My truth

   The moment I came out from the interview, I took out one my cigarettes and lit it up right there, in front of the office building. There was no one there doing the same thing, so of course people looked at me as if I was the strangest thing they had ever done, almost as if they had never even seen a human smoking in their lives. Maybe it was my clothes or the way I was standing up or maybe the fact that it was obvious I didn’t belong there. Maybe they were very good at looking through people and knowing their truth.

 I didn’t stay long to figure it out. With my cig on my mouth, I walked towards the bus stop. I didn’t really want to go back home so soon, so I wasn’t precisely running to grab the bus. I stood a bit far from the bus stop in order to finish the cigarette, as I thought of the questions they had asked me and the answers I had given. My truth right then and there was that I wanted to scream, to run away and just put my head inside a hole in the ground. I was frustrated and tired and just fed up with everything around me.

 My bus came in too fast, so I had to put off my cigarette. Luckily, the bus was not as filled up as it could have been. I was a bit pissed off that I had to pay for it, only because I knew going to that stupid interview had been a waste of time. The same thing had happened that year, once and again and again and again. Sometimes it was in places close to my home but I mostly had to travel by bus in order to just feel like an imbecile once I got to the actual interview. I had to sit there and pretend I knew shit about shit.

 Somehow, I had learned to pretend and lie in many parts of my life, but never in situations like interviews. Actually, more than not knowing how to do it, I think it was something related to not having the same mindset than the people doing the interview. I knew I wasn’t one of them. And I don’t mean it like saying I’m better or something like that. I’m certainly not better. But the point is we weren’t understanding each other because we were two very different types of people who could never connect at any level.

 That happened to me in every interview, from the moment I came out of college until today, six years later. Six years and I have never had a steady job because people won’t hire me. Maybe it’s lack of enthusiasm or maybe it’s just that I don’t have any skills or knowledge that can be applied in a “useful” job. And I live in a country were jobs are a precious thing, not really offered in every corner. And yet, some people get them and stay in them for several years or maybe all of their lives. And here I am, over thirty now, jobless and still wondering if I will ever be able to live by myself.

 As I step down the bus, a couple of blocks away from my house, I decide to take my ass to the nearest park. I have no need to hear my mother’s questions about the interview or feel how my dad looks at me knowing that I’m a complete and utter failure. No, I need to mix it up a little bit and maybe the park has exactly what I need. If I was a pothead, I would consider smoking there for a while but I cannot even have an interesting hobby like that one. I’m very boring and just sit there by myself.

 There are many guys walking dogs and old ladies also doing the same thing. I get obsessed for a while with people picking up their dogs businesses. Then, I remember why I’m there and my world just crumbles again. I feel the need to cry but I really don’t want to. I’m tired of having done that so many times in the past. It’s like I’m dried up, just too damn tired to shed one more tear into this ungrateful fucking world. I’d rather just stay put and think about something else, escape from everything once again.

 Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Why doesn’t that faggot just commit to something and start changing his ways? Why doesn’t he just become whatever it is that people are looking for in a worker? I mean, that’s what people do: they pretend to be this superhuman in order to be considered for anything from a job to a damn relationship. Fuck, even people that want to fuck each other lie about many things in order to get laid. So what’s up with this guy? Why doesn’t he just do what everybody else does and shut up?

 Well, I can’t. I physically can’t. I cannot pretend forever, I cannot work in something I despise or don’t even have an interest in. Of course I don’t have that luxury, to like what I work in. I don’t and I know that. But even in that case I just feel like I have no other option but being this sack of gas and shit that biology turned me into. I cannot just acquire all of those things that people have because it’s a case of you have it or you don’t. At least it is for me, from my point of view.

 Of course, you people are just thinking: “Who the fuck does this guy think he is? Why doesn’t he just do something, like all the rest of us do?” And the real answer to that is that I don’t have a fucking clue why I don’t do that, why I don’t just turn into someone else and become this being that everyone wants to be connected with. But I can’t. I have failed as a human male, I know that. And I’m trying to reconcile with that in a world that doesn’t give a fuck about individuals, where the group is always much more important than anything you might be feeling in your little weak head.

 When I realize it, it’s almost completely dark. The lamps on the park illuminate everything in the creepiest way and it does remind me that this city is filled with rapists, murderers, robbers and, the worst part, stupid fuckers. So I stand up and walk a few blocks towards home. I prepare in my mind phrases to tell my mother and my father. As I enter the building and press the elevator button, the sense of dread enters my soul once again. I feel awful, like crying once again, but I just don’t do it. What good will that make?

 I enter home and, as predicted, she asks me about how it went and my father looks at me over his glasses. I just say whatever thing it was that I prepared and then excuse myself because I really want to pee. And it’s true, but I also want to run away from there because I have no need to watch them look at me. I feel parents can really see through their children, even if they decide to buy the lies you tell them as their sons and daughters. Parents always know, in one way or the other, and that has always scared me.

 I enter the bathroom, close the door and pull out my penis. As I pee, I look myself at the mirror and see someone I don’t completely like. It’s not only his looks that I have always hated, but also the fact that he cannot be the person that everyone wants him to me, that he needs to be in order to survive this motherfucking world. Look at him, staring back at me with those depressing little eyes and that fucking brain that’s only filled with garbage. I can say I sometimes despise him to death.

 And his looks. He cannot even get anyone to fuck him and there is no doubt why. Never mind the tiny dick, just look at his face. He looks sick and oily, just disgusting. He finishes peeing, washes his hands in seconds and leaves. I enter my room and just fall on my bed. Again, I want to cry and scream and yell and hit and kick. But I can’t. I know nothing of the sorts will help me be whoever it is I’m supposed to be. It just won’t and I don’t know what to do next, when to just quit for good. It seems like the obvious choice.

 How many times can I stand being rejected for a job interview? For how long can I wait until I understand that no one will ever hire me to do anything? Am I resistant enough to last like this forever? Should I even keep doing that now, that I know the reality of who I am and my possibilities?

 I fall asleep and wake up in the middle of night. My mother apparently understood it all, because she didn’t wake me up or nothing. It’s four in the morning and my thoughts race through my head. I’m trying to stay in control, but sometimes it is taken from you and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Apocalipsis

    Todo el mundo lo vio por televisión. El cohete salió de un silo militar, en algún lugar que nadie nunca conocería. El objeto era enorme, más grande que cualquiera de los misiles que los militares usaban con más frecuencia. Estuvo un momento sobre la compuerta por la que había salido a la superficie y luego su parte trasera se encendió y empezó a impulsarlo con dificultad por los aires. Era obvio que el cohete era muy pesado, pero no era de sorprender puesto que llevaba varias cabezas nucleares.

 El cohete surcó los cielos por varios minutos. Algunas personas pudieron verlo a simple vista, como un tubo gigante que cruzaba el cielo dejando una estela blanca tras de sí. Todo el que lo veía, por donde fuera, aguantaba la respiración. Pasados otros minutos, se confirmó que el cohete ya salía de la Tierra y se encaminaba vertiginosamente hacia su destino. Ya no se le podía grabar, así que los canales de televisión decidieron repetir una y otra vez el plan que habían trazado los gobiernos ricos del mundo.

 Ellos habían dictaminado que solo una bomba magnifica, mayor que ninguna creada antes, podría ser la salvación de la humanidad. Tan solo cuatro meses antes, se había descubierto la existencia de un asteroide que pasaría demasiado cerca de la Tierra. Tan cerca, que cuando pasara por su lado se vería atraído por la gravedad y terminaría estrellándose contra el mar de forma estrepitosa. Eso causaría un maremoto de proporciones bíblicas y millones de muertes alrededor del globo. Pero no terminaría allí.

El choque causaría también terremotos y una desestabilización general de todo el planeta, lo que afectaría a todo el mundo. Quienes no sucumbieran por el maremoto, lo harían cuando la tierra debajo de sus pies empezara a cambiar de forma y lugar. En pocas palabras, se había descubierto que la humanidad tendría sus días contados, así como todas las demás especies en existencia sobre el planeta azul. Por eso se habían apurado a buscar una solución al problema y esa era el cohete y sus cabezas nucleares.

 Muchos no estuvieron de acuerdo, pues se corría el riesgo de que la bomba fallara y terminara estrellándose contra el suelo y matando miles o millones de un solo golpe. Pero como el asteroide ya amenazaba con hacer lo mismo o algo peor, se ignoró por completo a quienes se quejaban y se construyó el cohete en el mayor grado de secreto. Solo se le informó a la gente sobre el asteroide un mes antes de su eventual colisión con la Tierra, pocos días antes del lanzamiento del cohete que debería ser la llama de esperanza para toda la humanidad. La gente esperaba casi sin respirar.

 Entonces, en algún lugar del hemisferio sur, la gente reportó una luz brillante que impedía mirar hacia el cielo. Era casi como una nube, que se expandía hacia todas partes. Hubo grandes zonas de territorio cubiertas por esa masiva luz y luego bañadas por una lluvia sucia y gruesa, con un olor muy particular. Era lo que más temían los gobiernos ricos y el desenlace más temido por los científicos que habían aconsejado a los gobiernos. Era precisamente lo que nunca debía de pasar.

 El cohete había estallado antes de chocar con el asteroide. Había estado lo suficientemente cerca como para arrancarle un buen pedazo, pero su trayectoria había hecho que el asteroide cambiara su curso a uno aún más directo que el anterior. Esto lo supieron al instante los ciudadanos, pues los científicos dejaron de apoyar a sus gobiernos. En esos días, el caos reinó por completo. Hubo asesinatos, robos, protestas y suicidios masivos. De nuevo, no sorprendía a nadie, pues la muerte venía por todos.

 El mundo ahora sabía que vivía sus últimas horas. Las personas se volvían locas, al mismo tiempo que se daban cuenta de que ya nada importaba. Muchos se dedicaron a rendirse a sus placeres más oscuros y otros hicieron cosas que nunca hubiesen hecho en la vida sin aquella nueva libertad. Los gobiernos no cayeron pero se silenciaron, inútiles ya ante semejante tragedia.  Ya nadie los escuchaba y ellos habían aprendido que nadie nunca los volvería a oír o creería jamás en ellos. Por fin les había llegado la hora.

 La mayoría de personas se entregó a esa nueva libertad y, hay que decirlo, fueron las semanas de mayor paz en el mundo. Después de la histeria de los primeros días, la gente dejó la violencia de lado y simplemente se dedicaron a lo que siempre debieron haber hecho: vivir y dejar vivir. Hubo escenas de pasión y de amor por todas partes, así como de heroísmo y respeto. El mundo parecía estar convirtiéndose en lo que todos siempre quisieron que fuese, pero ya era demasiado tarde. El asteroide se veía a simple vista.

 Los científicos decidieron hacer su parte y aconsejaron a la gente varios sitios alrededor del mundo en los que tal vez podrían estar a salvo. Ellos filtraron todos los detalles del asteroide, que los gobiernos ricos querían mantener secreto, e incluso ayudaron a filtrar otros secretos que escandalizaron a más de uno, pues se daban cuenta de que la democracia sí que era una forma débil de gobierno. Era la menos peor pero ciertamente con tantos puntos oscuros como todas las demás. A una semana del choque, los gobiernos dejaron de existir por completo, instaurando por fin la libertad.

En esos últimos días, la gente quiso organizar el último día de la Tierra. Algunos planearon fiestas en donde se celebraría todo y a todos. Otros preferían pasarlo en familia y otros en solitario. Algunos quisieron acercarse más a sus dioses y otros simplemente querían llegar al último día habiendo cumplido varios de sus más profundos deseos. La idea era que en ese último segundo de sus vidas, de la vida como tal, pudiesen sentirse sin remordimientos ni angustias. Querían sentirse en verdadera paz.

 Correr ya no era algo que la gente hiciese. Robar era completamente obsoleto y el dinero se había convertido en lo que de verdad era: papel con tinta de colores encima. Para los artistas, ese tiempo se vivió como uno de esplendor incomparable, pues surgieron de la nada los verdaderos artistas, aquellos que no copiaban ni repetían sino que de verdad creaban de su mente y maravillaban a sus amigos y familiares con sus creaciones. Los velos se habían removido y todos ellos mismos y no nadie más.

El día antes del último, se empezaron a sentir cosas extrañas por todo el planeta. El clima cambiaba de forma abrupta y los animales exhibían conductas completamente erráticas. Para muchos fue una lástima verlos sufrir así, sin saber qué era lo que en realidad iba a pasar. Aunque otros pensaban que los animales de hecho sí sabían lo que pasaba y que tan solo sabían expresar mejor que los seres humanos sus sentimientos al respecto. Fue un día muy confuso, lleno de idas y venidas.

 El último día, la gente hizo lo que quiso y esperó en los lugares que habían escogido varios días antes. Aquellos cerca del océano, pudieron ver con claridad como la roca gigante caía como un hielo en un vaso y empujaba el aire y el agua para todos lados. No fue como en las películas, donde todo es más suave y estilizado. Fue un golpe sordo y contundente. Tras él, aquellos en las costas solo vivieron por unos cinco a diez minutos más. Luego, fueron consumidos por el agua embravecida.

 Los terremotos más violentos ocurrieron casi en el mismo instante del impacto. Varias zonas fueron afectadas de golpe, destruidas por completo. Los muertos en un primer instante fueron contados por millones y los desastres que se sucedían tomarían la vida de todo el resto.

 Una semana después, seguía habiendo vida en la Tierra. Pero con la obstrucción del cielo por una nube de tierra permanente, nada viviría demasiado. Aquellos valientes que habían sobrevivido, ahora morirían ahogados y de hambre. No había salida alguna al desastre total.

Sunday morning

  The first thing I noticed was the smell of his hair. It had notes of coconut and olive oil, but also a sweetness that I blamed not on a particular shampoo but on his very personal scent. As I woke up, I couldn’t see his face as his back was against my chest. But his smell was enough for me not to move too much and just enjoy the moment. It was then I realized no man had ever stayed all night in my house, let alone in my bed and with me by his side. I smiled, as I closed my eyes back and tried to enjoy the moment a little bit longer.

 I used to wake up early on Sundays, as it was the only day of the week I could actually spend in things that I couldn’t do any other day. I would go to the gym for about three hours, then come back home and clean the place up real good, get in the shower for a good ten minutes and finally head out to the supermarket and buy any groceries I would have any need for. After that, I would just go back home, put everything in order, cook something fast and put on a movie, possibly one that I had already seen numerous times.

 But that Sunday, I wouldn’t be able to do the same thing. He was there and I wouldn’t like to be the kind of person to kick someone out just after spending a night together. I wondered if I should stay there in bed with him or just go to the kitchen and make some breakfast. Maybe he would be in for some time at the gym… But I then thought that was a stupid idea because the point was probably to spend some time together. Although that would maybe send the wrong message and I didn’t want him to be confused about anything.

 He then moved around, in order to face me. He was still asleep, that was obvious. He proceeded to get closer to me and then go back to being still right next to my chest. I caressed his head a little bit, now that I could move my arm freely. He was really cute, something I had already noticed but never really appreciated in its entirety. His eyebrows were thick and very black and he had long and luxurious eyelashes. His eye color was brown. I knew that. A beautiful brown that almost seemed liquid caramel.

 I stayed there for a while, just caressing his hair and smelling that beautiful coconut scent. I had no idea what to do with him, except looking at his face and feeling his body. He was a bit shorter than me, which was odd because I had rarely met men shorter than me, and had never had a crush on one. But there he was, and I could feel his warmth and that was great. I hugged him, not to tight in order not to wake him up, and then kissed him in the forehead. It was just something I felt like doing at the moment, no idea really why I did it. It just felt right, like the perfect thing to do.

 He opened up his eyes and looked at me. He gently got himself to the same level and then kissed me. His lips tasted a bit like tequila, which we had drank the night before, but also like those sweet worms that come in colors and are covered with sugar. He reminded me of those, sweet and kind of sour too. We kissed for a long while, maybe almost half an hour. For a moment, I felt self-conscious about my looks so early in the day and my breath, but then just enjoyed the moment kissing a beautiful man in my bed.

 After our kissing session, we stayed there without talking a single word. I put my chest against the bed and he faced the ceiling, looking up as if he was appreciating the sky. We stayed like so for a long time, right until he got out of bed because he wanted to pee. I let him go and stayed there for a moment, realizing then that I was very hungry. We hadn’t had anything to eat the night before; we only drank like sailors and had some peanuts, which really wasn’t any kind of substitute for real food.

 So I stood up and walked towards the kitchen, realizing half way that I was completely naked. I stop right in the middle of the aisle and looked back but then I realized how silly it was to be ashamed or something. After all, we had being having sex for a while and we had slept together for the first time. Being embarrassed didn’t make any sense. So I headed to my kitchen, a tiny space with a bar, which worked as my dinner table. The place was more like a hotel room than like an actual apartment.

 I took out a lemon juice from the refrigerator and poured some in a glass. I was about to pour some for him but then realized I had no idea if he liked lemon juice at all. For a minute, I was all confused and had no idea what to do, as if the concept of lemon juice would destroy anything that we had built up to that point. But then, the answer came by itself: he had come out of the bathroom and saw me with the bottle in my hand. He just grabbed the glass I had poured for myself and drank all of its content in a heartbeat.

 I was frozen in time for a moment but then I just poured some more in another glass and drank that, much slower. He said he was very thirsty and also very hungry.  He didn’t want to impose but he proposed to cook breakfast with me in order to make something faster. I agreed and we decided on something rather easy: eggs, sausage and toast. It was a protein filled breakfast and it would certainly satisfy our hunger. We could have pretended to only want granola or fruit but the truth was we were very hungry and we needed something big and full of everything to really feel good.

  We started cooking right away and breakfast was done in no time. We didn’t bothered to make it look good or anything, we just sat down naked and ate everything on the plate like a couple of vacuum cleaners. We didn’t even talked or looked at each other during that time. We just ate and filled our empty stomachs with something more than tequila. Once the plates were almost as cleaned as before we had served the food, we did stare at each other and shared a smile that seemed to be much more than that.

 I then decided to, again, follow what everything inside me was telling me to do. I stood up, grabbed his hand and took him back to my bed. We got it again and just started kissing and touching each other. However, it was not as sexual as all other times we had that exactly that in the middle of the night. For once, doing it in the daytime seemed bold and amazing, much different that the secrecy and forbidden pleasure behind the nocturnal shadows. It was something much different, in a good way.

 We did that for a long while and then just stopped, hugging each other tight. Through my head passed several different things to say or ask or do. But I couldn’t decide on any so I just stayed still, wrapping my arms around him. I did think about us, about the nature of our relationship. We had been “fuckbuddies” for a while now and that was okay but now something felt different and I couldn’t really just ignore it. It had to be addressed and talked about but I had no idea if that was the time and the place.

 It was him, again, who talked first and proved to have more guts than me. He asked me if this meant our relationship had changed. And I just asked what he thought of the nature of our relationship. He looked at me, with those beautiful eyes, and said that he had always felt something for me, from the very beginning. He confessed he had never done many of the things he had done with me with anyone else, including staying at their place on a Sunday. I smiled and just caressed his face gently.

 We stayed there in silence for a while and then we decided it was best to shower and do something that day. So we got in the bathroom together and also into the water. It was nice and warm and it felt just perfect. So I decided to tell him I really liked him to because he was nice and beautiful and so much more.

 We then kissed again, more passionately than ever and made love under the water. It felt very different, very good. And I could tell he felt exactly the same way. Something had changed that day and it was something better than I had ever expected. Finally, after so much wondering and time, I was in love.