Realization

   Norman had never really had any dreams, no real aspirations for life. He had gone through high school with pain, due to his lack of interest for most subjects, and went on to take six months off to decide what he was doing next. His parents agreed but only because he had really made an effort in his last year to get the best scores possible to get into a good college. They weren’t magnificent scores but they were certainly much better anyone had hoped him to have.

 He loved animals so he thought of becoming a veterinarian. But decided not to when he realized he would have to operate and see wounds and things like that. He wasn’t the best person in the presence of blood or any substances like that.

 Then he analyzed the possibility of becoming an architect. But he really sucked at mathematics and at drawing so it didn’t make much sense. Engineering was also out of the question as well as anything to do with math.

 He turned to the arts and put aside at once anything very plastic. He had never been good with his hands. Literature seemed interesting but he didn’t very much mind reading and cinema required him to work in a group. Which was very hard because he tended to like being alone.

 There was also law school, which he found very boring, and psychology, which he thought was garbage wrapped in trash. Philosophy never ended up anywhere and there wasn’t really anything else he could choose in the available colleges.

 The only thing he was good at was typing, like the secretaries in the fifties. He was really good and was capable of writing really fast although he had no idea what he was writing about. So he looked it up and decided it would be interesting to become a translator. It seemed easy, it was something everyone needed in due time, they got to travel and it just seemed right for him. Besides, he had learned two languages in school besides his own so at least he had already begun his studies, in a way.

 After two years of the career, Norman met Drake. He was a stunning man who happened to be very well known in the small world of high schools that compete against each other. When they first met in college, Norman was sure he had met Drake before. The thing was, he hadn’t but he had seen him several times when he and his classmates would attend football matches to support their school team.

 Drake was the star of one of the other high schools and everyone knew him because of his slight accent and his popularity with women. Norman had checked him out a lot back in the games but never really thought of anything. Later on, through a mutual acquaintance, they met in college and hit it off right away.

 They would speak for hours about their time in high school, their personal experiences there and also about their lives as college students. Drake was studying to become an architect and Norman soon saw with his own eyes that he was really good at drawing. When he did it, he was always very focused, as if he was alone somewhere. It was something really nice to see.

 They labeled their relationship as friendship. Norman went to Drake’s house often and vice versa. Sometimes Norman would judge Drake’s drawings and designs and would help him find things to make his ideas more appealing to the teachers. Drake also helped Norman by learning all the verbs and their forms for the frequent exams that he had. He also timed his typing skills and they always had fun with that.

 Although Drake had two girlfriends during their time in college, Norman barely saw any of them. They didn’t really talked about it. It wasn’t really a surprise when, in their last semester, Drake confessed he thought he was n love with Norman. And Norman realized he had been in love from the first moment they had begun their friendship.

 So shortly after they were done with college, they moved in together and promised each other to make it work. They found a small apartment midway between each other’s jobs and just lived a nice life for a long time until Drake proposed. He was one of those guys that like all the classic stuff. He wanted his life to have it all and Norman accepted because he was happy and wanted Drake to be as happy as he could. 

 They got married in a beautiful retreat by the mountains with friends and family and celebrated it by travelling to a faraway island where they were treated like gods. Besides, their relationship grew stronger and they felt they really had someone to trust and talk to whenever they wanted to. It was one of their shared dreams and they had achieved it.

 But then, some years later, Drake asked Norman if he would like to get a child, through adoption or insemination. Drake had entered those years in which men have a desire to leave their mark in the world and the ideal way to do that is to have a child. Norman had to think about it for a while because it wasn’t an easy decision. It was the life of some poor kid they were talking about and he didn’t wanted to make a mistake with that.

 Months later, they decided to go to an agency where they would offer a woman willing to carry their baby for the duration of the pregnancy. It had been Norman that made the decision, as he decided that if they were going to have a child, it was best of it looked like one of them. He felt bad for all the children up for adoption but he just thought it was the best choice for them.

 The pregnancy months were difficult because one of them had to help the woman they had chosen with all her pregnancy related issues and the one who was less busy was Norman. He took her to the doctor and to the dentist and to those classes were pregnant women learning how to breathe and how to stay strong. She was a very nice woman that just needed money and had already been a mother so she knew what it was all about. She was a single mom and her parents were not very happy with their decision but she didn’t care about that.

 Norman had some time to work, mainly online, with official documents but had to stop travelling to take care of the pregnancy. When the baby was born, the woman disappeared after being paid and they had new responsibilities. Drake tried to get some months off but due to fact that they were two men; they only gave him half the normal time. They sued but nothing came out of that. They enjoyed their time together, now three, and when he went back to work it was Norman who had to put almost everything about his career on hold.

 He got a break when the child was bigger and they had people they trusted to leave him off with like their parents or sisters or brothers who already had children. Being a baby, they didn’t feel good doing it but now that little Kevin as older; it didn’t seem much of a problem.

 One day, it the supermarket, Norman realized he was looking for a different cereal box for each one of them as well as their favorite snacks and meals. He knew how to cook the best burgers with mushrooms and he created Kevin’s favorite juice, a combination of three tropical fruits. In front of the freezers filled with frozen fish, he realized he had become a “house husband”. He had never really intended to and now he was doing all the things that the house needed to get done in order to work.

 He loved dressing Kevin up in Halloween and kissing Drake every morning and having sex in the most unexpected times.

 Then, Kevin was in school, Drake was successful in his job and now had a company of his own and he traveled from time to time to act as translator for some government officials or in other events. When he did that, it was fun but he had much more fun at home, when he was cooking or making the house look good. He had finally found what he loved.

 Maybe it wasn’t the most popular job of them all but he loved the look on his family when they appreciated his hard work. They didn’t teach any of that in college and he certainly had no use for those damn high scores and grades.

Fruta

   El juego era muy simple: consistía en viajar por un mundo inventado, de varios países e islas, en el que el objetivo era recolectar la mayor cantidad de frutas distintas. Estaban las frutas comunes y corrientes como las fresas y los duraznos pero también había frutas inventadas como el “limassol” que era extremadamente ácido y solo podías ser consumido mezclado con otra fruta. Las frutas se conseguían por medio de retos y cada personaje tenía una mascota que lo ayudaba en su aventura.

 Todo los niños del mundo se engancharon de inmediato al juego y, en pocos meses, fue un éxito rotundo en todo el mundo. Se vendieron miles de copias y, con el tiempo, se fueron creando diferentes versiones que iban mejorando los diferentes aspectos del juego e iba introduciendo nuevos retos y posibilidades.

 Tomás era un de esos niños que se enamoró del juego. Tuvo la primera versión cuando tenía unos doce años y compró con el dinero de su mesada la segunda y la tercera versión. Pero cuando llegaron a la cuarta, ya estaba entrando a la universidad y sus prioridades cambiaron. Sin embargo seguía jugando las versiones que tenía, muy de vez en cuando, como para recordar la felicidad que sentía cuando se sumergía en ese mundo de mentiras que era tan apasionante y, por raro que parezca, real.

 Había largos periodos de tiempos en los que no jugaba pero siempre volvía. Así se pasó varios años hasta que tuvo un trabajo y, un día que estaba en una gran tienda por departamentos, vio la más reciente versión siendo promocionada. El aparato que debía usar para jugarlo era diferente al que tenía de hacía tantos años y eso que ese ya ni lo tenía (su madre lo había regalado en uno de sus descuidos).

 Un impulso hizo que comprar el aparato y el juego nuevo y al llegar a su casa empezó a jugar. Habían cambiado muchas cosas, como los gráficos y algunas reglas del juego. Había nuevos objetivos y, lo más curioso de todo, es que el aparato tenía capacidad de conexión a internet para poder intercambiar frutas y conocimiento con otros jugadores. Al comienzo Tomás no uso esa función porque quería jugar como lo hacía antes pero eventualmente se dio cuenta que debía usarla.

 Como solo jugaba los fines de semana, tuvo que esperar a un sábado en la mañana para darse cuenta que el juego entraba a algo así como una sala de chat y allí cada jugador anunciaba lo que quería vender o lo que quería comprar. Algunas frutas muy extrañas se compraban con dinero real, otras con dinero del juego. Solo por intentarlo una vez, Tomás se propuso comprar una de las más raras que no costaba mucho dinero real. Lo haría una vez y ya.

 Otro jugador vendía lo que él buscaba así que lo saludó y le pidió que le vendiera la fruta extraña a él. El otro jugador respondía lentamente y Tomás se pasó toda la mañana tratando de comprar la fruta. De repente, el jugador escribió que sus padres por fin se habían ido y ya podía jugar tranquilamente. A Tomás eso le hizo gracia y le preguntó al jugador si a sus padres les disgustaba que jugase videojuegos. Respondió que sí, porque no hacía otra cosa.

 Después de un rato hicieron efectivo el intercambio y dejaron de hablar. Tomás tenía que recoger ese día a su madre para ir a visitar a su abuelo, así que pronto se olvidó de todo lo que tuviera que ver con juegos y jugadores. Pero cuando volvió a casa esa misma noche, jugó un poco antes de dormir. Cuando ya eran las dos de la mañana, se dio cuenta de que no dormiría bien si seguía jugando. Iba a dejar el aparato en la mesita de noche cuando la lucecita roja brilló: era un mensaje.

 Era el jugador que le había vendido la fruta. Quería saber si estaba interesado en otra fruta que tenía, muy extraña también, y que podía cambiar por otra si no tenía dinero. Tomás le explicó que tenía dinero pero que no quería más frutas y menos por ese día, era muy tarde. El jugador le explicó que jugaba casi todas las noches, horas y horas, pues sus padres muchas veces lo mantenían despierto con sus peleas y otras veces porque no llegaban a casa.

 En esa ocasión, le dijo a Tomás que se sentía solo porque no habían vuelto todavía. Tomás sintió lástima y empezó a hacerle preguntas al azar del estilo: “¿Tienes una mascota?” o “¿Y tus amigos?”. El jugador las respondía y parecía que el interés era mutuo. Se preguntaron varios detalles y se contaron historias de su experiencia con el juego. Fueron horas hasta que el jugador dijo que debía irse pero que le agradecía a Tomás por su compañía.

 Al otro día, domingo, Tomás pensó en el jugador todo el día. Pensaba que de pronto era un tipo como él o, seguro, alguien un poco más joven que lo único que quería era hablar con alguien. No se habían dicho nombres ni edades porque no creía que importara y porque, para ser honesto, creía que no hacía falta. El jugador hablaba con palabras que sonaban rebuscadas pero era obvio que él las usaba con frecuencia. Debía ser, a lo mucho, un estudiante de universidad. Pensó en preguntárselo.

 Pero no volvieron a hablar hasta el siguiente fin de semana. Los padres del jugador le habían quitado el aparato toda la semana y al parecer él estaba muy mal, muy triste porque no tenía muchos amigos ni sentía que pudiese hacer nuevos así de la nada. Tomás trató de consolarlo.

-       Podemos ser amigos, si quieres.

 Entonces la actitud del jugador cambió y se pasaron todo ese día hablando de sus vidas. El chat era para el juego y para intercambios y se cortaba después de cierto tiempo. Pero entonces Tomás le dio su número al jugador y le sugirió que se escribieran por una de las aplicaciones del teléfono. Así tuvieron más tiempo para hablar y lo hacían con mucha más frecuencia. Hablaban de todo un poco, de películas y de música y de noticias que hubiesen escuchado.

 Muchos meses después, Tomás se dio cuenta que no era normal hablar tanto con alguien y no saber cómo era físicamente. A pesar de la tecnología, no creía en eso de tener amistades cibernéticas con las que jamás tuviese una interacción real. Eso sí, él tenía sus amigos y amigas y se veía con ellos con frecuencias pero el jugador despertaba su interés de alguna manera. Tomás se preguntó si de pronto le gustaba para más que una amistad pero simplemente no se respondió la pregunta.

 Directamente, y sin tapujos, le pidió al jugador que se conocieran en persona. Antes que este contestara, dio varias razones de peso para hacerlo y dijo que podrían ir a ver los nuevos juegos en una tienda o ir una exhibición de videojuegos que había en un centro de convenciones. Tuvo que esperar varias horas hasta que el jugador aceptó. Dijo que eso le daba una razón para salir de casa y no tener que estar encerrado con sus padres.

 De nuevo, hablaron por horas, sobre todo de lo que verían en la exhibición. Había otros juegos que les gustaban y que querían ver pero era más que obvio que ambos se querían conocer porque tenían curiosidad de ver cómo era el otro. Al final de la conversación, el jugador escribió solo esto:

-       Quiero conocerte y que seamos amigos. Mi nombre, por cierto, es Daniel.

 Y entonces Tomás pensó toda la noche en el nombre Daniel. Pensó en todas las personas con ese nombre que había conocido jamás y también el los famosos con ese nombre y en los personajes de ficción. Se obsesionó por completo con el nombre hasta tener una imagen preconcebida de cómo debía lucir el Daniel jugador. Decidió que si era universitario, lo invitaría a beber algo. Y si era mayor, pues también.

 El día de la exhibición llegó temprano y esperó, como convenido en una banca frente a la entrada. Había más bancas, ocupadas solo por una madre y el cochecito del bebé y otra por un niño de unos once años.

 Tomás esperó y esperó pero no parecía que Daniel fuese a llegar y la fila se hacía cada vez más larga. Se dijo a si mismo que esperaría solo cinco minutos más y fue entonces cuando el niño de once años se le acercó y le dijo:

-       ¿Disculpa, eres Tomás?

 Instintivamente, Tomás miró a todas partes menos al niño que tenía enfrente. La mujer del bebe se puso de pie y se fue con su cochecito.  Cuando por fin miró a Daniel a la cara, este estaba casi llorando y entonces Tomás se dio cuenta de que dejaría la fruta de lado.

The sound of latex

   I could hear it once and again and again. Every single time I closed my eyes, I remembered that noise and it made me sick. For some reason, I couldn’t stand it but the roots of the problem were probably much deeper. No one just has an irrational disgust for something, it always come from somewhere.

 To be precise, it was the sound of latex pulling out of their bodies. That was the sound that made me sick, repeating itself once and again and again on my brain. Every single guy I ended up with had that faculty of making a strange noise when they removed a condom after we had finished and it was the only thing I remembered clearly.

 Yes, you could say I was a bit promiscuous but I always took care of myself. That was the only thing that was constant in those dates, in those outings if you will. The rest was always slightly different but always ended with that horrible sound and it stuck in my head.

 One time, the sound was so very ingrained in my ears that I couldn’t really hear anything else. So after getting out of that house, or being kicked out probably, I put on my headphones and tried some loud music to make me forget about the sound. But it kept coming back every time and it made my stomach turn.

 The last time, I actually had to vomit by a tree in the middle of the night. I guess I couldn’t take it anymore and my body had to translate what it felt in whatever way possible. After doing that, I felt weak and disgusted and sad. I started crying right there and was thankful no one was walking down that street at that time of night.

 I decided to walk home, which was not the best idea but I knew no taxi driver would pull out for me in the state I was in. I was disgusting and tried to fix it by taking off my now dirty t-shirt and folding it to keep inside one of the big pockets in my coat, which I closed tightly due to the cold weather at night.

 I walked a few blocks and then realized I had no idea where I was going. My brain was confused; I was lost and had no idea why. I couldn’t form a rational thought in my head and I slapped myself hard in the face to wake up and do something that made sense but it didn’t work at all. I don’t remember having had anything to drink that day and I don’t do drugs. I’m not that fucked up yet. But I didn’t feel normal and started worrying that maybe the guy I had been with had done something to me. I tried to remember and the only thing that came to my mind was the horrible sound of latex.

 I covered my ears and started crying again and tried to keep on walking but I couldn’t. It was too difficult, too complicated for me to keep on moving with all the images that were coming to my mind. It was like seeing many photo albums at the same time, and these were all about my sexual encounters with random men. I knew what I did and how I did it but apparently my brain and my body were trying to tell me that they couldn’t do it anymore.

 Suddenly, I collapsed. I fell to the ground on my knees, getting hurt really badly. The world started to turn and the only thing I could hear was latex…

 When I woke up, I was still very dizzy. I was lying in some sort of bench but I wasn’t in a park or anything like that. I instantly smelled food and my stomach growled, complained it had nothing inside. The light was very bright and when I tried to get up, a man got closer and told me I could rest there all I wanted.

 He was really nice, he looked nice at least. His smile was soothing and I just did what he said. I put my back against the wall and keep my legs up on the bench like chairs and realized I was in a small restaurant, the kind of place you an find really late at night, for those who want something to eat after partying or having a load of beer or any other alcohol. After all, they say fat brings the drunkenness down.

 I stay there, unable to close my eyes again. My head still felt like a toy used by a baby but I could at least focus on what my eyes were seeing because it made me feel a bit more relaxed. The guy that had come up to me appeared to be the only employee working the night shift. He brought food to the two busy tables and started mopping the floors when he had a moment. It was then he looked at me and I couldn’t help it. I had to smile.

 He smiled back and then my smile disappeared. He was very beautiful, an angel, and I couldn’t just smile in the state I was in. I was a disgrace; a fallen being that didn’t deserve any kind of kindness. I had always thought I was a little bit below everyone else, so maybe that’s why I preferred to be submitted to others and that’s why it was who always heard the sound of latex, every single time.

 The smell of food made my belly growl again and I decided it was time to leave. When I put my feet on the ground, the man got closer and told me I should wait, as he was going to end his shift as soon as the sun rose in a few minutes. Then, he could take me home in his motorcycle. He said he would feel much better if he did that because he didn’t want me to be in danger.

 In my head, I wondered why the hell he cared about me and if I got killed or if I vomited again in another tree. Maybe he had seen so many fucked up guys in the world that he just had to help them. Or maybe he knew of someone who could have used that help and now was dead because no one had given him a hand when he was drunk and wasted.

 I just sat down and waited and the thought that maybe he wanted me for something more passed my mind. And I decided I would fall on purpose of the motorcycle before I accepted to that. I couldn’t be this person anymore and that included hooking up with any person I saw on the street, no matter how kind and nice they were to me. So if he wanted more, he wouldn’t get it. My business was close.

 I laughed when I thought of that, because of the phrasing, and some of the people paying their food looked at me with disgust. They probably smelled my t-shirt or simply saw who I was and knew I was just the scum of the Earth sitting there, too close to them, and that made them cringe. I thought that they had probably done awful things too, but they had that thing that most people have when you lie to yourself about what you do. I had lost that, that very night.

 I had no shame anymore, no standards or limits. I was well past any of that. And I couldn’t lie to myself about it. I was who I was and that was a fact and the truth and nothing I could tell myself could change that. It was a bit sad but at least it was honest and I hadn’t been honest in a while, so it felt really good.

 The guy came out of the kitchen wearing a black leather jacket and his helmet. I walked closely behind him towards the motorcycle. He met the guy that would take the next turn. That one didn’t look at me, which was something really weird as I was only a few centimeters away. He took me out of my thoughts asking me my address and I said it, robotically.

 We got on the motorcycle and left that place. He accelerated and I pressed my hands around his waist, about to fall asleep once again. We got to my place in no time and was surprised because he didn’t said anything about coming up and it was indeed my house because the doorman recognized me.

  I stood there by the motorcycle and he just took a good look at me and asked: “What happened to you?” I opened my mouth and then closed it again because I wasn’t sure I understood the question. I didn’t know what he meant. He didn’t wait for the answer anyway. He winked at me, told me we would meet again and then drove away fast.

 That morning, before I fell asleep again, the sound of latex came back to my mind. But it was now mixed with the sound of the motorcycle, the image of a wink and the thought that, maybe, life hadn’t been able to destroy every single part of me. Maybe, I wasn’t done.