His body felt warm and I liked
that. I hugged him, tightening the grip with my arms, because I was actually
afraid he might leave at any moment. But, for some reason I never asked, he
stayed that night with me. We made love again and he told me he loved me as he
kissed my neck and I caressed his thigh. It was so much, maybe too much, for
just one night. But I decided not to ask anything, not to think about it all
too much. I didn’t want to ruin the moment with a question that could be
answered another time.
Nowadays, our relationship has
evolved greatly. That was three years ago. We are now married and his son lives
with us. He had him with a woman he thought he loved, right out of high school
but it wasn’t what he thought it was. However, from that weak union came a
strong bond in the form of Nicholas, a bright kid that has made me rethink my
role as a man. I’m not his father, not biologically and I haven’t adopted him
yet, but he calls me Dad anyway, without thinking about it too much.
We live in a house we were able
to buy with both our salaries. The cost was high but we knew exactly what we
wanted. It has a large main bedroom and two spar bedrooms for visitors. Thomas,
my husband, decorated Nicholas’ room personally, putting on the walls every single
thing the kid liked and making it removable in order to be adjusted as the
years go by. He dedicated long hours to that project and refused my help, as he
wanted to do something special for his kid after years of a difficult
relationship.
Thomas and the kid’s mother had
been fighting for their rights for a long time until it was agreed she would
have the kid for one month and then Thomas would get the kid for the following
month and so on. I thought it was cruel to use a kid like that, as a thing to put
on or off the counter. But I never said a word because that’s something for
Thomas to fix and tend to. We even fought several times because he seemed too
focused on his kid and his former girlfriend than in our life together.
I have to confess I got to be a
lot meaner than I ever was. For starters, I never liked the kid before he came
in to live with us. I resented him in a way, seeing how Thomas loved to spend
every waking moment with him and I just got some weekends and not even that.
Our relationship had passed from one with a lot of romance and sex, to one
where there was only a random kiss a week and some conversation that never went
anywhere. Even after we got married, I felt he wasn’t mine yet and maybe he
would never be. I neglected to see he was a father first, my husband later.
The kid would come in some
weekends, from time to time, but it would often be a very tense time for Thomas
and for me as well. Not only because he would spend every single second with
the kid but because he would spend the rest of his time talking about his
former girlfriend and how he thought she should run his life. I heard so much
about her for so long. The few chances I got to meet her; I avoided the
opportunity at every turn. I didn’t want to feel even more threatened and
unsure of myself.
I even decided to attend a shrink
once a week. I’ve never believed in those people but I thought it would be much
better than just staying at home on the edge of screaming at Thomas or, God
forbid, striking the kid. So I excused myself telling them I was going to meet
my parents but I really spent an hour with Dr. Mendelsohn, who was as useless
as I had thought before attending our appointments. The only good thing was
that I wasn’t at home anymore. As I’m not made of money, I stopped going after
one month.
After that, I decided to really spend
my days with my parents. After I had moved out of the house, I didn’t really
got to speak with them that much, only over the cellphone or something. So I
began cooking with my mom again and talking politics with dad. It was like back
when I was younger and I found myself yearning for those years. It was hard
because I was depressed often but at least I had them back then. They were
always there for me to talk or at least just be there, to be present.
Eventually, Thomas confronted me
about going to my parents practically every single weekend. I confronted him
too, telling him I had no interest in meddling into his affairs, into his life
before I entered into it. He said he wanted me to be in his present fully,
involving myself with his child and even with the woman that had brought him to
life. But I told him the truth: I couldn’t make myself want something I didn’t.
I had never wanted children or the past to come knocking on my door. I just
wanted him.
That was the moment our
relationship took a deep dive. We didn’t yell or anything like that after that
argument. We just fell silent and suddenly I knew exactly what I had to do. I
grabbed a suitcase and started putting some of my clothes there. I told him it
was temporary, because it was clear we needed space to think about what was
happening. I reminded him he was my husband right before heading out. He
grabbed me by the wrist and told me I was his husband too. I won’t lie: fear
ran through my spine right then and there. I have no idea why but that’s what
happened.
I moved in with my parents and I
asked them not to say a word about the whole thing. I would just continue to go
to work and fulfill my responsibilities without any delay or doubt. I would
just go on with my life because stop it altogether would be fatal. Of course, I
cried every night thinking about him and how the man I used to know was no
longer there. I trusted him to think about it all and come back to me with a
proper response. He never did, at least not in the way I had always thought.
He came to my place almost a year
later. I had decided to rent a small apartment downtown, as I realized my
parents already had a life between the two and me being there was not the life
they had envisioned in their golden years. So I decided to move on, never
minding anything else in my life. I even got a promotion, which was celebrated with
a big party where I almost kissed another man but didn’t. I felt like shit
after that but at least I stopped myself, despite the large amounts of alcohol
in my blood.
The day Thomas came, I was
cleaning my place up. I stopped everything and we sat down in the living room,
which consisted on a sofa against he wall, facing a flat screen TV. There was a
moment of silence and then I told him I hated when silence feel between us. It
seemed unnatural. He finally spoke, saying he had come to me to tell me the
years of litigation were done and that he had finally gained a good amount of
time with his son. I was happy for him, because he was finally ecstatic with
the news.
I thought that was it. He didn’t
seem to have anything else to say, so I stood up and told him I needed to
finish cleaning soon, as I had to leave later. It was a lie; I just wanted him
out of my sight. But then he came close to me and hugged me as I had hugged me
so many years ago. He told me he loved me and that he missed me every single
day. He even kneeled and asked me to marry him, which was nice because I had
been to one to do that the first time. I said yes, because I do love him.
We then had the best sex I have
ever had. It’s strange how you take some things for granted, like how much
better it is when your partner is someone that knows your body thoroughly and has
a very good idea about what you like, what it is that makes you feel in heaven.
I have no idea how, but he
transferred that knowledge to the other parts of our lives. That’s how I got to
understand him better and to love his son, maybe as much as he did. Now I found
myself packing lunches and preparing camping weekends. Life is so strange… But
it’s life.