Unexpected

   Adam had always been, to the eyes of others, perfect. He had always been taller than others, but not too tall. He was also smart, but not exceedingly intelligent. He was a very sporty guy but also found time to enjoy and participate in so many other activities such as theatre and dancing. Besides, everyone loved his physique, his smile and his nice and gentle way of being. He was perfect, as said before but the only thing people judged him for was the choice of his career. He had envisioned, at first, to become a professional footballer. Then, as he was stopped everywhere he went, he was asked to be a model several times and he enjoyed every experience he had doing that. He even acted on a couple of TV advertisements for products aimed at young people.

 So it was a surprise, to everyone, that he ended up being a porno star. Yes, Adam had found a way to earn his life honestly by taking his clothes of and having sex on camera. As a model, he knew he looked great on camera and as a sports player he knew his body was more than enough to be able to pose naked. The sex part was the most awkward for him but once he got to know the people, it was more comfortable. He had chosen this path, solely because his family was having money issues and he wanted to help them as much as he could so the best way to do it was with porn, as they paid fast and generously. Before he realized, he became one of the favorite actors and he was doing movies in other places, travelling for conventions and getting more and more in the industry.

 Different was the life of David, who was not a perfect guy, or at least he would never be named as such by anyone he knew. He was not good at sports and he didn’t really like any of them. And the concept of going to a gym, a “cage for monkeys” as he put it, was not even in consideration. He was smart but not intelligent and he had no special talents, at least not that he had found in himself. Physically, David was rather short and not fat but not skinny either. He didn’t really like to take his clothes off at the beach but didn’t mind doing it in his house. David and Adam were very different but, somehow, they ended up in the same place.

 But not in the same capacity. David had gone to college and studied to become a film director. He loved movies and wanted to make his own, mainly science fiction and maybe some action ones. He loved everything that had to do with creation and writing and he was ready, at some point, to take over the world with his ideas. But that didn’t happen. Finding a job, specially when you’re young and have no experience. So David sent his curriculum everywhere and only one company responded. He only found it was a porno production company once he went there for an appointment with the head producer. But he saw it was money and he needed experience so he took the job.

 The two guys didn’t meet immediately or anything. Adam was too busy getting famous in his medium and, eventually, he even told his family about what he really did for a living. They were shocked at first and even prone to convince him not to keep working on porn, but then they realized it was that money that had put them through rough times, so they couldn’t really say much. With time, they learned to respect Adam’s decision and they would simply not ask him anything about his job, except maybe when it was him that brought it up, normally something from a trip or a funny story he had lived. He understood those unspoken conditions and was fine with them, as he knew his family would eventually be ok with it.

 He would travel a lot, going from city to city, country to country, visiting all conventions aimed at adult entertainment. The funny thing the first couple of times was the amount of people that recognized him. Both men and women knew who he was from ads online or his movies and that, to him, felt very strange but very good too. He would pose with many fans for pictures and would sign various deals in those places, to put his face on several products sold to adults, toys and so on, but he also signed on for more and more movies, in other countries and with actors and actresses he had never worked with. He had good experiences and bad too but he was always “the perfect guy” and that was even the name of one if his movies.

 David, on the other hand, was working very hard for not so much money. At first the pay was good but then he was transferred to another production company, one that was smaller, and his workload became much larger and his paycheck much smaller. He endured for a bit as others praised him because of his technical ability, something he didn’t even know he had in himself. He did so for several months until he was transferred back to the place where he had a better workload and was surprised to know they wanted him to do the lighting for all the top movies they were releasing. That meant, that all the movies he would do would be the ones the production company was going to push harder on their clientele and that meant also that David’s work would be known.

 The young man was happy to see that people know respected him more, even if they didn’t always knew his name. He had control over a whole section of these movies and, even if they weren’t what he wanted his life to be about, it was a good beginning, as his technical expertise would suffice to make someone important look at him. But at the beginning it was all about porn and filming in these crazy locations such as lavish mansions and fantastic forests and even a rundown train station. It was funny to him how everything got into porn in such an easy way and no one even doubted it would work.

 After returning from a filming in Japan, Adam had several hours on the plane to think about his life. He was as perfect and gorgeous as he would ever be and he had the favor of many people that surrounded him but he had started to wonder if he didn’t need something more in life, maybe something to call his own. He had the idea of starting a pizza business but the idea remained there on his mind because of the amount of responsibilities he had and that he couldn’t ignore. People were also asking why he didn’t have a girlfriend or a boyfriend but he would never answer those questions and he didn’t really know the answer. Maybe it was because, in that line of work, it was best not to combine your personal life and your private one and adult movies are something not every couple would understand fully.

 Meanwhile, David had been contacted by an independent filmmaker, who had asked him to pitch him some ideas for a mystery movie. He had seen David’s work in the adult industry and had also read some of his stories that he published online and had been surprised by his ability to tell stories. So now David had a way to slip away from porn and reroute his life towards what he really wanted. But as he developed the mystery film, he didn’t stop working with the company that had paid him for so long. After all, he had commitments to them and he didn’t wanted to just drop everything and move on to something he didn’t even know if it would work or not. So he opted for patience.

 Eventually the mystery film went into production and David decided it was time to leave the adult film industry. He announced it to his boss and they scheduled together his last film that would star none other than The Perfect guy, in other words, Adam. Curiously, it was Adam’s last film too before he decided to move along and create his pizza business with his family. The filming was very relaxed, despite being quite ambitious for a porno film. They had amazing cameras and lights and costumes. It was a true film being made and it was, for many, the first time porno films were being done in such magnitude, with such grandeur and potential. It was supposed to be a game changer.

 The truth is, Adam and David only spoke once and it wasn’t even a conversation. It was David telling Adam to move a couple of steps backwards for the lights to hit him in the best way and Adam complying. That was it. Adam was of course no interested in David, as he didn’t even acknowledged him at all. David, on his side, did look at Adam extensively as it was stupid not to but he got bored after the first half hour. He was just too “up there” and he was just himself. So after they wrapped up, everyone went home and carried on with their lives.

 Adam’s business was a success, although only in his hometown were the pizzas sold nicely and people would often ask him if he was who they thought it was and also asked for a picture. David’s mystery film was well received in festivals and he went on to win a couple of awards for it. He moved on to be a prolific director, notably adding very intimate scenes in many of his movies, all of them beautifully lit.

Depresión

   Es difícil mantener la compostura cuando sientes que por dentro todo está derrumbándose, cada columna de tu espacio interno parece estar hecha del material más débil en el universo y simplemente crees que ese será, sin duda alguna, tu final en este mundo. Pero la mayoría de las veces, la abrumadora mayoría de las veces, eso no ocurre. No se acaba el mundo, no te acabas tú ni se acaba nada. Si acaso, empiezan muchas cosas y el mundo cambia de muchas maneras. Lo peor del caso, es que los sentimientos que se desarrollan en ese momento solo tiene una duración de algunos minutos, de pronto algunas horas. Al menos eso sucede cuando la cosa no es tan grave y apenas es algo incipiente. Si todo eso pasa a ser algo permanente, algo con lo que hay que vivir, tengo que ser sincero y decir que no entiendo como alguien lo lograría.

 La depresión, y todos los sentimientos que se le unen para que sea lo que es, no es una bestia fácil de controlar. Aparece de un momento a otro y ataca de la forma más baja, de la forma en que tu mismo sabes que va a doler más. Al fin y al cabo, somos nosotros mismos quienes nos atacamos pues no es una enfermedad que venga del exterior de nuestros cuerpos como la gripa o el sarampión. La depresión nace, se incrusta en nuestro interior, y allí vive para siempre hasta que es combatida con eficacia o hasta que consume por completo al ser en el que esté alojada. Las dos son cosas difíciles ya que siempre se vive un poco en el limbo con esta condición, pocas veces es suave o extrema.

 Tomemos un ejemplo. Por ejemplo, ahí está Federico. Es un chico de unos quince años, va a la escuela como la gran mayoría de chicos de su edad y no tiene ninguna particularidad física o intelectual. Su única verdadera particularidad es un gusto por los videojuegos. Cuando era pequeño, como hasta los doce años, los juegos de video eran vistos por él y sus compañeros como lo mejor de lo mejor y se podían pasar horas y horas hablando de ellos y compartiendo información al respecto. Era la época perfecta para él pues los videojuegos le brindaban mundos espectaculares en los que él se sumergía por completo y en los que encontraba cosas que en la vida real jamás hubiera encontrado.

 Sin embargo, los niños crecen. Y habiendo pasado pocos años, las prioridades de sus compañeros cambiaron sustancialmente. El tema principal ahora es el sexo, por muy difícil que sea aceptar esto por parte de sus padres. Ninguno de los chicos ha hecho nada con nadie pero todos han visto pornografía y saben las reglas generales del tema. Pero Federico sigue con los videojuegos ya que, ahora más que nunca, le brindan un espacio de aprendizaje en el que no se siente como un bicho raro. Esto lo convierte en objeto de burla y comienzan entonces los nombres y las acusaciones. Eventualmente, Federico cambia de colegio.

 El cuento parece suave, no tan grave como uno podría pensar que pudiera haber sido. Pero todos sabemos a lo que pueden llegar los jóvenes, o cualquiera de hecho, cuando algo no es como el resto. Porque la verdad es que los seres humanos nos la pasamos hablando de derechos humanos y de respetar los gustos de los demás, pero en la práctica nos da terror cualquier cosa que se salga del contexto normal de nuestras vidas. Es por esto que viajar y vivir en otro país, con una cultura distinta, es muchas veces difícil, al menos al principio. Esas diferencias, que nunca son verdaderamente importantes, nos marcan e incluso cuando las ignoramos siguen estando allí. Y son tan válidas para el que las ve como para el que las sufre.

 La multiculturalidad y la diversidad son ideas muy bonitas pero poco realistas. En niños pequeños funciona, pues estos no están contaminados con nada todavía pero pasemos a la historia de Florencia, una niña de siete años, venida de un país en que la inmigración es muy poca, que de pronto se ve en la mitad del patio de un colegio en uno de los países europeos, la verdad no importa cual. La niña ve otras niñas con velo, niñas negras, niñas chinas, niñas altas, niñas gordas y en fin. Y, en principio, eso no es problema. Pero entonces llega a su casa y escucha los comentarios de sus padres, también nuevos en ese país pero con muchos más prejuicios que ella. Y así entran a su vocabulario y a su mente nuevas palabras que describen a sus compañeras de clase.

 Florencia, ignorante de cómo funciona el mundo, simplemente decide no juntarse con las niñas que son muy diferentes y solo con las que se parecen a ella. Cuando le piden que haga actividades con las demás lo hace pero sin hablarles mucho y prefiriendo ser un poco descortés para que entiendan que ella no quiere ser su amiga. Esta historia puede parecer algo extrema pero la verdad es que sucede todos los días y es sustancialmente peor si se le suben las edades a los involucrados. Todos estamos siendo contaminados, a diario, con información sobre unos y otros. Es cosa nuestra decidir si todo lo que oímos es cierto pero para ello se necesita madurez y conocimiento y no todo el mundo está dispuesto a ambos.

 Esas niñas discriminadas, al comienzo notarán esas pequeñas diferencias y actitudes y con el tiempo también crearán un muro contra los demás, para que esos insultos y acciones no les afecten. Pero nadie se puede esconder para siempre y ahí es cuando la depresión, la misma que le dio al pobre Federico por sentirse solo en su mundo, entra y puede causar mucho más daño que un simple insulto o incluso que una pelea verbal mucho más agresiva. Una vez más, hay que recordar que es algo que está dentro de nosotros y eso es mucho más difícil de combatir que nada.

 Preguntárselo a Carmen, una chica que cayó en la depresión por algo que parece tan simple como perder su trabajo. Toda la vida había soñado con trabajar en una revista y cerca del mundo de la moda y cuando por fin estaba lográndolo, la echan. La explicación fue que su rendimiento no era como el de antes y que además estaban prescindiendo de personal, cosa falsa pues después buscaron a una pasante para hacer lo que ella hacía, es decir que en verdad querían ahorrarse su paga. Esto, en principio, no debería causar ningún tipo de reacción negativa a parte de la rabia y la frustración por perder un trabajo y tener que encontrar otro, que jamás ha sido fácil en ninguna parte y nunca lo será. Los trabajos no abundan en ningún lado y eso fue lo primero que bajó de ánimo a Carmen.

 Pero luego fue su mente la que empezó a concluir cosas que no había porque concluir. Saltó a conclusiones como que en verdad la habían despedido por la calidad de su trabajo y entonces concluyó que no era buena en lo que hacía. Así no más, salto a la concusión de que si la habían echado porque no rendía la verdad era que lo habían hecho porque simplemente no era buena. Entonces comenzó un largo camino, en el que buscó empleo y simplemente no lo conseguía. Trató de encontrar ayuda en sus antiguos profesores y ellos la ignoraron o simplemente nunca supieron que los necesitaba. El caso es que empezó a recorrer una escalera en espiral pero hacia abajo y cada vez que gastaba una posible solución, se hundía más.

 De pronto empezó a llorar en los momentos más extraños y el dolor que sentía cuando se sentía sola y miserable era cada vez peor. Cabe decir que para lograr sus sueño, Carmen había viajado, alejándose de su familia y amigos y ahora todo parecía haber ido por la borda, cada vez más lejos de ella. Tristemente, las cosas nunca mejoraron para Carmen. Un día, en uno de sus peores momentos, sufrió un accidente. Aunque no fue grave, fue la prueba que necesitaba el mundo para internarla en un hogar de reposo. Sus padres y amigos ya estaban con ella pero ya era muy tarde para eso. Carmen estaba pérdida y no abría nada que la devolviera como había sido alguna vez.

 La depresión no es una enfermedad como tal. Es una condición que no es de locos ni de raros, sino de gente que no tiene las fuerzas para seguir, para creer o para permanecer. Hay muchos que no la entienden pues para ellos la vida es sencilla en ese aspecto y solo siguen adelante y no hay ningún problema. Pero para algunos la estructura de todo lo que los rodea es bastante débil y puede ser derrumbada con el golpe más suave. Así que, en vez de juzgar y jugar a que aceptamos a todos, lo mejor sería que nos interesáramos por los demás y dejáramos de fingir para que gustarle a los demás. Los demás no importan cuando estés encerrado en ti mismo y no haya escape de tus propios castigos.moem los necesitaba. El caso es ral pero hacia abajo y cada vez que gastaba una posible solucion que los necesitaba. El caso es

The forbidden jungle

  The waterfall had always been a lonely place, as it was located deep within the jungle. No one would have ever reached it on purpose, instead stumbling into it by mistake. It was said that the waterfall and its lagoon had the capacity to change locations and appear wherever people needed them to be. Many explorers and escapees from a nearby prison wandered into the jungle and got lost for days. Many of them, to be honest most of them, where eaten up by the jungle, whether it was by the fiery creatures inhabiting it or by the secrets that lay beyond the trees and the mossy ground. There were no natives to the jungle that could tell anyone about what lived beyond the first few kilometres simply because no living being, at least of the human species, had ever been able to come back.

 In satellites pictures, the jungle appeared to be dark green and even black in some parts. And it was all trees and trees, no sign of any waterfall or lagoon, which was only none to those few that had wandered into the jungle and survived. But as said before, these people never left the jungle. Instead, they remained in there, slowly transforming into wandering souls that helped protect the jungle and the secret within it. People that suffered this faith would not suffer or deny their destiny. Once they realized why they should give up their natural lives, they gave it all willingly. After all, those who survived were always the best humans, the examples of what was good and admirable about the human race.

 Such a person was Captain Roma Tennant. When she entered the navy, so many years ago, her peers only saw her as one of the women of the ship. But they had no idea she was far stronger and more capable than any of the men that worked with her in any of the Navy’s vessels. She was always the most oriented and the fastest one, also having great skills for shooting. She was prized several times, always involved in missions of war but far from any real battle. When she was finally sent to it, she became easily traumatized. She saw the few friends she had made in the Navy died, blowing up next to her or simply falling to their knees, a bullet in their foreheads. Her mind, however, got to hold on.

 The bit of sanity that remained in Roma was enough to destroy one of the enemies’ battle stations, thereby giving a perfect position for support troops to launch an attack that would make them win the fight. They did win, after many more casualties and Roma was able to survive, killing even more men and hiding in a sewage pipe. She was rescued by her country and brought back home but the truth was that Roma had been devastated by her, her mind almost broken by images of flying limbs and blood tainting every single drop of water. Her recovery took many months and her family thought they had lost her forever.

 And, in a way, they did. When Roma was able to walk again and use her arms and speak, she told them that she couldn’t live in the city anymore, as the sounds there reminded her of the sounds of battle. Cars and cell phones and planes made her very uneasy, very nervous. So her solution was to go and live by the sea, buy a boat with the money they had paid her for her services in the military, and simply live a quiet life in the ocean. She had to win the respect of her fellow men, once again, by proving she could easily manage to control a fishing boat, a cargo ship and even a small ferry to transport people across a small stretch of water.  She did exactly that at first and then travelled across the globe, working in jobs not very different, trying to bring peace to her mind and food to the table.

 She went to every big port in the world but, as she had realized before, cities were not for her, not even their harbours and marinas. She would settle for smaller towns, where she could be around people that she could recognize every day. But that eventually gave her more problems as she was reminded of the many people she had lost in battle. After one of her episodes, she was institutionalized for several months. This time, she had no family nearby and no one apparently notified them of her state. She remained in her cell, receiving shock therapy, which they still thought would be of any good in the country where she was. Eventually, they let her go when they saw she was calmer, less violent.

 Roma left that country fast and ended up in Indonesia, where she established herself as a fisherwoman. The locals there were not very happy to see her, a woman, trying to compete with all the men. She felt so harassed, that she decided to move upstream, through a large river that crossed a huge jungle. There she would finally be alone and she would be able to have a decent life for the remainder of her days, no matter how many they would be. She then noticed that explorers, scientists from all over who saw the jungle as an incredible source of discoveries, frequently visited the region. They said that a new animal was discovered every six hours and a new plant every eight hours.

 It was hard to believe such tales but Roma decided it was business and she dedicated herself to tour the scientists up and down the river and even through some canals and streams she had discovered. All the foreigners that got on her boat always came back as she was more daring than most people of the region and they knew it was because she had seen more of the world than they had. For a couple of years, explorers became her friends and she would always be there to greet them and take them wherever they needed to do their research. She had fun doing it, as she felt at peace for once in her life and it felt good.

 That changed the day she met Alexander Epps, an American scientist that had heard tales of the forbidden jungle and arrived in the region asking loudly for someone to take him there. Everyone said no, even Roma. She didn’t know all the tales, but she did know that the region of the jungle he was asking to go was very tricky in terms of navigability. She was skilled enough to go, she was sure, but it was difficult to live there and ignore the stories she had heard, about teams of twenty people that left for the jungle and never came back. Boats that appeared out of nowhere in the river and people recognized them as the ones that had transported lost souls to that dark patch of the forest. Roma was an adventurous woman, but she was no fool at all.

 However, Epps was a scientist and his research had also dropped the name of Roma. How it was known she lived there now, was never truly explained. Nevertheless Epps came to talk to her and tried to convince her to take him to the forbidden jungle. He insisted for months and she always said no. But then, as intelligent and twisted as Epps had always being, he tricked Roma into watching some images and footage of the war she had been in. He bombarded her with information, facts and so on. Just as he predicted, she snapped. But before she could lose herself to her own mind, Epps convinced her that the only way to purge herself from everything was to make a good deed and that was to tale him to the jungle.

 The next day, she took his team of ten men in her boat and carried them upstream. As expected, the jungle grew thicker, until it was impossible to keep advancing by boat. She told Epps it was her time to return but he threatened her with a gun and made her walk in front of him. None of that mattered anyways as in only one night; all the men of the expedition would be killed. Roma had not seen such carnage, not even in war. There were gigantic snakes breaking the bones of men, jaguars that destroyed a person in minutes and huge birds with beaks that could poke out eyes in the easiest way possible. The last one to die was Epps, who was impaled by a shadow Roma had seen before.

 Alones and in the brink of insanity, Roma wandered through the jungle, trying to get out of there but knowing one of the beasts was probably waiting for her. She was getting impatient, asking for the jungle to eat her, to destroy her life once and for all. But then she heard the humming of the water and, some steps in front of her; there was a perfect lagoon and a great waterfall where she cleansed herself from everything. Even her memories seemed to leave her as she washed her body. And then, beyond the trees, she saw a light. At first she thought it was an animal but then she realized it had the shape of a human being. Whatever it was, it was asking her to come towards him.

 Slowly, Roma did exactly that. The entity was one of the many souls that lived in the forest, one of the oldest apparently. It took Roma by the hand and took her to a trip where she left her body and transformed into a better version of herself. They wandered all around the jungle until the spirit took her deep within the trees, beyond the killer animals and the poisonous plants, beyond the waterfall and its soothing waters. There, in a space covered by plant life, there was a rock. It was the colour of blood and looked harmless. The spirit invited her to touch it and, when she did, she felt complete. And she understood why no one that wasn’t worthy could ever survive the forbidden jungle.

Soledad

   La soledad es algo difícil de vivir y de sentir. Hay quienes la adoran y hay otros que la aborrecen. Es un sentimiento que pone a la gente a la defensiva o, por el contrario, los pone contra una pared y los debilita hasta que no saben quienes son. Es difícil manejar algo de ese estilo, algo que se transforma cuando quiere y nunca es lo que creemos que es. La soledad ha transformado a muchos en locos y a otros en genios, a unos en cascarones vacíos y a otros en la mejor versión de sí mismos. Es el sentimiento como tal el que provoca semejantes transformaciones o son sus efectos en el ser humanos los que empujan a este a ser una u otra cosa, a no permanecer en lo que han sido por un tiempo sino más bien transformarse al extremo de sus capacidades?

 No lo sé. Y tampoco lo sabía Juan que,  desde que su vida había dado un vuelco de ciento ochenta grados, no sabía que lado era el correcto para nada. Su familia había muerto trágicamente hacía un tiempo y no le quedaban sino algunos familiares amigables pero lejanos. Y por amores no había que preocuparse porque nunca había habido ninguno y era poco posible que lo hubiese en el futuro. Estaba completamente solo, recogiendo los pedazos de la vida que había tenido antes y tratando de hacer algo con todos ellos, pero la verdad era que nada se podía hacer, nada que no tuviera una sombra de recuerdos infinitos de su familia. Los podía ver todos los días y todos los días se le rompía el corazón un poco y era la maldita soledad la que lo hacía posible.

 Había heredado la casa de la familia, en la que todos habían crecido por tanto tiempo. Juan antes vivía en un apartamento pequeño que había conseguido cuando por fin se había podido independizar de la familia. Pero eso duró pocos meses antes de que sucediera lo que había ocurrido y antes de que Juan debiera ponerse en frente de todos los asuntos financieros de su familia. Nunca había pensado que la vida podía ser tan difícil pero ahora vivía el día a día pagando cosas que no eran de él, vendiendo otras, ignorando facturas, hablando con gente que conocían a su padre y que siempre decían las peores palabras de apoyo. Él no quería seguir escuchando sus estúpidas voces pero no tenía opción.

 El primer mes fue un infierno pues, cuando no estaba atendiendo un montón de problemas que no eran suyos, estaba llorando en algún rincón de la casa como un fantasma pero vivo. El dolor que sentía era inmenso, era imposible de calmar y de ignorar. Se sentía como algo que crecía por dentro, inflándose hasta adquirir dimensiones extraordinarias que empujaban a todos los órganos al extremo del cuerpo. Por eso, creía él, que sentía que no podía respirar con propiedad y que su corazón ya no bombeaba tanta sangre como debía. Incluso, un par de veces, perdió el conocimiento al instante, de tanto llorar.

 Cuando eso pasaba se despertaba como si nada en lugares en los que no recordaba haber estado. Su cara le dolía igual que su cuerpo y como casi siempre era de madrugada se arrastraba a si mismo a su cama y allí se quedaba dormido, con algo de dolor en su cuerpo. Era casi una rutina que sentía que estaba acabando con su cuerpo. Tanto era el dolor que tuvo que guardar todos los recuerdos de su familia y decidió vender el apartamento que tantos recuerdos guardaba para él. No podía seguir allí, torturándose porque sí. Debía encontrar una forma de parar el dolor, ese sentimiento de culpa que salía de la soledad que lo acosaba día tras días y en todos los rincones de la maldita ciudad.

 Porque no era solo en casa que se sentía así. Era también en la calle, afuera en el mundo donde había tantas personas y tanto ruido. Lo  que pasaba allí era potencialmente peor porque la gente le daba rabia. La soledad no solo lo hacía sentir mal sino que le sacaba una faceta de rabia, de resentimiento contra todas las demás personas que se atrevían a sonreír en el mundo cuando él no tenía ya la capacidad para hacer algo así. Trataba siempre de ir a lugares de comida rápida para que lo atendieran con celeridad y pudiese sentarse en una mesa pequeña para comer y luego irse. Si estaba en una tienda, iba directo a lo que necesitaba y si decidía curiosear lo hacía por los pasillos que estuvieran solos.

 Los pocos amigos que tenía se fueron alejando. Al parecer, su nueva actitud no les caía muy en gracia, cosa que a él poco o nada le importaba. La verdad era que esos amigos nunca habían sido muy importantes para él porque eran del trabajo, era gente con la que tenía ese único enlace en común y, como ya lo había cortado, ya no había nada que los uniera de verdad. Él descubrió que ellos eran tan aburridos como el resto de la humanidad y ellos descubrieron que el lado oscuro de Juan no les gustaba ni un poco y tampoco su poca voluntad para reírse de chistes malos o tomar cerveza hasta que estuviesen perdidos. Eso débiles lazos de amistad se rompieron con facilidad.

 Así que Juan de verdad estaba solo y no deseaba cambiarlo por nada del mundo. La razón era simple: el dolor, la angustia, la soledad… Todos esos sentimientos lo llenaban y lo empujaban hacia delante. Los recuerdos también y la rabia hacía su parte. Todos ellos lo hacían moverse, como si se tratase de una marioneta. Y él estaba dispuesto a seguir siendo esa marioneta de la vida, al menos hasta que no pudiese aguantarlo más. Siguió así por mucho tiempo después de la tragedia y consiguió incluso un trabajo solitario, entregando licor en tiendas de barrio en las noches. Era peligroso o eso decían pero a él le daba lo mismo. El peligro ahora era relativo para él y la verdad era que no le importaba.

Así siguió Juan con su descenso al infierno, sus lentos pasos hacia un destino que él conocía muy bien pero al que no tenía ni una pizca de ganas de evitar. La vida, en general, le daba ya un poco lo mismo y no le interesaba como o que fuese a ocurrir en el futuro. Para él, ya nada tenía verdadera importancia y su vida se había convertido en una de esas cosas que solo funcionan porque no tienen más remedio que seguir trabajando hasta que se dañen y colapsen solas. Esa era su idea, seguir adelante hasta que todo, por arte de la vida, se detuviera de una manera o de otra. No pensaba en los detalles de todo eso pero la verdad era que habían momentos, muchos momentos, en los que deseaba que lo que fuese a suceder pasara pronto.

 La soledad no solo se había tragado su tiempo y personalidad sino también su espíritu casi al completo. Las únicas veces que demostraba sentimientos diferentes a los de siempre era cuando veía fotos de su familia, que era una vez cada semana por lo menos. Entonces lloraba de nuevo, las pocas lágrimas que le quedaban, pero también sonreía por momentos y parecía entonces un ser humano completo, real y común y corriente. Pero esa ilusión no duraba mucho y rápidamente volvía a ser la sombra que había empezado a ser desde hacía mucho tiempo. Comía cada vez menos y casi no salía de la casa para nada.

 Para nadie fue sorpresa saber, no mucho tiempo después, que Juan había sido encontrado muerto en su casa. El olor fue lo que alertó a los vecinos quienes llamaron a la policía. Estos rompieron la puerta y encontraron el cuerpo sin vida de Juan en el baño. Se había metido a la bañera y allí se había cortado las venas y lo había hecho como solo quienes en verdad quieren morir lo hacen. Al parecer los sentimientos adentro de su cuerpo no estaba actuando con la suficiente velocidad y él había decidido darles un pequeño empujón. No hubo velación ni entierro, solo una cremación rápida y sus cenizas fueron dadas a familiares lejanos que las esparcieron por la tumba de los padres de Juan.

 Y como él lo había previsto, su vida no quedó impresa en el mundo. Su mayor miedo, incluso antes de lo que había ocurrido, siempre había sido morir sin dejar una huella, sin que nadie supiese que había existido. Pero en sus últimas horas se dio cuenta de que la visa humana en realidad no es tan valiosa como todos dicen, o sino se trataría por más medios de mejorarla y de hacerla más fuerte contra todo lo que atenta contra ella. Juan había perdido todas las fuerzas y, aunque no había pedido ayuda, nadie tampoco le dio una mano ni una mera palabra de aliento para que pudiese soportar el trago amargo de la muerte de sus padres.

 La soledad se lo llevó y nadie nunca supo nada más ni nada menos de él.