Below

   The walk couldn’t be too long. They were allowed to reach a big boulder on the top of the hill and then go back almost instantly. There was no way to really enjoy the moment, although no one got out for a walk to enjoy themselves. They did it because it was necessary to walk, to train for longer walks in the future. The funny thing was that the distance had not change in a year so they couldn’t really know if they were able to do more in the suits or not.

 Helena arrived at the Boulder and looked up, to the sun. The veil that covered the sky was especially thick that day, blocking most of the sunlight from arriving to the ground. The sun appeared to be cold, as if it didn’t care of what had happened. And he certainly didn’t because everything that had happened had nothing to do with the sun but with the planet and its inhabitants. They had always been a real danger but no one ever thought something might actually happen.

 The alarm begun. She had enough oxygen to go back to the Hut and couldn’t waist more time looking at the sun or at the reddish sky. She wanted the oxygen tank to be bigger, she had asked that several times. But they couldn’t do it. They had no materials and also no interest in letting anyone wander to far off. The truth was that the government of the Hut was not interested at all in reconquering the surface, only in surviving for a hundred years or more.

 When she stepped into the entrance and the airlock decontaminated the chamber, she felt sad. The world outside was no different than in the books and the images she had on her computer. Yet, there was death and desolation all over the place. As a team of people cleaned her outfit with a variety of chemicals, she wondered if the human race could ever be what it once was.

 As she removed the suit in the next room, Frank came to talk to her. He was the person that controlled every walk outside and had some questions, the same questions they always asked people. It was some kind of an obligatory test for every single person that asked to have a walk. There weren’t many who did, not all wanted to go back and see what their house was like now or what the world looked like. Some had actually moved on.

 She answered the same as always: there was no plant life, no animal life, the concentration of particles had not changed and the deterioration of the different materials was advancing as scheduled. She was obliged to take pictures but this time she hadn’t taken any. She told the man it was because her earlier walk had only been a week ago and nothing had change out there in such a short time.

 Frank wasn’t happy about the pictures. He wasn’t really the boss and he knew someone else would get all over him because of that. But he didn’t insisted. Helena was one of the few people that dared to go outside and walk around, they needed her more that she needed them or at least that was the way he saw it. So he wrote in his report that the camera inside the suit was damaged and that they hadn’t realized before she had stepped out. That way, the questions would be less.

 Helena thanked him and, walking slowly, she went directly to the food court. According to her mother, that wasn’t the term they should use but it was the one promoted by the government. They wanted people to feel they were in a safe and fun environment, even if it was below ground. And “food court” was one of those terms that reminisced something good, or so it seemed, from a long time ago. Everyone ate there although they didn’t have many options, only one.

 As always, the young woman did the line and the cashier scanned the code on her wrist to check that she hadn’t eaten earlier. She received her tray and some minutes later she had hot food and was looking for a place to sit down. Luckily, her friend Patricia was finishing her meal so she sat down with her. Patricia was alone, as it happened very often. Many people thought she was obsessed with the outside.

 During the following twenty minutes, Helena discussed with her friend every single thing she had seen outside. Of course, it was nothing new for the scientific team but it was new to Patricia, who was not allowed to go outside on mental health grounds. She had always wanted to do it but from the first time she asked for permission, it was denied. And after many times trying to apply, they finally told her why they wouldn’t let her out.

 She loved to hear every detail about the outside and Helena knew how much her friend like her tales so she tried to make as entertaining as she could. The tale ended when she arrived at the boulder and looked at the sun. Patricia was smiling and her eyes were full of water. She told Helena she was very lucky to have seen that because the world, as she knew, was very beautiful.

 Helena did not really know if the world was beautiful. In theory, it was. The millions of pictures available to them seemed to tell the story of a bright world were people were happy and lived very complete lives. Yet, those same people had been the ones to destroy it, her parents for example. So she always had problems processing that. Besides, the world outside was dead and no sign of that beauty remained.

 After lunch, both women went through the Market. It was a large and long corridor filled with different stores. Each one of them sold something different, so there was no competition. And the amount of things each store sold was very limited. Yet, most people loved to stroll around to check if they had pulled out something new from their vaults or something. People still had hope that things would change suddenly, even if they hadn’t changed at all for so long.

 But that day, the fifth store on the left was filled with people in front of it trying to look for something the vendor had put in display. It was the store that sold paintings and pictures and such things. Most of the things the man there sold were made by him or his family. But the little image in the transparent urn he had put on display was something another walker, the people that go outside, had found in a recent walk.

 When they were able to get closer, Helena and Patricia realized the image was very small. It was a black and white photography, probably a very old one. It pictured three baby boys, or so it seemed. One of the babies was crying, while the other two held hands and were apparently playing with some cubes with letters. The most intriguing part of the image was a shadow behind the crying baby. It seemed to be the arms of an adult, or maybe the legs.

 They could only see the picture for a while before those who had just arrived pushed them aside to have a look. They talked about the picture all the way to the dormitories, wondering if the shadow behind the babies was really another person or maybe even an animal. It was a very weird picture too: who would take a photo of a crying baby instead of taking a look at what he needed.

 Patricia concluded that it might have been a fake. Maybe the vendor had taken the picture and he said they had found it outside. That was very hard to do, thought Helena, but not impossible. They separated in a corridor, as Helena lived further ahead and Patricia lived one floor below. They committed to see each other the next day and then parted ways. Not a minute had passed when Helena fell to the ground.

 A very large, very powerful earthquake was shaking every single part of the complex. It had been built for that but that didn’t mean people wouldn’t get scared. It was the first one in a long while. Helena could hear screaming behind the doors, where people lived. When it stopped, she stood up fast and ran towards her home. But she never made it there. A general alarm was issued: the compound had been breached.

 No one knew what that meant. Was it toxic gas or something like that? What did they mean with “breach”? Helena wasn’t sure she wanted to find out but, instead of going to check on her mother, she decided to turn around towards the laboratory. She had to know what was going on.

Las pequeñas cosas

   La gente no sabe nada. La gente no tiene idea de lo que significa algo para alguien más, de lo que algo insignificante puede simbolizar para alguien que no tiene tantas cosas alrededor. Puede que sea cierto el hecho de que, en el mundo de hoy, se le ponga atención a un montón de cosas que la verdad no tienen nada de importancia. Pero así son los cambios, así son las nuevas olas que vienen a reordenar todo lo que no estaba bien ordenado. Porque las cosas que son estables y que tienen sentido no tienen porqué cambiar con el tiempo. Eso es evidente.

 No sé de qué estoy hablando y al mismo tiempo siento algo de rabia. Me siento un poco susceptible, tal vez por el virus que tengo en el cuerpo. O tal vez sea porque estoy solo y me siento solo y todo me hace sentirme cada vez peor. Siento que me atacan de un lado y de otro, siento que no quieren dejarme un piso sobre el cual caminar y es entonces que me pregunto: ¿que fue lo que hice?

 Sinceramente no sé que hice, a quien, como o cuando. No tengo la más remota idea si es eso o es que tengo complejo de persecución y en verdad no ha pasado nada como eso. Tal vez soy solo yo que creo que todos vienen por mi pero tal vez la realidad de las cosas es más evidente y recurrente de lo que pienso en primera instancia. Tal vez no se trata de nadie más sino de mi. Es decir, estas cosas pequeñas que me afectan tanto puede que sean mi culpa, incluida el virus que tengo.

 Ya me está doliendo la cabeza de nuevo, un poco detrás de los ojos. Me duele al tragar y también me duele el cuerpo, los pies y todo lo demás. Sin embargo cocino y hago ejercicio, trato de no encerrarme y hacer nada pero creo que podría ser una buena opción si las cosas siguen como están. Esas cosas pequeñas, eso que va pasando poco a poco, va rompiendo lentamente la resistencia de las personas, como las olas del mar rompen los obstáculos que les ponen.

 No puedo pensar bien. Ni siquiera sé si tiene sentido lo que estoy pensando. No sé si alguien me persigue o si todo es culpa mía. La verdad no tengo problema con que todo sea culpa mía pues no me sorprendería tampoco. No soy tan importante como para que alguien me siga y quiera destruirme. Soy tan insignificante que me daría risa que alguien se dedicara a destruirme a mi cuando hay mejores rivales.

 Me duelen los oídos también pero eso es porque me los tapo para dormir. No soporto el ruido de la gente en la mañana y no me gusta que me nieguen el derecho a dormir. Ya tengo suficiente con no poder dormir yo, no necesito que nadie empeore esa situación. Tal vez la falta de sueño tenga que ver con todo esto. Tal vez deba dormir más…

 Pero eso hice ayer. O traté de hacerlo, al menos. La verdad es que no cambió nada. Da igual si duermo o no, si me pongo sobre mi cabeza o me siento a no hacer nada. Parece que no hay cambio pero sin embargo las cosas pequeñas sí cambian y me saca de quicio. Me duele un poco y lo reconozco pero como no sentirse mal por algo que ha estado ahí por tanto tiempo y ahora ya no existe. Es una lástima completa.

 Antes tenía un lugar al cual acudir cuando me sentía mal, cuando quería que me subieran el animo. Después pasé a otro y ahora tampoco lo tengo. Creo que son lugares comunes que necesito, en los que me siento cómodo. Pero ya no. ¿Como sentirme cómodo de donde me echan? Eso no tendría ningún sentido. Creo que me he quedado sin ese rincón que solía necesitar o tal vez todavía necesite. Creo que ya no lo tengo y no sé si todavía me importa, es muy pronto para saberlo.

 Lo que más me preocupó, de entrada, fue recuperar todo lo que había construido. Al menos sé que eso, parcialmente, está a salvo. Y digo parcialmente porque no es por completo. Algunas palabras se han perdido, algunas conexiones que existían y ya no están. Ya no volverán a ser y se habrán perdido para siempre. No creo que importe pues esas cosas cambian todos los días y no se mantienen estables jamás, a lo largo de ninguna de nuestras vidas.

 Tal vez le estoy dando demasiada importancia pero no lo sé. Como acabo de decir, apenas lo estoy procesando. Apenas estoy asimilando que hay una parte de mi que está furiosa, hay una parte de mi que tiene rabia. Pero también quiere volver a comenzar, quiere volver al ruedo y reiniciarlo todo de nuevo.

 Pero de eso no estoy seguro. Yo no soy como aquellos que dicen que si fallas una vez lo intentes una y otra vez hasta que aciertes. A mi eso me parece una tontería. Si solo fallas una vez e intentas de nuevo y vuelves a fallar, es hora de salirse del camino y dejar que atropellen a alguien más. Me parece que es lo más sensato que se puede hacer. Hay que saber rendirse en algún momento, saber cuando parar.

 Y creo que esta es una de esas oportunidades que me gritan: “¡Para!”. Y creo también que es hora de escuchar. Al menos por ahora no tendré el mismo empuje, las mismas ganas de hacer las cosas, de ir por ellas y de mostrarme orgulloso ante todo. Ya lo he hecho y lo único que ha respondido el mundo es que no le interesa en lo más mínimo lo que yo haga o lo que no haga. Al mundo no le importo pues somos demasiados y no tendría el mínimo sentido.

 Eso no significa que no haya gente a la que le importe. Claro que la hay. Pero todos sabemos que eso casi nunca es suficiente, siempre queremos más y más. Incluso yo, que no me considero una persona con ambición, quisiera que algo más de gente me apreciara o viera cosas en mi que yo no haya visto, con en las películas. Pero esas películas son inventos, son bonitas ilusiones que no reflejan nada la vida real de las personas. Son artificios que sirven solo para distraernos de nuestras aburridas vidas reales.

 Creo que por eso me gusta el cine. Porque me gusta sentirme engañado y hay engaños que son muy efectivos y saben llegar directo al alma. Algunos están tan bien hecho que es un placer contemplarlo y disfrutarlo, solo o con compañía. Yo casi siempre lo he hecho solo pero en ocasiones también con otra gente y, en esos caso también, las expectativas pueden variar bastante. En fin, todo el mundo es distinto.

 Por eso a algunos les dará igual lo que me pasó hoy a mi. Es ridículo despertar y ver que una parte de tu mundo, una pequeña parte, ha cambiado y las consecuencias que eso tiene para todo tu pequeño planeta, para las tontería que crees y en las que no crees nada, lo que piensas y lo que no y todas las variables que existen. Es todo un chiste que muchas veces no tiene la mínima gracia. El punto es que no es lo mismo para todos, de eso estoy seguro.

 Algunos caminarán derecho y pensarán: “¿Bueno, y a mi que me importa?” y seguirán su paso firme hacia delante, como siempre. Para otros será el fin del mundo e incluso derramarán lágrimas y se echaran a morir durante un tiempo sobre sus camas o en el mismo suelo. Tendrán recuerdos claros con esas pequeñas cosas y los tendrán en la mente como una de esas películas, pero con un guión todavía mucho más dramático y mucho menos pulido e interesante.

 En mi cabeza no sé qué pasa. El dolor de garganta que tengo hace una semana tiene la primera fila pues parece que se le da la gana de irse y eso me da miedo de verdad. Me pone a pensar como un loco y no quiero ponerme a pensar porque puedo llegar a conclusiones alarmistas que ahora mismo no me sirven de nada.

 Y además está todo lo demás, todas las otras cosas en las que tengo que pensar por estos días, por estos tiempos, y la cabeza no me da para tanto. Las pequeñas cosas son una patada fuerte en mi zona más vulnerable pero son cosas que pasan y que el tiempo se lleva como cuando se barren el polvo de la casa. Todo es polvo en esta vida, incluidos nosotros. Así que, sea o no sea nada, debo seguir porque me toca.

Tests

   The first day, he went alone. He didn’t wanted to get anyone involved in his personal life and he wasn’t ready to share his fears with someone else. He was even unsure about the whole thing but finally decided to go because he had to now. At last, he was making some money and he was about to go and live by himself. He already had a new place, his first ever in which he would not be sharing space with his family or with other people. A tiny apartment just for him. He had made the calculations several times and he knew he was able to pull it off.

 When he arrived to the hospital, they made him wait in a small room where all chairs were empty. No one else came that early to get tested. It was better like that, because he had no intention of running into anyone he knew and, besides, it was the only time he could pay a visit to the doctor without leaving his job. There was no way he was going to loose money to do that. He found a way to do it anyway and, after some time waiting, a nurse came for him.

 She led him to an office were a doctor asked him several questions. They were all very personal questions but he understood why those questions needed to be asked. He wasn’t offended at all but he did feel a bit embarrassed because it was the first time he really discussed these things with someone. The silly conversations with his friends, didn’t really count because there was always a certain amount of lying involved in that.

 Next, he was left alone in the office for a couple of minutes, time he took to take a look at the paintings in the room. There weren’t many. Most of the frames concerned some diploma or a family picture. But there were two actual paintings: one was the image of a field, probably wheat. The image seemed to have no end. In one side, little in the big space, there seem to be a couple of peasants, working in the field. Probably cutting some of the wheat or maybe taking care of something else.

 The other painting was an abstract work. It had a few read lines and dot among a jungle of black geometrical figures. It was very tiring to watch because it was obvious the red in the picture was being overwhelmed by the black. He didn’t have to be a genius to know what the picture was about. He was about to get nearer to the painting when the doctor came back with all his equipment.

 One by one, the doctor filled three small flasks with his patient’s blood. The process didn’t really took that long although it did seem longer for the man being drained out of blood because he suddenly felt dizzy and very weak. The person on the phone had told him he had to come without having anything to eat or drink. And now the doctor said he should do the opposite.

 As he stepped out of the hospital, he had to walk very slowly. He didn’t feel good at all. Not only was his brain aching, his arm was in pain too. After all, the man had used a needle in it three times. He had no idea the amount of blood they needed for testing but he thought that, at least, he could assume the results were going to be accurate with the amount of blood they had to double check any findings.

 He grabbed a taxi, which he never did, and asked to be taken to his work. He had money to pay but that expense meant he couldn’t so other things that week. A taxi ride was too much for him to handle on his low income and now more than ever, with the new place coming and the bills for that place and everything related to it. He was very happy to move out of his parents’ home but he was also worried that he would fail as an adult. After all, it had taken him thirty years to leave the nest.

 Once he arrived at work, he was greeted by people who told him how bad he looked. He told them he had being at the hospital for a flu he was feeling coming, and that they had asked him to come without anything on his stomach. So he ran up to his desk, left his bag there and then ran to the kitchen where he poured himself some coffee and looked around for the messenger boy, who was normally around the office at that time.

 He finally found him flirting with a secretary. Interrupting the conversation, he asked the boy to please go for him to the nearest store and buy him some things to eat for breakfast with his coffee. He gave the boy a bill and told him exactly what to buy. He also told him that he could have the change, which made the boy stand up fast and run out of the office in a huff. He returned to his office, a cubicle in corner of that floor, and started working. Yet, he realized he couldn’t do any working.

 The boy returned soon and he was able to eat and feel a bit less weak but he didn’t do much that day at work. He felt very dizzy and even thought he was going to vomit at one point. He ran to the bathroom and, thankfully, no one saw him do that. He stayed in the bathroom for several minutes, drinking water and sprinkling his face too in order too cool down. It didn’t really work that much but he had no idea of what else to do.

 That night, at home, he fell asleep fast. He was very tired. He just left his clothes all over the place and didn’t bother to have any dinner. When he woke up, he realized he had bled out of his nose, his pillow stained with a big puddle of dried blood. He was surprised he hadn’t been awake by the bleeding; yet he had been so tired that even that accident wouldn’t be significant enough to wake him up.

 He threw away the pillow and washed the pillowcase. He threw that too after he realized the stain wouldn’t come off. He didn’t tell anything to his parents about it and they didn’t ask why he didn’t have a pillow in the following days. After all, he was about to move and maybe he was throwing the things he was going to replace once he was in his own environment.  It was only a couple of weeks later when it happened.

 His mother cried a lot, as if he was going away to the other side of the world. True, the apartment was not very close to his family’s place, but it was in the same city all the same. He asked them to visit once he was ready to receive visitors, in other words, once he would have furniture and glasses and plates and all that stuff that make some place a proper home. He moved out a Saturday and the following Sunday was a hard day to put everything in place and buy a lot of things, including a new pillow.

 Mom and dad had given him some money to start and he was grateful for that because there was no way, with his salary, that he was going to be able to buy everything he needed for the new place. With that small help, he was able to make that place something he could be proud of. However, the weekend ended very soon and he had to work as he finished putting everything where it belonged. But by the third week there, he decided he could have a small gathering of friends and then ask his parents to visit him.

 Those two couldn’t be done at the same time because of the size of the place, but he was thrilled to do it. He asked his friends to bring their own bottles of alcohol. There was no way he was paying for those. They had a very good time, joking around and even dancing in the small space. They had to end the party when a neighbor complained about the noise. Ironically, it was a neighbor that was always kind of drunk.

 It was the following day, a Saturday and more than a month after his blood had been taken out, that he received a letter in his house. It was the first letter that he received there and it was kind of awful it had to be one from the hospital. Once he saw it, he wanted to open it. But then he remembered his family was coming for lunch. And he didn’t want that on his mind while he ate with them. So he put it away for the day and enjoyed his family.

 He cooked that day. His mother tried to help every so often, but he wouldn’t let her. They had the best day ever, looking at old pictures, eating a lot and giving decoration ideas for the whole place. His parents wanted to be involved in some way and he wasn’t rejecting the idea at all. He needed them by his side.

 The following day, alone, he opened the letter. He had known what it said long before he ever got tested. But to know was exactly how he thought it would feel: like a hot knife piercing through the skin. His life had been on a path for a long time and now, his eyes had been opened. What to do next?

Como un vampiro

      Mi casa parece la casa de un vampiro. No porque esté ubicada en una colina lejana con rayos y centellas detrás o porque tenga muchos pasillos secretos y un sótano lleno de ataúdes. Lo digo por los espejos: no hay ni uno solo. Al comienzo, cuando volví, se me hacía raro ir a cepillarme los dientes al baño y no tener donde mirarme. Lo mismo con el espejo que solo había sobre el mueble de la sala, que siempre había hecho parecer que mi pequeño apartamento era mucho más grande de lo que era.

 También habían sido retirados los espejos más pequeños, casi todos en mi habitación y en el baño. Lo único que daba un reflejo era, a veces, los vidrios de las ventanas y los charcos de agua que se hacían en el baño cuando usaba la ducha. No podía culpar a mi familia por haber tomado semejantes decisiones. Al fin y al cabo, tenía dos marcas bastante notables en las muñecas que me recordaban porqué no podía mirarme al espejo nunca y también porqué todavía no estaba listo para volver a hacerlo.

 Hacía casi un año había vuelto a casa, después de vivir un año en una institución alejada de la sociedad. Estaba en el campo, donde había animales para acariciar y gente amable que hacía preguntas con mucho cuidado. Allí me curé de mis heridas y fui, poco a poco, recuperándome de todas ellas, las físicas y las mentales. Creo que el proceso fue muy rápido y todavía me da algo de miedo que todo haya sido tan apresurado. ¿Que tal si no funcionó?

 Supongo que tendré que esperar a ver para saberlo. Es un problema con el que tendré que vivir, lo mismo que con las cicatrices en mis muñecas y con el hecho de no tener espejos. A todo se acostumbra uno. Lo mismo sucedió con mi trabajo que, obviamente, no había esperado por mi mientras estaba encerrado. Tuve que empezar a buscar algo que hacer y lo encontré teniendo dos trabajos en casa. Tuvieron que ser dos para poder pagar las facturas y demás.

 El primer trabajo es muy simple. Soy vendedor por teléfono de productos lácteos para una gran empresa. Desde temprano en la mañana hasta la hora del almuerzo, me la pasa llamando a oficinas y a diferentes tipos de personas, preguntándoles por sus pedidos de yogures, quesos, leche y demás productos. Algunas veces son colegios y otras veces supermercados. Es muy aburrido pero pagan a tiempo.

 Sin embargo, pagan mal y por eso necesito el otro trabajo que hago en las tardes, hasta las ocho de la noche. Soy asistente técnico para una compañía que provee servicios de internet y de telefonía. La verdad es que mi horario no es estable y puede terminarse antes o muchos después, eso depende de cuando llegue alguien a cortar mi tiempo con los clientes. Es casi al azar.

 Los días son pesados pero, gracias a que sé negociar y utilizar mis incapacidades, no trabajo los fines de semana. Esos dos días los tengo solo para mí. Los sábados normalmente son los días más activos, en los que recibo la visita o visito yo mismo a mis padres. Siempre tienen mucho que decir y mucho que hacer. Sea como sea, siempre que me veo con ellos hay comida por montones, sea que la hacen o sea que pedimos a domicilio. Siempre me dicen que me veo flaco y triste pero creo que eso es algo que ya no se puede arreglar y trato de bromear al respecto.

 A veces las bromas salen muy mal y hago llorar a mamá o enojar a papá. Todavía es difícil hablar del tema, de mi tiempo lejos de todos y de porqué no hay espejos en la casa. Es algo delicado y, la verdad, tratamos de que no sea necesario hablar del tema. Porque no lo es. Nadie necesita escuchar esa historia por enésima vez, nadie necesita revivirlo todo de nuevo, ni ellos ni yo, así que simplemente no lo discutimos.

 Los sábados también suelen ser para salir a dar una vuelta. Normalmente voy con ellos, casi nunca solo. Me acompañan a comprar ropa, a comer algo, a ver gente por aquí y por allá. A pesar de que gano mi dinero, todavía necesito el apoyo económico de mis padres. Sin él no tendría que vestir ni tampoco electricidad para cocinar o para tener la luz prendida toda la noche como me pasa seguido.

 Tengo que confesar que no son pocas las veces que me siento mal por ello. No creo que mis padres tengan la responsabilidad de cuidarme a esta edad todavía pero lo hacen sin decir nada más. Al comienzo, cuando apenas había vuelto del “lugar”, me tuve que quedar con ellos y fue tras mucho insistir que me dejaron volver al apartamento que alguna vez había comprado con dinero ganado en mi trabajo anterior.

 Cuando los convencí que podía vivir solo, decidieron que lo mejor era traerme bolsas llenas de cosas. Me compraban ropa y la traían directo de la tienda o venían con bolsas y bolsas del supermercado. Pasaron un par de meses, en los que venían varios días en la semana, antes que escucharan y entendieran que yo no necesitaba actos de caridad de nadie. No quería que me regalaran las cosas como si no tuviese pies o manos.

 Lo mejor que pudieron hacer fue llevarme a los lugares y limitar sus compras. Tampoco quería que se gastaran el poco dinero que tenían en mi. Pero querían ayudar con tanto ahínco que los dejé que me hicieran un pequeño mercado cada mes y que me compraran una prenda de vestir cuando yo se le los pidiera. Era lo máximo que podía normalizarse nuestra relación después de lo ocurrido.

 Fue en uno de esas salidas a comprar ropa en las que me volví a mirar en un espejo. Normalmente me compraba todo acorde a las tallas y si había que hacer arreglos pues mamá haría su mejor esfuerzo. Pero para comprar pantalones era mejor probármelos, porque cada marca era distinta, todas las tallas, así fuesen del mismo número, no eran iguales en un almacén que en otro. Entonces me decidí por dos modelos en una gran tienda e hice la fila para entrar a los probadores. Yo empecé a sudar allí, pues me molestaban tales aglomeraciones.

 Desafortunadamente para mí, la fila se movió con rapidez. Me tocó en el último probador en un pasillo estrecho y apenas entré, caí en cuenta del espejo. Al comienzo, lo ignoré completamente. Hice el ejercicio de darle la espalda y quitarme los pantalones que tenía puestos así. Me temblaba todo y me demoré más de lo normal quitándome la ropa. Casi tropiezo al quitarme los pantalones de los tobillos y fue entonces, casi en el suelo, que mis ojos se tropezaron con mi reflejo.

 Todo volvió a ser como ese día, hacía casi dos años. Lo recordé todo de golpe, cada detalle de esa escena en la que había cogido a puños el espejo del baño hasta destrozarlo. Mis puños sangraban pero no había terminado. Tomé uno de los trazos más grandes y, sin dudas, me corté las muñecas como pude. Por suerte, era sábado y no demoraron en encontrarme unos amigos que venían a tomar algo todos los fines de semana.

 Me puse de pie en el vestidor a pesar de estar mareado. Creí que iba a vomitar pero me contuve. Miré los pantalones que esperaban a ser probados pero me di cuenta entonces que me sentía muy débil. Todo me daba vueltas y mis brazos se sentían como hechos de papel. No era momento de probarme ropa ni nada de esas tonterías. Como pude me puse mis pantalones de nuevo y salí corriendo de allí. Les dije a mis padres que compraran los de mi talla.

 Cuando volví a casa, fui directamente a la cama. Me quité la ropa y me acosté boca abajo. Tenía ganas de llorar pero no lo hice, no había lágrimas en mis ojos. Sin embargo no podía dejar de pensar en como se sentía el vidrio sobre mi piel y mis manos destrozadas por el vidrio del baño. Instintivamente, me miré las muñecas y los nudillos. Cualquiera vería con facilidad lo que había dejado ese episodio de mi vida en mi cuerpo.

 Como era común, no pude dormir en toda la noche. Me la pasé pensando, en la oscuridad, en los sentimientos que me habían hecho destrozar ese espejo. Recuerdo bien que lo destrocé simplemente porque me vi en el él y no soportaba verme. Aún hoy, eso no ha cambiado. Agradezco a mi familia que haya convertido mi casa en la de un vampiro.