Once a year

   As I woke up, the first feeling I got was that he was still there. And that was all I needed. I didn’t want to think about anything or anyone else. Having him there, next to me, was an achievement I couldn’t compare with anything else. It had all happened so fast that, for a moment during the night, I thought I was dreaming every single moment. And to be honest, I didn’t care. It was the best dream in the world, if that’s what it was, and I would try to spend as much time in it as I could, enjoying myself and being happy for once in a long time.

 The thing was, he had always seemed so distant, so elusive. But at the same time, He wasn’t a stranger to me; it wasn’t as if I had met him just last night, no. We had been acquaintances for a long time, having mutual friends and meeting in several parties and gatherings in the recent years. Yes, years. When I met him, he was different. Maybe it’s because I’m falling in love or something, but back then I didn’t noticed his physical beauty, nor his internal one. The only thing I saw was this very serious guy, rarely laughing at my jokes (and I joke a lot). The only thing he did was taking his girlfriend’s hand.

 Yes, I know. She was very beautiful to be honest, with her long black hair and big green eyes. I think they worked together or something. I haven’t got to the moment where I can feel comfortable asking about his past conquests. Maybe it’s too early to do that. But she was a nice girl and I have to say that the first time I saw them I liked her better than him. He was so cold, looked so boring and simple. Not my type of guy to be honest, so I just never got close enough to talk to him.

 The next year, we met again on a cocktail party. A mutual friend of ours happened to be an artist, a photographer and we were both invited to the inauguration of one of his exhibitions. To be honest, I had not planned to go. It wasn’t like he was my best friend or anything but another person I knew was going to be there and she told me there was going to be free alcohol and lots of cute guys to look at. As I had nothing better to do, I dressed with anything and left my home.

 There, I would meet again with him. The girl with the black hair had not come with her. In her place, there was a brunette, much shorter than him and with more personality in one nail that he apparently had in all of his body. She was looking at the pictures and telling jokes, making friends all over and being, for all intents and purposes, the life of the party. Again, I talked to her a lot and I laughed with pleasure because the woman was a riot. Yet again, he was very cold, standing always behind her like a stone bodyguard, just there to take care of her. Sometimes he looked somber and that was the first time I saw a glimpse of his beauty, his mysterious tone if you will.

 But just after that, I met someone somewhere else and I wouldn’t think of him for a whole year. I got myself in a very strange relationship, with a man that had a child. If there’s something stranger than that, I would like to know. It worked fine at the beginning, I have no complaints. His little girl was very nice and he was a great guy in bed, has to be said. But it all went to pieces when we were about to celebrate our first year together. I discovered he had been cheating on me for a couple of months. From then on, I have to say it; I have never trusted people very much. He looked like a great honest guy. He wasn’t and that took its toll on me.

 It was during that period of feeling like shit when I saw him again. But this time we weren’t in any party or nice cocktail event. No. I had decided to go out of my house to buy some groceries to the supermarket. It was one of these huge markets that sell everything. I was dressed a bit crazy, as I hadn’t even showered, but in those days I wasn’t taking to much attention on anything. Anyway, I met him by the frozen foods, when I was trying to reach for the only chicken lasagna left. Out of nowhere his taller self reached it out and gave it to me. To this day I remember that moment because when I looked at him, he was smiling.

 He told me he remembered me from some parties and that he had always thought I was funny. In my head, I doubted that. Not only because I wasn’t buying anything a man said but because he had never seemed amused by me in those parties. He had to be a great actor or something. To my surprise, he wasn’t an actor but a graphic designer and he had come to the supermarket to buy some cereal, which he loved. We talked for several hours there, in the aisles filled with kids persuading their parents to buy them some candy or older men looking at how the butcher did his job. In a very strange way, it was a very nice walk. Something had happened to him that changed him but I didn't dare to ask.

 At the end of that afternoon, we separated in the parking lot. We didn’t exchange any numbers or emails or anything. At least to me, that wasn’t a priority now and maybe he had felt that or he was in a similar place. The good thing was that I smiled all the way home. Somehow, I had finally seen directly to those beautiful eyes he had and I had taken a liking of them. His face was just there, on my mind, for many days after that. I regretted not asking for a number but maybe, and this was the most likely thing, he had just been nice. I was sensitive because of my breakup and making decisions was not the best idea.

 The days passed and I started working and living more normally. I even ran into my ex-boyfriend but all I could feel was disgust. Because there was no love to feel but he was still the person that had decided to lie to me, to make me feel worthless on purpose and I just couldn’t forgive that. He barely said hello but I didn’t care at all about what he said or how he said it. I just wanted to get over that time in my life and soon. So I just nodded and went on with my life. I had never seen him again and, honestly, I couldn’t care less about where or what he is doing. I think that is the right way to feel and I don’t regret a thing.

 However, I kept thinking about that beautiful guy, the guy with whom I talked nicely for what seemed know like just a moment. I wasn’t in love of course but I really wanted to see him again and find an explanation for what I felt every time I thought about him. So I just went for it, calling mutual friends, trying to get something about him. And then, one night, it hit me: Facebook. It was so obvious and yet I hadn’t thought of it. Why call people when they have their friend network for everyone to see? So I looked at the profile of the guy that had done the photography exhibition and browsed his friend’s list.

 His name was as beautiful as he was. I didn’t add him right away or anything. I was too nervous and it seemed like a very serious step to take. So I just bookmarked his profile and let everything be for a while. I finally told my friend, the one that had convinced me to go to the exhibition, about the guy and how much I thought about him and his stupid face. She was surprised and I was surprised that she was. She told me that, in her personal opinion, he wasn’t that special. She thought he had nice ears, which I found to be very funny, and that his eyes had a nice color, but that was it. She said he was too tall, too skinny and looked like a zombie.

 Somehow, I got mad at her. I didn’t screamed at her or anything but I wanted to. He wasn’t any of those things. So right after we met, I sent him the Facebook invite to be my friend. To my surprise, he accepted it just a few minutes afterwards. We started chatting and he seemed as nice as I had seen him on the supermarket. I checked some of his pictures and was glad that I could see that face for a longer while. As it was the end of the afternoon, he asked if we could meet to have a coffee and chat. Of course, I said yes.

 All of that happened about a year ago. We spent several months going out for coffee, watching movies together, having lunch and just chatting for hours on hours, no matter if that was on the phone, the computer or live. He was a nice person to be around and I could feel he was comfortable with me. At one point, he got to my place to watch a movie and he took his shoes right off, put them in the right place and sat on his favorite spot. He felt comfortable and one of those nights we felt like kissing but we didn’t.

 That happened another day, one he prepared with anticipation and that lead to this day. The day he planned started with a nice dinner, a great a fun chat and was followed, of course, by a movie. We held hands, kissed and never saw the end of that movie. We made love for hours and I have to say it was amazing. And now he’s there, breathing softly at my side and I’m already planning to serve him a big bowl of his favorite cereal, which I know from that time in the supermarket. But for now I’m just going to watch him closely, in silence, because I’ve just noticed I have fallen in love. It happens.

Había una vez… No, ni mierda.

   Había una vez… No, ni mierda. Porque había una vez? Que es lo que había y porque solo fue una vez? No, eso ya no sirve. No se puede empezar un cuento pretendiendo que alguien crea que algo paso solo una vez, eso de entrada ya es muy sospechoso. Eso sí, se supone que elimina cualquier posibilidad de duda de porqué y como pasó: como nadie estuvo allí, ni siquiera se sabe con exactitud que lugar y cuando es allí, entonces todos liberados de resolver una duda que, seamos realistas, la mayoría de la gente no se hace. Y si lo dudaran, los culparíamos de hilar muy fino. Aunque eso no es malo y quiere decir que alguien esta poniendo cuidado.

 No, después resolveremos como empezar. De pronto lo mejor sea imaginar lo que pasa en cada parte de la historia. Se supone que un cuento, así como una novela o una película, está dividido en tres partes: comienzo, nudo y desenlace. Pero a mi eso no me gusta. La vida no tiene desenlaces definitivos, salvo la muerte y a mi no me gusta matar a mis personajes. Es cruel y creo que no sé matarlos bien. Nadie creería que están muertos. Si fuese yo un asesino sería el más torpe de todos porque no puedo hacer creíble ni siquiera un disparo a la cabeza, y eso es mucho decir.

 Eso sí, estamos de acuerdo, que tiene que pasar algo. Pero que? Que puede ser interesante, llamativo, incluso especial? No, original no busco y no lo busco porque simplemente eso no existe. Pobres aquellos que se creen tan únicos e irrepetibles que creen que tienen la capacidad de crear algo cien por ciento original. Eso ya no existe. Solo somos seres humanos y lamentablemente no somos infinitos, no somos como el universo que sigue creciendo y creciendo y parece que no para nunca. De pronto algo con el espacio? Parece que todos los sueños y posibilidades pueden reproducirse ahí…

 Ah bueno, y falta por definir que tipo de historia contar. Algo muy romántico no es mi estilo, demasiados besos y abrazos no es lo mío. De pronto es porque en mi vida no he sabido mucho de eso entonces mis romances escritos terminan siendo tan acartonados que incluso el ser vivo más seco del mundo se da cuenta de que eso de real no tiene nada. Y no es que no me intrigue el amor y todo lo que despierta, y también lo que ignora y duerme a la fuerza. No sé, no esta vez, de pronto en otra ocasión haré algo sobre un tórrido romance.

 Esa es otra! El sexo escrito. Creo que ese sí lo se hacer muy bien (escribirlo… aunque porque no, hacerlo también) pero a veces puede uno pasarse de todo y llegar a ser casi pornográfico. Los detalles son muy fáciles de dar y cualquier trazo de romance se puede perder entre tantos detallitos que van y vienen y que pueden hacer emocionar a más de un lector. Cosa que, de hecho, es lo que como escritores debemos lograr. Aquellos que escriben pornografía lo saben muy bien pero es que ellos buscan una reacción sencilla y muy básica. Nosotros, es decir los escritores independientes, buscamos algo más fuerte, que cale más hondo en los sentimientos y pensamientos del lector.

 El típico drama. Eso es lo que haré. A todo el mundo le gusta una historia que puede llegar a salir muy mal o muy bien y, si la plantea uno de la mejor manera, se engancha al lector para que nos siga y quiera descubrir si termina todo mal o bien, dependiendo de la visión personal que uno tenga de esas dos caras de la vida. Es sobre todo interesante, al menos para mí, plantear problema que puedan parecer cotidianos y solo cambiarles el contexto y darles vida, con una buena interacción entre personajes o amoldando la vida del personaje principal tan bien que los lectores no tengan dudas en interesarse por ese ser inexistente (al menos en el mundo físico).

 Ya tengo una idea y eso es definitivamente lo más importante. Además, que sería de este mundo sin ideas, sin imaginación? Ciertamente sería un mundo difícil en el cual vivir, estéril y solitario. Me da lástima cuando me doy cuenta que la mayoría de personas en el mundo actual no tienen ni una pizca de imaginación comparados apenas con personas de hace veinte años. La juventud, sobre todo, está jodida. Hoy en día no tienen ideas y cuando las tienen resultan ser la repetición de la repetidera: personajes tan plásticos e irreales que incluso resultado desagradable cualquier interacción con ello.

 Eso sí, todavía hay imaginación y pareciera que unos pocos la acaparan pero supongo que eso es porque la mayoría de la gente hoy en día tiene otras “preocupaciones”. Con esto me refiero a que están ocupados trabajando para vivir y viviendo para trabajar pero nunca nada más viviendo. Además, creen que lograr algo en la vida es comprar algo de cierta marca, o cierto objeto que los suba de nivel socialmente para fingir que son algo que nunca van a ser, alguien que jamás ha estado allí dentro de sus cuerpos, alguien que solo actúa como un títere pero está igual de vacío por dentro, sin ideas ni nada.

 Porque yo, lo admito, no creo que la gente cambie en nada, nunca. Muchos dicen que las enfermedades terminales o los acontecimientos traumáticos cambian a la gente de la noche a la mañana pero yo no me creo eso. Ni el cáncer ni un secuestro cambian a nadie sino que lo sacuden y reordenan las prioridades que la persona ya tenía. No es que hayan nuevas prioridades. Los seres humanos somos muy tercos y todavía muy obstinados en tonterías para aceptar cosas nuevas o el cambio. Por eso hay ese eterno enfrentamiento entre jóvenes y adultos. Es difícil aceptar que el mundo cambia pero ellos los ven, no es que se nieguen a eso. En todo caso la gente no cambia, no evoluciona mágicamente. Mejoran todo lo que pueden mejorar.

 En todo caso, volvamos a lo nuestro. Tengo la idea de una historia, ya veré como empezarla y ahora necesito personajes reales o al menos que lo parezcan. Lo mejor es hacerlos con algún rasgo marcado y no tan simples como a veces nos gustaría. Además, tienen que ser fieles a sus contrapartes humanos y en sentido tener gustos y problemas, porque no existe un ser humano sin esas dos cosas. Los problemas y como los resolvemos o como fracasamos en resolverlos no hacer ser quienes somos. Es gracias a ello que terminamos siendo de cierta manera y un personaje los necesita solo para ser creíble, real.

 No, no hay que hacer listas interminables de descripción de personajes ni hay que plantearse TODA la historia antes de empezar. Esas son estupideces, son seguros idiotas que solo toman los que tienen demasiado miedo de empezar a pulsar teclas o calentar un lápiz o un bolígrafo. No, hay que dejar que todo fluya y creo que es mejor hacerlo así desde el comienzo. Hay que admitir que muchas cosas apestarán, serán terribles para el lector pero la verdad es que al comienzo el lector no importa. Al comienzo lo que importa es entrenar y lo que se entrena escribiendo es el cerebro y capacidad de imaginar grandes historias.

 Ya después se va desarrollando la técnica que puede ser única para cada persona. Al fin y al cabo, no hay una sola manera de hacer nada. Siempre hay al menos dos y si es un trabajo creativo hay tantas maneras como personas en el mundo, y esa es la belleza que tiene todo trabajo basado en la imaginación, que crea obras, pequeñas o grandes, buenas o malas, que son todas únicas e irrepetibles pero esta vez en el mejor sentido de la palabra. Porque no importa si falla uno en el cometido o si la historia no llama la atención como quisiéramos. Es aprender a montar bicicleta y eso no se comienza en la carretera con una de carreras.

 De pronto es que yo soy muy relajado, aunque me preocupo y mucho, pero creo que entre más se empuje algo, es más factible que el suelo debajo se venga abajo y uno con todo lo demás. Hay que ser paciente, muy paciente a veces y tratar de hacer comprender a quienes estén alrededor porque el apoyo si es algo muy necesario, que todos debemos recibir para sentirnos completos y con el impulso necesario para seguir adelante, sin importar lo que diga nadie.

 Porque hay que recordar, y esto aplica para todo, que el mundo está lleno de idiotas. La gente se lanza a la piscina de la ignorancia y le fascina. Porqué? Simplemente es más simple. Una persona ignorante no se pregunta nada y tampoco duda de nada. La duda es de hecho la madre de la imaginación y por eso es tan importante detenerse a pensar en lo que pasa alrededor, porqué pasa y si podría pasar de otra manera y que ocurriría si así fuera. Así se crean las historias, los cuentos que tanto amamos leer y escribir y sentir por el cuerpo. Y necesitamos a esos idiotas y ayudarlos, porque para eso es el arte.

 Yo seguiré escribiendo este cuento porque me acabo de dar cuenta que tengo otra idea, una que siento más cercana y que francamente creo que es mucho mejor. Se trata de un relato mezclado con un discurso, algo diferente para decir lo que pienso sobre lo único que en el mundo que me llena el alma por completo. Y ese relato, si es que alguien lo lee, es este. Y aunque dije que el lector en principio no es importante, es obvio que después es uno de los ejes de la escritura. Y por eso gracias si está leyendo esto y nos vemos mañana, espero.

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   Kate had never worked in her life and it appeared as if she wasn’t going to work ever. She had graduated from college five years ago and she was still not able to find a proper job. She had sent her CV to every possible company that would be willing to hire someone with her profile but that was no good. She tried both with state-owned companies and with private ones. She talked to people she hadn’t talked in years and was even so desperate with it all that she had tried to be considered for posts in several fast food chains and retail stores. None of that had worked.

 She had literature and was only finding out now how difficult and competitive the world was. She never dreamt of someone hiring her just after finishing school but she had always thought people with a higher degree of education had a little more chance to be hired faster. That wasn’t her case at all. In those five years she had even decided to study a little more and left the country for a year in order to get her writing improved and to learn new things to make her skills much more interesting. But time passed and no one noticed.

 Stress was really winning for most of the time. On the social networks, Kate saw how many of her friends where even getting married and she hadn’t even earned her first paycheck. Some of them bragged about their complicated lives as doctors or architects or accountants. True, their life didn’t seem extremely interesting but at least they were doing what people were expected to do at that age. People were even expected to have children before thirty and Kate was rapidly nearing that number.

 Her older brother had already left home, living now with his eternal girlfriend, who would obviously turn into her wife in the years to come. He had chosen to be an engineer and was always working. He travelled a lot because of his work and seemed stressed sometimes but then he also hung out a lot with his friends and girlfriend so it all seemed ok. Besides he had his own place, or this be more exact, he paid the rent of his own place which gave him an incredible level of independence and Kate envied that.

 During the last year, she had begun writing several types of pieces, but did so in her own space. She had tried selling some of the articles to magazines but apparently they were more comfortable with people they already knew. So she did all by herself and was thrilled to see that a few people, not that many but still, had begun reading her. There were not many comments, but the few that she received were good. People that read was she had to say specially liked the short stories although some others, mainly women, were very interested on her articles about beauty and related subjects. She was proud of that, as she had never thought people would read her but still no one was paying her for it.

 The thing was, and most people out of college would agree, there is an urgency to do a certain amounts of things as you turn into “an adult”. First of all, just like the song says, it’s all about the money. There’s a feeling of failure when you haven’t transformed any talent that you have in physical prize for it. And, let’s face it; money is the oil of the engine that is the world. Without money there is not much that you can do in life, unless your goal is to be hippie. And people look at you weird when you are a certain age and you haven’t achieved that part of the goal, even more when people in the family have been working since they were teenagers.

 And then there’s the feeling of achievement, of having gotten somewhere with what supposedly made you special. Kate had always felt, for one that she was very skilled at telling the best fantastical stories ever. One thing that she loved was visiting one of her cousins and just make stories for her right on the spot. Kate didn’t tell her about princesses or things like that but about space battles and fantastical creatures and more realistic worlds but settled in the weirdest environments. It was fun for her and her cousin loved the stories, always asking her for others or for the “sequels” of some of the ones she had told her before.

 One day, Kate decided staying home was the worst she can do. She had decided to stop sending her CV everywhere and just think everything through. She felt she was aiming her bullets all over the place, without ever hitting anything or not even knowing what she was aiming for. That had to be changed urgently because she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and she didn’t want to add a clinical state to her slate of mental issued. It would be too much for her.

 So Kate took a walk. She decided to go to one of those neighborhoods filled only with houses and where people rarely walk around or anything. It was located on a hill, not that far from her home, so the walk was really difficult at times but the beautiful old houses that had stood there for many decades compensated it. She saw some of them hosting cafés, some others were small libraries and some more were dancing academies or were simply abandoned. She imagined various stories for the people she saw through the windows, the signs and the names.

 She finally arrived to a small park, located on the edge of a cliff overlooking the city. She had no idea that park was there and it was beautiful. The day was bright and almost cloudless so the city could be seen for kilometers in various directions. No people or cars could be seen though, only the trees, the buildings and, farther, the airport. She sat down on one of the benches and imagined so many stories she regretted not having a notepad or something to write on. She then remembered phones were more advanced now so she took it out and made small audio fragments, each one with a different idea. It was weird talking alone to a phone without anyone hearing it but she was glad the ideas wouldn’t be forever lost.

 Suddenly she felt someone close and turned around in middle sentence as she saw a guy about her age feeding the pigeons. He had thrown some breadcrumbs on the small patch of grass of the park but also kept some in his hands, where the pigeons would come to feed themselves. Kate looked closely at the guy and realized he was wearing an overall. Maybe he was in construction or something related. But he didn’t have plaster or white paint stains. He rather had small stains of several colors and she even noticed he had some on his neck.

 He then noticed her and smiled. Kate turned red fast and tried to turn around but the guy talked to her. She asked her that he had always loved the view from there, since he was a kid. She then asked him if he lived there and he answered that he had lived there since birth. He still lived in his parent’s home, not very far from there. He got closer and sat down next to Kate, followed by some pigeons that thought he had more breadcrumbs but soon became disappointed.

 They then had a very nice chat about the view, about what each of them did and what they liked. The boy’s name happened to be Julian and he was an artist, or so he said at least. She told her he had gone to France to study but he had left the career before finishing it. He had decided that painting was not something that needed a degree and he also realized he hadn’t had any money to go on living as if his parents were not struggling to get him through college. So he came back and was very happy with his decision.

 He invited Kate to his studio, to see his paintings, as she was openly skeptical that he was an actual artist. Realizing she should be a little more adventurous, she accepted the invitation. They had only walked a couple of blocks when he opened the gate of one of those old houses and let her in. They entered the house and then went down to what would be the parking area but there was no car. He turned on the lights and, effectively, there was a studio right there. Most canvases were in the ground against the walls but a couple of them were on easels and she thought they were great.

 One of the paintings was a scenery, possibly the city from the hill, and the other one seemed to be a human face but it was difficult to see what kind of person that was. Anyway, she liked the drawings and asked her if she sold them. He told her that he had just sold his first in a flea market, just because he had dare to go to one and just pay for one of the spaces for a day. It was all the money he had but he recuperated it with the selling of the painting, which was a nude male.

 Then, Kate’s phone began to ring. It was her mom asking her where she was, as she had promised to join her to go to the supermarket. She told her she would be there in half an hour and hung up before her mother could say anything.

 Julian joined her to the gate and told her to come any time she wanted. He realized she was just as free as him and that she appreciated things like his paintings. Besides, he confessed, he had heard her talking to her phone, summing up the ideas she was having by looking to the cliff. Then, unexpectedly, he put one hand in one of her shoulders and told her not to worry about anything. Artists had to create and find themselves before bringing people into their worlds. It was just a matter of time and patience.

 All the way home, Kate had a big smile on her face.

Quiero morir

   Me desperté y el mundo se me vino abajo. Porque estaba aquí, de nuevo? Que hacía en esa cama, con un montón de cosas conectadas a mi cuerpo? No otra vez… Porque no pueden entender que no quiero seguir volviendo aquí, que no quiero más ayudas que no me ayudan en verdad? No puedo gritar ni tengo fuerzas para gritar pero su pudiera hacer algo seguramente sería levantar este edificio a gritos. Los odio a todos, a cada uno de los que trabaja aquí, a todos los que permitieron que esto me pasara otra vez. Los odio, los detesto y no los quiero volver a ver nunca jamás.

 Esta frustración es insoportable. Me siento más débil que nunca, tan mal como jamás me he sentido y es precisamente esta agonía la que me quería evitar. Y ya no solo es mi alma la que no puede sino también mi cuerpo. Siento como si cada miembro estuviera hecho de plomo, teniendo apenas la fuerza para levantar un cojín de plumas. Se siente horrible, por dentro y por fuera pero lo que es peor es que yo lo había dicho, yo lo hablé, hice todo lo que debía hacer y sin embargo ellos no lo entienden. Adonde tengo que ir, a que maldito punto de este desgraciado planeta tengo que largarme para que me dejen morir en paz?

 A mi que me importa lo que digan sus estúpidas religiones, que solo creen en hombre y mujeres de fantasía, que son apenas los ideales que las personas siempre han querido ser: un hombre santo y una mujer virginal. Que montón de basura, de mierda pura es en la que creen y la que me quieren forzar por la garganta nada más porque la culpa que tienen es muy grande. Debe ser que saben que todo esto, todo lo que me pasa por la cabeza y siento en mi corazón, es culpa de ellos. De hecho, es culpa de todos pero más que todo mía y eso lo sé.

 Pero deberían respetar mi deseo de morir cuando a mi se me de la gana y no solo cuando una enfermedad terminal me tenga postrado o cuando me atropelle un carro. Eso sería esperar demasiado y yo no quiero seguir esperando. Ellos no entienden que no puedo más, no tengo más energías para seguir, para continuar con esta farsa que llaman una vida. Como pueden ser tan hipócritas, tan bajos y tan desgraciados de decirme que esto que tengo en mi es vida pero nadie es capaz de hacerla mejor ni me dejan a mi hacerlo por mi cuenta?

 Si no puedo morirme yo, al menos que se mueran todos ellos y me dejen en paz. Déjenme solo, tranquilo y lejos donde mi cuerpo pueda consumir solo en su amargura y desgracia. Eso es lo único que quiero ahora de ellos. No es ni siquiera un deseo o una orden. Es solo un pedido y deberían concedérmelo si no me quieren tener aquí cada cierto tiempo. Se quejan de las pocas camas que hay en hospitales pero siguen mandándome a mi a una, a alguien que ya no quiere más de toda esta basura. Que se la den a un leproso si quieren, a mi que no me jodan más la vida.

 Déjenme morir. Y esto lo suplico. Déjenme  decidir que hacer con lo poco que tengo. Si quiero tirarme por una ventana o si quiero tomar el veneno para ratas más tóxico, que me dejen en paz. Yo nunca me he metido en la vida de nadie. No le he dicho a nadie como vivir su vida y francamente tampoco me interesa la gente lo suficiente para eso. Si yo soy capaz de no joderle la vida a nadie, no deberían hacer lo mismo conmigo? No es lo justo acaso?

 Cuando no es con su dios de caricatura, buscas excusarse con que soy muy joven o con que la vida es solo una y no hay que desperdiciarla. Pero si es mía! Es mi vida y yo debería hacer con ella lo que me plazca. Si quiero volarme la cabeza en mil pedazos debería yo tener el derecho de hacerlo sin tener que consultar a medio país para ver que opinan. Al fin y al cabo soy yo el que vive aquí adentro de este cuerpo. Soy yo el que siente como un muro se cerrara sobre él y como el aire se retirar lentamente. Soy yo el que tiene que vivir como yo y no ellos, así que porque se meten?

 Sí, me dolería dejar a mi familia. Eso es lo único que me hace pensar. Sé que alguien, algunos de ellos, deben estar allí afuera esperando que yo reaccione o haga algo. Sé que se preocupan por mi y que me quieren pero no puedo tomar las decisiones necesarias si solo pienso en lo que van a sentir los demás. La mayoría de veces pienso que les dolería pero con el tiempo no sería tan grave y al menos me recordarían. Eso no estaría mal, si el dolor pasa con el tiempo. Ellos son los únicos que me hacen pensar en lo que planeo hacer pero, como ven, siempre termino haciéndolo.

 Eso es porque estoy seguro de mi acciones. O bueno, tal vez sea más porque es más grande el dolor, es más grande la sensación de no haber nunca sido nada, es más grande la presión de todo lo que hay alrededor. Idiotas dirían que nadie me presiona pero eso es mentira. A todo el mundo lo aprecian más, lo premian incluso, cuando dice lo que ha logrado con su esfuerzo y el trabajo que tiene y cuanto le pagan. La sociedad premia a los que viven la vida que todos deberían vivir, al menos según la idea humana de la vida.

 Porque todo ser humano, no importa en que crea, donde o cuando haya nacido ni quien sea, todos piensan exactamente lo mismo. Los logros miden el valor de un ser humano y por eso mi valor es menor al de una hogaza de pan dura y rancia. No tengo logros, no he hecho nada que haga a nadie orgulloso. Estudiar no es un logro, es apenas una de las cosas que todos hacemos. Los logros se supone que deben ser cosas que uno haya hecho por su cuenta, con el tesón que debería ser propio de todos los seres humanos pero que a mi me saltó y no me dejó nada.  Lo único que he hecho en mi vida es estudiar, es hacer lo que era mi responsabilidad y no más. Esos no son logros dignos de la atención de nadie y lo he sentido y vivido así desde siempre.

 Nada más es mirar la expresión en el rostro de alguien cuando le digo que no hago nada en la vida, que no gano dinero, que vivo en la casa de mis padres y que me siguen manteniendo igual desde que nací. Es una mezcla de lástima o decepción, con horror y algo de ganas de morirse de la risa. Lo veo siempre y no creo que pueda culparlos. Al fin y al cabo el mundo es de cierta manera y nadie lo va a cambiar nunca, por muy luchadores o rebeldes que sean. Las cosas jamás van a cambiar y eso deberían metérselo algunos en la cabeza.

 Hay gente que, fingiendo preocupación, se me acerca y me dice que haga algo. Malditos hijos de puta. Acaso tengo que venderme como una prostituta para ganar algo de valor en este mundo? De hecho ese sería un camino más rápido a ser apreciado. Porque las putas al menos ganan dinero. Que es lo que quieren que haga? Que trabaje? Díganselo a aquellos que no me dan trabajo, prefiriendo a su amigos o conocidos? No soy hombre de grandes ideas así que crear algo nuevo dudo mucho que esté en mi. No tengo nada, absolutamente nada que ofrecer a nadie. Lo que sé hacer yo lo hacen muchas personas así que, una vez más, estoy jodido.

 El dinero es el que maneja el mundo. Eso hay que tenerlo siempre claro, para que a uno no lo sorprenden las porquería y estupideces que pasan a cada rato. Muchos son tan inocentes, tan ingenuos que creen que el amor, esa cosa estúpida que nadie sabe ni definir, el que reina en los corazones y el que tiene más poder que el mismo dinero. Que mano de mierda! El amor no es nada más sino decencia disfrazada de algo más perverso: interés. No hay nada que sea más dañino y vil que el interés falso, que un interés fingido. Gente muere por culpa de ello. Pero no, todos siguen en su mundo fantasioso donde todos debemos amarnos.

 Que se jodan. Yo no quiero amar a nadie si eso significa dejarlos a la deriva cuando no se sientan parte de la gran masa amorfa que es la sociedad. Y después me preguntan, esos disque sicólogos que son seres aún más trastornados que el resto de nosotros, como me hace sentir todo esto. La idiotez, sin duda, no tiene limites. Solo a alguien con menos de medio cerebro se le ocurriría preguntar semejante pregunta tan idiota. Como te sientes…

 Quieren saber como me siento, querida sociedad de mierda? Siento que no soy nada con todos ustedes y siento que prefiero morirme poniéndome una pistola en la boca cortándome las venas que seguir en un mundo donde gente mediocre y profundamente estúpida es lo ideal. Prefiero hacer sufrir a mi familia por un instante antes que reconocer cualquiera de sus mentiras. Soy un fracaso completo y por fin lo reconozco, después de años de pretender que solo estaba perdido. Fracasé en esta puta vida y solo quiero que me dejen terminarla en paz, a mi manera. Así que se pueden meter un palo por el culo porque esto lo hago, sea como sea. Y va a haber un momento en el que no vuelva a esta cama de hospital y ese día, por una vez, habré ganado.