El jarabe

   El jarabe que me había dado el doctor tenía un sabor horrible. No era algo sorprendente ya que prácticamente todos los jarabes sabían horrible, no importa de que sabor se supone que sea. Este era para mi garganta, pues la tenía bastante gastada por culpa de la gripa. Por un par de días no había podido hablar del dolor y el jarabe fue como magia para mi cuerpo, pues ya al otro día podía hablar con normalidad. Decidí ser juicioso y tomarme la cucharada que debía tomarme cada tantas horas sin falta. No deseaba quedarme con ese horrible dolor toda la vida.

 Lo malo de todo era que tenía que seguir trabajando, haciendo cosas para ganar al menos un poco de dinero para seguir viviendo. Mi trabajo consistía en moverme de un lado al otro de la ciudad, vendiendo productos por catalogo a quienes lo solicitaran. Internet hacía la mayoría del trabajo pero había quienes preferían hacerlo con un ser humano porque así podían hacer preguntas que serían respondidas al instante. Y la gente siempre tenía muchas preguntas.

 Cuando iba por la mitad del jarabe, tuvo que visitar a una señora mayor al otro lado de la ciudad. La casita en la que vivía no era nada muy especial por fuera. Sin embargo por dentro era como entrar en un museo de hace cincuenta años. Todo estaba perfectamente conservado pero nada de lo que había por ahí era actual. Lo único que contrastaba con el diseño general era el celular que la mujer cargaba en la mano.

 Tuve que llevar mi tableta electrónica para mostrarle a la mujer los productos. Mientras ella veía lo que había, me contaba de su hija la psicóloga, quien era la persona que le había recomendado el servicio. Me hablaba de ella como si yo la conociera y francamente no tenía idea de quién me estaba hablando. Debía ser que otro vendedor se había encargado de ella o que pedía por internet y la señora no entendía muy bien lo que eso significaba.

 Le tuve mucha paciencia. De hecho, estuve toda la tarde allí, esperando a que mirara cada una de las secciones del catalogo, incluso aquellas que obviamente a ella no le interesaban, como la de los juguetes o la de aparatos electrónicos. Me sirvió leche entera, que no puedo tomar porque soy intolerante a la lactosa, y varias galletas de avena que parecían hechas por ella misma.

 Las galletas me las comí despacio pues estaban algo secas y tuve que pedirle agua para poder comerlas. Le expliqué lo de la leche pero la señora no entendía nada de la lactosa y de las horribles cosas que me pasarían si me ponía a tomar leche. El caso es que me dejó servirme un vaso de agua en la cocina. Aprovechando, me tomé mi cucharada de jarabe ahí mismo.

 Esa jugada no fue la más inteligente. Siempre se me olvidaba que el medicamento me daba un sueño tremendo, una sensación debilitante bastante desagradable. Era como si me curar a partir de la destrucción de todo lo que era mi ser. Cuando me preguntó sobre el tipo de madera que habían usado para la tapa de un piano, yo ya estaba medio dormido, con la sensación de tener la cabeza inflada y llena de humo. Le respondí a partir de mi memoria y miré el reloj. No era tan tarde como creía pero tampoco tan temprano como para no irme.

 Le pregunté a la mujer si podíamos seguir otro día y ella me dijo que le parecía lo mejor. Sin embargo, me pidió que le repitiera lo que había pedido para asegurarse de no haber pedido algo innecesario y también para saber si se le había olvidado algo. Fue el momento más complicado de mi vida. Me sentía peor que borracho, me sentía a la merced de cualquier persona. Como pude, fui diciendo uno a uno los nombres de los productos que había ido anotando.

 Me esforzaba por pronunciar bien cada nombre, por no equivocarme y parecer un idiota. Sentí que el tiempo se dilataba y que cada palabra que salía de mi boca tomaba años para salir en verdad, como si fuera un truco de magia muy lento. Al terminar miré a la mujer y, como yo la veía, parecía calmada y no del todo extrañada por mi comportamiento. Mientras ella pensaba si faltaba algo, tomé más agua.

 Cinco minutos después estaba en la puerta, despidiéndome con un apretón de manos que de pronto fue muy fuerte. No se me podía pedir que controlara la fuerza en ese caso. Me sentía muy extraño y lo único que quería era volver a mi casa. Creo que tuve un ataque de pánico apenas estuve en la calle y tuve la suerte de no estar en un sitio concurrido ni nada por el estilo. Sentía mis dientes castañar y el sonido de mis rodillas al temblar.

 Decidí respirar profundo y caminar hacia la avenida, que no quedaba muy lejos de allí. Eran solo dos calles. Esa era mi primera misión. Ya después habría otras pero lo importante era ir paso a paso. Así que puse un pie frente al otro y empecé a caminar hacia la avenida. El mundo no se quedaba quieto, me daba vueltas y tenía unas ganas terrible de vomitar. Era la primera vez que el jarabe me sentaba así de mal.

 Tal vez había sido la mezcla con la galletas de avena viejas o ese sorbo que había tomado de la leche a petición de la mujer. Era ofensivo cuando alguien no creía que uno supiera sus propios gustos. Era algo insultante pero tuve que concederle el deseo a la anciana para que mi tiempo allí terminara lo más rápido posible.

 Cada paso lo daba como si sus pies fueran de plomo. Los exageraba mucho para poder sentir que estaba avanzando. Muchas veces me pasaba que creía haber caminado y de verdad no me había movido del mismo sitio. Era algo horrible pero eso al menos me había pasado en casa un domingo, cuando había tomado el jarabe y me habían dado ganas de ir al baño. Lo único terrible de esa historia es que tuve que cambiar las sabanas cuando recobré mi estado mental normal.

 Cuando por fin llegué a la avenida, tomé aire y respiré intranquilo. Sentía que sudaba frío, que las gotas me resbalaban por la nuca y por las sienes. Traté de no mirar a nadie a los ojos pero fracasé olímpicamente. Caminé hacia una parada de bus cercana y sentí como todo el mundo me miraba a mi. Me miraban de arriba abajo como si fuera un monstruo caminando suelto por ahí. Yo no mantenía la mirada con nadie y solo miré la calle, esperando que apareciera un taxi pronto.

 Jamás me subía a los taxis en mi ciudad. Los conductores eran groseros y no tenían ni idea de manejar. Además, cobraban como si estuviesen llevando a la reina de Inglaterra y no a mí, un pobre diablo que apenas y tenía un trabajo con el cual poder seguir viviendo de manera más o menos decente. Mantuve la mano arriba mientras pasaban los carros y por fin paró uno. Lo miré y, aunque la imagen era brillante, supo que sí era un taxi. Me subí con torpeza a la parte trasera y el conductor arrancó.

 Me preguntó para donde iba pero yo no podía hablar de inmediato. Necesitaba recuperar mis fuerzas. Sin embargo hice el mayor esfuerzo y dije algo que no supe que fue pero al parecer sí había sido mi dirección porque el hombre no volvió a preguntarme nada. Sin embargo, no confiaba en mí mismo así que saqué mi celular y busqué mi nombre. Tenía escrita mi dirección por si se me perdía el aparato alguna vez, aunque ningún ladrón devuelve nada en estos tiempos.

 Le mostré la dirección al hombre y creo que asintió. En el asiento trasero de ese taxi me sentí morir. Quería llorar y gritar y patear y hacer otro montón de cosas porque me sentía débil y a punto de perder el conocimiento. El viaje parecía no parar y yo miraba por la ventana y hacia delante moviendo las piernas con desespero, cruzando los dedos porque parara ya.

 Cuando por fin lo hizo, me enredé sacando dinero y creo que le di más de lo que era. No me importó, no en ese momento. Salí a la calle con mi maletín en una mano y mi celular en la otra. Caminé derecho y descubrí que sí estaba en mi edificio. Minutos después la ropa estaba por el piso y yo estaba metido en la cama temblando.

 ¡Maldita medicina! Y yo no decía nada porque la porquería sirve y, ¿qué sentido tendría quejarse de lo que sirve?

Scientific discoveries

   The water was very cold. It wasn’t surprising at all as the lake was located very high into the mountains, far from any real source of heat. Besides, the area was often covered with a thick fog that didn’t really let the sunlight pass. The group camped on the edge of the lake and was careful enough to put everything near them. It wouldn’t be very nice if an animal decided to steal their food or if they lost things that were just in front of their noses. They would stay only one night and then continue their journey.

 Their destination was a high plateau, located on top of a flat mountain. Rumor has it that many species of plants and animals lived there and that most of them had never being registered by science. The five people in the group had the mission of arriving to that area, after climbing completely vertical walls, and do the most thorough job in identifying new species of animals and plants. They had to bring pictures, drawings and even samples if possible.

 The day they arrived at the lake was only the fourth day of their journey. They had already crossed through a deep humid valley where one of them had been bitten by a snake and had to be airlifted out of there. Where they started the mountain section of their trip, they often had problems falling to the ground and hurting their hands and knees. It was a very difficult job, especially for the ones in the group that had never really gone out in a mission like this.

 Two of the camper by the lake, one man and one woman, were teachers and real professionals in biology. They had already travelled to every corner of the world, they had categorized many species and each had discovered quite a few, so they were the visible heads of the expedition as experience was always most appreciated. The rest were four students and interns, five originally, that had decided to enter the ballot to get into the trip.

 The two professors interview several people for the trip. They were essentially looking for people just like them, people that didn’t mind having no food in a day and knew how to walk in a jungle, a forest or the mountains. They rejected many almost immediately. Most of them thought it was going to be a nice little trip with hotels and cars and video cameras and many other nice things. It wasn’t.

 They had only one cellphone that had to be used only for emergencies. Everyone could bring their laptop but, obviously, there wasn’t going to be any Wi-Fi or anything like that. The computers were just for keeping track of their discoveries and have a copy of the pictures they took every single day. It was a useless brick aside from that. No makeup, no artificial elements, nothing like that either.

 The guy that had been bitten by the snake was the one the professors had thought was really one of a kind. He was very brilliant and had actually collaborated with a couple of amazing scientists from other universities. He was very well versed in every single aspect of a mission and was looking forward to the one they were interviewing him for. He was even tested by showing him several pictures of different species and he had answered everything correctly.

 So it was more than a surprise, more like a disappointment, when he had stupidly left the tent to pee in an area that hadn’t been checked yet. According to what he said later, it seemed like he had urinated on the snake and that’s why the animal had reacted so violently, biting him in one of his thighs. He knew the venom of that particular species was not one that acted fast but it was venom all the same. The helicopter arrived soon as they were only a day away from their departure point.

 Secretly, the other four students and interns laughed at what had happened. They hadn’t like him at all when they had met him some days before the journey started. He seemed pretentious and so full of himself, telling them every single part of his experience with other scientists. It got boring very quickly and he probably knew right away that he was going to be talking only to the professors during the trip. But no one would never really know that as he had left so early, in such a particular way.

 By the lake, they decided to check the water with a special machine that was equipped with sonar. They wanted to know what kind of wildlife lived there and if it was possible for them to bathe there. They already smelled very strongly and they had to, at some time, have a bath to clean themselves up or else every animal in the jungle would know they were there.

  The sonar didn’t pick up anything big. So the professors decided to fish for a while, as the four students entered the water and swam just in front of them. The funny thing was that they couldn’t almost see each other. It was very difficult to move without hitting a rock or tripping on some formation no one had seen. In the water it was the same and it felt dangerous too, so they only were there for five minutes, enough time to feel refreshed.

 When they were done, as they dried their bodies on the shore, the professors announced they had capture two fish but none of them was a new species. They were some kind of anchovy related creature, very small and really smelly. They took pictures and returned the animals to the water. Sometimes discoveries took their time to happen.

 The next day they moved away from the lake in order to get to the plateau. As they had already lost some time because of the snake and the lake, they decided to walk two days in a row, without resting or at least only resting for a few hours. No more camping. They walked for three straight days. They descended the mountain on the other side and had arrived to the jungle again, were they discovered a couple of new insects and saw a couple of snakes that resembled the one that had bitten their partner.

 Finally, one afternoon, they arrived to a very tall wall made of rock and dirt. They tested the surface with their climbing gear and discovered that area was not well suited to climb to the top. Several rocks fell once they tried to climb onto the wall. So they had to walk along the wall until they finally camped to wait for sunlight. First thing the following morning, the professors found the perfect area to climb. It was going to be very difficult and they had to get everyone up there so the plan was complex.

 The experienced climbers had to go first. That meant the two professors and one of the students had to climb almost with no instruments or equipment, at least to a certain point. Then, they would help the others with ropes and all the climbing equipment they had carried from their base camp. None of the leaders were nervous about it. They simply began climbing. By midday, the three scientists had climbed at least fifty meters, which was very good. They installed everything there, on a special hard part of the mountain and kept going as the other three just started.

 As expected, nightfall arrived as they were still working on the mountain. Their fingers were numb and some had awful bruises that made it difficult for them to climb. The student that had joined the professors was the first one to arrive and he helped bring his two companions on top. When they were all there, they helped the remaining three. Two of them were bleeding a lot when they came up to the top.

 They decided to form camp not very far from the edge. The idea was to rest, cure their wounds and start real work on top of the plateau. They almost couldn’t sleep as they had arrived to the place they had wanted to visit for a long time. No other human had ever been there and it was certain that they were going to encounter very special creatures. They were about to enter scientific history.

 However, the night did not only bring the best wishes from them. It also brought heavy sleep, provided by a plant they had ignored, just by their camp. The plant released spores that made people extremely sleepy, almost putting them in a coma. This was used by a certain kind of spider, an undiscovered species, to kill all the campers with its powerful poison.

 The bodies wouldn’t take long to decompose. That’s how powerful the venom was. And all the machines and equipment would be destroyed by powerful gusts of wind and other animals, completely erasing any trace the scientists had ever been there.

Virus de verano

   El día parecía querer llevarle la contraria a lo que yo estaba sintiendo dentro de mi cuerpo. El sabor extraño en mi boca contrastaba con el sol brillante y la alta temperatura que hacía. Solo sacar la mano por la ventana era suficiente para darse cuenta que el verano había llegado y que no había manera alguna de ignorarlo. Por fin se podía disfrutar el sol, ir a la playa y usar menos ropa, lo que para mí siempre ha significado estar más cómodo.

 Pero el sabor en mi boca se transformó en dolor y entonces me di cuenta que era el ser más miserable que había. Tenía algún virus, alguna de esas estúpidas enfermedades pasajeros que siempre tienen que aterrizar en mi cuerpo, tal vez porque es débil y no tiene como defenderse.

 Como bien y hago ejercicio pero al parecer eso no es suficiente. Al parecer algo estoy haciendo mal porque esto ya ha pasado antes. Este dolor de cuerpo tan horrible, esta sensación de que si me muevo demasiado se me van a romper los huesos. Por eso ese día, apenas abrí los ojos, no me moví casi. Era como si me hubiera pateado varias veces en el suelo, como si hubiera perdido una pelea de esas que, menos mal, ya casi no hoy.

 Ese extraño sabor en la boca y yo nos quedamos en la cama. Ese sabor a enfermedad, a virus, a gérmenes, a todo lo que no sirve para nada en este mundo. Porque a mi, un hombre ya adulto, ¿de qué le sirve tener una gripa a cada rato o un virus de estos cada mes? Si mi cuerpo no aprendió a defenderse cuando era más joven, ahora mucho menos lo va a hacer. No tiene sentido tener que pasar por esto una y otra vez, como si fuera una lección que no he podido aprender.

 Y ahora el calor. ¡Que asco! Solo duermo con un cobertor y tengo que hacerlo a un lado y quitarme la poca ropa con la que duermo. Desnudo me da algo de escalofrío pero me siento mejor, más fresco. Ese pequeño movimiento me ha costado toda una vida y ahora me siento exhausto. Debí estirarme un poco más y así hubiera abierto la ventana. Pero de pronto fue bueno no hacerlo, porque los insectos ya se están alborotando por todas partes.

 Me quedé allí, mirando el techo. Me doy cuenta de algunas manchas y después me acuerdo que no me importa, que de todas maneras estaré fuera de aquí en menos de tres semanas y que alguien más tendrá que preocuparse por eso. Doy la vuelta, para quedar acostado boca abajo. Así es como me gusta dormir y creo que no tiene caso forzarme a levantarme. Es domingo y eso es lo bueno. Puedo quedarme desnudo en la cama todo el día si eso es lo que quiero porque el domingo se hizo para eso, para no hacer nada, para tomarlo con calma y darse un respiro al final de la semana.

 No entiendo como hay gente que hace cosas el domingo. Sean lo que sean esas cosas, no debería pasar. Entiendo querer ir a dar una vuelta o a comprar algo pero no hacer diligencias como tal o estar de un lado para otro como un trompo sin poder disfrutar ni un poco del único día en el que en verdad no hay porqué hacer absolutamente nada. No lo soporto. Aquí boca abajo, me doy cuenta que es lo mejor que puedo hacer para no tener que enfrentarme al hecho de que esto, sea virus o lo que sea, no se va a ir de la noche a la mañana.

 Otra vez paso saliva y otra vez duele, como si estuviera pasando fuego por mi garganta. La siento cerrada, como un embudo que encima se ha apretado más. ¡Y ese maldito sabor a enfermedad! Lo odio y condeno a lo que sea que me dio este virus. ¿Qué o quién sería? Porque puede haber sido cualquiera de las dos opciones. Al fin y al cabo la noche anterior estuve lejos de ser un santo, de ser el modelo perfecto de joven occidental.

 Aunque dudo que eso exista. Cada uno de nosotros tiene sus líos, sus cosas raras en la cabeza, y pues si yo estoy jodido hay otra gente que está peor. Eso creo yo al menos. No se puede uno poner a pensar que algunos están menos desequilibrados o más sanos en lo relativo al cerebro. Todos estamos un poco locos y el que no tenga algún rastro de locura es que hay que tenerle mucho cuidado. Es mejor tener de donde enloquecer.

 Tomo fuerzas para ponerme de pie y voy rápido a abrir la ventana. Estoy de vuelta en la cama en apenas unos segundos pero el viajecito ha sido suficiente para marearme. Siento que todo el mundo me da vueltas y trato de calmarme, de respirar con calma y de sentir ahora la brisa, la poca brisa, que entra por la ventana. ¡Daría yo el dinero que no tengo por una habitación con una ventana y una vista decente! No sé quién les dijo a esta gente que era algo humano hacer ventanas para adentro.

 Pero es lo que hay y me sirve para tratar de calmar lo mal que me siento. Siempre que me enfermo me siento muy mal, mi ánimo baja al piso y soy susceptible a cualquier cosa. Todo me da más duro: suele ponerme más nervioso, las cosas que normalmente me dan rabia me dan aún más rabia y quisiera matar y comer del muerto. También empiezo a mirarme más en el espejo y condeno a mi cuerpo por ser inservible. Se ha dejado meter otro gol.

 Vitaminas. Eso es lo que debería tomar. ¡Pero son tan caras! Para un estudiante no es algo sencillo tener que comprar cosas que se salen de lo normal, cosas que no son lo que uno compra todos los días en el supermercado. Hay que sobrevivir con los nutrientes que tiene la comida que uno compra y yo al menos cocino y trato de variar.

 Nunca compro preparado porque siento que no tiene el mismo sabor. Además, creo que cualquier ser humano que se respete debe saber cocinar medianamente bien. No se trata de si a uno le gusta o no. Se trata de poder sobrevivir una vez se haya salido del nido, una vez no haya nadie que le haga las cosas a uno. Puedo decir entonces que, al menos en ese sentido, no tengo porqué preocuparme. Cocino recetas varias y, a pesar de que puedo mejorar la presentación, siempre son platillos ricos y tan balanceados como me lo permite mi presupuesto.

 ¡Mierda! No quería toser pero lo hice y ahora siento como si un gato se hubiese resbalado por mi garganta, con las uñas bien extendidas. El dolor es horrible y me hace dar ganas de quedarme allí para siempre. Giro la cabeza un poco y caigo en cuenta que tengo una botella de agua no muy lejos. El agua en estos casos sirve de poco de nada pero al menos refresca un poco. Me estiró como puedo, todo el cuerpo en agonía, y tomo la botella. La abro tan hábilmente como puedo y tomo un sorbo.

 Está tibia. Es asqueroso tomarla así pero no hay de otra. Otro sorbo y le pongo la tapa. En la cocina, en la nevera mejor dicho, tengo jugo de naranja. Pero lo que me vendría mejor sería una limonada. No es que tenga una herida abierta en la garganta o algo parecido pero es lo que siempre me ha funcionado mejor para estos malditos casos de virus indeseables. Pero para tener limonada abría que hacer una de dos cosas: o ir a comprar limones a la tienda y hacer el jugo yo mismo o ir al súper, más lejos, y ver si tienen las limonada ya preparada.

 Francamente, no tengo ganas de hacer ninguna de las dos cosas. Prefiero quedarme aquí y ver si puedo sudar el virus. He decidido que hoy voy a estar todo el día desnudo y que además no me voy a bañar. No quiero moverme de mi cama para nada. Creo que hay galletas y otras cosas en el armario. Voy a comer eso y si acaso, si tengo el empuje, iré por agua fría o jugo de naranja a la nevera. Me parece una larga caminata con este dolor de pies, piernas y cintura, pero la opción existe.

 El estomago gruñe pero no sé si es hambre o es que el virus es estomacal. No he comida nada raro. Sí he comido algo que no como normalmente pero no era nada extraño y fue en un restaurante. No tiene cara de ser un lugar donde repartan virus a diestra y siniestra. En fin.

 Aquí me quedaré entonces, en esta cama que no es mía, sintiendo el viento en mi trasero y mi espalda, tratando de controlar la cantidad de saliva que trago y de movimientos del cuerpo. ¡Maldito sabor en la boca! ¡Maldito verano que no viene solo sino mal acompañado!

Two of one

   Used. That’s how she felt the moment she arrived home. The idea behind all of it had been to prove herself stronger than she thought she was. But maybe she wasn’t. Maybe she was just the frightened girl she didn’t wanted to be. The idea of being fearless had been a nice one to imagine but it had been highly unrealistic. This was, mainly, because she was always terrified. Every step she took into the world made her feel as is she had stepped into the mouths of hell. And though she forced herself through the most difficult things, she knew she was much more affected by everything than what she recognized.

 She sat on the bed for a while. Blinds and a curtain covered the window, which was good. She didn’t want to know a single thing about the sun out there, about light or life in the world. She wanted to stay there in her room for a while, a long while. After fifteen minutes of staring at a point on the floor, she remembered her clothes and took them off as fast as she can. Once she was only in her underwear, she got into bed and tried to sleep.

 It felt like the hardest thing she had ever done. Once again, her eyes would face the wall and wouldn’t close for nothing. She was too distracted, trying not to think about anything. That thought made her think about every single thing that had happened that night and she found herself repeating the scenes she had been through over and over again, like a movie in her head. She moved around in bed a lot, not being able to sleep or to shake off the thoughts.

 Maybe it was her, or maybe it was the weather, but the room started to feel like a sauna. Everything felt hotter, as if she was trying to sleep in an oven. It made sleeping even harder. She got out of bed and head to the door but stopped there. She wanted to have some water but, to do that, she had to go to the kitchen and that room was surrounded by windows and light. It was everything she wanted to avoid. Yet, she had begun to feel a sore throat and had no idea way.

 It was seven in the morning when she opened the door and practically ran to the kitchen. She grabbed a bottle of water and ran back to her room, as fast as she could. Other four people lived there and none of them were friends or anything like it. She barely spoke to any of them and couldn’t trust them with how she felt on that moment.

 Once back in her room, she drank half the water in the bottle in one sitting. She cleaned her mouth with her arm and decided it was time to try again. Only covered by a thin sheet, she finally fell asleep after finally deciding not to think about anything. She just put her mind blank and it worked. She fell asleep but it was an uneasy sleep.

 The poor woman moved around, her arms from one side to the other of the bed. She talked in her sleep too but it was hard to properly hear what she was saying, it was almost as if she was whispering to someone. That way, thrashing and whispering, she got to sleep for five hours. Around lunchtime, she woke up and decided that small rest had been enough. Her body wasn’t tired enough to keep on sleeping, although her mind certainly needed more time to get used to every single thing she was thinking about.

  Once up, she moved the curtain and raised the blinds. Her window led to an inner yard but some light came through it.  She had no intention of turning on her artificial light. The idea was to have natural light come into the room and feel a little bit less aggressive. After that, she decided it was time to have another expedition outside, this time to the bathroom. She ran quickly to it and did what she had to do as fast as she could. She didn’t want to stay there long enough to be greeted by anyone outside. Avoiding them was the idea for the day.

 When back in her room, she looked around in her closet and found something she had thought about in the bathroom: cookies. They were the ones she used to eat as a little girl. They were really thick and covered with chocolate chunks. She took the box to the bed and grabbed her laptop. The idea was to eat and distract her mind from the night before. She still felt dirty, she still felt she had transformed into someone she wasn’t and now she had to live with that other person.

 The best thing she could find was a cooking show, so she watched it in silence while eating about seven cookies. Once she was done, she put the box on the ground and covered herself entirely with the bed sheet. The food had helped her to feel tired again, maybe even sleepy. But then she realized there was something she needed to do before that, before anything. She put the laptop on the floor too and just stayed there, looking around the room.

 But she wasn’t only looking. She was recreating her night in her head, from the moment she had decided to step out of her house to the moment, just five hours ago, when she had come back feeling as she was feeling. The idea had been to have a drink or two and then head back home but she knew it had been then when the other woman had taken control of her.

 It was funny to talk about herself like that. She even smiled thinking that, after all, no matter what she told herself, she was that woman too. It was really another person, a dark figure in the night or something like that. That other woman with no scruples was also her but somehow she didn’t want to recognize her. She was scared to look at the mirror and realize who she was.

 Her sore throat was still there. She blamed the smoke in the place she had ended in but also the people there, the men especially. She had gone to that dark world to loose herself and, she realized, she wasn’t ready for it. The place was very dark and filled with all kinds of people, at least all physical kinds. Because, in their minds, they were all exactly the same. They all seek pleasure beyond anything they had ever imagined; they wanted to experience the extremes.

 She had used her cellphone to get to that place and she used it once again to get out of there. She stayed for about two hours and then ran out, leaving someone inside waiting for her. The nice girl that showed her face most of time, had appeared suddenly and had taken control of a body that had been through a lot during those two hours. She had done things she had never done before and that she probably would never do again.

 That’s what she wanted to ignore, to forget, to stop thinking about. But, after eating her cookies, having food in her belly, she realized the best way is always to confront ones fears, to look at them in the eye and see if they are really scary, if it’s worth it to be afraid of them. Because some fears are useful but others are just there to be in the way, they have to be defeated or at least jumped over to go on with life.

 She thought of all the kisses every touch, and also tried to put faces to all of that. It was good that she was able to do that. It made her feel less stressed, less like some kind of failure. She remembered everything, even with the alcohol and the drugs. Because it had been her who had done all of that. It had been her who had been inside the belly of the beast and had gotten out. It wasn’t some other imaginary woman.

 She turned around on her bed and decided the subject was closed. The past has to be left aside, always in our minds but not in our way. She closed her eyes for a while but did not fall asleep. She just wanted to be quiet and in peace with herself. She wanted to feel less like a something and more like someone. With her eyes closed, she heard the world and decided to think about how she perceived it all, how she could imagine a whole universe only by the sounds.

 It was a silly thing to do but it was the best game she could come up with. She was tired again and, as she played her game, she fell asleep. This time, it really felt like she was resting, not having to battle anyone or anything inside her mind. It was only her. She had been the one making every decision and she had to realize that was the way it was. She was the one calling the shots and she had to realize that wasn’t going to change.