Mostrando las entradas con la etiqueta doctor. Mostrar todas las entradas
Mostrando las entradas con la etiqueta doctor. Mostrar todas las entradas

viernes, 23 de febrero de 2018


   Waking up had never been that difficult. My eyelids felt heavy and sticky. In the glimpses I had been able to witness, I couldn’t really see anything. Besides, they happened every so often, when my body would come back from the induced state the doctors had put me on. I remember opening my eyes wide, right in the middle of the main surgery. After that, I opened them slightly and wasn’t able to see a thing because it was blurry and pitch black. I remember the scent of disinfectant, though.

 I did not now how long I stayed in there; it felt like days, maybe weeks. The day I was finally able to properly open my eyes, I was surprised to find myself in a large hospital bed. Of course, I knew all along I had been in a hospital but there was no way I or my insurance could afford to have such a nice room. I turned on my chest and looked to the other side of the room, finding a very large window overlooking… Well, nothing. I was apparently in a very tall building because I could only see clouds.

 It rained soon after; at about the same time a nurse came in and checked my pulse and other vital signs. She asked if I was able to sit, so I tried to rise myself and sit on my behind, like people do. But I couldn’t. I felt a jolt of pain electrifying my body. She helped me back to the position I had been before and said she was going to get a doctor and some painkillers. The only one I wanted to see was the medication. I had never been a fan of doctors, especially when they tend to ask too many questions.

 Sure enough, a rather large man with a white robe entered the room minutes later and started firing questions. At first, I tried to keep up with him but eventually I stopped answering because he wanted very specific responses that I wasn’t able to answer properly. Besides, he seemed angry somehow, almost yelling at me for not knowing what he was asking.  He hurt me a bit when he grabbed my arm to check my blood pressure and then another jolt ran through my body when he checked my backside.

 That second instant of pain was enough. I don’t even know how, but I turned around and jumped out of bed, away from him. It hurt, but I didn’t care. I reached the doorway and there I faced him and demanded him to go out of my room. He seemed sort of amused by my demand but I insisted, as some tears started to run down my face. Not only that, something had happened and I was bleeding on the floor, heavily. The nurse ran out to get help and the doctor did the same, not before looking at me as if I was a monster. I wanted to die right then and there.

 A group of nurses took care of me. They seemed kind and did a wonderful job at patching me up again. Apparently, one of the stitches had come loose after I walked out of bed. So they had to fix it, giving me more painkillers and even a special medicine to sleep all night. They had intended for me to have something to eat but I seemed far too tired to do that, so they decided to leave that for another moment. I remember sleeping like a baby, having no dreams or pain. Only a great moment of peace.

 I woke up the next morning to a face I had never seen before. It was a woman, older than the other nurses, wearing a nice knitted sweater and matching skirt. She seemed kind, at least if her smile was to be believed. She excused herself for being there but told me she had wanted to talk to me for a while and she had decided it was best if she just waited for me to wake up. I felt a little bit weird at the moment, but the arrival of one of the nurses made the room feel a little bit cozier.

 After a brief check on my status, the nurse left not before telling me she would bring me some food in a moment. I smiled at her because, obviously, I hadn’t eaten a single piece of food for days or even weeks, only having a liquid pumped into my veins. When I thought of food, I pictured chocolate cake and a good big piece of red meat and a cup of tea with lots of cookies and even a big bowl of vanilla ice cream.  Then, I remembered I was in a hospital and realized they weren’t known for great food.

 I was left alone with the woman in the sofa. She stood up when the nurse left and asked me how I was feeling. I did not know how to answer the question and she seemed to notice that because she then asked what my favorite movie was. Instantly, I was able to tell her I had many favorites and would never be able to choose only one. She laughed and told me she loved romantic dramas but also science fiction films with a lot of gore. She knew it was a curious mix, but it worked for her.

 That silly question got us talking for a whole hour, even after the nurse came back with my food tray. As I had imagined, the food was very bland and not especially appealing but it was something and I ate it all within minutes. The woman, who happened to be a psychiatrist for the hospital, was a very funny person and I have to say I felt safe with her Besides, she seemed intelligent enough not to drill me about what had happened. Obviously, it was her job to know about it and ask me how I was after that ordeal, but she knew exactly how to manage the whole situation.

 She came back every day for a week, as I slowly got better. She was just outside the room when another doctor, a kinder one, came in and removed the stitches. It hurt a little but I never felt a jolt of pain again. The man told me that it was all coming up very well and that I could be out of the hospital in a week or even less. That reminded me to ask who was paying for the whole thing but the doctor pretended not to listen to what I said and instead made me remember I had to rest properly.

 I asked the psychiatrist too but she authentically did not know who was paying for everything. We had talked about how I had left my home years ago and how I wasn’t in touch with my parents or any of my relatives. Besides, I told her how they had rejected me when I was outed in school and hypothesized that they wouldn’t even look at me if they knew what my life had come to. She asked if I missed them and I confessed sometimes I did. But most times, they weren’t even in my mind.

 Two days before my release, a nurse and the psychiatrist joined me for a walk around the hospital. They told me I was going to need a lot of physical therapy to be able to walk normally but that it was almost a given that I would be able to do so in a few months. Of course, the therapy had already been paid but, again, no one seemed aware of who was paying for all of it. And to be honest, I had grown tired of asking. Maybe after it was all in the past, I would be able to properly investigate the whole thing.

 The day I was released from the hospital, all the nurses that took care of me came to say goodbye. I cried and they cried too. We had become closer and I felt them as sisters or aunts. My psychiatrist came too, telling me she would be there if I ever wanted to have a word or if I needed something. She even gave me her personal phone number. I thanked them all and went back home, to a small and dirty little apartment in a crappy neighborhood and the reality of having no prospects in life.

 The very next day, I got a letter. A written one. Of course, that was highly unusual. The moment I read it, I felt weak and wanted to run away but I didn’t know where. Suddenly, I felt in an open field where I was an easy prey for anyone to take advantage of.

 Then, I remembered my psychiatrist’s number. I asked her to meet me and she gave me her address. I arrived there within the hour, crying and in a state I hadn’t been in days. I explained to her the contents of the letter: the revelation of the person that had paid for my hospital expenses. It was him.

viernes, 1 de diciembre de 2017

His scent

   I loved to be the one hugging him, tightly, beneath the covers when it was raining outside or above them, naked, during the summer. Waking up was always one of the best parts of my day because I would notice his scent so very close to me. It didn’t matter how much we had moved during our sleep, it was always a please to feel him close to me. And I think, even if I would never dare to speak on his behalf, that he thought exactly the same thing. I think he loved me back, maybe even more.

 During the week, we would wake up at the same, even if the other had nothing to do that day. Sometimes it was me who kissed him before leaving for work, some other days it was me staying there, organizing my space and feeding the dog we had adopted together. Its name was Bumper, because he loved to bump into everything. Maybe the thing was that our dog was not very brilliant but we loved to imagine he had some traits of both of us. Maybe he was clumsy like me and distracted like him.

 Our favorite days, or at least mine, were Saturdays and Sundays. We would wake up earlier and I would make love to him for the longest time. I loved to explore his body slowly, even to the point that I would turn off my cellphone in order not to be interrupted from that beautiful task. I got to know every single centimeter of his body and I was proud to know every single corner of him. After a mutual orgasm, we would stay silent and then talk about our lives, fun little snippets every day.

 That’s how I think I know him. I think feeling his heart while sleeping, his breathing while we made love and his warmth when we kissed goodbye, it all made me understand him and really know who he was and what he wanted out of life. It didn’t take a long time for us to hold hands in public after we had decided to properly date each other. Same happened with our “sudden” decision to live together. We just knew we had to, it was meant to be and only we could understand the feeling.

 So, it’s pretty understandable that the worst day of my life was the one when a policeman, a man with a stupid face, came to our home and told me they had found him, the love of my life, dead on the street. It happened one night, when he was coming from work during one of those horrible thunderstorms that are becoming more and more common in these parts. According to the policeman, he had been assaulted by a group of men. They had taken his money, his belongings and had then proceeded to kick him and punch him until one of them decided to pull out a gun.

 My first question was simple: “Where is he?” The idiot policeman repeated that he was dead and I didn’t ask again. He offered to take me to the police station, so I grabbed a jacket and went along. It was so very late; I was already in my pajamas. It was very awkward, but I started crying in the police car, en route to my lover. I couldn’t stop crying for a second, only when I had to step out of the car in order to enter the police station. He never asked me if I was fine or needed something.

 The doctor running the morgue was a woman and I was thankful for that. She seemed to care for every single one of those corpses, of those dead people that for some reason were there, lying on their back inside a gigantic freezer. I started shaking the moment I entered the room and I lost any attempt to seem calm when she unveiled his body to me. He was naked, of course, and very white and blue. It’s a silly thing, but the first thing I thought was the fact that he hated both those colors.

 I took one of his hands and caressed it; I kissed his cheek and his forehead and held on to him. I could hear the dumbass policeman asking me if that was my “partner” but I didn’t care at all. I wanted to stay there forever, whit him, even if I had to die too. The doctor was very silent and it was obvious she would have preferred for me not to touch her patient but I couldn’t stop holding on to him. If I had let go, he would have died forever and I just couldn’t afford that to happen.

 However, all the crying and the memories and the deep pain got to me. I had been waiting for him to come with food, so my stomach was empty. The doctor, hours later, told me that could have been one of the reasons for me to faint right there on the morgue. They carried me to the police station’s infirmary and gave me some ramen soup, the kind you can make in the microwave. I ate that hot cup in silence, still crying. A massive headache began to brew.

 His family came in some hours later, after I had signed every single paper that had to be signed. Between those, I had to ask a friend to go to my house and bring me our marriage certificate, which only a few people knew about. It was hard for me to tell his family that we had been married for a couple of months and that it had been his decision not to tell them because he wanted it all to be a big reveal. He was planning it all as if it was the marriage of two famous people. And know, it had been me telling them all of it, with his cold body not too far away.

 They were shocked to hear it all, of course, but I honestly think I was the most affected by the tragedy. I kissed him several times once more, before I had to leave in order to go home. They promised they would arrange it all for his body to be prepared for whatever I would decide to do. I took the doctor to the side, and told her we had talked about being cremated together in a huge pyre, holding hands. She gave me a nice smile and told me to get back to her the next day.

 Sure enough, they sent his body to a cemetery where he would be cremated and given to me. I called his family to tell them all about it and they didn’t say much about it all. They seemed to be still in quite a shock. They did show up to the place and we even held each other for a moment, in silence. We saw his coffin, a very modest one; enter the oven and the metal door close afterwards. Tears rolled down my face but I didn’t cried loudly like before, I was under too much pain to do that again.

 They gave me his ashes and the doctor was there to pay her respects. I hugged her tight and cried some more. She offered to take me home and I accepted. His family didn’t say another word to me, even when I saw them looking at the urn with his ashes when they were handed to me. I wanted to make peace; I wanted them to understand what we had together. But it was too little too late, so I just went home with the doctor. She kindly stayed for a while but I have to say it was better when she left.

 That’s because I spoke to him for a while, as frankly as we had always been when he was alive. I told him he was the best thing to ever happen in my life and that I was proud that I got to meet such a wonderful person in such a shitty world. I thanked him for being my lover and husband, for making me enjoy life and people even more and for always been there for me. I hoped him the best for his afterlife, if there was one. If there wasn’t, I wanted him to know I would always be his.

 Another storm was brewing when I opened my bedroom window. The wind was beginning to howl. One strong current was enough to take the love of my life away from me. I saw him float away and then disappeared into the dark clouds floating not so far away.

 I left the urn right there and then dropped on the bed. His smell was still there. I closed my eyes to feel him one more time and it did work. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever felt. However, when I opened my eyes everything was real and raw. He wasn’t there anymore.

miércoles, 10 de mayo de 2017

Rutina semanal

   Como todos los días que iba a la panadería, la señora Ruiz compraba pan francés, una caja llena de panes surtidos y un pastelillo relleno de crema para acompañar el café de las tarde. Como siempre, iba después del almuerzo, muy a las dos de la tarde. Le gustaba esa hora porque podía ver a las personas volviendo a sus puestos de trabajo. A veces compraba algo extra para comerlo sentada en alguna de las bancas del sendero peatonal que tenía que atravesar para llegar a casa.

 Cuando lo hacía, era porque el día era muy bello o porque en verdad quería ver a la gente pasar. Algunos parecían tener problemas serios, iban con la cabeza agachada y la espalda visiblemente tensionada. Otros iban de un lado a otro con una gran sonrisa en la cara, incluso reían. Siempre que veía a alguien así, se le pegaba la risa o se daba cuenta que estaba sonriendo sin razón aparente. Veía gente joven y gente mayor, mujer y hombres, empleados y dueños de empresas. Para ella era apasionante.

 Pero la mayoría de veces, prefería regresar pronto a su casa, en especial porque el clima no dejaba que se quedara mucho tiempo caminando por ahí. Los peores días eran sin duda aquellos en los que ni siquiera podía salir por culpa de la lluvia. Quedarse sentada en casa, viendo la televisión o en la sala tratando de leer mientras las lluvias golpeaban el vidrio de la ventana, no era su manera favorita de pasar un pedazo de la tarde. Ya se había acostumbrado a ver la cara de la gente e imaginar sus vidas.

 Tanto así, que mantenía un pequeño diario y anotaba algunas líneas todos los días. Esta era su tarea justo antes de preparar el café y comerse su pastelillo de crema. Todo su día estaba completamente ordenado, desde las siete de la mañana que se despertaba, hasta las once de la noche, hora en la que normalmente estaba en cama para dormir. Su rutina diaria estaba perfectamente definida. Algunas personas le decían que eso podía ser muy aburridor pero para ella era perfecto.

 La señora Ruiz era viuda y no tenía a nadie con quién compartir sus cosas, ni dentro de la casa ni fuera de ella. Su marido había muerto hacía menos de diez años de un ataque al corazón, cuando todavía era bastante joven, o al menos lo suficiente para estar disfrutando su pensión. Toda la vida había trabajado, desde muy joven, y durante un largo tiempo había buscado la jubilación para poder disfrutar de la vida. Sin embargo, fue meses después de dejar de trabajar cuando el ataque se lo llevó y condenó a la señora Ruiz a estar solo por una buena parte de su vida.

  Había hijos, un hija y una hoja para ser más exactos. Sin embargo, poco la visitaban. A ellos se les había vuelto rutina llamar una vez por semana y creían que con eso cumplían la obligación de estar en contacto con su madre. Solo venían físicamente cuando ella cumplía años o cuando necesitaban algo de dinero, pues su marido le había confiado todos sus ahorros y ella recibía el cheque de la pensión sin falta. Era gracias a ese dinero que podía vivir bien a pesar de no tener a nadie.

 También venía o, mejor dicho, se la llevaban los días de fiesta como Navidad y todo eso pero para ella era siempre un momento muy estresante porque pasaba de no ver a nadie a ver montones de personas, muchas veces gente que ni conocía. Le gustaba pero su cuerpo se cansaba rápidamente y no podía quedarse con los más jóvenes por mucho tiempo. Incluso jugar con sus nietos era un reto para ella y eso que le encantaba hacerlo porque se sentía muy a gusto con ellos.

 Pero eso casi nunca pasaba. Por esos sus salidas después de comer. A veces también salía por las mañanas pero eso solo cuando tenía alguna cita médica o cosas de ese estilo. Odiaba confesarlo pero le encantaba tener esa cita una vez al mes pues el doctor era muy amable con ella y muy guapo también. Era casi como un cita para ella. Además veía otra gente en el hospital y se distraía por algún tiempo más en la semana. Era triste estar feliz en un hospital pero le pasaba seguido.

 De resto, en casa solo tenía montones de libros y la televisión. En cuanto a los primeros, había leído ya un gran número. Su esposo había sido un ávido lector y había comprado muchos títulos a lo largo de los años. Había cuanto genero se pudiera uno imaginar, así como libros gordos y libros muy delgados. Había libros de arte llenos de imágenes y otros de letra pequeña y casi sin espacios para descansar la vista. Lentamente, todos ellos se habían vuelto parte de su rutina diaria.

 En cuanto a la televisión, no era algo que ella adorara. La gente piensa que a todos los adultos mayores les encanta ver la tele pero la señora Ruiz era la prueba de que eso no era cierto. Solo veía algunos programas y lo hacía de noche, cuando necesitaba estar cansada. Porque eso era lo que le provocaba la televisión: un cansancio completo con el volumen que tenía y las imágenes rápidas. Solo veía o trataba de ver una telenovela. Lo peor era cuando se terminaba una y comenzaba la otra, pues a veces se perdía con frecuencia en la trama.

 Los fines de semana eran tal vez sus días favoritos. El domingo era más calmado pero desde hacía años había decidido que el sábado sería su día de hacer lo que ella quisiera. Es decir, que lanzaría su rutina por la ventana, por un día, y haría solamente lo que se le ocurriera. Esto podía resultar en días muy distintos de una semana a otra y eso era precisamente lo que ella estaba buscando, algo de emoción y cambio en su vida, que era sin duda monótona y cansina.

 Muchas veces optaba por ir al cine. No iba siempre a la misma hora y después siempre comía algo en la enorme plaza de comidas del centro comercial que le quedaba más cercano a casa. Como podía caminar hasta allí, era perfecto para cuando quería distraerse con cualquier cosa. Las películas que elegía eran siempre diferentes y cada vez que lo hacía pedía el consejo de una joven cajera que conocía de siempre. La joven le explicaba que nuevas películas habían llegado y de que se trataban.

 Cuando era joven, a la señora Ruiz no le había interesado mucho ni el cine ni muchos de sus géneros como el terror o la ciencia ficción. Pero ahora que era mayor, le encantaba ver películas muy diferentes las unas de las otras. Un sábado era alienígenas asesinos, el siguiente una pareja enamorada en alguna ciudad europea y al siguiente una película llena de explosiones y artes marciales. Ninguna recibía su descontento, muy al contrario. Todas la hacían muy feliz.

 A veces, si todavía tenía energía después de la película y de comer, se ponía a pasear por el centro comercial. Recorría cada pasillo, sin importar si estuviera lleno de gente o más bien vacío. Le gustaba hacerlo pues así llegaba rendida a casa y dormía mucho mejor de lo normal. Le gustaba estar cansada para sentir que había tenido un día igual de agitado que los demás. Sentía a veces que nada había cambiado y, aunque eso obviamente no era cierto, la ilusión la hacía sentir plena.

 Los domingos los tenía reservados en su rutina semanal. Esos días siempre se vestía con sus mejores vestidos y se arreglaba como si fuera a ir a una fiesta. Pero esa no era la razón. Contrataba un servicio especial que la llevaba a su destino y las esperaba lo suficiente.

  Iba siempre con flores y se sentaba al lado la tumba de su marido por horas y horas, a veces solo la levantaba la lluvia o el frío de la noche que llegaba. Durante ese tiempo, hablaban largo y tendido, o esa era la idea. Los domingos eran solo para él.

martes, 3 de enero de 2017

Oídos sordos

   No se oye nada. De pronto es idea mía o de pronto sí es algo real. Creo que me estoy quedando sordo.

 No me muevo de la cama. Por alguna razón estoy acostado sobre mi lado izquierdo. Jamás duermo de lado sino sobre mi abdomen, mi pecho, o como sea que quieran llamarle. El caso es que no duermo así, entonces es raro. Me quedo quieto, mirando la pared blanca frente a mi.

 Mis ojos se abren bastante, por primera vez en el día. No veo nada más sino el muro blanco. No hay ni una mancha, no hay nada allí más que la inmensidad de la pintura blanca. Entonces siento el calor y me quito la sabana de encima. Es entonces que me duele y me doy cuenta de dos cosas: hay algo sobre mi cara y, en efecto, no puedo oír nada.

 No me pongo de pie sino que me quedo en la cama, abriendo y cerrando los ojos. Mi mano derecha sube lentamente a mi cara. Me toco el mentón y voy deslizando los dedos por la piel en dirección a mi oído, donde siento la mayor molestia. Debajo del pelo que forma la patilla, siento que la piel está inflamada, muy inflamada. Recuerdo que el día anterior me dolía el oído pero era un dolor que iba y venía, ahora es permanente.

 Está muy hinchado y me empieza a doler, como que todo mi cuerpo se da cuenta que estoy de verdad despierto y que el dolor tiene espacio para empezar a sentirse. Me recorre el cuerpo un escalofrío, que incluso me hace doler el pie y me hace sentir muy extraño. 

 Tomo impulso y me pongo de pie y camino, casi automáticamente, al baño. No es mi casa de siempre, solo me estoy quedando por un tiempo. Pero llego, prendo la luz y trato de mirarme pero es dificil verse los oídos. Me toco de nuevo y me echo agua, pensando que puede que el frío ayude. ¿O será mejor el calor?

 No, lo mejor es salir. Media hora después estoy en la sala de espera de un hospital, el único del que sé la existencia en esta ciudad que no es la mía. Me llaman y me hacen esperar aún más en una pequeña sala donde otras personas se quejan o hacen cara de enfermedad. Parece que todos están malos del estómago o algo por el estilo. No es raro en una ciudad de clima cálido, a la que vienen muchos turistas y comen y se meten en cualquier lado sin observar los mínimos niveles de limpieza.

 Mientras espero me miro los pies. Siento un poco de mareo o de pronto sea yo mismo que me hago sentir peor. Es raro pero así son las cosas en los hospitales. Son sitios horribles y terribles, llenos de quejidos de niños y caras largas de padres cuyas vacaciones han sido arruinadas pero nada pueden decir o sino sonaría muy cruel.

 Tras varios minutos, o tal vez menos o tal vez más, me hace pasar una joven doctora. Se demora más escribiendo en el computador que revisándome como se debe. Prefiero pensar que sabe lo que hace. No hablamos casi, solo me hace unas preguntas básicas y le explico mi dolor y cómo me he sentido en los últimos días. Al parecer no nota nada especial en lo que le cuento porque parece no estar muy interesada. O tal vez sea su cara de "Sí, ya sé de que me habla".

 Llena un papel, me dice que pague la consulta y en la farmacia de la esquina compro lo que me recomienda la doctora. Apenas llego al apartamento me tomo las pastillas con agua y me acuesto de nuevo. Siento hambre pero prefiero no comer nada. Me quedo mirando la pared, con mis pensamientos perdidos en la nada.

 - "Maldita sea..." - pienso. "¡Que bonito comienzo del año!"

Por un momento olvido el dolor y me doy la vuelta. Mala decisión.