlo por su insolencia pero esta vez fui yo el que hice algo: le dije para que empresa trabajaba y quién era el tipo de la mesa.

 El jefe de meseros no dijo una palabra más, solo desapareció y nos dejó casi solos. Otra vez Martín me sonrió y esta vez yo hice lo mismo. Hablamos un par de segundos, no recuerdo de qué. Supongo que fui mucho más atrevido de lo normal porque esa noche llamé al restaurante y pregunté por él. Sabía su nombre porque lo tenía cosido en el delantal. No pudimos hablar mucho pero me dio su número de celular y allí fue que todo esto empezó. Dos años después, vivimos juntos, pobres pero felices.

 De estos días en los que no hay trabajo me encanta despertar todos los días tarde y acostado junto a él. A veces yo me despierto sobre su pecho, otras veces es al revés. Algunas veces estoy yo abrazándolo por detrás y otras veces cambiamos de posición. Obviamente también pasa que amanecemos separados, porque nuestra vida no es una película cursi en la que nos necesitemos cada segundo. Pero tengo que decir que todo es más fácil cuando él está cerca, hace mi vida un poco más soportable.

 Algo que jamás nos ha gustado es que nuestras familias nos inviten a algún tipo de comida o evento familiar por estas fechas. No somos precisamente religiosos pero a ellos eso poco les importa. Ambas familias son de esas en las que la cantidad es algo primordial. Para ellos, entre más personas estén en su casa y más comida puedan proporcionar, querrá decir que han tenido éxito como anfitriones y como familia. Por eso jamás podemos decir que no. Un día toca con unos y el otro día con otros y siempre hay cosas buenas y siempre hay cosas malas, como con todas las familias.

 Con la mía, el principal problema es el rechazo. No lo hacen ya pero ha quedado el rastro de esa actitud y es algo difícil de borrar. Por mucho tiempo quisieron negar que yo era homosexual, e incluso cuando tuve el valor de presentarles a mi primer novio, ellos lo negaron por completo y me prohibieron traer a nadie más a la casa. Tampoco tenía permitido hablar del tema y todo se cerró bajo un velo de censura que permaneció por mucho tiempo, casi hasta que decidí salir de allí para vivir con Martín.

 Fue mucho después que nos invitaron, para una cena similar a la de esta semana santa. Y la verdad fue que todos se comportaron bastante bien. Lo único que molestaba eran los comentarios “sueltos” que a veces hacían, como chistes malos sobre dos hombres viviendo juntos o el hecho de que aunque me querían a mi, seguían rechazando a los demás como yo. Ese tono se acentuaba con personas de mayor edad y creo que por eso evitamos casi siempre quedarnos demasiado. No queremos darles cuerda.

 Con su familia, el problema es diferente. Su madre dice, y lo repite varias veces si uno le pone atención, que desde que era pequeñito supo que Martín era homosexual. Y como su padre, ella lo aceptó desde el comienzo. Debo decir que sentí envidia cuando me contaban del primer novio de Martín, que era casi como un hijo para ellos. En los viejos álbumes de fotos había varias tomas de él y, debo decir, que era un chico bastante guapo. Me hacía dudar un poco de mí y por eso siempre tenía excusas para no volver a ver las dichosas fotos.

 El caso es que la madre de Martín siempre que vamos insiste en que formemos una familia. Nos cuenta como ha averiguado por internet acerca de las adopciones y de las formas en las que se le puede hablar de los niños acerca de tener dos papás. Desde que la conozco ha sido su tema de conversación principal. De pronto es porque Martín es el mayor y quiere tener nietos pronto, pero la verdad es que puede llegar a cansar ese tipo de presión. Pero tengo que aceptar que prefiero eso a mi familia.

 Supongo que así somos todos en estas épocas y en la vida en general. Como dicen por ahí, el pasto siempre se ve más verde del otro lado de la cerca y por eso no me niego nunca a ir casa de su familia, si él quiere, pero ir a mi casa de infancia siempre es un viaje a muchos niveles.

 El caso es que mi momento favorito nunca es fuera de casa, sino adentro de nuestro pequeño apartamento, en nuestra cama al lado de la ventana en la que nos acostamos juntos y nos besamos y nos abrazamos sin tener que decir nada. Esos son los mejores momentos para mí, en esta o en cualquier semana.

lunes, 18 de abril de 2016

You and all of us

   Who are you? Or rather, who do you think you are?

 You have been going around your life thinking what the purpose of everything is and you discover that purpose is not something that exists out of the blue; it is something you have to create and make yours. But you my friend, you are someone else. Possibly, you’re very far. Maybe you speak a very different language and have radically different traditions. Or is it the opposite? Are you so close it’s ridiculous life hasn’t made the connection yet?

 You’re probably sleeping now and it’s easy to picture you: your soft skin and beautiful legs lying on a bed. Your body has pushed away all covers and blankets because in the cold you will warm and when it’s really hot you dare to say it’s cool. Physically you have been so different so many times but the reality is you’re probably unique and absolutely different to what has been imagined now and before.

 Hopefully, you have a job and you like it. Or is that the problem? Is that why you haven’t arrived yet? Have you been delayed because you prefer to solve your more important problems first, rather than looking for love or whatever it is this could turn into? You probably have a nice head on those shoulders and have your priorities in order. Yet, it is possible you are a bigger mess than what happens here. That could be good… Or very bad.

 It’s very confusing and unnerving because you are the one. That’s it, really. You are the one that’s going to change someone else’s life and it’s hard to see how you’re supposed to be doing that. After all, you’re a human, you’re no superhero or god, and you cannot make extraordinary things happen. Or at least not the kind that shifts life from one side to the other, from up to down, from left to right. But you possibly know how to make changes.

 Yes. If you are the one you probably know how your make your voice be heard and make changes in your life that are permanent and powerful. This is clear because that’s the kind of person “the one” needs to be. Someone with a certain drive, a certain push in life that matches someone else’s drive and thrust. Because it’s not about one leading the other but about two people going hand by hand.

 It’s scary, but all of it could maybe not be love at all or at least not the kind of love one would expect. It would be hard if you were just a friend or maybe even less than that but if you are the one, then that probably doesn’t really matter. What matters is the change that you can bring, the energy you can balance with someone else. Romantic love is, after all, an illusion in most cases and, always, a distraction.

But then, what if you are that prince in a shining armor? It is so much fun to picture you, especially because you could be anyone. Maybe you are that guy in the supermarket that always stares for hours at all the cereal boxes. Or maybe you are the kind of man that loves car and football matches whenever they take place. Or you could even be from a different world, a different level in the social sphere. It could happen.

 But, do you know what you definitely are? Well, a possibility. Everyone is a possibility because we could all be that person that changes the life of one of the others in the world. It’s kind of a lottery when you know you’ve won but not how much and the prize can take its time to reach you. You could even lose in that lottery but that would be kind of impossible… Wouldn’t it be? Losing at life sounds to hard and harsh and just unfair. No, you win every time but in different ways, that’s one happens.

 Are you awake now? Are your eyes looking at a teacher in class, trying to follow what he’s talking about and you're not interested? Or are you alone, in a place very far from any other people? Maybe you like sports and you have your mind and body up to that task. Hopefully, you are a person that likes order and having everything neat and well put. If you’re not, it could prove difficult to be around you.

 But, it is important to know what kind of person you are, which thing you like doing and what makes you whole. Because even if you are the one, you are only complete when you are a whole other person. The kind of people that make a couple work as only one person, that’s not good because it doesn’t really make any sense. A couple is supposed to be about two, about differences and even about fights and disagreements, because the world is not perfect and that’s beautiful.

 So, what are your flaws? What do you think about yourself? Do you like your body or is there something that makes you look away from the mirror? All of that also makes you unique, one of a kind. It would be nice to tell you that you are perfect every single day, that that little thing you don’t like doesn’t matter at all because the larger picture is just the best there is. That would be the best.

 Imagining your skin is probably the most difficult thing. It’s probably soft and has a nice smell but when you haven’t touched or done something, it’s very hard to picture with accuracy. Like when you dream: most times you can only do there what you have actually done in real life. Except maybe flying, which is a mix of falling and just being in bed.

 It’s a little embarrassing but it’s probable you have done it too: picture the moment when you and your one meet and you two can finally be together. You can touch his naked body and he can touch yours and you can kiss and have sex like you have never had it before. Because that’s the expectation, don’t you agree? The idea is that that person makes the difference between having sex and making love. Hopefully you get to feel what that’s like and cherish it for the time you have it.

 That’s another thing. As humans we have an expiration date, which we don’t even know. So we cannot be around forever looking for that other person, we’re here for a while and then we just leave. So we really have to take advantage of everything we can do and just do it, unless it harms someone else. But if you really want to do something that makes you happy, just do it. Whoever turns out to be your companion, will love you being happy of course.

 Maybe you’re now on a beach, feeling the sand between your toes. Maybe your skin is darker or maybe lighter. Maybe your eyes are the color of hazelnuts or maybe the color of water or the color of grass. You are probably very “average”, whatever that is. But all of that doesn’t matter because it’s just the surface. Your are that but there’s so much more underneath, like a human iceberg if you will.

 The one could come in any shape or form and you probably enjoy him or her anyway. Because you won’t even have to think about it that much. The idea is that it just happens, in time and eventually. Maybe not magically and suddenly like in movies but it certainly builds up to something strong and stable but you won’t be able to see it until it is there, until it’s a reality and you notice it happened.

 That sounds a bit scary but it shouldn’t really be. That’s how life works in any case and it has been like that for many thousands of years and will keep the same way for other thousands. We just have to accept that special feeling, that kind of magic that happens in the moment. But mostly, we have to have patience and realize that life has ways to do things and that not everything works for everyone. Efforts to achieve a goal always have different results for different people.


 In any case, you’re there. You’re all there. And you will meet one day because that’s the most probable outcome. And you will get used to one another and when you realize, you will have what you always wanted. You will have picked up the last piece of the whole puzzle that is you. But that piece needs all the other pieces, or most of them, to work correctly. Never forget that.

lunes, 7 de septiembre de 2015

Not unique

   It’s amazing how sometimes you can torture yourself with so many stupid little things. I guess we want life to be so controlled, so perfect and calm that anything that poses a challenge or a sudden change makes us nervous. I personally don’t like people who say, “I like challenges” because no human with a proper brain would like to be proven wrong. What people that say that phrase mean is that they are not afraid of confronting themselves, but that doesn’t mean they are going to conquer their fears, it only mean they are going to face them. Fear is something very relative, almost having a world of its own. When you say you’re scared at night in a dark street, it is not the same fear that I experience when looking at a spider, even if it is on a TV screen.

 Anyway, we tend to make everything so big, so scary just to tell ourselves we can overcome it. Problems and dilemmas are now, at least in appearance, more stupid than ever before. I mean, people think it’s a problem to have fat on their bodies or to dress one way to a formal event and not the other way. These are dumb examples but they are the truth. People now have put their challenges at the same height of their apparent skills of when solving problems and facing life. They are so afraid of anything than even putting on a skirt or jeans is a life threatening decision. The idea behind this is that people face smaller problems, challenges, than they would usually do, avoiding the larger ones almost always. But when life comes and surprises them, they turn it into a drama only they can understand.

 Now that’s stupid. We are humans, a species that is quite abundant in the world, so thinking only one of us has experienced something that others haven’t, and it borders madness. We have a really big problem realizing that we are not unique; we are not as special as we have led ourselves to believe. The truth is, and always will be, that we are animals and, as such, our lives and pretty similar, no one really standing out. What makes humans stand out is the society and the rules we have built ourselves. It is not through nature that someone takes power over others or experiences a life of riches and others experience poverty. It is through the human condition, which can always change, at any time.

 Let’s say someone is born into a rich family. We would think that said person has been a very lucky one as money guarantees many things in life that, in any other way, you wouldn’t get. It wasn’t nature that gave that person’s parents’ money, it was the society they live in. And that same society can turn the tables on that family and make them poor, make them starve an d know what it is to have nothing on your stomach for four days in a row. It isn’t nature that took it all away from them, it was Man. In nature we are nothing too special but in society we can be the best or the worst, depending on how we play the game.

 Now, what does this have to do with those things that torture us everyday? Well, society made those too. They made us be aware of things we do not really need to be aware with. Like the economy, some other things are meaningless in a real way. We have created them as humans, and they can be easily replaced at any time. That’s what has happened with the technological revolution, where one device is replaced by the next with the simplest of decisions. And, by the way, those decisions are never taken by only one man or one woman. They are taken by a group, no matter the size, and that’s what changes things. That’s why there are no more beepers and only smartphones, that’s why we want to control every person’s move and thought these days.

 The things that torture us have often much to do with those things we still can control. It’s funny but even if we think we have no control over something, we always do if it has been created by mankind. We cannot cure cancer and we cannot make a storm at will but we can make human things go our way. How do you think some people rob banks or create them? It doesn’t matter which one is it because the trick is that we can do whatever we want with it only because it has been created by us. We can always change things that we have done; it is only what happens beyond humanity that simply cannot touch.

 That said, we have done many great things, we have advanced in our evolution and have even forced a bit forward. That’s the most significant relation on how we have affected nature but we still cannot control that evolution. If we could, we would already have people living in other planets and on the bottom of the ocean. But we haven’t because we are still severely limited by nothing other than ourselves. The only way we can achieve these things it’s by reorganizing the world we have and creating new technology based on us. Because that’s what we have been doing for some time and what we will keep doing for a long while. Of course, not all of us are going to participate because evolution doesn’t need all of us but it does need a group.

 The realization that we are left behind is a great worry among humanity. It is practically the same than knowing you are alone, although you’re not ever really alone. We just feel that way precisely because we have been led to believe we are special, when we are not. It is true that our intelligence and ability to solve problems is quite remarkable but it is quite impossible for it to be unique. If other intelligent life exists in our cosmos, we wouldn’t be special at all and we are not now because it isn’t something of a single specimen but of a whole species. The fact that we are so many, makes us less special.

 But our numbers make us prone to surviving, even if we don’t really have that in us. Because not many people have real survival skills but the fact that we are so many, like ants, makes us difficult to eradicate unless a proper way to destroy us was invented. And it has, by us. There are artificial diseases and weapons that could destroy every single human on the planet and it would only take a few seconds. It would only involve the decision of one person, not even a group, to do that. And the fact that humanity has given power to one above others is simply ridiculous. That proves that we are not as smart as we think we are because we have basically told some people they can annihilate us whenever they want, they have our permission.

 It’s all because we live in a world of fear. We are not really free or will ever be because we tie ourselves down with the same ropes that some groups give us. Self-confidence, fear, angst, sadness… So many more that we use against each other, only to makes us feel a little less us and a bit more unique. What do you think a person who kills her or himself in the gym is looking for? They are not there to improve their health, no matter what anyone says. They are trying to achieve a physical state where they can be above the rest, be a little less them and a little bit someone better. That’s what has made this “physical” revolution a success: we hate ourselves and the fact that we are so, for lack of a better word, normal.

 I’m not saying that people that go to the gym hate themselves but most actually do. And not only them but all of us but every single person that had forced change into their lives because they feel they will never stand out if they keep behaving like the simple and boring organisms that they are. We try so hard to make everyone feel so unique and special, that it is a great pain when we realize that no matter what we do, we will never be really unique. We can put everything on us, we can take things away, but we are always the same people, no matter how many costumes we put on. Our personality is different, from person to person, but it is not unique either, just particular.


 And that should be enough from us. Why singling us out to the world when we know we all have the capacity to do exactly the same things? We can all be singers and actors and engineers because we all have the capacity to be each one of those things and many more. What we decide in life, however, it is matter of the current conditions we live with and our personal convictions and tastes, that are also no special but at least they differ a bit from person to person because, as we all know, we are all made from the same stuff but we are not copies of one another. We are very similar and not identical and that should be enough for us to stop tormenting us by everything and start living for real.