I did it

    I did it. I have to acknowledge, after long hours of thinking and deciding was it’s best, that I do have to consider what I have done and said. The fact that now I present myself as a guilty man, does not mean that I think that everything that happened that night and the following years, was all under my control. As you know, things can happen and we just can’t control ourselves, we are driven by something else, some other version of us that is more primal and simpler or more sophisticated and brilliant. No, I’m not trying to excuse myself but I am trying to explain what I think that has to be explained. After all, many of you would be reading this wondering how I ended up here.

 They have labeled me as someone with privilege and I have to accept that my life has been much richer in objects and shallow things that most people’s. I had the chance of having been born into a family that was able to provide with many things, many which were useful like education and others that could have gotten me away from this mess. I don’t blame, at all, my parents or anyone else for what happened. I know that it was me, and me only, who caused so much pain and misery. But I cannot talk about all of this and ignore the fact that I was able to spend money when others weren’t able to do it. Yes, I was privileged but in no way have I ever been rich, loaded with some many things I couldn’t remember all of them. That’s not my life, don’t believe that from them.

 I started writing this letter because my therapist thought it would be easier for me to talk about all of this in this form. I have never really been one to write or to ever think much about anything. But this trial, this process, it has taken over seven years of my life. I was another person when I did it. I do not mean that I am less guilty because of that but I think it’s important you understand every single aspect of this situation from my point of view. After all, al of this time you have seen me as an evil character, someone worst than the devil, like a serial killer or something. And that’s not me. I do have a soul and I do have a brain and feelings.

 The hardest part of this whole process has been having my parents live it with me. They didn’t deserve to be drawn into this vortex of media frenzy, hate from every corner and suppositions and insults and so many other things that have made this time a living hell. I don’t say I don’t deserve it but they are innocent in all of this. My upbringing had nothing to do with why I did it, they didn’t have anything to do with it because they were great parents, they were great people who I actually pushed away in that moment and I do believe that if I had being closer to them, if I had been a good son, maybe I wouldn’t be writing this letter from a rusty table in a very small cell of a major prison.

 About life in jail, I do not want to talk about. It is well known that I have avoided death several times here. They think I’m far worse than them and I honestly don’t know if that’s true. But if I have to remain here for the rest of my life, I want to live as long as they do, as comfortably as they do, because they do have many things here, like outside. The men that have tried to hurt me are the ones that handle a small black market that trades every single thing you can imagine, even those razors they have tried to use to kill me. But I have to say here, without any modesty, that they have nothing to do with me in a fight. They might be big and tough and now the drug world and the hard life but my life had rough patches too and during many of those times I learned a couple of things.

 No, I don’t really want to sound like a bad guy. Maybe I am but I do not want to sound like that. I just think I just should be given the same chances that everyone else has. But I know I am here and that I will possibly live here until I die so at least I want to make this work. Yes, that doesn’t make any sense but I don’t think it has to have any sense at all. I did something wrong, a bit drunk and high but I did it and now, I think I can take the punishment. Because I did it and I have to recognize that. I did do it and I am sorry.

 I know that, for many years during the trial and all of the process, my lawyer has insisted that I was so wasted, so consumed by marihuana and cocaine and booze that I had no idea about anything, that I couldn’t have done even if that had been my intention. The truth is I do remember some flashes, like fragments of my memory and I have to confess they are very confusing. I do not now if I remember those parts more because my brain was really fucked up or because I have chosen unconsciously to only remember bits and pieces.

 I do remember the party. Fuck, that was a huge party and the kind of party I had gone to many times without anything weird happening. I’m not proud of it, but back then I was just starting my career and I had so much going on. I was very popular in every sense possible and successful too, so people liked to make me feel special and tended to my every need as if I was an all powerful being that needed to be pampered every single second of his life. And I was. Many brought me alcohol, others brought me drugs and others brought themselves. And we would party all night.

 Another confession: I was in the closet during all those years. I had never dared to publicly tell anyone that I fucked men but people that knew me really well did know and I think some of them are responsible for what happened to Blake. I mean, I did it and I acknowledge that but they should be here too.

 After all one of them was his cousin. He brought me cocaine and other stuff that I would use in private with my lovers. Yes, because I had many. Back then, I had bought this nice apartment, nothing too fancy, and that was where everything happened. My business grew in there, all the parties and the craziness happened there and what happened and got me here also happened there. I wasn’t thinking, that is obvious. I wasn’t smart enough to know that many of those people that fed me all of those things I consumed were not my friends; they didn’t really want me as a significant part of their lives. They were just leeches, taking away things from me and I didn’t even saw it.  I actually think I didn’t want to see it because it would have been obvious otherwise.

  They did fake it for long and just like Robert, Blake’s cousin; they all brought me things that I would enjoy. He was the one who gave Blake to me as a present and I have to confess Blake didn’t know anything or at least he didn’t seem to know anything. I cannot say anything for sure and I wouldn’t be the kind of person to blame the victim. As I have said many times, it’s Roberts fault and mine, of course. He brought to my birthday party and just presented him as a friend. I did like him because he’s a beautiful guy but the party went on and I don’t remember launching myself at him from the first second.

 I was too busy getting high and performing that sick and stupid persona I had created for everyone else to see. It was such a fake, such a false representation of what I was. Or rather, what I had been. Because just a few years earlier, before money and false friends, I was a guy trying to live his life and even falling in love. I was normal and I was a human and I do believe I’m a human now, even if many of you don’t think so. I have feeling and I know that because I have barely endured all of these years trying not to be consumed by my own hatred, by guilt and so much pain. Because what I did not only affect one person. It also affected me. I know, I am not the victim but that’s how I feel.

 The fact is, however, that I vaguely remember finally speaking to him. I was drunk but I tried to make me look great in front of him. Then my memory goes very blurry, I think we did cocaine and he was wasted much faster than me. The next fragment I have in my head is him falling slowly on my bed, the sound of the music far away and me trying to take off his jeans. I remember him fighting, I do remember it… Oh my god, I remember. He was fighting, as much as he could and he couldn’t do much. The cocaine had gotten into him all right. Then, the next image is me forcing myself onto him and my hand feeling wet over his mouth.

 Then, I woke up the following morning, alone. And then the path to this cell started. I did rape him and I know that now, I accept it now, It is I fact and I am ashamed of it. I do blame drugs and alcohol and also Robert for having had the audacity to do that, almost setting a trap for me to fall into. But the fact remains that I did it, that I am guilty. And I would repeat this as many times as it’s necessary. Because I have come to the conclusion that I cannot live in this way any longer. I want peace. I did it.

Eras tú

   Estabas de espaldas y por eso no fue fácil reconocerte. La clave fue reconocer el suéter que tenías puesto, el que compraste ese día que fuimos juntos a comprar ropa. Ese día, tu no parabas de hablar y creo que era una manera de decirme que no querías hablar de lo otro, de nuestra inminente separación. No entendías, ni tratabas de hacerlo, que yo no me iba por decisión propia. Al fin y al cabo éramos niños todavía. Estábamos entrando a la adolescencia pero tu de eso no querías saber nada. Querías que me quedara y tu manera de decirlo fue hablar y hablar y hablar, pues si seguías sin parar yo no tendría oportunidad de escapar de ti. Eras joven y no entendías que eso no era amistad, era algo distinto.

 Ese día me pediste todo el día y te lo concedí. Me hablaste de tus planes a futuro, como si fueras un gran empresario, y me explicaste que el negocio del yogur helado era cada vez más rentable. No sé si te diste cuenta pero yo sonreí varias veces pero no porque me dieras ganar de reír sino porque te admiraba de verdad. Estabas convencido de todo lo que decías, lo anunciabas todo con tanto empeño y claridad, estabas seguro de tu futuro éxito y querías que todo el mundo supiera. Sin embargo, creo que no te dabas cuenta que también era obvio que te sentías solo, que tu casa no era el lugar donde te gustaba estar y que cuando me besaste al despedirnos sentí tus labios temblar.

 Eras un niño en esa época y hoy lo sigues siendo. Cuando me miras de frente, por fin, sé quién eres pero tu no te acuerdas de mi. En tus ojos no veo ninguna chispa, ningún asomo de asombro o de sorpresa. Están apagados pero tan brillantes y grandes como siempre. Los tienes un poco cansados, debe ser por el trabajo porque te convertiste en ese hombre de negocios que siempre quisiste ser. No me sorprende que hayas seguido tus sueños, pues siempre tuviste empuje, siempre quisiste más de todo. Tu ambición por ser mejor la reconocí en ese tiempo y ahora me haces ver que no me equivocaba.

 No me reconoces y lo entiendo. Sabes que me fui hace tanto tiempo y que lloraste y estuviste mal por muchos meses hasta que te diste cuenta que la situación no iba a cambiar por mucho que dejaras los ojos en la almohada. Éramos niños cuando nos conocimos pero creo que fuiste el primero en convertirse en hombre y lo hiciste cuando me dejaste en el pasado. Tu vida después, no me la sé muy bien. Sin embargo, nunca supiste que eras observado por ojos que sabían que habías sido mi mejor amigo y ellos me informaban, cada mucho, como estabas y que hacías. Si tu supieras todo esto de pronto te escandalizaría, te asustarías y saldrías corriendo de mi presencia. Y sin embargo me das la mano y me hablas de tu negocio y no parece que sepas quién soy.

 Tu no sabes que cuando cambié de ciudad, en ese entonces, también cambié de vida y de manera de ver el mundo. Tu lo pasabas bien, lo supe. Tuviste varias novias y eras un galán con todas las chicas del colegio. Te convertiste en un casanova y, en palabras de otros que no nombraré, en el chico más guapo de nuestra secundaria. No supe más de ti hasta la graduación. Salías sonriente, feliz, en la foto que te tomaron a la salida de la ceremonia. Nunca supiste que la mía fue un año después, ya que tuve que repetir un año escolar por bajo rendimiento. Fue así que dejaste de estar en mi vida, ya no eras alguien de quién quisiera saber nada pues estábamos ya muy lejos y muy adelante para alcanzarte, si es que de eso se trataba. Dolió mucho pero creo que tu, mejor que nadie, lo entenderías.

 Y ahora estás aquí. Me hablas de cómo quieres expandir tu marca por toda la ciudad. Ya tienes tres ubicaciones de tu famoso yogurt helado, con el que revolucionaste el comercio local y ahora quieres hacerlo más grande y mejor. Viniste a esta firma de publicidad y te encontraste conmigo pero no sabes quién soy y, ahora, viéndonos todos los días, no veo cambio en tus ojos y sé que simplemente esos tiempos quedaron en el pasado. Me pasas informes y propuestas y te explico que puede ir bien para tu producto y para el tipo de comercio que buscas tener. Me miras a los ojos y me hablas, con una pasión que me hace sentirme abrazado, del esfuerzo que te ha tomado construir tu pequeño imperio y de las grandes ambiciones que tienes para él. Me preguntas si es posible y te digo que todo lo es.

 El contrato de asesoría es por un año y se puede renovar si el cliente lo desea. Ya han pasado seis meses y tu no pareces querer renovarlo. Sí, también pienso que ya tienes suficiente y que podrías lanzarte a la aventura así nada más pero tienes que saber que me encantaría seguirte viendo dos veces a la semana. Me hablas y me hablas, como ese último día y no tienes ni idea. En tus ojos no hay indicio, ni en tu cuerpo ni en tu voz ni en ninguna parte. No sabes quién soy y duele mucho pues eres una visión de un tiempo más fácil, de una época más fresca y menos difícil. Eres casi como un espejismo que no quiere desaparecer.

 Otro mes se evapora y casi quisiera que rogaras por la renovación del contrato. Debes saber que se haría en un abrir y cerrar de ojos, de manera rápida y especial solo para ti. El otro día, no sé si te fijaste, me cogiste la mano para enseñarme como dibujar el logo de empresa. Si alguna vez has visto un rojo tan brillante en tu vida, dímelo.  Al parecer tampoco notaste mis palpitaciones y como mi mano empezó a sudar ligeramente.  Tenías un desastre ambulante en frente y no te diste cuenta. Hubieses podido decir algo justo entonces, hubieses podido sorprenderme con alguna revelación fantástica pero no hiciste nada. Solo me hiciste dibujar y luego te alejaste.

 Es difícil. Los días pasan tan rápidamente como si alguien los quemara en las hornillas de la vida y todos ellos se convierten en un polvo que nadie puede retener. Todo va tan rápido, todo se mueve tan deprisa que creo que incluso tu quisiera que el mundo se detuviese por un momento para poder respirar y ver el entorno. Incluso tu quisieras caminar descalzo por un prado, en la parte alta de una colina, y ver el campo desde allí. Incluso tu quisieras ver la calma de lo que alguna vez fue o lo que pudo haber sido. Lo último es menos probable, seguro eres menos susceptible al pasado que la mayoría, porque te ves fuerte, con una voluntad férrea que encanta y a la vez intimida un poco. Sabes que eres cautivador, es fácil darse cuenta de ello. Te queda mucho todavía de aquel joven casanova.

 Solo falta un mes y el contrato se termina. Los últimos días se ponen lentos, como si el tiempo mismo quisiera torturar a las almas perdidas, a aquellos que no saben si arriba es arriba o abajo es abajo. Ese cambio de ritmo casi duele en los huesos y es entonces que por fin aparece una señal en tus ojos. Pero no es la que se buscaba. Es un brillo de tristeza, de miedo. Uno de esos días, de los últimos, me confiesas que temes que todo fracase, me confiesas que tu miedo es por tu empresa, por los años que has trabajado por todo lo que tienes y que tal vez pueda desaparecer en cualquier momento. Dices estar feliz con lo logrado pero también que no quieres perder ninguna parte de la esencia de lo que eres al crecer, al expandir lo que requiere más espacio para crecer.

 Sientes una de mis manos sobre tu hombro y escuchas, con calma, como  tu empresa va a ser un éxito en el mercado. En apenas una semana se acaba nuestro contrato y escuchas como los planes que hemos estado elaborando ya están dando sus primeros frutos. Todo está listo para que crezcas, para que sepas lo que es ser un empresario envidiado, exitoso de verdad. Escuchas, sonriendo, los ánimos y buenos deseos que la compañía tiene para ti, pero no escuchas nada que venga de mi porque eso no importa. Sientes que la mano se retira y la conexión se rompe. Aunque no lo del todo, pues en ese preciso momento me miras y sabes quién soy. Lo sabes todo y puede que lo hayas sabido desde siempre. Tus ojos se ven como cuando éramos jóvenes y por un momento eres ese niño con una idea y con una ambición más grande que el cuerpo.

 El contrato termina. Cada uno por su lado. Tu te vas a tus cosas, a tu empresa y a tus planes de comerte el mundo. No lo sabes pero serás un gran personaje, uno de esos pocos que la gente de verdad admira y respeta. Ya eres una persona querida pero lo serás mucho más. Y no sabes que una de esas personas que te quiere estuvo tan cerca de ti todo este tiempo.

 Pero a decir verdad, yo a ti no te quiero. Porque creo que siempre te he amado.

OSCARS 2016: Winners Predictions

Well, here we are again. Let's break it down:

Best Picture

Will win: The Revenant

Could win: Spotlight

Should win: Mad Max: Fury Road

Nominee prediction results: 7/8

I rarely agree with the Academy and this year is no exception. It is clear that The Revenant is the current favorite, with former frontrunner Spotlight very close behind. There could be a surprise but I doubt it. The sad thing is that the real masterpiece of the year has very little chance of winning.

Best Director

Will win: Alejandro G. Iñárritu (The Revenant)

Could win / Should win: George Miller (Mad Max: Fury Road)

Nominee prediction results: 4/5

Iñárritu did a fine job but not better than last year's Birdman. I'm not a fan of that movie but he did a great work there and awarding him twice would be just too much. Besides, Miller is the one to reward for the best action movie in a very long time.

Best Actor in a Leading Role

Will win / Should win: Leonardo DiCaprio (The Revenant)

Could win: Michael Fassbender (Steve Jobs)

Nominee prediction results: 4/5

It's time. That simple. He's performance is very good and he just deserves it after so long. Yet, many people still thing he shouldn't win. We will see if they have strong voices.

Best Actress in a Leading Role

Will win / Should win: Brie Larson (Room)

Could win: No one else really...

Nominee prediction results: 5/5

I was surprised to be right about Lawrence being nominated again. But whatever, no one has any chance of winning except Larson. Ronan was a frontrunner early on but the awards started flying towards Larson. She certainly deserves it.

Best Actor in a Supporting Role

Will win: Sylvester Stallone (Creed)

Could win: Tom Hardy (The Revenant)

Should win: Mark Rylance (Bridge of Spies)

Nominee prediction results: 3/5

Now this is hard to predict. This category is frequently predictable but not this year. I'm predicting Stallone winning because he's very well liked and the performance is really touching, he gives the movie a father figure that just works. Rylance performance though is very subtle but just right, not flashy, very paced. And Tom Hardy could win if The Revenant just sweeps.

Best Actress in a Supporting Role

Will win / Should win:: Alicia Vikander (The Danish Girl)

Could win: Kate Winslet (Steve Jobs)

Nominee prediction results: 4/5

Vikander is the heart of the movie and we all know she should be on the leading category and not in this one. However, category fraud will give her her first Academy Awards. Only Winslet could spoil but she has only won awards when Vikander wasn't there. Besides, Vikander has Ex Machina and Testament of Youth in her favor.

Best Adapted Screenplay

Will win / Should win: The Big Short

Could win: Room

Nominee prediction results: 4/5

The movie is just too good to leave empty handed. However, there are many fans of Room that may want to give another accolade to the movie.

Best Original Screenplay

Will win: Spotlight

Could win: Straight Outta Compton

Should win: Ex Machina or Inside Out

Nominee prediction results: 4/5

Sorry, I just couldn't decide for only one option as I loved Ex Machina and Inside Out. They were true beautiful stories, very well told and with fantastic scenes, all thanks to the screenplays. However this prize is probably Spotlight's. If it loses the top prize, this is the consolation prize. Yet, Straight Outta Compton could spoil in a year of controversy in the industry.

Best Animated Feature Film

Will win / Should win: Inside Out

Could win: ø

Nominee prediction results: 3/5

Inside Out is this year animation masterpiece although the list of nominees was just perfect this year.

Best Foreign Language Film

Will win: Son of Saul (Hungary)

Could win: Mustang (France)

Should win: You know...

Nominee prediction results: 4/5

I was happy to see my country nominated for the first time. That's always great. However, the Hungarian entry has won almost every prize this season (they do love WWII) and if someone spoils their party it will be the Turkish movie that represents France.

Best Documentary Feature Film

Will win / Should win: Amy

Could win: The Look of Silence

Nominee prediction results: 2/5

I loved Amy. So contemporary and, sadly, timeless. Yet, the choices are so varied a surprise could happen.

Best Documentary Short Subject

Will win: Body Team 12

Could win: Claude Lanzmann: Spectres of the Shoah

Should win: A Girl in the River: The Price of Forgiveness

Nominee prediction results: 3/5

Random guess. Didn't watch any of these. Sorry.

Best Live Action Short Film

Will win: Shok

Could win: Stutterer

Should win: No idea...

Nominee prediction results: 3/5

Didn't see them...

Best Animated Short Film

Will win: Prologue

Could win: Sanjay's Super Team

Should win: Bear Story

Nominee prediction results: 3/5

Another random guess based on images from all the short films.

Best Original Score

Will win / Should win: The Hateful Eight

Could win: Carol

Nominee prediction results: 4/5

Ennio Morricone is a legend and he deserves a prize for his work, even if he already has an honorary one.

Best Original Song

Will win: "Til it Happens to You" from The Hunting Ground

Could win: "Earned it" from Fifty Shades of Grey

Should win: "Manta Ray" from Racing Extinction

Nominee prediction results: 2/5

This is the crazy category, when anything can happen and it did. Three music stars nominated. I think it's Warren's time to finally win and Gaga fans can go insane.

Best Sound Editing

Will win / Should win: Mad Max: Fury Road

Could win: Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Nominee prediction results: 4/5

That damn race! Just perfect.

Best Sound Mixing

Will win / Should win: Mad Max: Fury Road

Could win: The Revenant

Nominee prediction results: 4/5

So much action cannot go unnoticed.

Best Production Design

Will win / Should win: Mad Max: Fury Road

Could win: The Danish Girl

Nominee prediction results: 3/5

Those cars are insane. So much work and it was all worth it.

Best Cinematography

Will win / Should win: The Revenant

Could win: Mad Max: Fury Road

Nominee prediction results: 4/5

Lubezki has won twice so maybe one would think it is too much. But it isn't. The guy is just brilliant. Although I wouldn't mind Seale or that poor Deakins winning.

Best Makeup and Hairstyling

Will win / Should win: Mad Max: Fury Road

Could win: The Revenant

Nominee prediction results: 2/3

Every character is an example of why Mad Max deserves this award.

Best Costume Design

Will win: Mad Max: Fury Road

Could win: The Revenant

Should win: Mad Max: Fury Road or The Danish Girl

Nominee prediction results: 4/5

My runner up is The Revenant because many would vote for them for any category. Not me. I like all nominees but that dystopian future is just too good, on men and women.

Best Film Editing

Will win / Should win: Mad Max: Fury Road

Could win: Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Nominee prediction results: 3/5

The fact that Spolight is here is he only reason why the movie could still win Best Picture. Yet, it's a year of action movies so it would be shameful not to award this prize to any of the two action packed picture in the roster.

Best Visual Effects

Will win: Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Could win: Mad Max: Fury Road

Should win: Ex Machina

Nominee prediction results: 4/5

The Revenant here means the Academy REALLY loved that movie because I have seen better FX in films not nominated. It's just nonsense. I take a leap of fate here, even if it may not be a very likely choice.

TOTALS

Mad Max: Fury Road > 6

The Revenant > 4

Amy, Body Team 12, Creed, The Big Short, The Danish Girl, The Hateful Eight, The Hunting Ground, Inside Out, Prologue, Room, Son of Saul, Spotlight, Star Wars: The Force Awakens > 1 each

This is it people. Let's hear it tomorrow night!