Own poison

   I’m empty.  Have you ever felt, at least for a moment, that there’s no more gasoline inside of you? What I mean is, sometimes we just run out. We stop and there’s nothing to keep us going, at least for that very moment. And it feels eternal, like years and years could be put inside a small grain of sand and relived in a single breath. Everything seems still and it’s maddening because the human body, the human soul is not built for such hardship. We are made to be and to move and if we stop we just go insane.

 I did go insane for a little while. I felt the world crumbling around me, cracks opening on the floor and darkness in front of me. In that moment, there’s only you and no one else. Your friends, your family, they do not matter because you fall hard and deep into oblivion where no one could ever find you. And then that darkness penetrates your heart and makes you scream in terror without even opening your mouth. It is the feeling of real pain, of universal rendition to the darkest feelings and situations that the human heart can go through. In that moment, we are lost.

 But it always ends. Or at least for me, it has always ended. The light comes back and the back seems the same although I feel particularly changed inside. The feeling might be compared to the one you feel when riding a rollercoaster but blind and even deaf. That’s what it feels to fall into you and to get lost for the fraction of a second. When you come back, nothing really has happened outside your mind but you know it did happen inside. And then, like a poison, madness settles in. It slowly contaminates the brain, working for years, slowly. This poison has no real antidote but it can be stopped, maybe not forever but at least for enough time to build a stronger armor to defend your mind.

 Isn’t it amazing? We wage wars against each other, killing so many of our fellow men ad women and in the end of it all, our own brains can be our most vicious enemies, tearing us apart from the inside out. What good does it make to live your life dodging bullets and dangers, when maybe the thing that will take your life away from you is just growing freely inside, deep in your brain. We take everything, even the fact that we are just flesh and bone, for granted. We do not realize that there’s nothing that makes us really strong in front of the many dangers we might be forced to encounter in our lives.

 And it the world today, the younger brains, the ones least trained in the arts of fighting oneself, are those who are more likely to succumb to the evilness inside our brains. We all have it inside, there’s no one who doesn’t rot like that. The difference is that some people have received that click, that activation code that makes us realize the threat inside. And it passes so many times when we are young, when we are supposed to be living so many things and learning and enjoying life. That is because we are absorbing so much that we cannot control what enters our brain. And then, the poison begins contaminating the mind and in some youngsters, it happens so fast, with so much fierceness, that when others notice it it’s simply too late.

 Many people talk nowadays about the terrible cancer that extinguishes people in a heartbeat. AIDS does the same, consuming people fast. But there’s not that same awareness or interest in the mental issues of the human body. Our most appreciated tool, our brain, is also weak. No matter how hard the skull or how trained the mind is, the brain can also be affected and we are one of the biggest threats to it.

 The world today is the reason. We have to be so many things at the same time and do some others to be and be to be accepted because that is supposed to give all the peace we need. But that is a lie because we are never really accepted except by some individuals. Isn’t it strange that people what acceptance by everyone and they decide to ignore the fact that they will only know a small portion of the humans inhabiting this world in their lifetime? And even if they could meet everyone in the world, those others humans also do and think and are in order to be someone in this tiny grain of rock in space.

 We do not realize that we are competing, and hard, for the exact same prize, which happens to be non-existent. Because no one is never accepted, no even by all the people they know. And we all do that; we all do and say things to benefit ourselves, to keep moving, to be noticed and appreciated. Even if our main goal seems to be another, we are always looking for acceptance. Many have love as a goal and what is love but the acceptance, by someone else, of you as their chosen romantic interest? And if your goal is to have a job, you have to woo certain people to get it, by working hard or through any other means.

 It all comes down to people liking you, of that sick obsession with everyone needing and wanting you to be there by their side. And obsession that has its root in the past, when our species felt it needed to unite or it would face extinction. We are now many millions and still we think we need to be all on top of each other. That’s why countries always meddle in the problems of other countries: not only they need to show their power but also because they are desperate for allies and friends and companions. As if we weren’t already just by being born in this world. We do not need acceptance but a simple reality check to tell us how exactly alike we all are. No one better, no one worse. No one nothing. We are all the same thing which is, by the end of the day, not that much.

 When I feel empty, I feel like I cannot breath, as if the world was all around me, pressing me from every corner trying to make me explode. Once, the poison reached a point in my brain where I collapsed and was in the mercy of my most basic instincts. I attempted to destroy myself and felt liberated when I felt I had succeeded. There’s no feeling in the world like blood running down your forehead. You know why? Because you feel alive. Isn’t that sick?

 It is. If the only way to feel, to be able to communicate is to smash your head against a wall, something has to be very wrong. “Talk to your family”. That’s the advice I followed and it helped. Not because they said something really useful but because I realized I couldn’t go forward with the plans that the poison had for me. I just couldn’t sacrifice what I am and put them on the way. I stopped and held back from ending it all. And I didn’t do it for me. I understood things have more consequences than we realize. Sometimes we are so driven by what’s inside us, that we just don’t see what is happening around us. But I did.

 People would love me to say that I stopped for me, because I had some kind of revelation and just realized how much worse the world would get without me. But that would be a lie because the world wouldn’t realize I was gone, only a fraction of it would. And I stopped for that fraction and for nothing else. If it had been for the world, solely for that, I would have gone through with it. But I didn’t and here we are.

 I’m not strong. You don’t really require strength to stop the poison inside your head; you only need time and distractions. Because of you’re having a great time, it all seems to happen too fast. Have you ever noticed that? The poison hasn’t. And the idea is that when you die, the poison is there, contained because it had been distracted for years and years. That’s all you need. Again, you just need to do. Just do.

 That’s what I’m doing, trying to keep the thoughts, the sounds, the feelings, all at bay. I write because I like to do it, it’s true. And because it’s the only thing I feel I do well. But mostly, and many people do not know this, I do it to keep everything from touching me too close. I’ve been successful for the most part of the recent months with a couple of incidents where I just had to take a breath and relax, in order to not let anything inside win any ground.

 One of my weaknesses is when people say to many nice things to me. I mean, they are nice and gentle and even if they don’t really know me that well, I thank them. But when they happen too often I feel they are lies and they start hurting bad, like huge burns. And then the poison starts moving and I decide to chop every arm, every single thing that may let it move more, even if I have to sacrifice some things many others would appreciate.

 It was long ago that I decided not to have any romance in my life, at least none for real. Because I discovered that was the easiest way to let the poison, to let me, kill myself.

Kamchatka

   Cuando Javier salió del avión, aprovechó para estirar sus piernas y sus manos apenas bajó por la escalerilla del avión. Las azafatas lo miraban riendo por lo bajo pero no había como no hacer lo que estaba haciendo. Al fin y al cabo el viaje había tomado varias horas y eso solo era el último tramo. Y todavía había más por delante pero desde ya podía decir que su aventura estaba comenzando.

 Al salir del aeropuerto, un hombre con cara de pocos amigos, abrigado hasta la medula, lo encontró sosteniendo la foto que había enviado a la agencia. Era de hecho la foto del pasaporte y la habían ampliado varias veces y no se veía muy bien en el cartón que el hombre sostenía. Después de haberse saludado, subieron la única maleta de Javier y emprendieron el camino al hotel. Allí el hombre se despidió y le indicó, en inglés, que lo recogería temprano al otro día.

 Esa tarde, Javier organizó todo lo que debía llevar en la mochila de expedición: no podía echar todo lo que había traído y siempre lo había planeado. Había traído varios implementos para el cuidado personal porque en la noche haría una limpieza profunda de sí mismo, ya que iba a estar una semana entera por fuera, sin posibilidad de ducharse ni nada relacionado a su estética personal. Decidió también dejar fuera algo de ropa que vio que no iban a ser muy apropiados.

 Cuando llegó la noche, comió algo en el restaurante del hotel y luego se duchó por varios minutos, afeitándose después así como usando bastante desodorante. Durmió como una piedra hasta que la alarma del celular lo despertó a las cuatro de la mañana. Se bañó de nuevo, arregló lo último de la mochila y cuando bajó su anfitrión ya estaba allí. En la camioneta que manejaba se demoraron unos minutos hasta salir de la ciudad y viajar por carretera por cerca de media hora hasta llegar a un parque donde había un puesto de guardabosques. Allí, Javier se dio cuenta que había otros viajeros ya listos para emprender la travesía.

 Los reunieron a todos frente a la casa del guardabosques y una mujer muy rubia y alta fue quien les habló en inglés y les dijo como sería el recorrido y lo que debían esperar del recorrido. Les recordó que no podían usar el flash de sus cámaras y que no estaba recomendado llevar productos electrónicos aunque tampoco estaba prohibido. Javier apretó el celular en la mano pero no lo sacó ni dijo nada. Cuando la mujer terminó su discurso, les dijo que se alistaran ya que la caminata empezaba allí. Fue a buscar su propia mochila y entonces empezaron a caminar. Javier se despidió de su conductor, que pareció no verlo, y siguió al grupo.

 No eran muchos. Además de la guía, solo había una mujer que venía con su esposo. Eran franceses. Había un joven de la misma edad de Javier que venía de Corea y dos hombres estadounidenses que parecían tener mucha experiencia en este tipo de situaciones. Pero el grupo de hablaba mucho entre sí. Era como si vinieran a competir, o algo por el estilo, pero Javier no lo veía así. Él había ahorrado por mucho tiempo para hacer este viaje. Era un fotógrafo consumado e ir hasta Kamchatka siempre había sido uno de sus más grandes sueños.

 Como pudo, se fue acercando hacia Si-woo, el chico coreano. Lo bueno era que Javier sabía hablar bien en inglés y cuando lo saludó el chico se asustó un poco pero empezaron a hablar a gusto, compartiendo algo de sus vidas. Los demás hacían lo mismo, pero no entre ellos sino solo con quienes habían venido. Como ellos dos estaban solos, era apenas normal que se sintieran mejor hablando el uno con el otro. Si-woo era biólogo y había venido porque para él también era un paraíso en la tierra esta península plagada de volcanes y vida salvaje.

 Después de un tiempo de caminata, salieron del pequeño bosque a una extensa estepa plagada de flores de colores y algunas plantan menores. La guía les avisó que pronto se detendrían para tratar de tomar la foto de un zorro, que normalmente merodeaban por la zona. Cuando llegaron a la parte más plana y estable de la estepa, se hicieron en grupo y miraron para todos lados. Pero parecía que los animales o no estaba o no pretendían interactuar con los viajeros. De todas maneras Javier tomó algunas fotos y lo mismo hicieron los demás.

 Algo de neblina había empezado a bajar de la montaña, que era un volcán negro, y estaba cubriendo todo el lugar lentamente. La guía apuró el paso ya que debían llegar al borde de una cañada para tener en donde acampar. Pero a medio camino hacia allí, una tormenta se desató y casi no pudieron seguir. Varios se resbalaron y no había manera de encontrar el lugar para acampar. No venían árboles ni nada que los cubriera y poner tiendas de campaña no les iba a ayudar de nada. Debían seguir caminando lo que más pudiera hasta que la lluvia se detuviera o hasta que encontraran un lugar adecuado para pasar la noche.

 Entonces llegaron a la cañada pero ya no era un pequeño riachuelo como habían visto en fotos. Era un torrente de agua que llevaba ramas y plantas hacia el mar. En ese momento la guía les indicó un camino para ir paralelo al torrente pero la pareja de franceses se acercaron demasiado y se resbalaron, cayendo en el agua. Uno de los gringos corrió rápidamente y lanzó una cuerda que tenía en su mochila. La mujer que había caído logró tomarla pero su esposo se le fue entre los dedos y se lo tragó prontamente la oscuridad de la noche.

 Cuando pudieron sacarla, la mujer temblaba como loca y no podía pronunciar palabra. Y así hubiera querido hablar lo más probable es que no se le hubiera entendido nada, por la lluvia. La guía decidió sacar un plástico de su mochila y les aconsejó a todos sentarse en el suelo y cubrirse con el plástico. Ella intentaría llamar al guardabosques. Lo intentó toda la noche, incluso después de que todos se durmieran. La lluvia se detuvo en algún momento de la noche, así como sus intentos.

 Uno de los gringos, el que venía con el que había rescatado a la mujer, se despertó de golpe, gritando. Todos lo miraron asustados. El hombre se cogía la pierna y de pronto quedó quieto, lívido. Su cuerpo cayó al suelo por su propio peso y quedó ahí. El que venía con el lo revisó y sacó de entre sus pantalones una serpiente que se le había metido en la noche. Lo había mordido varias veces y parecía ser venenosa.

 La guía empezó a llamar de nuevo pero nadie atendía. Parecía que la lluvia había dañado todo. Como pudieron, tratar de retomar el camino de vuelta pero la lluvia había cambiado el paisaje y parecía que por loa noche ellos también habían perdido el rumbo. La mujer dijo que lo mejor era cruzar el río en algún punto para llegar a un puesto al otro lado. Siguieron el curso de la cañada hasta llegar a un lugar poco profundo donde uno a uno fueron pasando tranquilamente. Después de unas horas, llegaron al otro puesto de atención y, como lo esperaban, no había nadie. Pero sí había un teléfono y la guía trató de contactar a alguien para que los ayudara.

 De pronto, estando dentro de la cabaña, oyeron un par de disparos y el sonido de aves asustadas. Se miraron los unos a los otros y se dieron cuenta que solo el chico coreano y el gringo faltaban. Cuando salieron, el chico tenía una pistola en la mano apuntando a su cabeza y el cuerpo del hombre al lado. La guía le preguntó que había pasado pero el joven respondió accionando el arma y suicidándose frente a todos. Ahora solo habían tres personas, tres personas que no entendían que sucedía. La guía volvió al teléfono y por fin contestaron. Ella no tuvo que decir nada; le contestaron que ya habían enviado un helicóptero.

 Cuando volvieron a la ciudad, se les informó que la policía secreta había ocupado la oficina y por eso no habían contestado antes. Resultaba que Si-woo era un hombre buscado en Corea por haber sido el único testigo del asesinato de su madre, una política importante, por parte de dos mercenarios norteamericanos. Entonces todos entendieron la actitud de unos y otros y como la muerte del francés había sido un accidente inesperado. Todo había pasado rápidamente pero casi en conjunción con los planes de venganza de cada uno. Los gringos no habían hecho nada por temor y el chico coreano había aprovechado esto para buscar una serpiente venenosa y ponérsela cerca uno de ellos. Al fin y al cabo, sí era un biólogo.

 Todos testificaron a la policía rusa y dejaron la ciudad apenas pudieron. En el avión de vuelta, dejaron la ciudad apenas pudieron. En el aviy ponersela ios norteamericanos. Entonces todos entendieron la actitud de ón de vuelta, Javier empezó a escribir en un cuaderno lo que recordaba para no olvidarlo. No podía creer el nivel de venganza, de miedo y de odio y, sobre todo, de paciencia que había habido para que todo lo que pasara tuviera que pasar sin que nadie se diese cuenta con antelación. El momento que tanto había anticipado, que iba a cambiar su visión de la vida, se había arruinado. Pero al final del día, si había cambiado su vida, solo que no de la manera deseada.

Smoke and Cards

   She spread the cards on the table, forming three columns and three rows from left to right. A total of nine cards were there, all facing down. The woman, wearing a wine red shawl and several rings and bracelets on her arms, passed both hands over the cards and seemed to be talking in a strange language. Her clients were two girls, around twenty years old, who looked at her with eyes open and an expression of fear but also looking forward to her next words.

 The woman then did a sudden movement and asked one of them which card to flip over. The young woman indicated one and she complied, revealing the card of death. The woman then did a speech, explaining the deep meaning of this card. She asked several questions too, ranging from past relationships to dead family members. In less than twenty minutes, she flipped over all the cards and told the girl it all meant she was going to have an unexpected surprise very soon but that she should be weary as someone may be there to betray her. The girls looked at each other and, after paying, they went out giggling, discussing their results.

 The reader waited for them to be far and then called for her assistant, a young woman that looked a lot like her, in order to ask her if more people were waiting. The young girl told her that no and that her lunch would be done in just a few minutes so she could use the time to eat something. The card reader’s name was actually Suzanne and she had been a pharmacist for some time but that job had made her unstable, cranky and bored with life. She had always wanted so much more from everyone and everything and a pharmacy would never fulfill her dreams of grandeur.

 So one day, she overheard some women talking about going to a woman that read the crystal ball in a fair and she decided to go. The woman was a big sham but she learned that people would decide to believe in anything if it’s well presented to them. Before becoming a card reader, Suzanne had been a very practical and skeptic person. In one second, she could debunk any stupid thing people believed in and that had earned her a friendless life and a difficult interaction with men and even with her parents.

 So after seeing all the glitz and mystery of the crystal ball reader, she decided to become Madame Zelda, a mysterious seer that had come all the way from Romania to help souls in need to find their way by reading the cards of their life and other things. Her business, located in a small store in the city’s downtown, was very successful from day one. She had hired her niece Amanda to be her assistant and to give away fliers to every nearby college. Suzanne knew that the younger people were especially prone to believing anything so she knew that was the way to start.

 Six months had passed since that and her strategy had worked. Lots of giggling girls came in and decided to get their cards, their coffee and even their cigarettes read. Suzanne did everything and anything and people would buy what she said and even if they didn’t, she knew very few would tell anything to her face. People were strangely polite when referring to something as plain and simple as the arts of divination. But the point was that they always came.

 A she ate a bowl of pasta with meatballs with her niece, Suzanne realized they looked very much alike: their hand were both skinny, their skin the color of olives, big bushy hair and big brown eyes. She asked her niece what would she like to be when out of school and she told her that she had a dram of becoming a nurse. She wanted to help people and thought the best way was to care for people’s health. In the long run, she might even become a doctor but that wasn’t going to be decided just yet.

 Suzanne then asked her about her sister, her niece’s mother. She was not the best mother in the world, that’s for sure. She had the traces of all the women of the family: beautiful heavy smokers but convulsed souls inside. After all, they had a recurrence of mental issues in the family and Suzanne’s sister Amelia apparently was the prime example. She was always thinking of things that helped no one and had never really cared for her daughter. In part, that was why Suzanne had decided to accept Melanie in her home for her last year of school. She didn’t regret her decision so far.

 Melanie proved to be different than her fellow female family members: for such a young girl she knew very well what to do and what not to do and how to do the things she wanted for herself. After all, she was only sixteen and about to step out of school. Suzanne had already spoken with her sister about Melanie’s education but Amelia had assured her that there was more than enough money for that. The girl was the daughter of a very rich man that wanted nothing to do with them and paid handsomely every month in order to keep them away. And it worked perfectly for all of them so there was more than enough money to pay for her nurse education.

 Suzanne often liked to go out with her, shop around or to the movies. They were both lonely girls, no real friends around and Amelia had never grown fond of her own daughter, always seeing her as only her source of money. It was true and obvious that Melanie felt much more at home with Suzanne than with her own mother. They had fun together and they both learned a lot about each other in only the first few months of living together. They would share magazines and talk about boys, and fashion, and the future. And they both loved to finally have someone to hear them.

 Suzanne’s life as a young woman had been exactly the same, if not worst. She had very few friends because she wanted so much more from life. She was not happy with the crumbs she received from both her family and her present, she had always wanted more. She left home after refusing her father’s orders to study in order to be secretary. He thought there were roles and jobs for women and other for men and that she had nothing to do in a hospital, even if most nurses were actually women. He said he knew that she wanted to become a doctor and he didn’t agreed. So she left and never went back.

 Years later, she attended her father’s funeral and her mother refused to speak to her. After ten years, she still wasn’t speaking to her as if it had been her that had been harsh to her daughter. But that was the way it was. She was one of those women that live for the man they marry and in that moment, she was lost. She nothing and she felt empty and alone. It would take a few more years for her to become closer to her daughters and when she finally did, death came for her too. Now, it was only Suzanne and Amelia and even if they didn’t agreed on their life choices, they called each other every so often to ask how the other was doing and if they could be of any help.

 When she finished eating, Suzanne grabbed a metal box and organized what was inside. Melanie, who hadn’t finished eating, stared at her, looking all the types of cards she had inside, the cigarettes, the guides of how to read the cups of tea and coffee and also the hands. She had everything in that little box and then Melanie realized her aunt’s life was all inside that small object. It all summed up to that.

-          - Aunt?

-          - Yeah?

-          - Are you ever sorry?

 Suzanne looked at her, confused.

-          - What do you mean?

-          - With people that come here.

-          - hat should I feel sorry?

-          - You’re not a real seer. You lie to them.

 The woman was frozen right there on her chair. She had never discussed her business with anyone but Melanie was the person he loved most and she knew they had to talk about it. So she just answered that was the way she had found to feel she was receiving what she deserved from life. The girl then asked if she didn’t feel bad to tell lies to every person that entered the store. Suzanne took one of her niece’s hands and held it. She then looked at her in he eye and told her that people chose to believe what she said and that that was their decision. She knew she was lying to them and she knew it was wrong but her way of living was honest as she was true to herself. Then she took everything out of the box and showed the bottom to Melanie.

 There were two transparent bags and both had money inside. Then Suzanne told her she was saving for both of them, so they could live better and she could put up another kind of store, something better and that she could be proud of. The girl smiled and right then a bell rang. It was the next costumer. Suzanne straightened her shawl and went down to her smoky, cinnamon scented room as Melanie followed her in order to get the door.