The 501st

   The first battalion to arrive at the drop point was the 501^st. Commander Yok, who led them nowadays, was a very experienced man, having the privilege of been one of the few soldiers in the war to have been personally awarded a medal by the Chancellor. He was very respected by his men and it hadn’t been very difficult to decide he would be the one to lead the invasion of Kamara. And even if they hadn’t chosen him, he would have volunteered. That was the kind of man Yok was, always putting the mission first, him second.

The planet Kamara was very far the industrial worlds and the farming planets but it was important for another reason: tourism. It had been a resort world for many centuries, a favorite spot for the wealthy of the galaxy but just after the war the ties to the planet had been cut and the indigenous population, which lived of the tourists, was left to defend itself when the Confederacy invaded. They destroyed many of the hotels and resorts, as well as many attractions that had made of Kamara the envy of all the tropical worlds.

 Commander Yok landed in the jungle, near Kyloi, the capital of the world and the center of all confederate activity. The idea was simple: to decimate them with aerial attacks and then move in the troops. They were lucky enough to have two full cruisers for this mission so the planet was expected to fall shorty after the arrival of he army. Such was the trust put on Yok and his men that many aristocrats were already planning their trips to Kamara, not only to enjoy its beaches and climate but to recover the fortunes they had left in the many vaults constructed all around.

 Before the first way of bombers departed, Yok demanded a probe to be sent and check for the status of the city and the population. But that proved useless as the probe, and the two sent after that one, exploded in midair before reaching the central area of the city. Bombing started and from a mountain overlooking the city, Yok was able to see how many buildings the bombs destroyed, how they fell and burned. He was pumped. He had been made for this in the factories of his home world, and now his flesh was ready for battle.

 He led his men raging through the streets of the decimated city, running at first and the marching, all the way to the capitol of Kamara, building that was at the center of the city in every sense possible. They were silent, slowing down their march and blowing up roadblocks every so often. They climbed the steps of the capitol and went inside. No one was there, not a single confederate. They went to the top of the building and planted there the flag of the galactic government, claiming back Kamara. But joy was short-lived.

 Everyone knew taking a planet couldn’t be that easy. It normally involved very heavy fighting and resistance. It required days, at least, or months at most. Besides, they hadn’t seen a single native. The people there were rather humanoid but with green skin. If they had seen one, it would have been obvious. But nothing, not one of them was lying dead on the street or hiding in any of the many building that the 501^st checked on that first day. To prevent anything from going wrong, Yok asked for no more battalions to come down to the ground until the situation was clearer.

 The first night was very confusing for the soldiers. They gather around and improvised fire and were rapidly divided into two groups: the one that believed they had won already because the enemy had abandoned Kamara and the other group, who believed there was something darker in the shadows of the capital. They discussed each theory thoroughly but didn’t reach any consensus. Yok didn’t really pay attention, not even taking part of the conversation.

 He was a soldier, a hero for many and now he was in a situation in which he had never been before. The enemy appeared to be smarter this time or at least much more mysterious than usual. He wondered why there were no bodies, from any kind, why there were no signs of the invasion that had cut off Kamara definitely from the rest of the galaxy. Communications had been interrupted but in the capital all services appeared to be in optimal shape except they didn’t work.

 Yok was the only one that didn’t sleep that night. Every other man closed his eyes and fell asleep fast. None of them were tired, they couldn’t really be but maybe it was because it was their first peaceful night in a while that they felt so at ease and in peace in Kyloi. The following they, they checked several other government offices but they couldn’t find anything that would explain why the planet was deserted. The army was already considering pulling off their war effort on the planet and place it somewhere they could actually help in some way.

 But as decisions were taken, something happened and only the 501^st was there to see it. Up, in the sky, several enemy cruisers appeared out of nowhere. They engaged the army in the air and the battalion on the ground could only see how their forces were destroyed in a matter of hours. The only ship they had was a shuttle that hadn’t been built for galactic travel. So they were trapped in Kamara with enemy cruisers in the air and a sudden sound that made their souls quiver. It was a sound they realized had always been there but just now they realized it wasn’t supposed to be there.

 The enemy cruisers left the airspace, disappearing into the blackness of space, leaving the soldiers frightened to death on the ground. The sound didn’t stop, growing in volume and, apparently, in number. They all had their guns up, pointing at the sound as if they could attack it. But they couldn’t do anything about it. The sound continued as the small group of men climbed a building and decided to take shelter in the terrace, in order to see if they could decipher what was making that noise.

 But when they decided to investigate, the sound stopped. However, damage had been done. The men were scared and knew they were trapped for at least three days if not more. Commander Yok tried to contact their headquarters several times but he was unable to do so. Nothing came into his radio, no communication of any kind. He even tired scanning the sky for ships, even maybe cargo vessels or whatever was up there. But nothing, it just didn’t work.

 Then they heard another sound but this was weaker. It came from below so they descended the building and so what it was. A humanoid, one of the greens that inhabited the planet, was there in front of them. But it didn’t seem to be ok. It was barely moving, its arm an legs moving very strangely and his eyes just opened but unfocused. Commander Yok ordered the men to raise their weapons and wait for his command. The humanoid stayed there and he began to tremble, especially around the waist and chest. The men were all scared at this point.

 Suddenly, the most awful thing that could have happened happened. The humanoid burst open and from inside his bodies many insect-like creatures emerged, breaking his ribcage and launching themselves towards the soldiers. Gunfire was heard all around, insects blowing up in one side and the other. Commander Yok ordered the men to climb up the building again. But he hadn’t realized many more insects had come out, they appeared to have been waiting for them or possibly they all hatched at the same time.

 Arriving last in the terrace and locking the entrance, Yok realized the enemy had set them up. They had used some kind of creature to lay eggs inside the indigenous people of Kamara and use them as hosts that would burst open once the army had arrived. The bodies were probably in the sewers and hadn’t been detected because they were practically dead.

 The insects pounded the door hard, clinking sound made by their pincers. Every single man tried to help in holding the door, except Yok. He knew what was going to happen, somehow he had always known. He decided to put on his helmet and face the true destiny of a hero, of a true soldier of the Republic.

Connection

   As we headed to the station, to take that small train that goes around every terminal, I decided to take his hand in mine. Normally I would never do that but I decided this was the best moment to do it. It was time not to mind anymore about who was watching or if they had things to say. All the hate in the world could fall on me but I didn’t care because I understood what he was going through. He needed much more than just my hand in his, but I was happy to feel he took and squeezed it a bit, as if telling me “Thanks, I needed this”.

 We hadn’t spoken in several hours and I decided I didn’t wanted to be the one to talk first. For me, it was a decision he had to make because it was him who needed this time to reflect and think about many things. Well, that was my guess anyway because I couldn’t be inside his head. I did wonder though, about his thoughts and his secrets. But all of that was his to have and not for me to know. I respect a person’s life, and a life always has secrets and things you rarely share with anyone.

 The train station was a bit crowded and, oddly enough, most other passengers were foreigners, just like us. We were in San Francisco international airport and in our train there wasn’t a single Californian. We sat down, put our bad in front of us and felt the pull of the train beneath us, moving slowly towards the next terminal. I noticed my eyes were closing a bit, rocked by the movement of the train. The flight had been very long and we still had another one to go. I had never travelled so far before and felt a bit guilty, as I hadn’t paid for one dime. It had been all him.

 He squeezed my hand again and I turned towards him. His eyes looked sad but they felt stronger than before. He looked at me as if wanting to tell me something but there was no need. I proceeded to lay my head on his shoulder and he did kind of the same. I closed my eyes but I couldn’t really sleep. I just felt closer to him now and didn’t want that moment to end. But the train, after two other stops, finally arrived to the terminal we needed to be in.

 When we stepped out, we walked slowly towards some escalators and eventually to a commercial area. We passed a coffee shop and I asked him if he wanted to grab a bite. He didn’t say anything, just nodded as he yawned from exhaustion. As we wouldn’t let go, he joined me in the queue. We bought two big sandwiches each with cappuccinos and a big muffin to share. After we paid we found a little table a bit separated from the rest of the people and sat there. Our baggage was there too, with the few things we had been able to bring for such a short trip. We started eating in silence, watching people go by.

 We let go for a few seconds, to take our coats off, but he grabbed my hand again as he ate his sandwich. He ate it a bit too fast, he was hungry and he hadn’t told me. I wanted to ask him why he hadn’t told me he was hungry if maybe his stomach hurt or something. I was growing very mad for a moment out of such a silly thing and even my hands began to sweat so he noticed I was going through something. He looked at me and I saw his watery eyes looking at me. I had never thought they were as beautiful as they were in that moment and I felt bad for that.

 I at my sandwich as he drank his cappuccino, drying his eyes with a thick napkin they had given us. I saw he wasn’t feeling good, I saw he was still broken and I hated him for not talking to me. I felt so far from him and I didn’t understood what I was doing there, why he had brought me there if he wasn’t going to tell me anything. I had had it with all the silences and considerations. I didn’t wanted to wonder anymore about what he was thinking or what he wanted to say.

 Suddenly, he stood up and left. When he was two steps away I thought I heard the word “bathroom”. He had used his voice once only to tell me such a stupid thing? I almost made my cappuccino cup make a flip in its own plate but luckily my fist landed in the right place. People looked at me anyway and I just covered my face and lowered it to finish my sandwich and the cappuccino. I took the muffin and took a bit chunk of it with my teeth. The sweetness of the chocolate helped my spirit feel a little bit better.

 When he came back, I noticed he had been crying but I didn’t say a word. I only gave him his half of the muffin but he didn’t grab it so I ate it. I wasn’t going to waste a good muffin just because he wouldn’t talk to me. We took the baggage and started walking around the terminal, trying to make time for the next flight. I checked our gate on a screen and he stood up behind me, not even looking at the screen but at the airplanes on the tarmac. I hate to see him do that because I felt I just couldn’t leave him, ever.

 We got to our gate and sat down by the counter in order to be ready when they called us for boarding, which would began in a matter of two hours. I wanted to fall asleep or at least feel I wanted to be asleep but that time had passed. Maybe it was the coffee or the fact we had eaten something, by I couldn’t fall asleep.

 Then I felt his hand grabbing mine and, of course, I didn’t push him away. Because I wanted to feel his hand and smell his scent and taste his lips. But I didn’t now when I should go for a kiss, a hug or a conversation. I felt lost and kind of in a disadvantage. After all, we had just arrived from his mother’s funeral.

 He squeezed my hand and also stroke it and I just had to look at him. But he wasn’t looking at me but, again, at the planes outside. I squeezed his fingers softly and he did look at me at then he came close and kissed me. His face felt a bit cold, his lips a bit dry, but I knew those were the kisses I had learned to love although covered in a veil of sadness I had to understand. He let go of my hand and put his hand on my face and just keep kissing me. We stopped after a few seconds, smiling.

 Our hands stayed together as people arrived. The plane was going to be full, that was certain. He kept looking to the planes and then he started watching his watch. He was clearly anxious to get back home or maybe worried he had to go back in a plane. He wasn’t that friendly with them. Finally, the boarding process began and some minutes later we were already inside the plane, sitting side my side with and old lady as our neighbor. She was the first person to speak to him and he responded.

 Hearing his voice was the best thing for me. I loved it so much it filled me with joy, tumbling down all the feelings that had gone through my body earlier.  I smile at the lady who told me I had a very charming husband. Of course, I didn’t correct her but my blushed cheeks should have been enough to tell anyone she wasn’t exactly right. As a matter of fact, we had been boyfriends for a bit more than a year. That’s why I felt so strange doing all of this, the trip and meeting the family and all that.

 I mean, I had met them earlier, his mom too. Bu that situation was like getting to know them all again, especially his father who was obviously different now. He interrupted my thoughts by whispering in my ear: “Would you like to?”

 He caught me completely unprepared. I started to sweat again, my heart racing as the plane separated from the terminal and made its way to the runway. He grabbed my hand and from his pocket took out a small box. I started coughing right there. He knew I did that when nervous because he just opened it to reveal a very simple but beautiful ring. He took it out from the box and took my hand. Now, he asked me in a normal voice, making some heads turn.

   - Would you marry me?

 I felt all of them watching me, even if there were maybe only three people paying attention. In my mind, I revisited the funeral and what had happened earlier and the day we met and how we shared our lives and then, I remembered him watching the planes. I remembered that feeling I had when saw him standing there, his back towards me, looking at the tarmac.

 I knew his body and his way of dealing with things. I knew how he ate, how he peed, how he showered, what his favorite curse word was and how high he could jump. I knew I like his hugs and his voice. He had said to me he liked my body and my eyes and my mind. I also knew there were things he didn’t know about me and I didn’t know about him. There were secrets and thought that were private. So many feelings.

   - Yes. Yes, I will.

Rubí

   Rubí subió al escenario y el público simplemente enloqueció. Era ya una estrella en el lugar y todos los que venían a ver el show de “drag queens” la venían a ver a ella. No solo era porque era simplemente la más graciosa de todas, con una fibra cómica tan sensible que cada persona se podía sentir identificada, sino que también su maquillaje y presencia hacía olvidar que se trataba de un hombre disfrazado de mujer. Solo la sombra de una barba rompía el encanto o tal vez hacía de Rubí un poco más atractiva a su público.

 Cuando terminó su presentación se reunió con el resto de chicas en los camerinos y bebieron algo a la salud de todos por otro gran espectáculo. La discoteca hacia poco había venido en declive y había decidido tratar de irse con un evento inolvidable y ese último evento fue un show igual al de aquella noche. Pero de eso ya habían pasado dos años, pues el espectáculo había sido un éxito y por eso dos días a la semana había show y todas las chicas aparecían con sus personajes o con nuevos, haciendo rutinas siempre distintas, siempre graciosas.

 Rubí se les había unido hacía solo seis meses y todas le tenían mucho respeto. Eso era porque de día Rubí no seguía con su personaje, como si lo hacían otras, sino que se transformaba en otro ser humano, un hombre llamado Miguel que no tenía nada que ver con esa persona que existía en el escenario. Y lo más particular de Miguel, al menos en ese contexto en el que se desarrollaba como artista, era que era heterosexual. Era algo muy particular pues incluso les había contado una noche a algunas de sus compañeras que tenía una hija pequeña y que antes de empezar a trabajar en la disco había estado casado.

 Eso era otro mundo para los demás. Le preguntaron como era, como lo manejaba, pero ni él ni ella hablaban nada del caso. De hecho, a él casi ni lo veían pues siempre salía cuando nadie lo veía, por la puerta de atrás del lugar. En cambio a ella era difícil perderla de vista, siempre con algún vestido en el que se veía despampanante y joyas que brillaban por toda la pista de baile. Él siempre se quedaba un poco más a beber algo, hablar con Toño el barman y ver a los chicos bailar y relacionarse.

 Ni Rubí ni Miguel juzgaban a nadie. Sentían que no tenían ni la autoridad ni el derecho de hacerlo. Obviamente siempre se le cruzaban cosas en la cabeza, pensaba que de hecho puede que fuera gay o que de pronto eso de vestirse de mujer no era algo que pudiese hacer para toda la vida. A veces se convencía a si mismo que era la última noche que lo haría. Pero entonces Rubí destruía ese pensamiento en el escenario, encendiéndolo con todo su sabor y entusiasmo. Simplemente no se podría alejar de aquello que le daba alas.

 Su ex sabía bien que Miguel se disfrazaba de Rubí. Él mismo había decidido contarle pues, cuando habían terminado, no habían quedado odiándose ni nada parecido. De hecho los dos se sentían culpables pues sabían que habían fallado pues nunca se habían molestado en conocerse, en hablar y en compartir como lo debería hacer una pareja de verdad. Así que cuando Miguel le contó lo que hacía, ella no reaccionó mal. De hecho lloró, pues se dio cuenta que en verdad nunca lo había conocido.

 A él ese momento le dio mucha lástima. No solo porque su pequeña hija vio a su madre llorar y pensó que él había sido el causante, sino porque la verdad Rubí era un personaje que Miguel había inventado porque se sentía más seguro siendo ella y estando en un escenario. Simplemente fue algo que descubrió pero no era algo que hubiese estado allí siempre. En su matrimonio lo pensó un par de veces, pero nunca con las ganas que lo hizo después del divorcio. Y tampoco quería hacer de ello su vida. Era un hobby que le daba dinero y alegría, una combinación perfecta.

 O casi perfecta, pues la gente siempre tiene problemas cuando los demás se comportan como quieren y ellos solo se comportan como la sociedad quiere que lo hagan. No era extraño que al bar se colaran idiotas que entraban solo a lanzar huevos al espectáculo o a gritar insultos hasta que los sacaran. Y como sabían bien que nadie haría nada pues ninguno quería ir a la cárcel y salir del anonimato de la noche, pues tenían todas las cartas necesarias para ganar.

 El peor momento fue cuando a Rubí se le ocurrió salir a fumar al callejón trasero de la discoteca, que en otros tiempos había sido una nave industrial. El caso es que estaba allí fumando, una mujer bastante alta con las piernas peludas y un vestido corto rojo y la peluca algo torcida. El calor de la discoteca y los tragos habían arruinado ya su disfraz y la noche no se iba a poner mejor.

 Ni siquiera supo de donde salieron pero el caso es que a mitad del cigarrillo vio cuatro tipos, todos con cara de camioneros desempleados o de payasos frustrados. O algo en medio. El caso es que con esas caras de muy pocos o ningún amigo se acercaron a Rubí y le quitaron el cigarrillo de la boca. Entonces uno le pegó un puño en el estomago. Ella trató de defender pero eran cuatro tipos borrachos y quién sabe que más contra un hombre en tacones. No había forma posible de que Rubí se pusiera de pie después del primer golpe.

 Fue gracias a Toño que sacaba una bolsa de basura, que los hombres huyeron, dejándolo adolorido en el suelo. Rubí pidió a Toño que no llamara a nadie, ni a una ambulancia ni a nadie de adentro. Solo quiso ayuda para levantarse y que le trajera sus cosas. Fue la primera y única que vez que tomó un taxi vestido de mujer y de paso fue la primera vez que entendió con que era que se enfrentaba al seguir con su personaje de Rubí. Podía ser que se liberase en el escenario, pero siempre habría gente como esos tipos y más aún en esa ciudad.

 Se bajó del taxi antes de su casa y se quitó la ropa en la oscuridad de un parque cercano. Le dolía todo y sin embargo rió pues pensó que sería muy gracioso que lo arrestaran por estar casi desnudo en un parque público, con ropa de hombre y de mujer a su alrededor. Esa hubiese sido la cereza del pastel. Pero no pasó nada. Llegó a su cama adolorido y se dejó caer allí, pensando que todo pasaría con una buena noche de sueño.

 Obviamente ese no fue el caso. Los golpes que le habían propinado habían sido dados con mucho odio, con rabia. Él de eso no entendía mucho porque era una persona demasiado tranquila, que solo lanzaría un golpe en situaciones extremas. Se echó cremas y tomó pastillas pero el dolor seguía y ocultarlo en su trabajo fue muy difícil. Era contador en una oficina inmobiliaria y debía caminar por unos y otros pisos y hasta eso le hacía doler todo el cuerpo. Más de una persona le preguntó si estaba bien y debió culpar a un dolor de estomago que no tenía.

 Al final de la semana tuvo que ir al medico y este se impactó al ver lo mal que avanzaban las heridas de Miguel. Lo reprendió por no haber venido antes, le inyectó algunas cosas, le puso nuevas pastillas y le recomendó no hacer ningún tipo de ejercicio ni actividades de mucho movimiento. Por una semana estuvo lejos del escenario y se dio cuenta de que casi muere pero por no poder ir a hacer reír a la gente, ir a hacerlos sentirse mejor, sobre todo a aquellos que iban allí a sentirse menos ocultos.

 Para él fue una tortura permanecer quieto, haciendo su trabajo desde casa. A veces miraba sus vestidos de Rubí y se imaginaba algunos chistes y nuevos movimientos que podría hacer. Y entonces se dio cuenta que ella jamás dejaría su vida, siempre estaría con él pues era siendo Rubí que se sentía de verdad completo, un hombre completo. Era extraño pensarlo así pero era la verdad. Rubí era como un amor que le enseñaba mucho más de lo que él jamás hubiese pensado.

 Cuando entendió esto, su manera de ser cambió un poco. La primera en notarlo fue su hija, que le dijo que se veía más feliz y que le gustaba verlo así de feliz. Con ella compartió todo un día y fue uno de los mejores de su vida. Solo los dos divirtiéndose y siendo ellos mismo, tanto que Rubí apareció en el algún momento.

 Por eso la noche de su regreso nadie lo dijo, pero la admiraban. Rubí era para todas las chicas y los chicos del espectáculo un ejemplo. Toño les había contado lo sucedido pero supieron fingir que no sabían nada. Pero solo ese suceso les hizo entender que estaba de verdad ante un artista, estaban de verdad ante alguien que iluminaba la vida de los demás a través de convertir la suya en algo, lo más cercano posible, a su ideal.

Secrets & Nightmares

   I woke up suddenly in the middle of the night. I had no idea what time of night it was but I remember the first thing I felt was his breath on my hair. It was warm and soft. He never snored. I knew that because I was very sensitive to sounds and I would have woken up if he was. When I felt his breathing I was relieved, because I wasn’t in the world of the nightmare anymore but on the real one, the one that recently had been very nice to me in many aspects.

 Some people say that if you are successful or happy is because you deserve it or because you have worked hard for it. I think it’s a combination of the two., mainly because I don’t believe in the concept of fighting for everything in life. People who believe that are the type of people that are very competitive and that don’t stop at nothing to get what they want, they believe everything in life is a competition and that’s simply not the way it is or at least not my life.

 Anyhow, I was glad right then that I didn’t woke him up, because I knew he had problems sleeping and didn’t wanted to be the one to disrupt his night. I decided to try and close my eyes again and slip away into a deep slumber, hopefully without dreams. But, again, I fell right into a nightmare, a horrible world filled with the worst creatures I have ever seen, with all my fears parading around, rubbing past mistakes or their simple existence in my face. I had to wake up once again, this time really drenched in sweat.

 Thankfully, he had moved a bit away from me so I just separated my body from his slowly and went to the bathroom, to wash my face with cold water and try to relax a bit. I tried sitting on the toilet, pissing, even going to the kitchen and grab a bite. I also did some simple exercises in the living room and saw possibly five minutes of a TV show I didn’t even like. When I was back into bed, he woke up and asked me, between asleep and angry, where I had been?

 I kissed him in the lips, which made us both very happy and laid there with him. He fell asleep very fast and I stayed up for a long while, in fact not sleeping again for the rest of the morning. At that moment I did check my cellphone and saw it was five in the morning. We had to wake up in three hours and I couldn’t do one more of sleeping. I just used that time to think about it all, checking in my mind if everything was ready and found myself shaking a bit and my stomach growling.

 I grabbed his hand, which he had put over my chest, and squeezed it softly. He tightened his grip on me and I liked that. I felt safe and I guess that’s what I needed to feel.  If the alarm hadn’t gone off in that moment, I think I would’ve slept a bit. But I didn’t.

 The first thing he did when he woke up was kissing me, and then we showered together, hugging a lot and almost dancing beneath the water, When we were finished, we dressed up in silence and went to the kitchen to have breakfast. We both had cereal and talked a bit over it. He noticed I hadn’t sleep and I had to convince him I was ok, only a bit anxious about our day and that he shouldn’t worry. It was clear he was already worried but he didn’t go on with the subject, he just said he had to be at his sister’s in an hour.

 When he left, I cleaned up the place, changing the sheets of the bed to new ones I had bought secretly. I also pulled out some scented candles from a shopping bag I’d hidden beneath the sink, as well as other products that we would use for other purposes. When it was all ready I grabbed my kiss, gave the place one last look and went out the door. I had no car so I decided to walk to my mother’s house, which was an hour away by walking but I had the time.

 He had left before me because he said his sister could handle everything and that we shouldn’t do anything else than just show up at the right time. He was going to her place because that was the closest relative he had alive. His parents had died several years ago and since then his sister had been everything. She was a very organized person and had proposed to help us because she knew that the event needed a woman’s touch to be just perfect.

  As I walked to my former home, I thought about it all. I was nervous, obviously, but I knew the nightmares had been produced by something else. It wasn’t fear that had put them in my mind; it was something else that I didn’t quite understand. I mean, as everyone in the world, I have secrets and thing I wouldn’t like every single person to know, but that had never given me nightmares so what was this all about?

 I used my walk home to think about everything that would happen that day and I realized I was entitled to feel worried and maybe being a little bit scared. Marriage was not someone that I did everyday and it had been a question of “When?” for a long time and that time had finally come. I was sure about my affirmative response to it because I loved him dearly, beyond anything I had ever dreamed of. He was my prince charming and my bad boy, all in one. How corny does that sound?

 Thinking about him made me smile and many people on the street smiled me back. I didn’t noticed for a while but when I did I just laughed and thought that being in love was not as people described it but that it was good if you were ready for the long haul.

 In my mom’s house, my parents were dressing up, as well as my sister and her husband who had just arrived from abroad with their baby. She would have loved to have him carry the rings but he was still too young for that. Instead, my future husband’s youngest cousin was up for the job. She was a very nice girl and a bit mad for a seven year old, so she was right up our alley.  I also changed in a matter of minutes and decided to just wait in the living room for everyone to be ready.

 I dozed off and entered, once again, the dark territory of my nightmares. I recognized the feeling and the images and I could even feel my body sweat. I was in darkness, only able to see a light very far in the distance and the only thing I could do was walk towards it. Trying to grab it. But every single step I took was filled with pain, as if spines or small knives entered my every limb. Besides, and this was the most awful part, I felt hands in the darkness touching me, grabbing me to a place below that seemed liquid in nature. I knew that if I were pulled down there, I would die. And then, as always, I woke up before my head was submerged.

 My dad noticed when I woke up, because apparently I had let out a scream. He said that the best way not to dream bad things was either not to sleep or trying to make sense of whatever the dreams were about. I know my father wasn’t into Freud or anything, he just thought that if something was bothering it would translate into annoying nightmares and it was. I knew that was the case. Bu t it wasn’t just easy, it wasn’t just about letting the air out. It was harder than that.

 When everyone was finally ready, we jumped into the family car and drove towards the venue, a small banquet hall not far from there. When we arrived, every single guest was already there and I could notice he had already arrived too. So I was the one who had to go second, as per the rules. They started right away with the music. Then his sister escorted him to the altar, then me by my mother. I when I see him, my body let out one single tear. I say that because I had no control over it.

 The notary started talking about the law and citing many aspects of marriage that he found funny but also very important, so that the audience and us took it into account. He told us it was a very important thing to sign a paper and say “I choose to live my life with this person”, and that he personally admired those who did. We signed, me crying more and more, and finally kissed to the cheering and joy of our families and friends. As we kissed, I realized it was time, so covered by the wall of sound I whispered in his ear, took him by the hand and walk the carpet back into the main hall were food was being served.

 We didn’t discuss it until after the party, that went on for quite a while. He liked the candles in our room and the new sheets but he went straight to my confession as we sat down in the bed. I started crying and he held me, in love with me. He told me that he would do whatever I wanted, whatever made me happy. I smiled at him and then told him, clumsily, that I really needed to know where my only son was and what he was like. He grabbed my hand and kissed me.