Life..?

  The almost empty bottle of alcohol slipped from her fingers and crashed below her, on top of the massive rocks that formed the beach in that part of the port. It wasn’t an area to go an have fun of anything, rather a place for people who loved seafood to go and have a delicious dish of crab, lobster, fish or any other creature from the sea. The small pier on which Cynthia was seating, her legs dangling like she used to do when she was younger, was located in a part closed to the public, far from the restaurants and the bustling ambiance of the now exclusive and upscale area of commerce that was located a few steps away.

 Where she was, she could hear the ocean crashing softly against the rocks and then pull back and then crash the rocks again. She found that beautiful sound to be very soothing, especially at that precise moment of her life when she was feeling cornered by thoughts and things that were happening all around her. She knew the place from one time she had been invited to a party there and now she looked at the pieces of glasses on the rocks, as if they had the answer to all of her problems. And apparently, the answer was to open up the other bottle she kept on her coat and start drinking again, no regrets at all.

 Cynthia had never really been a lover of alcohol but it felt soothing for that moment to do something like that. She wasn’t into drugs or anything like that, having a crippling fear of dying from an overdose, so she would more often than not go to her nearest store and buy a couple of middle-sized bottles of alcohol, which she could feet nicely into her large winter coat. And it was that, the weather during that time of year, that made it all the more perfect. She knew it was the perfect way for her to handle what was going on and she wouldn’t let anyone else decide for her what to do or how to do it.

 As she took a good sip of the clear liquid in the bottle, she paid special attention to a fishing vessel entering the port. She was certain no one could see her there, on the spot she had chosen to be in, but realized it would be very annoying to have someone come and stop her from going on and on with that part of her life. Because that’s what it had become: alcohol had become the perfect gateway “drug” to make her feel a little less, something she really needed each time she was reminded of her past but also her present and the prospects her future held. Everything in life triggered her and made her unable to respond normally to anything.

 The fishing boat passed and Cynthia waved at it, already a bit drunk from the alcohol but also because of the cold. She closed her coat a little bit more, realizing she had chosen an especially cold evening to go out and sit over the ocean. But the truth was that she had never “chosen” such a place or such an activity. It was only the thing she could do without feeling she was doing the wrong thing or acting in an undesirable manner. She wasn’t a mess there, by herself.

  It was also easy to hear the screams and laughter coming from the people in the restaurants, but Cynthia tried hard not to pay attention. One reason was that she didn’t really liked any of the people that visited such places. They were mostly snobbish, the type of folk that don’t even realize people don’t normally have the kind of money to dine in such places every single night. That was exactly what she realized the day she was invited to a party there and soon realized how much of a mistake it had been to attend that event, at that time and in that place. It was all wrong and there was no real way to mend it.

She made everyone feel uncomfortable and the only thing she won out of that experience was the fact that she was very clear on how other people perceived her and what she didn’t really like about all of them. She was one of those people that don’t really mind what you say about them or how you say it, or at least they seem to not care at all. That’s way her appearance in that party was such a disaster, even if other things were feeling as if they had been improving in her life for quite some time. But those awful moments of social awkwardness made everything feel worse and seem worse, and she didn’t really need that.

 When she finished the bottle, she dropped it intentionally over the rocks, applauding loudly when the glass shattered and pieces flew all over the place, to the ocean, over the algae and on the rock. No one appeared after she had clapped. Maybe no one cared or maybe she had a way with the city and its strange places, but her next move was to go back to the mainland and try to exit the area without anyone looking at her. She was successful, after avoiding to look back on her way to the exit. Once there, she walked, cold and shaking but feeling a bit better. The cold wind on her cheeks was apparently doing wonders too.

 She sat at the bus stop and realized she was a bit tipsy. She looked around, and realized her only other companion was a very elderly woman who didn’t even have a reason to be walking around so late in such a remote place. Cynthia looked at her and tried to guess if she was actually younger than she seemed or if she seemed to be into the kind of things that hip people liked doing over there. She didn’t have much choice anyway, as the bus appeared soon and they both entered. Cynthia sat behind the driver and the old lady walked very slowly to a seat by the middle of the bus. Maybe she was buying something she wasn’t supposed to.

When Cynthia got home, she felt really dizzy and also very tired. She dropped on her bed in two seconds after she had arrived and realized, in a moment, that she was drunk and that she hated most of the people with whom she interacted ever. Everyone including doctors, shrinks, supposed friends and family and all other people that always try for you to have the life that they want for you, instead of the want for yourself. She really hated them, with feeling.  

 She then decided to strip for bed and stood in front of the mirror, looking at her almost naked body. Cynthia was not a supermodel but she wasn’t the ugliest woman in the world, she was fine. But she didn’t have much else aside a degree she never used and a lot of debt towards her parents. She was one of those so-called “leeches” that live in their parents’ home for years and never really go. Her fortieth birthday seemed close, even if it wasn’t going to happen for some more years. It was pressing on her, her mind and the body she was looking at.

 It was obvious that she didn’t really feel great about all of that but even so she got herself into a pajama and then into bed. She heard her parents entering the house right when she was about to fall asleep. It was nice she had chosen that precise night to be able to come back without her parents being there and asking something about her life or, much worse, not saying anything but giving her looks and glances, certain attitudes too, that made her realize what she already knew. But how the overcome the fact that she was a non- achiever?

 How was she supposed to overcome the fact that she was just one person, unable to change the world around her? That’s why she needed to drink, why she really needed to have a proper reaction to everything happening around her. She could just be there and take it or end it all in two seconds. Neither of those two options was an actual option, she didn’t have access to any of them. So, she had to endure and keep at it until something happened. But it had a toll on her and maybe that one would be the last straw for her and her consciousness. She knew very well she was not the kind of person to hold for years and years.

 Cynthia often found herself looking up at her ceiling, wondering about all of those people she had met at least once. She wondered about their lives, their success and their stories of greatness and achievements. And she felt so tremendously alone after that. She remembered the times she had borrowed money from her father to pay for a quality education and it had all amounted to nothing. They didn’t really say it but she knew, deep that, that it was the case.

 So every night was a struggle and every new day felt as one more iron ball had been put in a jar representing her life. It got heavier and heavier, never easy to properly carry around.

Crumbling

   My head was spinning as I cleaned my mouth. I had emptied my bowels on the floor, completely. I didn’t feel relieved at all. There had been no food in my stomach, no liquid except some blood because of the punches he had given me in the stomach. I was still holding the pipe I had used to smash his head. However, I had used it way more than I should have and that’s why I had to relieve myself just there. I tried not looking at his body but it was impossible not to do so. It was too bad not to look at him.

 I looked around me suddenly realizing that I was there alone. Luckily, the power station in ruins near the ocean had been a perfect place for him to drag me into. He had been brutal and I think that’s why I did what I did. So I stopped thinking about it and just dragged his body closer to the ocean. I knew bodies would often float to the surface and people would come asking questions. So I just left him there, by the water, to let nature do what she had to do, no matter what it was.

 I washed myself in the water and then stepped out of the ruins, leaving him there. I had to walk down the road, back to the nearest place where I could get a ride back to the city. I had to pretend I was happy, being some sort of crazy college guy that had way too much alcohol the last night. I had to make jokes to the nice young lady that took me back to town and I had to ask her to leave near a university not too far from my home. She was nice with me and I would always remember her kindness.

 When I entered my apartment, I had to use the key on the plant next to the door, where I had always hidden a copy. When I opened, my cat almost jumped on top of me, meowing loudly, calling my attention and also demanding that I fed him right that instant. After all, he had been alone for a whole day or maybe two. The truth was that I didn’t really know what day it was, as I had lost my cellphone when the man had kidnapped me and taken me to the ruins. I fed my cat first and then took a long shower.

 I wanted to feel clean but I couldn’t really do anything to remove the whole stench from my skin. Not only he had been a beast to me, inflicting even more damage than what was visible, but I also bleeding and hurting inside and in my brain. My cat stood by the door, as if he was watching over me and, somehow, that made me cry. I cried so much right under the water, so much so that I felt drowned for a moment. I stepped out some time later, to watch myself in the mirror and face what I had done. I had killed someone, in my own defense anyway, but I had done it nevertheless.

 After coming out of the shower, I pulled out a suitcase from a closet and then started putting my favorite clothes in there. When I had the suitcase filled up, I called my parents and told them I had been invited by a friend to visit him abroad. I asked them for money for the plane ticket and they were kind enough to give it to me. It wasn’t that they had money to give away but they had been putting away some money for me, in case I wanted to study something more in life or put up a business or something.

 The plane ticket was not so expensive, though. So it was easy on their pockets. I bought it right then, with my savings, and I would use my parents’ money for the trip that would become a permanent thing. I also asked my mom to come for my cat, because I would not be able to travel with him. I think I kissed that silly animal like a hundred times and hugged him to the point he scratched in the face. He’s crazy like that but I do love him and I knew I was going to miss him a lot. I left him there, all alone.

 My plane would be leaving the country in just a few hours. I arrived just in time, running from one checkpoint to the other in order to make it to the boarding gate. Once inside, I felt a little bit at ease, writing on my cellphone one last message to my mother. I told her I would be leaving for a week or more and that I would tell her anything new when it happened. I hung up and then started watching the sky and the clouds through the window, as the plane began moving on the tarmac, on to the sky.

 I fell asleep fast and when I woke up, the flight attendant was smiling at me, handing me a tray of food. I took it and ate it in a few minutes, discovering how hungry I was. I hadn’t eaten a piece of food in a long time, so I was in need of it. It was at the moment when I stood up to go to the bathroom, when a woman almost screamed at me, when I was reminded that that wasn’t a trip of pleasure but one to run away from everything. I wanted to be far from the place that reminded me of everything that had been done to me or by me.

 She had yelled because of the stain in my pants. I ran to the lavatory and closed the door, because I had felt the liquid blood beneath my thighs. I tried to clean it but the only thing I could achieve was to cry again, trying not to sob too hard. I didn’t want anyone to hear my voice; I didn’t want anyone to know what had happened. All of it was going to haunt me forever that was more than clear to me. I wasn’t going to walk away from all of it and things, all those little things life is made of, would haunt me to my last day. That was more than obvious to me.

 Someone then knocked at the door. I didn’t answer. Another knock and I was getting very nervous. Then, I heard the voice of the captain announcing that we were going to land very soon and that it was important for everyone to get back to their seat, as the descent was going to be bumpy.

 I head the knock again and then a soft voice, the same voice that have given me the food tray, asked me to open the door. I did. She had a pair of man’s pants on her hand and handed them to me. She asked me to be fast, smiling before closing the door.

 That’s another face I will never forget. Hers, the woman that drove me back home and his face. His face…

Endurance

   The moment he reached the top, Finn sat down next to the yellow flag and removed his shoes. He knew that to be a stupid thing to do, because he had to go back down at some point, but his feet were hurting so much that he needed them to breathe for a while. However, he did grab the flagpole and removed it from the soil. He then opened up his backpack and put the flag there, leaving the pole outside in order to use it as a cane, in the case his feet hurt him even more as he climbed down.

 He then sat down still and enjoyed the beautiful view. The mountain was the tallest one in the vicinity and it overlooked a very deep valley filled with trees and a stream that could be heard from that summit. Birds and other animals could also be heard and seen. It was an idyllic place to be in and it wasn’t a surprise they had chosen it to be part of that year’s race. They always chose beautiful places and the flag was always in the most remote place of the area chosen for the contest. Good choices anyhow.

 Finn wiggled his toes to make blood flow through them. As he did that, he closed his eyes and raised his head at the sun. For some reason, the clouds that had been covering the area all morning had mostly dissipated and now the sun could shine and bring joy to everyone, including the race’s contestants. It was nice to feel warmth on the skin, just as it was nice to participate in such an event that made people use their physical skills but also their wit and intelligence to solve puzzles and riddles.

 The race consisted in every contestant receiving a backpack with various things. They chose the backpacks randomly and each one had different things inside. However, they all received some sort of clue in order to begin the event. It was fun to do it with friends or if you liked to compete with other people. Finn, however, loved to do it because he had fun by himself. He had no friends to invite to such a thing and he wasn’t the type to enjoy competitions. He actually thought they were only for brutes.

 But he did love to enjoy himself in the woods, by a stream or just walking up and down a mountain. The problem was that he had made too much of an effort this time and his feet were too sore to continue. The game did consist in people finding the flag but they had to come back to the area’s entrance in order to win whatever prize the organizers had. Sometimes it was some money, some other times it was something like a gift card or sunglasses or things like that. The point was that with his feet hurting so much, Finn wasn’t going to get anywhere near the entrance point. He would have to forfeit from the whole thing.

 He expected someone to at least solve the hints fast and come help him go back down from the mountain. He would give that person the flag and just say he had been just behind them. The pain was increasing slowly and he was also beginning to have these pinches on his legs. It felt as if a scorpion had walked into his pants or something. For a moment he did think that was the case but then he remembered he was in a cold climate and there were no scorpions around, for thousands of kilometers.

 The young man waited up there for an hour and then another hour. By the third one, and after finishing one of the power bars that were inside his backpack, he decided to go back down by himself. He would probably get to the entrance by night, but it was really necessary for him to just go back and rest properly or even ask if they had a nurse or a doctor in place. It wasn’t normal that his feet were hurting so much. He was used to doing these sorts of things and didn’t make any sense that he was feeling so awful.

 Putting his shoes back was not an option. He did try but it made no sense to do it, as his feet seemed to have swollen up as he waited seating down. So the trek had to be done barefoot. As the mountain was covered with small stones, it hurt like hell but he then realized there were small patches of grass on it, so he tried to walk only on top of those. There were still some stones there and his feet were making him cry and yell silently, but he continued. Finn knew very well it was always easier to go down than to go up.

 He had walked up the mountain in less than thirty minutes but it took him three times that to make it to the bottom, to the tree line. There, it was almost impossible to walk barefoot. There were too many things on the ground including leaves, branches, roots and rotten fruit that had fallen from the trees. After stepping on something that looked like blueberries, he decided it was time to be a little smarter about the whole thing. So he sat back down and looked for something to use in his backpack.

 Having found nothing that could work, he did think about ripping the flag in two and using a piece on each foot in order to walk easier or at least with much less pain. However, he decided against it because the organizers could see that as something else, as him not wanting for others to find the flag, for example. So he left it alone and decided to do what he was going to do with the flag but with his own t-shirt. He took it off, ripped it in two pieces and carefully wrapped each one around each foot, trying to make something similar to the early shoes used by cavemen.

 After this short stop, he decided to continue through the forest, walking by the river that he knew he had to cross at some point. The bad thing was he had to do it by walking on top of a gigantic tree trunk but he would only worry about it once he saw the crossing. His feet were still in deep pain but at least he wasn’t carrying any more dirt or little stones between his toes. He had to make many five second stops along the way. Not only he was in pain but he was also getting very tired of the whole day.

 He heard wolves and birds and even something that seemed to be a board in the distance. That’s what made him fall in love with the whole thing: he loved nature and how free one could feel in it. The forest always felt alive and thriving, it always seemed there were many possibilities for it to move on and keep being that awesome place were everything felt so far away and where everyone seemed to be on the same level. It was almost an utopic place to be in, even if it was only for a couple of hours.

 But, by the time Finn got to the tree trunk, the sun had almost completely disappeared from the sky. He tried to move faster, climbing the trunk as fast as he could in order to cross over the river. After all, the entrance was not that far from that place and he could easily push himself to the limit in order to get there and finish the whole thing for the day. He was even thinking that he might miss the next one, just to have a bit of a rest.

 Climbing the trunk wasn’t easy and it took him various attempts to finally make it on top. Once there, he tried to modulate his breathing in order to cross in one go, not stopping at all. One, then two deep breaths and then he went. He was more than halfway through when one of his feet got a cramp and he lost his stability. In moments, Finn slipped from the tree trunk and fell straight into the water. The backpack’s weight pulled Finn down, who was in shock for the first few moments of the incident.

 However, he then tried to pull himself out but the only thing he was doing was fight a force he wasn’t able to submit. His feet were useless so his legs couldn’t propel him properly to the top. He started panicking, knowing he could not hold a long time underwater. He had never been good at that.

 Then, he felt something pull him out. He was dragged off the water and then over the grass on the other side. The sensation went away but he couldn’t see anything, as he felt he could not properly move. Then, the face of a young man such as himself appeared in front of him, all drenched in water. He smiled.