Thanks

   Blood was always difficult to clean off. She grabbed a sponge from the bathroom and put it under the water with some soap. She then grabbed the sponge and started cleaning her boots, as they were covered in red. The sponge, that used to be yellow, got heavily tainted and it was almost impossibly to clean it after having removed almost every trace of blood from her boots. As she walked the bathroom, she grabbed the sponge and walked with her footwear on the other hand.

 Her name was Linda, which means “beautiful” or “cute” in Spanish. But that had nothing to do with her. First, because her parents had no idea of another language and they would have never bothered to learn anything about a world outside theirs. Second, because although she had a nice body and all the curves men would like to stare at, she didn’t found herself all that cute.

 She put on the boots in the living room and then went to the kitchen to throw away the sponge. She grabbed a yogurt, cheese and an apple from the refrigerator and ate them all practically at the same time. She hadn’t had a decent meal in a while and she had to take that moment to eat something recharge batteries. As she gulped down the yogurt, she realized her hands had lots of little cuts and she had blood under her nails. When Linda finished eating, she tried to clean it off but failed.

 It was time to go. Linda took out a cellphone and checked her messages. She had told Marlon to only text her and never to call her. Apparently he had gotten the idea because she had not received any calls, only one text when he asked if she was ok. She answered by only writing “yes”.

 When she walked out the house through the back, a gust of very cold wind hit her directly in the face. Maybe rain or some kind of snow front was coming. But that wasn’t important right now. She just closed her jacket the best she could and walked towards the car that was parked just on one side of the garden. It was one of those houses where everything looks perfect. But what was inside was not perfect, unless you were a homicidal maniac with a thing for order.

 Linda dismissed the thought of it all and got in the car. She had found the keys in an ashtray inside, as if the person that drove the car was always very careful about them. Linda drove faster than the previous owner, getting to the highway in no time. She tried not to speed in order not to attract any attention but it was hard. Her only wish was to be very far away from there, and that had to be done fast or they would link everything that had happened the last few days to her. And she couldn’t face that.

 Night came fast and also a thin rain, which was more annoying than anything else. She kept driving, remembering the faces she had seen recently and putting tags on the ones that she would never see again. Many people had died violently because of her lately and it was something that, although not honestly shocking, she did want it to be left behind. She wanted to be free from those awful memories and sights; she wanted to be left alone.

 However, as the “gas” sign on the car’s dashboard started beeping, she knew that wasn’t going to be possible. Right now, many cops, many people in general, were thinking that it was all her fault, it was all because of her and it was her who had done it all. And they were right, at least partially. Because she did have blood under her nails, because her body did ache because of the struggle and because she had seen what no one else had seen that week.

 Seven hours after departing the house, Linda pulled over a gas station. It was self-service, so she used the cash she had found on the house to fill the tank and hope no one would catch up with her there. She entered the store to pay and realized a table had been set up inside and, before she could walk back, the family having dinner there noticed her and smiled. Somehow, they were happy to see her, even if she had no idea who they were or what they were doing. Suddenly, people got up and smiled and she saw food on the table and remembered.

 It was Thanksgiving Day. She had forgotten all about it as she had been too busy dodging life. She walked closer and asked to pay for her gas but the family invited her to a plate. She insisted on paying but the mother replied they had all decided to celebrate the day there because the station was family property and they couldn’t close it down so the best way to celebrate was to do it in the store and give any costumers a plate to share the joy of the holiday.

 Linda insisted many more times, looking out at the car, but every single one of them kept insisting. They then put a plate on her hands and she had to do something she had almost forgotten how to do: act. She forced a smile on her face and went around the table putting various types of salads and vegetables and turkey on her plastic plate. She then thanked them all and told them she would prefer to eat it in her car, as she didn’t want to interrupt.

 Then, Linda heard it again. She froze right where she stood as the voice, which was not feminine or masculine, invaded her head. She didn’t understood how it had found her again. It had to be close. She asked for it not to do anything to her or to the people there but, when she realized it, she had dropped her plate of food and was now holding the knife they were using to cut the turkey. Her arm moved and she was inside of her body, unable to control anything. But as she was about to slash one of the attendants, a bullet entered her leg and she lost balance, collapsing to the floor. She lost consciousness right there.

 The woman had some awful dream, were voices in different tones told her what to do. One wanted her to poke her eyes out, another one advised to grab a knife and cut her legs off. Another, deeper voice, ask her to just drop dead. And then they all stopped talking and she heard a beautiful female voice. It was someone she knew or at least she seemed to be very familiar to her. But that didn’t matter. The voice told her, in words that felt like a medicine, that she had to fight back, not letting them in.

 Linda woke up, panting and sweating in a hospital bed. She had wanted to move but two things stopped her: she was tied to the bed, as they did with mental patients, and her leg was hurting too much, so she could barely move properly. She tried to fight her restraints but it was useless and she tried to scream too but her throat was dry and she would only hurt herself. Linda couldn’t cry either, as much as she had wanted to do so many times before. Somehow, she couldn’t.

 Two men then entered the room, a policeman and a doctor. The agent started talking about how she was going to be incarcerated due to her having murdered over twenty people the past few days and her attempted murder of a family that had been seating about to have dinner. Linda just shook her head, unable to speak. The men ignored this. The doctor then spoke, telling her that she apparently suffered from a condition in which illusions and voices were very present so he had recommended the police not to put her in jail but in a psychiatric ward.

 Again, Linda tried to scream, but couldn’t.

 She was transferred to a psychiatric hospital two days after they had extracted the bullet. There, she wouldn’t be isolated but she would remain for life. They had deemed her “incurable”, so she was just left alone with her thoughts.

 As much as she tried, for several years after her demise, she never regained the ability to speak. However, people understood her all the same. She had no idea why and she had no need for an explanation. The voices, both the crazy ones and the beautiful one, disappeared from her life. So she was just a regular girl living in a place filled with the most criminally insane people in the world. And all because of what some voices had told her to do, controlling her mind and body.

 As she got older, the clinic used her as the patient that welcomed any new additions to the madhouse. It was then when she realized how it was possible that people understood her. And it was amazing no one had said anything, as if it was the most normal thing in the world. Maybe she was manipulating them too but realized that was too far fetched. Linda could only be in their heads, that was it.

Dolor de sueño

   Lo único que podía hacer era arquear la espalda, girar la nuca para un lado y para el otro y tratar de encontrar una nueva posición en la que dormir. Pero como todos sabemos, eso no es posible. Muy pocas personas son tan adaptables y yo simplemente nunca he sido una de esas personas. Intento acostarme boca arriba y lo único que hago es dejar los ojos abiertos y mirar al techo, así la oscuridad sea completa. Si duermo de lado, siento que estoy atrapando uno de mis brazos y siento como se va durmiendo lentamente. Ya me ha pasado antes que me duermo encima de uno y a la mañana siguiente me siento como una marioneta.

 Lo mío, sin lugar a dudas, es dormir boca abajo, con la cabeza girada, ocho veces sobre diez, hacia la derecha. No tengo ni idea de porqué es la única manera en que me quede dormido. Puede que cuando era un bebé tomé esa costumbre y ahora no la dejo por nada del mundo. No lo sé y la verdad puede llegar a ser bastante molesto.

 Comprar un nuevo colchón no era una opción pues la casa no era mía y simplemente no iba a gastar un dinero en algo tan personal para que después alguien lo usara más que yo. Nunca me ha gustado hacer caridades y menos aún cuando no tengo el poder adquisitivo, o mejor dicho el dinero, para hacer semejantes contribuciones. Así que simplemente trataba de encontrar mi mejor ángulo para dormir y listo.

 Una vez, recuerdo, estaba haciendo mis ejercicios de cuello y espalda en un tren, uno que iba considerablemente vacío, y varias personas se me quedaron mirando, como si jamás hubiesen visto a alguien con cuello. Eran tantas miradas y de manera tan penetrante que agradecí llegar a mi parada para no tener que sentir todos esos ojos encima mío. Se sintió extraño y ese día solo caminé a paso veloz a mi casa para hacer allí los ejercicios y hacer que mi espalda crujiera y aliviara mi dolor.

 Averiguando por ahí, encontré una masajista que decía ser la mejor en males relacionados con el sueño, así que concertamos una cita y fui a su consultorio. El resultado fue bastante pobre y estoy seguro que cualquier persona que yo conocía hubiese tenido más fuerza en las manos que esa pobre mujer. Lo único que me causó al final de la sesión fue dolor y no solo físico sino en la billetera al cobrarme un precio exorbitante por haberme hecho sentir más dolor. Por supuesto, jamás volvería a un masajista ya que soy de las personas que juzgan a un grupo por lo que hace uno de ellos.

 La acupuntura ayudó y resultó ser más relajante pero la verdad era que requería más fuerza, más insistencia, y resultados más rápidos. No podía estar yendo a cada rato para citas a ver que podíamos ir trabajando. Así que la opción era buena pero no lo suficiente.

 Cualquier amistad que viniese a mi casa tenía que soportar la extraña pregunta: “Te parece muy raro si te pido que te sientes en mi espalda?”. A muchos sí que les parecía raro y descartaban la pregunta como si fuera una de esas moscas gordas que entran en las habitaciones únicamente a molestar. Otros, los mejores amigos sin duda, aceptaban así no estuvieran muy seguros de que tenían que hacen o como tenían que hacerlo. Pero al fin y al cabo que no era ciencia nuclear sino sentarse en mi espalda.

 Es magnifico lo útil que era a veces. Sentir el peso de alguien sobre ti, es obviamente intimidante y da mucho miedo por la parte de quedarse sin aire, pero también es algo liberador. Es como si los males que te aquejan adquirieran una forma física que puedes quitarte de encima cuando quieras y que puedes sentir más fácilmente. Y lo normal es que sea más fácil para nosotros manejar lo que vemos y conocemos que lo que no tenemos ni idea cómo es.

 Pero al cabo de un tiempo tuve que dejar de hacerlo pues ya no tenía ningún efecto. Una amiga me aconsejó entonces que fuese a un doctor. Me sugirió que tal vez mi dolor de espalda provenía de una falta de vitaminas y minerales esenciales y que de pronto tomando algún tipo de medicamente podría mejorar estado de salud.

 Odio ir al médico pero a esas alturas estaba dispuesto a intentar lo que fuera. El doctor era uno que había encontrado casi al azar. El caso era que hiciese los exámenes pertinentes y encontrara una manera de quitarme la incomodidad de encima. Hablaba con esa voz y esa paciencia que bordea en lo molesto, esa que tienen muchos doctores como si con solo la voz ya estuvieran salvando al planeta de su destrucción. Me revisó superficialmente y al final me pidió una muestra de sangre.

 Los resultados se demoraron una semana en estar listos y estaba seguro  que era tiempo suficiente puesto que la cantidad de sangre que me habían sacado era suficiente para una buena cantidad de pruebas. Esperé en una sala de varias sillas y donde todo el mundo se veía como si estuviese a cinco segundos de su muerte. Siempre he pensado que los hospitales y centros de salud son deprimentes, pero esta gente de verdad que no se estaba ayudando. Era tan horrible estar ahí, que tuve que ponerme de pie y esperar admirando falsamente un afiche sobre enfermedades venéreas.

 Cuando por fin me hicieron pasar, seguí rápidamente al consultorio y me resultó especialmente curioso que el doctor no estuviese solo sino que estuviese acompañado de quién parecía otro doctor. Me iban a coger de conejillo de Indias o mi doctor era de esos que creo que cualquier momento es bueno para socializar, así haya elegido la carrera que más restringe cualquier construcción social en el mundo?

 Al rato me respondió que ese señor era un especialista del sueño que trabajaba cerca y que estaba interesado en mi caso. Por un segundo me dio risa pero después decidí mejor no reírme y únicamente sentarme al lado del doctor que no conocía.

La verdad fue que sentí como si hubiese viajado en el tiempo a la época en que iba a clase y no entendía ni jota de lo que me decían. Esto porque cuando los doctores hablaron, quedó en ceros completamente. Sé que me decían cifras y hablaban de algunas vitaminas pero también de compuestos que yo ni conocía pero también decían nombres raro y asentían entre sí como si fuera lo más obvio del mundo pero yo, con el pasar de cada segundo, entendía cada vez menos.

 No soy bueno en momentos así, cuando me siento con mayores desventajas que otros. Y la verdad es que con el tiempo he aprendido a no ser un idiota y a poner mi pie en el suelo y exigir que mi presencia sea reconocida. Así que lo que hice fue ponerme de pie de golpe y salir del consultorio. Fue tal cual, sin decir nada ni despedidas ni ninguna floritura social de esas que a la gente le fascina. Solo me fui.

 Al no ser una película, obviamente nadie salió corriendo detrás de mí. Además la cita estaba pagada por mi seguro entonces podía hacer un poco lo que se me diera la gana. En cuanto al tiempo del doctor ese, la verdad me da igual. Como gasta uno su tiempo es problema exclusivamente propio, así que cuando caminé esa fría mañana hacia un café y me senté a desayunar, no tenía la menor culpa.

 Sin embargo, el problema persistía. Como suele pasar, el cuerpo recuerda cosas de un momento a otro y de la manera más cruel: apenas me senté sentí como si la espalda se me fuese a romper ahí mismo. El dolor fue máximo y quise gritar pero no dije nada pues nunca me ha gustado llamar la atención. Entonces llegó el mesero y le pedí lo que quería. Se me quedó mirando raro pero se fue al instante.

 Cuando se movió de mi campo de visión, me di cuenta de algo que no había intentado en estos días para remediar mi dolor. Era una respuesta tan obvia, que me reprendí por no ser tan ágil como para haberlo pensado antes. Cogí el celular y empecé a escribir para arreglar todos los detalles. Como sabía, todo fue a mi favor y de la mejor manera posible. Cuando el mesero volvió con mi pedido, lo recibí con una sonrisa y un guiño. Puede que lo que iba a hacer no funcionara pero el ejercicio no me vendría mal después de todo.

The frozen forest

   Blood slowly dripped from the top of the tallest tree surrounding the clearing. It glistened again the moonlight and didn’t stop until it hit the frozen forest soil. Something had happened up there, something that no creature in the forest was willing to explain or understand. The blood on the tree froze and remained there forever, working as reminder to every single creature to be very careful on this part of the world.

 A long time after that, a woman dedicated to washing the clothes of others got lost in the forest. She had been washing sheets and dirty underwear in the cold water of the river but she had lost her way because of the snow, that had begun to fall very slowly, changing every single aspect of the forest in the process.

 Unknown to the woman, she was being watched by various creatures but not because they wanted her out of because they feared her. They just wanted her to leave forever and never return. They knew that the frozen trail of blood on the tallest tree was from human origin and that, in simple words, meant that humans were better off very far from the forest.

 However, the laundry lady had gotten lost. She was not a young woman, rather having a lot of experience in what she did, as she had been doing it for the past thirty years, at least. It had been her mother who taught her everything “ a woman should know”. And she learned everything because women could learn so little that it was better for her to get every piece of information available, instead of suffering for what wasn’t true.

 She had dreamed, long ago, to marry a handsome man and have beautiful children and leave the rest of her days as the best housewife in town. Her little corner of the world was so peaceful and small, that she never thought thinking what she thought was asking too much. After all, every other girl had exactly the same luck, with various results but at least they got to have a proper family.

 Her name was Irene, after her mother, and no one had ever asked her to marry. She knew she wasn’t the prettiest girl in town but she was one of few girls available. And, as uncommon as it was, there were more single men in town than single women. And even so, she remained a spinster for the rest of her life. As old as she was now, she knew she wasn’t going to have any chance of having the life she had always wanted. Instead, she found herself a nice little cottage and people came over to leave their dirty laundry for her to wash. It was a simple and sad life.

 When she got lost, she didn’t really got scared. Her life was so full of the same always, that a little bit of excitement wasn’t unwelcomed. Irene had a big bag on her back, carrying everything she had been washing and realized she needed to head back fast or frost will begin to form on the wet parts of the sheets and defrosting them would be even harder inside of her house. She used her chimney fire to dry the clothes and other items but if frost was involved, it would take much longer and the payment would also take longer to reach her.

 She walked and walked, first with no worry but as the sun began to fold, she accelerated her steps. Suddenly, Irene arrived to the clearing were the tall tree stood but because of the snow, she didn’t notice the frozen blood or the large amount of birds watching her from above. She stopped walking and started yelling “Hello!” to no avail. The truth was, and she had no way of knowing it, that she had walked farther and farther away from town instead of getting closer to it.

 No one ever reached the clearing, not even in the summer. It was a private place the forest revealed only in special occasions and, apparently, Irene was special enough to get there. But that, somehow, wasn’t a good thing. Snow was pilling up and the forest was slowly getting darker. The woman, now desperate, turned around and ran into the forest but it was too late. The trees had suddenly decided to be closer that they had been before, so walking between them was now very difficult. The lack of light made it hard for Irene to see that she was slowly making a circle.

 After a while, she got back into the clearing and it was then when she dropped her bag, fell to her knees and started to cry and to beg for help. She yelled and cried very loudly in order to be heard and she actually managed to do that but that person, a hunter returning home, confused her voice with the sounds in the wind. To put it simply, he thought he had been too long out in the woods and that he needed food and the warmth of his home and family.

 Irene stopped yelling, she also stopped punching the frozen soil, which made her hands hurt because it was like punching steel. She cried but it hurt too badly so she stopped fast. She looked around and realized that, despite being night, there was some kind of light illuminating the clearing. She looked everywhere for the source and realized someone was coming. She stood up fast, thinking help was on the way.

 But it wasn’t a helping hand. It was a figure wearing a cloak, revealing no human attributes except the shape. It didn’t seem to be walking like normal people did, instead floating around, as it happened to be some sort of ghost. Irene’s hope vanished and tried to get back to the forest but everything behind her was black, she couldn’t see trees or anything else. There appeared to be a very black wall there and she just couldn’t run anywhere. Anyway, her feet were unresponsive and once she tried to walk, she fell to the ground.

 The figure then stood in front of her and appeared to wait there. It was unclear what it was waiting for, if it needed Irene to speak first or if it was there for other matters and was completely ignoring the fact that Irene was there.

 Then, the creature started to transform. It grew a bit larger and Irene could see feet and hand emerge from the bright cloak that had been floating in front of her before. As the feet touched the ground, the hands pulled back the cloak’s hood and revealed the head of a woman. In appearance, it did look like a woman but she wasn’t like Irene. The laundry lady was older, had pale skin and blue eyes. She was taller than many women and her nose was bigger too.

 The figure, or rather, the woman beneath the cloak, was smaller even as it had grown larger, had bronze skin and big hazelnut eyes. Her skin seemed to be really soft and her ears and nose were very delicate. She looked patiently at Irene, and then spoke.

      - You are alone. – She said.

Irene started crying again, but this time she didn’t care about how much it hurt to do that in a frozen forest. Slowly, she nodded to accept the spirit’s statement. She then noticed the women that had appeared before her had some sort of drawing on her faces, very subtle and beautiful.

      - You don’t have to.

And she raised one hand and offered it to Irene. The villager had no idea what to do. Something, a voice in her head, told her to hold that hand. But her inner voice, the one that was actually hers, was afraid of what might happen. She was afraid that this apparition had something to do with death and, she had known this for a while, she wasn’t ready to die.

      - I’m not ready to die.

It escaped her lips as she had thought about it. Surprisingly, the spirit kept its hand stretched towards Irene and, suddenly, she smiled. And then Irene’s hand just decided, almost by itself, to grab the hand of the spirit. Then it was all engulfed in white light and the older woman thought her moment had finally come.

 But that wasn’t the case. Irene was again at the edge of the river and it was still day. The sheets were on the bag and she had to get going. She could see the smoke of a house and knew that was the way towards the town. As she walked to her home, she wondered about the spirit and asked herself if she had dreamt the whole thing. It was only when she got home and found a person knocking on her door, that she realized she hadn’t dreamt anything.

 The girl with hazelnut eyes, bronze skin and beautiful nose, was knocking on her door.

Monstruo / Demonio

   Hay demonios en mis sueños. Hay identidades dobles y personajes que dejan la piel para convertirse en otros. Seres duales que me horrorizan, y me hacen gritar, pero de mi garganta no sale nada sino solo aire. En mis sueños hay cuartos oscuros y lugares a los que ni siquiera yo puedo entrar. Parece que incluso mi subconsciente prefiere alejarme de ciertas cosas que podrían causarme tal shock, que no sería capaz de recuperarme nunca.

 Como entró todo eso en mi mente? O es que acaso lo he tenido siempre, lo he heredado o simplemente está en mi código genético? La naturaleza pudo implantarme esas sombras, esos lugares remotos en mi cerebro. Pero porqué? Para qué? No logro entender nada y eso me pone mal, me hace dar vueltas en la cama, me hace dudar y me hace hacer cosas que normalmente nunca haría.

 A veces el dolor parece ser la única vía de escape pero soy muy cobarde para llegar a esos extremos y eso que mi subconsciente hace un trabajo espectacular dándome la dosis nocturna diaria de dolor y confusión. Que significa todo esto, si es que significa algo? Yo a Freud no le creo ni el apellido pero si los seres humanos somos capaces de soñar, por algo será… no?

 A mi me gustaría soñar con cosas diferentes, con mundo más calmados y más felices. Me gustaría soñar que por fin logro tomar de la mano a esa persona que todavía no conozco, que todavía no sé como se llama ni que apariencia tiene. Eso sí, ahí mi subconsciente me hace un favor, porque es mejor para mi no inventarme ese rostro ni sus complejidades. Solo sentir su mano junto a la mía, entrelazadas por siempre. Solo eso quisiera soñar y no en demonios.

 Habrá sido una película que vi recientemente o tal vez algo que comí? No lo sé pero si llego a saber la respuesta alguna vez, empezaré a hacer exactamente lo contrario. Es horrible como la única imagen que tengo es la de ese ser doble separándose, dejando de lado su carne, su ser físico para pasar a ser otro. No sé porqué mi cuerpo no me despertó. Tal vez la idea era que viera más para comprender algo que de todas manera no he entendido. De pronto hay algún código, algún misterio que debo resolver para entenderme mejor.

 Y eso me asusta más que nada. Me da miedo ver que más puede haber allí, oculto entre los pliegues neuronales, entre todos los recuerdos que guardo con aprecio. Odio, detesto imaginar que en un mar de memorias perfectas y alegres, descansen también las oscuridades más profundas de mi ser, las más impactantes y también las más indeseables. Creo que si las descubro, no podré más conmigo mismo.

 Me he dado asco antes pero esto podría ponerse peor. Si fumara, estaría fumando como loco y si me drogara, me metería algo que contrarrestara el efecto nocivo de estos sueños desquiciados. Aunque me cuidaría porque dicen que el alcohol y las drogas pueden hacer que todo se vea aún peor, aún más grande y amenazador y eso, seguramente, sería simplemente demasiado para mi.

 Lo mejor, creo yo, es salir a dar un paseo entre el viento frío, forzar por medios físicos la desaparición del recuerdo, a menos de forma consciente. Mientras camino y escucho mis pasos, porque no se oye ni se ve nadie más, voy pensando cuidadosamente en todas esas personas que me han hecho feliz y en esos momentos en los que he sonreído con sinceridad y he disfrutado de la vida sin limites de ninguna clase.

 Recuero varios momentos familiares como viajes y comidas y simples tarde con mi madre. Recuerdo las mascotas y el sabor de la comida así como las risas y los timbres de voz de cada uno. Me siento mejor pero al mismo me siento morir pues recordarlos así me hace imaginar que no estoy muy lejos de los últimos momentos de mi vida. Al fin y al cabo, no es algo imposible. Pero sería muy triste un final así, en una calle fría y gris en un país indiferente.

 Sigo caminando y recuerdo el placer. Desde el placer de ver una película favorita o de leer una historia que me llena el alma hasta el placer básico de la experiencia sexual. Los recuerdos son fáciles de reunir y los voy analizando uno a uno. Recuerdo entonces esos personajes, tan bien construidos que parecen reales, tan cercanos que parecen amigos perdidos. El olor de los libros viejos y el calor que emana de una película buena cuando la estas viendo.

 Y desde allí siento el recuerdo del sexo, del olor y del sabor y de todos los demás sentidos cuando están tan alerta de todo. Recuerdo el primer beso y los subsiguientes. Recuerdo los errores y también los aciertos y los momentos en que parecí ser otra persona al estar poseído por Eros y sus demás camaradas. Recuerdo habitaciones, la distribución de los objetos y el nivel de la luz. Es increíble como al esforzarme, puedo recordar tantas cosas, incluso la pasión de alguien que ya no tengo al lado.

 Es entonces que abro lo ojos y me doy cuenta que caminé más de la cuenta y que ahora ya no sé donde estoy. Es un barrio que se ve como todos pero simplemente no lo reconozco. Están los mismos edificios, copias de copias, y las tiendas  y todo lo demás pero no hay nadie y entonces me doy cuenta. Caigo al suelo y grito con todas las fuerza, golpeando el pavimento.

 Me despierto de golpe y maldigo a todos los dioses, no me importa que religión representen o que es o que se supone que cuidan. Los maldigo a todos y los condeno a revolcarse en sus estúpidas ideas y concepciones del mundo. Es por culpa de ellos que tengo esos laberintos en mi mente, es por su culpa que mi felicidad no puede estar completa pues mis mejores recuerdos ya están manchados por esa sombra que lo cubre todo y que es esa ciudad solitaria y ese hombre que se parte en dos.

 No… Lo veo de nuevo y mi estomago se remueve. Esta vez estoy muy despierto, porque siento la cabeza darme vuelta y las tripas queriéndose salir por donde puedan. Me echó en la cama y trato de respirar lentamente. Trato de no pensar en nada pero no lo logro. Ahora sí que necesito esa mano, ahora si que lo necesito a él pero a veces parece que jamás estará aquí cuando lo necesite.

 Así que arrugo las sabanas cogiéndolas con fuerza y respirando lentamente, con los ojos cerrados. No quiero dormir más pero si abro los ojos sentiré que arden y veré todo de nuevo como si estuviese de nuevo en el sueño y no quiero hacerlo. Sin embargo, y después de varios minutos de lucha, mi cuerpo se rinde, porque no es fuerte y no tiene como pelear.

 Sin embargo, y para mi sorpresa, duermo algunas horas y cuando me despierto me doy cuenta que no he tenido un solo sueño, que no he sudado luchando contra seres que no están, que no me duele la garganta de gritar sin sonido alguno. Me doy cuenta que estoy bien, aunque tengo algo de frío. Me pongo una chaqueta y esta vez sí salgo al mundo real y lo primero que hago, antes que nada, es ir a comer.

 El sabor es mucho más rico ahora, es como si todo lo estuviera probando por primera vez y eso que no es alta cocina sino una simple hamburguesa con papas fritas y refresco. Pero todo sabe como si fuera lo mejor del mundo y es una buena comida porque no solo me llena el estomago, que ha dejado de gruñir, sino que también me llena el alma y me deja contento, sonriendo incluso.

 Algunas personas me miran como si estuviese loco y la verdad es que no me importa. Me importa un bledo lo que piensen los que me miran. Solo yo sé que ahora me siento capaz de todo, me siento capaz de dejar la oscuridad atrás y de seguir adelante con mi vida, que podrá no ser emocionante o entretenida, ni siquiera estable, pero eso no importa. Es mía y es lo que tengo y me gusta tenerlo. Después de comer marcho de vuelta a casa y me prometo a mi mismo que no puedo dejar que lo que no conozco me gane siempre.

 Pero entonces, cuando lo analizo todo, me doy cuenta que todo eso todavía está allí y que en algún momento volverá. Porque, al fin y al cabo, hace parte de mi. No tengo un monstruo adentro sino que soy ese monstruo, soy ese demonio que e despierta cada mucho tiempo para recordarme que está ahí y que no planea irse a ninguna parte.