Dear you,
I dreamt about
you again. Isn’t that strange? I hadn’t done that for quite some time. To be
honest, I think I missed you there, in the shadows of my mind and my thoughts.
You were great,
by the way. I could feel your touch, your breathing and your whole presence
with me. We were in bed and about to make love but we didn’t get quite there.
I’m afraid I woke up a little bit beforehand. But that’s not important. What is
important is that I felt you there, so close, like I had never felt you in many
months, maybe in a year.
Once I fell
asleep, I remembered your scent, your gentle touch. And, although I couldn’t
see your face, I knew it was you. It’s always you anyway and sometimes that
makes me go mad because dreams can be very well created, very realistic and
apparently honest. I wanted you by my side this morning, I wanted to hug you
hard, to be able to smell your hair and feel every little feature of your skin.
But I couldn’t and that makes me the saddest person on Earth right now.
How is it that
you can enter my dreams like that? You’re there with me, for real, I know it. I
feel my mind is not wrong when your arms do feel warm and when your legs join
mine and we kiss. It’s you, I just know it is. How can you do it? How can you
bare to be here with me and then disappear as if nothing had happened? Am I
even important to you, at all? Can you bare to see me go away, walk away from
you and declare how much I despise you for stepping away like a shade on
sunrise.
You have been
doing this for many months now, maybe years. You know my mind is not the best,
my memories are misplaced but my feelings help me not to loose it. And, to be
honest, your presence helps me not to go completely mad. Isn’t that funny?
Someone that isn’t even here helps me be grounded and balanced. It sound insane
and yet it is but it helps. Since you started entering my dreams I have some
good nights and I can hope again as I never was able to do. I thank you for
that.
But I know that
you know this can only be maintained for a little while. You, coming and going,
it’s just not going to work. And not because I need you so much by my side but
because I cannot pretend I feel I’m loosing my mind. When you touched my body
and I touched yours this morning, I felt on fire. And this fire was not only
coming from my heart and my yearning for your skin, but from my mind. My brain
is now burning with desires, with needs. My mind wants you to stay too and she
can be much more compelling than the rest of me.
So, would you
stay? I think I know the answer to this question but anyway I ask because I
know I need to hear it, to read it from you. I need you to tell me something
that I can define, that I can understand once and for all because my mind is on
the edge, about to fall into an abyss of eternal darkness and despair. I don’t
want it to fall into that and all because of you. I don’t want that, I can’t
bare the thought of you being my demise. I just can’t do that.
I have been
there before. On one of your absences, I was down there for quite a while. I
know now how despair really feels like, how it smells and how it sticks to you
like glue that just won’t let go. Darkness was all around me and I had to save
myself. To be clear, I would never ask you to save me because that’s not why I need
you. You know very well I’m strong enough to withstand anything like that. With
every second of despair, of being lost and wandering through life, I’ve grown.
My looks don’t
really give it away, right? I know, I have never been a physical man in any senses
but believe when I say that strength comes in many shapes and forms. You could
say life has trained me not to depend on anyone, on anything. But, yet again,
I’m still human and I still feel like one. I cannot prevent myself from feeling
lost sometimes, eager to change or wanting to feel those other feelings, the
warm ones that are always there when you are around. That’s one I need from
you, what I seek when you’re near me. Not a protection of any kind or someone
to protect. Rather, you just make me feel.
Feel. That
sounds so simple, doesn’t it? Maybe it is. Maybe we just complicate our lives,
trying to make everything look much more difficult than it is when, the truth
is, feeling is just letting yourself go. Maybe that’s why I dream about you
sometimes: I let go completely when I’m sleep and then you come and make my
mornings just perfect. I swear they are with your kisses, your touch, the
sexual desire and that beautiful warmth you bring to my life. If I could dream
with you every night, I think I wouldn’t be able to stand it. It would be to
much for me. I might be strong but not that strong.
What’s awful is
that I don’t know what you like in the mornings, besides kisses and hugs. Do
you like to drink coffee? And if you do, how do you like your coffee? I
personally hate it but I would keep one of those machines for you, just to make
you happier in the mornings. I can almost picture you, standing by the kitchen
counter, sipping from a mug, blowing softly over the coffee to make it go cold.
You wouldn’t need to look at me for me to know I would be undoubtedly and
deeply in love with you.
No, don’t be
scared. I don’t think I love you know. But I do think that might be possible in
the future. If I keep looking at you like I do, if you keep entering my head as
you always do, the only possible outcome is that I would become madly in love
with you. I would breath for you and walk for you. That may be the future. But
again, who knows if there’s going to be a future at all? Maybe we won’t get
there; maybe life finds a way to keep us apart for good, only visiting in each
other in dreams and illusions until we go insane.
See? I’m never
too far from that word. I guess it haunts me, it chases me through life and I
just can’t escape from it. But… It makes me think. What if that’s because of
you? What if I’m going insane because I’m already in love with you? People say
love is unconditional and universal but that may not be true, love might be
different for each person, each individual in this world and that’s how you
might be driving me insane. You’re making me fall in love with you. And maybe
love is only a poison to me, a venom far worse from anything found in nature.
It makes sense,
when you think about it. That pain, that agonizing pain you feel when you care
for someone. It feels like a poison, slowly entering the body slowly, working
for years until it finally takes its victim. Strangely, that sounds even more
romantic than any other thing I’ve ever heard about. If love was a poison, I
would drink it gladly but only if it came for you. That’s my honest answer
because I know, every time I see your face, that make me feel different,
special, unique and small. And that’s all very strange but amazing.
I know, for a
fact, that I’m not amazing or unique or anything like that. I’m just one small
man in a world that is larger than him but that’s also small and insignificant.
So who really cares about anything? Who cares if love kills or it doesn’t? I
certainly don’t. Who cares if it drives you insane, if it makes you lose
yourself completely? Again, I don’t. Because it’s a gamble, a choice you make
and I think I might be able to make that choice. Now? No, not now. I have no
shame in saying I’m not ready for such a commitment, for such a deep dive.
But I will. We
will all be ready, one fay or the other. There’s a different day, for each of
us, in which we will be ready to do what it takes to achieve what we want to
achieve, to reach the top of the mountain that has been elusive to our hands.
But the mountain doesn’t go away just because you fail or die. It will always
be there and one day we will have what it takes to take it for us and make it
ours. That’s whom you are for me, my beautiful-snow capped mountain.
You know? I
need you here now. But reality has just fallen with its bright veil around me
and I see now that you are not. You are not. And I am. Now I have to keep being
until I have my moment, until the day arrives that I can be more than what I am
now. Then, hopefully, I will be able to touch you, kiss you and tell you how
much I thank you for being there.
