I dreamt about you again. Isn’t that strange? I hadn’t done that for quite some time. To be honest, I think I missed you there, in the shadows of my mind and my thoughts.
You were great, by the way. I could feel your touch, your breathing and your whole presence with me. We were in bed and about to make love but we didn’t get quite there. I’m afraid I woke up a little bit beforehand. But that’s not important. What is important is that I felt you there, so close, like I had never felt you in many months, maybe in a year.
Once I fell asleep, I remembered your scent, your gentle touch. And, although I couldn’t see your face, I knew it was you. It’s always you anyway and sometimes that makes me go mad because dreams can be very well created, very realistic and apparently honest. I wanted you by my side this morning, I wanted to hug you hard, to be able to smell your hair and feel every little feature of your skin. But I couldn’t and that makes me the saddest person on Earth right now.
How is it that you can enter my dreams like that? You’re there with me, for real, I know it. I feel my mind is not wrong when your arms do feel warm and when your legs join mine and we kiss. It’s you, I just know it is. How can you do it? How can you bare to be here with me and then disappear as if nothing had happened? Am I even important to you, at all? Can you bare to see me go away, walk away from you and declare how much I despise you for stepping away like a shade on sunrise.
You have been doing this for many months now, maybe years. You know my mind is not the best, my memories are misplaced but my feelings help me not to loose it. And, to be honest, your presence helps me not to go completely mad. Isn’t that funny? Someone that isn’t even here helps me be grounded and balanced. It sound insane and yet it is but it helps. Since you started entering my dreams I have some good nights and I can hope again as I never was able to do. I thank you for that.
But I know that you know this can only be maintained for a little while. You, coming and going, it’s just not going to work. And not because I need you so much by my side but because I cannot pretend I feel I’m loosing my mind. When you touched my body and I touched yours this morning, I felt on fire. And this fire was not only coming from my heart and my yearning for your skin, but from my mind. My brain is now burning with desires, with needs. My mind wants you to stay too and she can be much more compelling than the rest of me.
So, would you stay? I think I know the answer to this question but anyway I ask because I know I need to hear it, to read it from you. I need you to tell me something that I can define, that I can understand once and for all because my mind is on the edge, about to fall into an abyss of eternal darkness and despair. I don’t want it to fall into that and all because of you. I don’t want that, I can’t bare the thought of you being my demise. I just can’t do that.
I have been there before. On one of your absences, I was down there for quite a while. I know now how despair really feels like, how it smells and how it sticks to you like glue that just won’t let go. Darkness was all around me and I had to save myself. To be clear, I would never ask you to save me because that’s not why I need you. You know very well I’m strong enough to withstand anything like that. With every second of despair, of being lost and wandering through life, I’ve grown.
My looks don’t really give it away, right? I know, I have never been a physical man in any senses but believe when I say that strength comes in many shapes and forms. You could say life has trained me not to depend on anyone, on anything. But, yet again, I’m still human and I still feel like one. I cannot prevent myself from feeling lost sometimes, eager to change or wanting to feel those other feelings, the warm ones that are always there when you are around. That’s one I need from you, what I seek when you’re near me. Not a protection of any kind or someone to protect. Rather, you just make me feel.
Feel. That sounds so simple, doesn’t it? Maybe it is. Maybe we just complicate our lives, trying to make everything look much more difficult than it is when, the truth is, feeling is just letting yourself go. Maybe that’s why I dream about you sometimes: I let go completely when I’m sleep and then you come and make my mornings just perfect. I swear they are with your kisses, your touch, the sexual desire and that beautiful warmth you bring to my life. If I could dream with you every night, I think I wouldn’t be able to stand it. It would be to much for me. I might be strong but not that strong.
What’s awful is that I don’t know what you like in the mornings, besides kisses and hugs. Do you like to drink coffee? And if you do, how do you like your coffee? I personally hate it but I would keep one of those machines for you, just to make you happier in the mornings. I can almost picture you, standing by the kitchen counter, sipping from a mug, blowing softly over the coffee to make it go cold. You wouldn’t need to look at me for me to know I would be undoubtedly and deeply in love with you.
No, don’t be scared. I don’t think I love you know. But I do think that might be possible in the future. If I keep looking at you like I do, if you keep entering my head as you always do, the only possible outcome is that I would become madly in love with you. I would breath for you and walk for you. That may be the future. But again, who knows if there’s going to be a future at all? Maybe we won’t get there; maybe life finds a way to keep us apart for good, only visiting in each other in dreams and illusions until we go insane.
See? I’m never too far from that word. I guess it haunts me, it chases me through life and I just can’t escape from it. But… It makes me think. What if that’s because of you? What if I’m going insane because I’m already in love with you? People say love is unconditional and universal but that may not be true, love might be different for each person, each individual in this world and that’s how you might be driving me insane. You’re making me fall in love with you. And maybe love is only a poison to me, a venom far worse from anything found in nature.
It makes sense, when you think about it. That pain, that agonizing pain you feel when you care for someone. It feels like a poison, slowly entering the body slowly, working for years until it finally takes its victim. Strangely, that sounds even more romantic than any other thing I’ve ever heard about. If love was a poison, I would drink it gladly but only if it came for you. That’s my honest answer because I know, every time I see your face, that make me feel different, special, unique and small. And that’s all very strange but amazing.
I know, for a fact, that I’m not amazing or unique or anything like that. I’m just one small man in a world that is larger than him but that’s also small and insignificant. So who really cares about anything? Who cares if love kills or it doesn’t? I certainly don’t. Who cares if it drives you insane, if it makes you lose yourself completely? Again, I don’t. Because it’s a gamble, a choice you make and I think I might be able to make that choice. Now? No, not now. I have no shame in saying I’m not ready for such a commitment, for such a deep dive.
But I will. We will all be ready, one fay or the other. There’s a different day, for each of us, in which we will be ready to do what it takes to achieve what we want to achieve, to reach the top of the mountain that has been elusive to our hands. But the mountain doesn’t go away just because you fail or die. It will always be there and one day we will have what it takes to take it for us and make it ours. That’s whom you are for me, my beautiful-snow capped mountain.
You know? I need you here now. But reality has just fallen with its bright veil around me and I see now that you are not. You are not. And I am. Now I have to keep being until I have my moment, until the day arrives that I can be more than what I am now. Then, hopefully, I will be able to touch you, kiss you and tell you how much I thank you for being there.